Is it wrong to mess with another man's wife?

Uh actually women value honesty a lot. Not women like Jackie perhaps lol, but most honorable women value honesty. If some guy lied to me about that, I would never forgive him. Okay, never is a strong word, but yea I would be super super pissed.

What do you mean she has nothing on him? She can ruin his future relationships lol. She can get her husband after him by saying that Radken took advantage of her during a weak time (what she wants him to think right now) and all that other happy jazz. AND it is still possible that they are a wife-husband con team.

United States is a very big country, Radken can just move far away and disappear without a trace if he doesn't have any child with her.

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Originally Posted by 999roses

Uh actually women value honesty a lot. Not women like Jackie perhaps lol, but most honorable women value honesty. If some guy lied to me about that, I would never forgive him. Okay, never is a strong word, but yea I would be super super pissed.

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That's a big topic itself. I'll just say here that a man who spills everything to you about his past romances is not a honest man. He's an untrustworthy man. If he is telling you all of that, he's violating the trust & the privacy of women in his past and if he can do that to them, he will do that to you.

Likewise, if a chick starts to tell me the dirt about her past men, I'll bang her one last time and then send her packing.

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What do you mean she has nothing on him? She can ruin his future relationships lol. She can get her husband after him by saying that Radken took advantage of her during a weak time (what she wants him to think right now) and all that other happy jazz. AND it is still possible that they are a wife-husband con team.

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I'm saying that she has nothing on him to ruin his future relationships. I did warn him that she might use such BS to send the husband or other Captains Save-A-Ho after him.

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Originally Posted by 999roses

Uh actually women value honesty a lot. Not women like Jackie perhaps lol, but most honorable women value honesty. If some guy lied to me about that, I would never forgive him. Okay, never is a strong word, but yea I would be super super pissed.

What do you mean she has nothing on him? She can ruin his future relationships lol. She can get her husband after him by saying that Radken took advantage of her during a weak time (what she wants him to think right now) and all that other happy jazz. AND it is still possible that they are a wife-husband con team.

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If you're a woman who wants a serious relationship, then honesty is one of the most important things. Obviously, if you're just casually dating, then there may not be that great a need to know. But if you actually want a relationship to go somewhere and be serious - honesty is very important.

Did I say he had to say "I slept with Jackie __ (insert last name) and this is her picture and this is where she lives and here's all this dirt on her?" He can say that he doesn't want to compromise her identity but he slept with a MARRIED woman before. Maybe not on the first date, but if things get serious, he should spill.

Why the hell should he disclose that?

Whom someone's slept with, how many someone's slept with - those are questions that have no good answer and they can only do harm. What good is it to know them? How does it improve his relationship?

Being honest in a relationship is crucial but it's about being honest in how you deal with each other in the current relationship, not digging up dirt in each other's past. You should care about how you're being treated now, not what your partner did in the past.

You try digging these things up, rosy, and you're guaranteed to get two things: a lie and the start of the end of your relationship.

As for women valuing honesty, that's a joke and a half.

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Originally Posted by Candide

Why the hell should he disclose that?

Whom someone's slept with, how many someone's slept with - those are questions that have no good answer and they can only do harm. What good is it to know them? How does it improve his relationship?

Being honest in a relationship is crucial but it's about being honest in how you deal with each other in the current relationship, not digging up dirt in each other's past. You should care about how you're being treated now, not what your partner did in the past.

You try digging these things up, rosy, and you're guaranteed to get two things: a lie and the start of the end of your relationship.

As for women valuing honesty, that's a joke and a half.

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I know you try and come off as some guy who really knows women, but have you ever been in a serious, long-term relationship? By long-term I mean longer than two years?

It's not about "digging up the past" or "feeding curiosity," it's about being honest and open about each other's lives. What you did in the past may greatly affect how you treat your current relationship, and it's not bad at all to know about those things, provided that both partners are willing to share and wanting to know.

And no, not all guys will have to lie or end a relationships just so he doesn't have to talk about his past relations.

There are degrees of honesty and openness; 'totally honest' and 'totally open' is, to be totally honest with you, a concept made for romance novels. There's things that simply aren't relevant, there's things that simply aren't important, and then there's things which simply aren't helpful. As in most cases, there is such a thing as 'need to know' basis. I don't think this (by which I mean Jackie's situation) falls under that.

In general though, I see no issue with disclosing previous romances to a limited extent to a girl with whom you are in a serious long-term relationship.

Well whatever, whether he wants to disclose or not is his problem. The fact is that I want to know. And I bet a lot of women would want to know. If he doesn't want to disclose, well that'll show me he has something to hide. I'm not unreasonable, I wouldn't ask him to name all his ex's since junior high, etc. But if he's been in a serious relationship, well I would like to know about it, especially if I'm serious with him.

