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Mobile Suit Gundam - The Second Century (Part 1: Prelude 0099) - Page 16
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  1. #301
    Moderator Ken Cheng's Avatar
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    The sequence from Episode 2 in which Jolie and Athena recover the RX-780 Gundam 100 prototype from the ISRLA has been edited and improved. I never did quite like how I wrote this sequence; now I do.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ken Cheng View Post
    The sequence from Episode 2 in which Jolie and Athena recover the RX-780 Gundam 100 prototype from the ISRLA has been edited and improved. I never did quite like how I wrote this sequence; now I do.
    Not sure what you changed from the original one but the new version is pretty cool lol!

    Im surprised Jolie can just get into that robot and control it like that. Shes just a street kid rite? She can actually control that military machine!

  3. #303
    Moderator Ken Cheng's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by roger View Post
    Not sure what you changed from the original one but the new version is pretty cool lol!

    Im surprised Jolie can just get into that robot and control it like that. Shes just a street kid rite? She can actually control that military machine!
    It's a GUNDAM tradition. It happens in every GUNDAM series.

    On a serious note, that's one of the reasons I fleshed out that scene. I've always been painfully aware that it stretched credibility for a civilian teenager to be able to just jump into a military war machine and pilot it as easily as riding a bicycle. Jolie is a powerful Newtype, which gives her an edge in these things (as it did for the earlier Newtype pilots in the GUNDAM saga), and she's long had an interest in this kind of hardware, but to make it more believable (and hopefully, more entertaining), I added the new dialogue showing how Athena, the trained soldier and pilot, guided Jolie through this first battle.

    Thanks for reading.

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  5. #305
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    Chapter 2 Feedback and Review

    Its boom years long behind it, Industria has become a sort of collecting point for material and human refuse. The material refuse includes broken, obsolete MS, spaceships, space colony machinery, etc. The human refuse includes many of the thugs, mercenaries, war criminals, and orphaned children that haven spawned by twenty years of devastating war.
    Can you explain the use of the word “Haven” in “that haven spawned…”?

    Newtypes – Those are “chosen people for humanity’s future” right? Maybe it’s because I read chapter one last month and forgot the role of Newtypes are. Can you elaborate on what they are?

    Jolie seems very nimble and impish. The characters in this story have strange names where last names and first names seem to be switched around? The names are quite Western, so I thought it sounded weird. And whenever I see the word Jolie reminds me of Angelina Jolie.

    Points at this sentence and laughs:
    Jolie pulls out the Gundam 100’s beam saber and defly decapitates both enemy mecha with a singular, slashing motion that suggests some ancient swordfighting technique.
    “That suggests some ancient sword-fighting technique” maneuvered by a fairly large robotic fighting machine? Kind of funny…

    So far it has been an interesting and intriguing read. Though all these “to be continued” do not happen in a novel/book, only in tv shows.Sometimes this reads like a episode summary or script. But anywho, I do like Red and Jolie moments so far.
    Last edited by Suet Seung; 07-17-08 at 05:38 PM.
    I just love how you Captivate My Mind

    Self reminder - Update blog more often and continue editing/writing for TOV fanfic.

  6. #306
    Moderator Ken Cheng's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suet Seung View Post
    Chapter 2 Feedback and Review
    Thank you.



    Can you explain the use of the word “Haven” in “that haven spawned…”?
    Frankly, I don't know what that word is doing there. It probably entered my stream of consciousness for some forgotten reason as I typed out that line. It definitely doesn't fit (at least not in any way I recognize now).

    Newtypes – Those are “chosen people for humanity’s future” right? Maybe it’s because I read chapter one last month and forgot the role of Newtypes are. Can you elaborate on what they are?
    You've got it more or less right, and here's some further detail: as human beings have migrated into outer space, they have begun to evolve for life away from Earth. Free of Earth's gravity, their souls are less constrained by the material limitations of their flesh. The younger generations born in space have shown increasing evidence of this, and they have been collectively dubbed "Newtypes."

    Newtypes are identifiable by their telepathic and telekinetic abilities, which enable them to sense and read the thoughts of others and, in some special cases, project their psychic energy as a powerful force. Those who are Newtypes have a penchant for understanding such things as advanced technology, and their precognition makes them dangerous as fighters.

    For more detailed information on Newtypes, check out the Wikipedia entry.


    Jolie seems very nimble and impish.
    That's Jolie. She's hella cute, but she's also hella dangerous.

    The characters in this story have strange names where last names and first names seem to be switched around? The names are quite Western, so I thought it sounded weird.
    That's very much in line with GUNDAM tradition. When the creator of GUNDAM, Yoshiyuki Tomino, wrote the original series, he gave his characters names that represented what, to Japanese ears, sounded like exotic Western names. Hence, many of the GUNDAM characters sported names like "Amuro Ray," "Char Aznable," "Sayla Mass," "Lalah Sun," and "Bright Noah." Alongside such names, however, were a few characters (rare) that had more "normal" sounding names such as "Christina McKenzie," "Emma Sheen," and "Franklin Vidan." But the "weird" names typically outnumber the "normal"-sounding names by a ratio of 10:1.

    So I'm basically following GUNDAM tradition there, since I'm writing in that universe. I might actually have a few more "normally" named characters than Mr. Tomino had.

    I'm especially proud, however, of how I renamed his "Minerva Zabi" as "Athena Ibaz."

    And whenever I see the word Jolie reminds me of Angelina Jolie.
    There's a story behind that.

    I named the character of "Jolie Minh" in 1991, *years* before anybody had heard of Angelina Jolie. I have a cousin in Seattle named Jolee Ng. Her name was always unusual, and when I asked her how my aunt and uncle named her that, she told me that it was originally a French name that was spelled "Jolie." "Jolee" is the English variation spelling.

    When I created the Jolie character, I based her on Joey Meng. I didn't want to name the character "Joey Meng," however. For one thing, I don't like the name "Joey" for a girl; it sounds too masculine. So I decided to borrow my cousin Jolee's name, revert it to its French spelling, and use "Jolie" in lieu of "Joey" (which was cool because it was such a rare and unique name...especially in those days before Angelina Jolie was anybody famous). I also decided to give Jolie a more interesting ethnic background by making her Vietnamese (or more accurately, Vietnamese-Chinese, as her ancestors would have been Chinese immigrants to Vietnam during the 20th Century). Hence, "Meng" became "Minh" (which also took some inspiration for another similar-looking anime character named Lin Minmay from MACROSS/ROBOTECH), and "Jolie Minh" was thus named.

    “That suggests some ancient sword-fighting technique” maneuvered by a fairly large robotic fighting machine? Kind of funny…
    All part of GUNDAM tradition...

    The fanfic contains many hidden nods to wuxia. See if you can spot them.

    So far it has been an interesting and intriguing read. Though all these “to be continued” do not happen in a novel/book, only in tv shows.Sometimes this reads like a episode summary or script. But anywho, I do like Red and Jolie moments so far.
    The project was originally conceived as a screenplay, and even in the novel re-edit, the pacing reflects that "40-minute episode" feel.

    Thanks for reading so far.

    P.S. I'm most proud of Episodes 7-10 (especially 7). I feel I did my best work in those chapters.

  7. #307
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    Well, Ken, here I am, as promised. No, no, don't get too excited yet, as I have only read a few paragraphs of your chapter 7. But I thought I would leave a comment to let you know I have started reading. I must say, your chapters are VERY long! What have I gotten myself into?! But a promise is a promise, and I am a person of my word, so I will leave comments as I go through your chapters 7 and 8, no matter how long they are.

    Well, I do have some comments regarding your most recent response to Suet Sueng. There are ancient sword fighting techniques executed by the robot in this story?! I like sword fighting! Maybe I will pay more attention to this story after all. Can you point me to the chapters with the "ancient sword fighting?"