If I ask, and he tells me lies, then he's a liar.

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Originally Posted by Candide

If he's already cut her out then, she'll have nothing on him. She can't exactly blackmail him for committing adultery!



Easy. No sane man should ever disclose his past romances. It's stupid and it's a violation of the past women's privacy. If Jackie decided to bring it up and shame him, he could just say that she always had a thing for him and is jealous of his happiness and is making sh!t up. Everyone knows that you can't trust a jealous woman. If new girl gives him sh!t about it, dump the b!tch! Life's simple!

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Really?? I thought that it is important for you to review your past sex life and other stuff with for example, someone that you are seriously dating or will marry? That's what they told me when I was in sex ed. They said it is important to know your husband/wife's sexual history due to all of the STDs and other factors.

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Originally Posted by Ren Wo Xing

There are degrees of honesty and openness; 'totally honest' and 'totally open' is, to be totally honest with you, a concept made for romance novels. There's things that simply aren't relevant, there's things that simply aren't important, and then there's things which simply aren't helpful. As in most cases, there is such a thing as 'need to know' basis. I don't think this (by which I mean Jackie's situation) falls under that.

In general though, I see no issue with disclosing previous romances to a limited extent to a girl with whom you are in a serious long-term relationship.

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I really agree with you and I don't see a big problem in disclosing previous romances if necessary. However, there are limits and if it is something important to know, then I think you need to tell your serious boyfriend/girlfriend. But if it is something like this issue, I don't know if it is good or necessary to know about. It also isn't good to lie through your teeth either.. That would just mess things up.

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Originally Posted by Jaded WenEr

I know you try and come off as some guy who really knows women, but have you ever been in a serious, long-term relationship? By long-term I mean longer than two years?

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No I haven't. No woman has been able to trap me for that long. :D I'd be married after being in a 2 years+ LTR. What, you mean a guy stuck in a LTR that is bad for him and he doesn't know how to get out of knows it better?

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And no, not all guys will have to lie or end a relationships just so he doesn't have to talk about his past relations.

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It's about the principle, woman. I won't lie but I won't tell either. I'm not gonna bend my promise of keeping whatever happened between me and past women private just to satisfy some curious chick I'm in a relationship with. She would be similarly assured that I'd never tell anything about her to other people either.

Master Ren nailed it. It's romance novel BS that appeals to women on the surface.

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Originally Posted by Trinie

Really?? I thought that it is important for you to review your past sex life and other stuff with for example, someone that you are seriously dating or will marry? That's what they told me when I was in sex ed. They said it is important to know your husband/wife's sexual history due to all of the STDs and other factors.

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If you're worried about STDs, go to a clinic and get a test done. Fetishes, fantasies & other sh!t can be figured out by having sex with each other prior to marriage.

Well the discussion has veered off course, but I guess we have beaten the original topic like a dead horse.

I don't understand people who have to dig up everything about a person's past. It just creates bad feelings. If you are concerned about STDs, go together to a clinic and get tested. If you think you might be dating a neo-Nazi, hire a PI.

If you really need to know, ask the questions in the beginning of dating. Good luck with whoever sticks around and puts up with the questions. Do not get into a relationship and then ask. Because that's just asking for a breakup. And if he/she dumps you for it, you deserve it twice over.

Main issue here is a difference of definitions. When Jaded is talking about a serious relationship, she's referring to someone she is seriously considering as a future spouse. When Candide is, he is referring to a girl he is currently boffing. Hence, a disconnect.

If a guy slept with a married woman, he better have some other redeeming characteristics for me to let that past. There is no such thing as "starting over on a clean slate". There is no such thing as a perfectly clean second chance. That is also very surface and in novels. If someone has shown previous condemning behaviour like adultery, then why should I believe that they wouldn't do it again?

If I have similar black spots in my record, I'll be honest about it. If it really wouldn't make a difference, then it wouldn't be even of question now would it. But apparently it's not so black and white.

Every person has different values, and if he finds a future girl who thinks like some of the males on spcnet, then for sure, go for it and hide your past. He should probably be able to tell if she is or not. But most likely, he'll try to talk himself into believing that she wouldn't care, even if she suspects that he did.

Just because of cases like these, I would make it very clear if i get serious with a guy that I want to know if there is something in the past he wants to tell me. It's not like I'm asking him to give me an entire account of his previous relationships. But I for sure wouldn't want to be made a fool in the future if someone else tells me that my husband committed adultery in the past. All walls talk and no secret can be held forever. And if he can't handle that and wants to break up over it, I think it's WAY better to discover this now than late, after you get married and invest way more into it.