    Also, Jolie Minh is Vietnamese-Chinese? Wow, so am I. That's kind of a cool coincidence (but I am sure you have tons of Vietnamese-Chinese readers). At first, I like this character because of the nice drawings I have seen of Jolie. Plus, she's the "Joey Meng" of the story, and I am a Joey fan. But now, I find out that she's also Vietnamese-Chinese, and that makes her that much more cooler.

  8. #308
    Moderator Ken Cheng's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melanie View Post
    Well, Ken, here I am, as promised. No, no, don't get too excited yet, as I have only read a few paragraphs of your chapter 7. But I thought I would leave a comment to let you know I have started reading. I must say, your chapters are VERY long! What have I gotten myself into?! But a promise is a promise, and I am a person of my word, so I will leave comments as I go through your chapters 7 and 8, no matter how long they are.
    Hi, Mel. Thanks for reading and responding.

    Chapters 7 and 8 are quite long (the two longest chapters I've written so far). At FanFiction.net, each of those chapters came in at over 20,000 words. My average chapters are 10,000 or so words, and some recent ones have come in a little short at around 5,000 words.

    But 7 and 8, I thought, were really inspired chapters. The best of all the work I've done so far.

    Well, I do have some comments regarding your most recent response to Suet Sueng. There are ancient sword fighting techniques executed by the robot in this story?! I like sword fighting! Maybe I will pay more attention to this story after all. Can you point me to the chapters with the "ancient sword fighting?"
    Heh. I'd have to look them up myself first.

    The mobile suits of GUNDAM use ranged weapons like missiles and beam guns, but they also use weapons like beam sabers (think of a giant STAR WARS lightsaber for use by a giant robot) and beam tomahawks. The reason is that in the GUNDAM world, a scientist named Minovsky invented a particle that rendered radar and other long-range detection difficult, so humanity has fallen back on close-in combat. The result is that you have giant robots who not only shoot at each other with beam guns and missiles, but also get close in for wuxia-style melee weapons combat with giant beam swords and beam spears, etc.

    Jolie is a martial arts natural...sort of like a teenaged girl version of Kiu Fung (she's just instinctively good at fighting). So if her mobile suit has a beam saber, she'll naturally wield it with the kind of skill you see wuxia swordmasters use.

    Also, Jolie Minh is Vietnamese-Chinese? Wow, so am I. That's kind of a cool coincidence (but I am sure you have tons of Vietnamese-Chinese readers). At first, I like this character because of the nice drawings I have seen of Jolie. Plus, she's the "Joey Meng" of the story, and I am a Joey fan. But now, I find out that she's also Vietnamese-Chinese, and that makes her that much more cooler.
    Heh. Yeah, I wanted to give Jolie an atypical and interesting ethnic background, and because I had (and still have) many Vietnamese-Chinese friends, I decided to make Jolie Vietnamese-Chinese. I have a vague background story of her ancestry: way back in the 20th Century (i.e. about 200 years before my story), her ancestors immigrated from Hong Kong or maybe Shanghai to Vietnam for business. They were there during the Vietnam War, and her ancestors were either Vietminh or Vietcong (not sure which side). Eventually, some 200 years later, some of Minhs immigrated to the space colonies...especially the French-speaking colony of Quebec at Side 5 (where Jolie was born and lived until she was ten).

    That explains her French first name (other than being inspired by Joey Meng, of course). At one point, France controlled Vietnam, and Jolie's name is a reminder of that historical legacy.

  9. #309
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    Hot from Comic-Con International! New art for MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM: THE SECOND CENTURY!



    Captain Athena Ibaz and 2Lt. Jolie Minh, U.C. 0098 (by David K. Wong)

  10. #310
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    Images from both parts of MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM: THE SECOND CENTURY are now collected in the story's own album.

  11. #311
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    I'm in the middle of a minor dispute with LuNaR right now, and I want y'all to weigh in (no pun intended): how great is the resemblance between my character, Jolie Minh, and Joey Meng, the Hong Kong actress who inspired her character design?

    And do Jolie's thighs look excessively/unattractively fat?


  12. #312
    Senior Member Ghaleon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Batman View Post
    I'm in the middle of a minor dispute with LuNaR right now, and I want y'all to weigh in (no pun intended): how great is the resemblance between my character, Jolie Minh, and Joey Meng, the Hong Kong actress who inspired her character design?

    And do Jolie's thighs look excessively/unattractively fat?

    Well Joey Meng is known for her thin legs and thighs (she showed her 'model legs' in My Date with the Vampire series). So your character Jolie looks more excessive/unattractive in that area. Why don't you make her with thin legs?

    Great job in the fanfic btw (read up to ch. 2). Keep it up. It's very professional, well thought-out and the sci-fi setting is cool.
    Last edited by Ghaleon; 01-20-09 at 08:16 PM.

  13. #313
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ganryu View Post
    Well Joey Meng is known for her thin legs and thighs (she showed her 'model legs' in My Date with the Vampire series). So your character Jolie looks more excessive/unattractive in that area. Why don't you make her with thin legs?
    It's all a matter of the artist's style/preferences. My friend Andrew Nettleton likes to draw women with a little meat on them.

    A different artist will give a different look. For example, here is my other friend Donald Yee's interpretation (it's a bit risque', so view with discretion):



    And yet another interpretation of the same character (Jolie) by yet another artist, Lionel Lum:



    Which one is the most accurate depiction of Jolie? Well, they ALL are.


    Great job in the fanfic btw (read up to ch. 2). Keep it up. It's very professional, well thought-out and the sci-fi setting is cool.
    Thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I very much appreciate the feedback.

    The later chapters are better than the early ones, in my opinion. I was still sort of finding my style in the early chapters; the writing was smoother farther down the road.

  14. #314
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    A young Athena Ibaz (aged 15), during her early days training at the Earth Federation Forces Officers' Academy

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    Hello Ken,

    Yikes! Has it been almost a year since I last read your fan-fic? I do apologize for leaving you hanging. I do have more time to spend on leisure reading now. I’ll try to remember to read your fan-fic more often. You wait for JY's Condor Trilogy to be completely translated before reading them, so I'm almost tempted to do the same with your three parter fan-fic. And yet, I did say that I will read your fan-fiction and I will carry out my word.

    Episode/Chapter 3 feedback review


    Here are some comments and suggestions. I do understand we have our own ways of writing and depicting things. I don’t intend to rewrite the certain scene or dialogue; the suggestions are only there to give you an alternative perspective. You can leave them be or go back and add something else to intensify it as you wish.

    About the first paragraph.

    Athena and Jolie arrive[is it arrive or arrives?] at Green Noah Colony in Side 7. It’s [You meant its, *not* it's] been years since Jolie has been anywhere other than the dead-end streets of Industria Colony. She is dazzled by the lights and activity of Green Noah Colony, so much brighter and more vibrant than Industria. The businesses look new and prosperous, servicing the millions of civilian and military occupants in the colony. There are senior citizens, kids, young adults, etc. It’s a shining, bustling modern metropolis, unlike the forgotten slum that Jolie had spent the past few years in.
    These last two sentences don't do well with me. Could you rephrase it?

    I see some parts of the episode still reads more like a screenwriter/director’s version of the script in the way it describes what happens in the scene. Forgive me for being honest, but when you write it like that, the prose feels stiff and less natural. You might want to spend more time editing. I think these were some of the minor issues I had problems when I read the first two chapters.