Ha, but if only most women have this choice....of deciding whether to break up or not over something their partner did in the past. Most of the time, they get duped and lied to, and then discover in the future at very untimely and unfortunate circumstances.

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Originally Posted by jiang bao

Well the discussion has veered off course, but I guess we have beaten the original topic like a dead horse.

I don't understand people who have to dig up everything about a person's past. It just creates bad feelings. If you are concerned about STDs, go together to a clinic and get tested. If you think you might be dating a neo-Nazi, hire a PI.

If you really need to know, ask the questions in the beginning of dating. Good luck with whoever sticks around and puts up with the questions. Do not get into a relationship and then ask. Because that's just asking for a breakup. And if he/she dumps you for it, you deserve it twice over.

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Oh yea, that is true. You can just go to a clinic and get tested. They didn't tell us that in sex ed. I think it is ok to mention some things briefly if necessary. However, I think mentioning previous relationships too much would really affect your current one... Also, I don't think you need to know everything about someone's past. That is not needed at all..

I define someone that you are "serious" with as a potential future spouse too.

I always appreciated it when my partner revealed his/her past on his/her own initiative. Rather than pressuring them into discussing it with me, I want them to feel comfortable talking about it. It usually happens naturally after we become very comfortable with each other, and that can take time. There have been times when they did want to keep certain details to themselves, and I'm ok with that - agree with Candide about respecting their privacy and would like to give them the space they need in a relationship.

On a related note, for this reason I personally do not like dating a stranger. I prefer to date friends with whom I've come to know and trust; this makes things both safer and smoother. People tend to disclose their secrets to whoever they feel comfortable with, and most of the time a good friend feels less intimidating than a potential mate, so as a friend you can get the inside scoops to their past even before you start dating which can help you decide if you want to pursue them. Besides, if you can't be good friends then it'll be hard to be good (serious) lovers; "being friends first" gets you through this important hurdle right off the bat.

The thing is, before you marry a person, hopefully you would have spent many initimate moments together (I don't mean "intimate" as in sex), and hopefully you have the ability to infer things about the person's character during those times together from his behavior. In other words, you should be able to tell whether the person is a fundamentally honest person. Really, it is quite easy to know. Just pay attention to what he does, not what he says. (I think falling for words is some women's weak spot)

Yes, I realize some people are experts at completely hiding certain parts of their personalities, but these people are expert liars and would be able to fool you even if you ask, so the point of asking is moot.

If you have to come out and ask about very personal details about your mate's past, and then proceed to issue demands then ultimates when he/she refuses to disclose the past, then you are just being unreasonable and deserve to be punted to the sidewalk.

the truth never sets anyone free. i like living in a make believe world. a simple statement of, "honey - the past is the past. my d!ck is yours now" will suffice.

most men are scums and if they say they aren't, they are lying to you. given that's the reality, i prefer the guy to keep the secret with him for the rest of my life. all i ask of him is - "play it smart and make sure i never find out cuz once i find out ... "

This is very interesting. So these males are saying that if they out from someone else that their wife slept with a married man in the past, they're all cool with it? (Well of course they're gonna say that now just to win the argument) but yea, I'm sure in real life, they're gonna be REAL okay with that "because it's all in the past" right? Right.....I personally know many guys who would totally not be okay with that at all. And really, that doesn't make them a bad person at all. They're just honest about how they feel on morals, etc.

Like I said, it really depends on the person. If the guy/girl is someone who does this type of thing (sleep around, date casually), then maybe they don't request it of their partner because they can't even say that for themselves, why request it of others? But if I was able to keep myself away from married individuals, then I would be curious as to why he couldn't do the same. And I believe it does have great implications for our future marriage because that just reveals to me his characteristics.

But I agree with PJ though....if the person has problems telling you on their own, there is already something wrong with your relationship. When I say I would like to know, I'm not gonna like act all suspicious and jealous and try to sneak behind their back to investigate them etc. But if I ask if there is something from the past that they want to tell me and they miss that opportunity, things aren't gonna look pretty in the future if I find out.

And P.S. it's not THAT hard to find to find a guy or girl who has a relatively clean past with no messy relationships involving adultery, spousal abuse, breaking the law, etc. Not everyone has a shady past. I don't think it'll be THAT hard to find a future spouse with these characteristics. Personally, I just wouldn't wanna date anyone who used to be involved in an adulterous relationship period. If I'm in love blah blah, okay maybe, because we never know in life, but it certainly isn't ideal and there are plenty of other people out there without that type of background.