    In the part where Jolie tells Athena about her origins and how she ended up in Industria colony---it seems a bit too easy. She’s supposed to be a tough street girl, but she just looks “downcast” with “tears moist on her eyes”? It seems contradicting to the type of girl you’ve depicted her to be. I thought she’d at least look away and initially lie about her past. Telling a version most people expects to hear. Then Athena would notice she wasn’t telling the whole truth and ask Jolie to look her in the eyes and that's when Jolie meets Athena’s piercing gaze and she reluctantly reveals the truth of her tragic origins. She has been on her own for five years and been used to the solitude. It makes me wonder why she'd open up to Athena. Even if they've been through a little together, they're still practically new acquaintances. To me, Jolie would not reveal her true self to anyone easily, and actually talking about her painful past to someone she has come to know recently doesn't seem like her. It had to be something Jolie saw in Athena's eyes that would convince her to talk about her origins. I would think Jolie had kept most of her past history to herself. And sharing her past with Athena would be the first time she ever shared it with anyone at all. So if she does decide to share it, it would be with a little hesitation, but with some newfound trust in Athena. Well, that's just how I see it, so far. If I'm totally off base with your characters, then....


    “Dom Minh” Is that a typo or Dominic suddenly turns into Dom?

    “She’s got a hero’s heart.” --- Could you explain the grammar of this sentence?


    Lucie never gets to complete her remark. At that moment, twelve-year old Jean Minh and ten-year old Jolie Minh run[s] down the stairs, heavily burdened with textbooks and backpacks.
    [ I think it sounds better with 'runs' than run, what do you think?]

    Jolie,” Mrs. Minh calls out, “Come home after school right away this afternoon. We’re having a birthday party for you!”<--Awkward

    Alexander has earned himself a reputation as one of the deadliest and most ruthless military commanders one either the Earth or Zeon side.
    ---awkward wording

    Suggestion: Alexander has earned himself a reputation as one of the most ruthless and deadliest military commanders of either the Earth or Zeon side.

    Tears flood the man’s eyes, and a vicious, animalistic growl bursts forth from him as he turns his gaze back on Alexander Miguel’s black mobile suit, “You Zeon pig! You murdered my son!”
    Comments: In other words, Dominic just said, "You pig! You killed my son!" Now, why does he sound like some feminist or wife of some lazyass husband?

    I'd rather have Dominic growl this line: “You...wretched barbarian! How dare you murder my son!” And something else to embellish a father's last heroic move before he dies trying to avenge his son.

    Alexander Miguel is an interesting villain. He doesn’t seem old in the pictorial representation of him. How much older is he to Jolie? He does deserve the cruel reputation of being “one of the most ruthless and deadliest commanders of Zeon.” He reminds me of how TVB would often portray some ruthless Mongolian warrior pillaging and killing innocent Song villagers.

    Do consider using ‘and’ when needed. There were some areas where ‘and’ should replace the comma or be used with the comma.

    I am enjoying the flashback sequence and learning more about Jolie Minh’s tragic losses. What happens to Amuro? I must've missed something.

    Jolie’s story is almost a mirror image of Athena’s: rescued by attacking Zeon forces by Amuro Ray, but instead of being raised and cultivated by her benefactor, Jolie had been left to find her own path.
    Comments: I think you meant to say “rescued from attacking Zeon forces by Amuro Ray. The first “by” was a typo?

    Overall, the beginnings of the chapter…ahem…episode was a bit raw…but as the episode progresses, your writing does improve. I do encourage you to step away from the camera directions and screenplay-ish details, though. Learning more about the characters did make it more interesting of a read. Though I would like to invite you to revisit some of the earlier parts of this chapter to think of what you might edit or embellish to give a more "sharp" effect to it. In other words, your beginnings are not as strong as your middle and ending.

    There are some minor grammatical errors, but on the whole, it has been a good read. Thanks for being patient. I’m trying to do something about my unproductive multi-tasking. Sorry for making you wait.

    Will have to continue with feedbacking on episode 4 later.
    Last edited by Suet Seung; 07-04-09 at 12:53 AM.
    I just love how you Captivate My Mind

    Self reminder - Update blog more often and continue editing/writing for TOV fanfic.

  16. #316
    Moderator Ken Cheng's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suet Seung View Post
    Hello Ken,

    Yikes! Has it been almost a year since I last read your fan-fic? I do apologize for leaving you hanging. I do have more time to spend on leisure reading now. I’ll try to remember to read your fan-fic more often. You wait for JY's Condor Trilogy to be completely translated before reading them, so I'm almost tempted to do the same with your three parter fan-fic. And yet, I did say that I will read your fan-fiction and I will carry out my word.
    It's some pretty dense stuff, so no worries on not being faster.

    Episode/Chapter 3 feedback review



    About the first paragraph.

    Athena and Jolie arrive[is it arrive or arrives?] at Green Noah Colony in Side 7

    It’s [You meant its, *not* it's] been years since Jolie has been anywhere other than the dead-end streets of Industria Colony.


    These last two sentences don't do well with me. Could you rephrase it?
    In the first sentence, it is indeed "Athena and Jolie arrive...," because two people are arriving. With plural subjects, we need the plural verb "arrive." It's the same as writing, "Tom and Sue eat lunch at McDonalds," not "Tom and Sue eats lunch at McDonalds."

    In the second sentence, "it's" represents "it has." "Its" (no apostrophe) is only used under one condition in English, and that is as a possessive pronoun (i.e. "The bicycle lost its wheel.") Whenever we write "it's," that word will always be a contraction, usually "it is," but also occasionally "it has" if used in a certain context.

    I see this episode still reads more like a screenwriter/director’s version of the script in the way it describes what happens in the scene. Forgive me for being honest, but when you write it like that, the prose feels stiff and less natural. You might want to spend more time editing. I think these were some of the minor issues I had problems when I read the first two chapters.
    That gradually goes away as the story progresses. The first few chapters were written way back in 1991 when I was still learning how to be a writer, and as I intended it as a screenplay, I wrote it in a manner that (to me) read like stage directions.

    When I resurrected this project in 2007, I did not do too much reediting work on the first three or four chapters (all of which dated back to the 1990s), and they still have the feel of the way I wrote back during the early 1990s. Starting around Episode 5 or 6, however, you'll notice a difference, as that material was all written during 2007 or 2008.

    So you'll only need to suffer through the primitive writing style for another chapter or two before the quality of the prose improves considerably.

    When I'm done with EVERYTHING, I'm going to seriously look at rewriting the first few chapters of Part 1. You're right: they ARE embarrassing, but I was so impatient to get this story out there that I just took the old 1991-1996 writings pretty much untouched and posted them up, warts and all.


    In the part where Jolie tells Athena about her origins and how she ended up in Industria colony---it seems a bit too easy. She’s supposed to be a tough street girl, but she just looks “downcast” with “tears moist on her eyes”? It seems contradicting to the type of girl you’ve depicted her to be. I thought she’d at least look away and initially lie about her past.
    In the slum, Jolie had to be tough because being weak would make her fall prey to the predators who live in the colony. Although it's early in their relationship, Jolie senses a certain kinship with Athena...enough that she's willing to open up to the (slightly) older woman about her painful past. Athena is a kind of person who projects a kind of empathy that evokes trust. It's part of her charisma as a leader, and Jolie senses that and is willing to put her trust in Athena even though she doesn't know her that well yet.

    Telling a version most people expects to hear.
    Jolie is a terrible liar. What I mean is that she is a brutally honest person and isn't very good at telling lies. She says what she thinks, sometimes without filtering it through tact (like many people out there in real life). Thus, it never really even occurs to her to not be forthright with Athena. She's wanted to tell *somebody* for the longest time, and Athena is the first person she trusts enough to tell.

    Then Athena would notice she wasn’t telling the whole truth and ask Jolie to look her in the eyes and that's Jolie meets Athena’s piercing gaze and she reluctantly reveals the truth of her tragic origins. She has been on her own for five years and been used to the solitude. It makes me wonder why she'd open up to Athena.
    I think it's a pent-up need for empathy after such a long isolation, and because Athena projects that sort of empathy. Although I don't delve too much into it, it should be noted that Athena is the first person to have treated Jolie kindly in a long, long time. Jolie responds to that and becomes attached to Athena, who becomes the big sister she never had.

    Even if they've been through a little together, they're still practically new acquaintances. To me, Jolie would not reveal her true self to anyone easily, and actually talking about her painful past to someone she has come to know recently doesn't seem like her.
    Actually, as you read further, you'll find that one key characteristic of the young Jolie Minh is that she is very forthright about her thoughts and feelings (sometimes brutally so). She's a passionate person who wears her emotions on her sleeve (and don't forget, she's only sixteen and basically went through adolescence without any adult figures in her life).

    It had to be something Jolie saw in Athena's eyes that would convince her to talk about her origins. I would think Jolie had kept most of her past history to herself. And sharing her past with Athena would be the first time she ever shared it with anyone at all. So if she does decide to share it, it would be with a little hesitation, but with some newfound trust in Athena. Well, that's just how I see it, so far. If I'm totally off base with your characters, then....
    Not at all. You were just missing a few pieces because it's still early in the story and not everything has been revealed about the characters yet. It will make more sense in time.

    You're right about that scene needing further development, however. It would make for a better sequence to more fully characterize what it is about Athena Ibaz than Jolie responds to and decides to place her trust in. Jolie feels that Athena "gets" her, and senses that Athena is a fellow traveler on the same road...like herself, a war orphan who had to struggle while growing up (although Athena, being a former princess, had a very different struggle than Jolie).

    “Dom Minh” Is that a typo or Dominic suddenly turns into Dom?
    Heh. No. "Dom" is short for "Dominic," used as a term of affection by people who are close to him (i.e. his wife and his friends). It's like "Tom" for "Thomas" or "Don" for "Donald."

    “She’s got a hero’s heart.” --- Could you explain the grammar of this sentence?
    Not really. It seems pretty straightforward.

    Without contractions, it would read, "She has got a hero's heart." That's technically not grammatically correct, but people seldom *speak* in grammatically correct sentences anyway. In writing character dialogue, I tend to avoid perfect grammar unless that's part of the character's personality (i.e. someone who insists on perfect grammar). It's more important that the language of the dialogue sound natural...the way that people generally speak.

    Also, don't forget that these characters have different levels of education and sophistication. Athena Ibaz would naturally use more refined, grammatically precise language because she came from an elite social status and is highly educated as well as intellectually inclined. Jolie is a girl of the streets, and even as a child, she was an indifferent student at school, so her language will naturally be less grammatically precise.

    Each character's speech pattern reflects his or her personality, education, social background, and intellectual depth, and will thus vary from character to character. There's no reason they should sound all the same; that'd be boring and more than a little weird.

    [ I think it sounds better with 'runs' than run, what do you think?]
    Grammatically, it wouldn't work. Jean Michel and Jolie (two subjects) run together. "Runs" means only one of them is running, which isn't the case.

    Jolie,” Mrs. Minh calls out, “Come home after school right away this afternoon. We’re having a birthday party for you!”<--Awkward

    ---awkward wording
    Awkward, yes, but the way people tend to talk. I don't want the dialogue to sound too mannered or unnatural. Mrs. Minh is a housewife with probably a high school education, so her speech pattern should not be overly sophisticated.

    Suggestion: Alexander has earned himself a reputation as one of the most ruthless and deadliest military commanders of either the Earth or Zeon side.
    I think that was a typo on the word "on" (ended up as "one" instead).

    Comments: In other words, Dominic just said, "You pig! You killed my son!" Now, why does he sound like some feminist or wife of some lazyass husband?

    I'd rather have Dominic growl this line: “You...wretched barbarian! How dare you murder my son!” And something else to embellish a father's last heroic move before he dies trying to avenge his son's murderer.
    This is where the naturalness of the diction comes in again. "Wretched barbarian" doesn't sound like a phrase that most people would utter...especially immediately after watching their family being brutally murdered. If they can find words to say at all, those words will be guttural and basic...from the heart, not from the brain. Moreover, Dominic Minh also was not a particularly well-educated character. Although he probably does know the words "wretched" and "barbarian," those would probably not be the first words to come into his mind during a moment of extreme grief and distress.

    I (Ken Cheng, the narrator) would probably call Alexander Miguel a "wretched barbarian," but Dominic Minh is unlikely to think of those words in that situation.

    Alexander Miguel is an interesting villain. He doesn’t seem old in the pictorial representation of him. How much older is he to Jolie?
    At the time that he murders Jolie's family, he's in his late twenties (probably twenty-seven or twenty-eight). By the time he shows up again later (in Part 2), he's in his early to mid-thirties. Jolie is ten when her parents die, and somewhere between fifteen and sixteen when she is discovered by Athena.

    He does deserve the cruel reputation of being “one of the most ruthless and deadliest commanders of Zeon.” He reminds me of how TVB would often portray some ruthless Mongolian warrior pillaging and killing innocent Song villagers.
    He is that sort, but on top of that, he also has a sheen of aristocratic charm that many people find hard to resist. He's a little bit like Mo Yung F'uk in this regard, although Alexander is more cunning and a better schemer than Mo Yung F'uk ever was.


    I am enjoying the flashback sequence and learning more about Jolie Minh’s tragic losses.
    The roots of the character lie in that tragedy.

    But it's only Jolie's first tragedy. As the story progresses, she'll experience others.

    What happens to Amuro? I must've missed something.
    Amuro Ray was the protagonist of the original GUNDAM series (and as such, one of the most famous characters in anime). He is believed to have perished in the 1988 animated movie GUNDAM: CHAR'S COUNTERATTACK.

    Here is his character biography from Wikipedia. Amuro Ray, in the GUNDAM universe, is a character who occupies a role comparable to that of Kiu Fung or Gwok Jing in the Jin Yong universe: a legendary hero of great reputation and accomplishment.

    He becomes Jolie's idol and hero, and she aspires to become like him someday.


    Comments: I think you meant to say “rescued from attacking Zeon forces by Amuro Ray. The first “by” was a typo?
    Yes, that's a typo.

    Overall, the beginnings of the chapter…ahem…episode was a bit raw…but as the episode progresses, your writing does improve. I do encourage you to step away from the camera directions and screenplay-ish details, though. Learning more about the characters did make it more interesting of a read. Though I would like to invite you to revisit some of the earlier parts of this chapter to think of what you might edit or embellish to give a more "sharp" effect to it. In other words, your beginnings are not as strong as your middle and ending.
    The screenplay style disappears, never to return, after a few more episodes. Even after I adopt a more traditional prose style, however, I nevertheless try to retain a certain cinematographic quality to the writing (though not a literal screenplay style). GUNDAM, of course, is an anime and manga franchise and is dependent upon pictures. I only have a very limited supply of pictures, so I try to use words to achieve a similar "cinematic" effect.

    There are some minor grammatical errors, but on the whole, it has been a good read. Thanks for being patient. I’m trying to do something about my unproductive multi-tasking. Sorry for making you wait.
    No problem. It was well worth the wait. Best review I've ever received, with a clear eye for detail and good critical input. I eagerly (but patiently) await more.

    Thanks.

  17. #317
    Moderator Ken Cheng's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suet Seung View Post


    In the part where Jolie tells Athena about her origins and how she ended up in Industria colony---it seems a bit too easy. She’s supposed to be a tough street girl, but she just looks “downcast” with “tears moist on her eyes”? It seems contradicting to the type of girl you’ve depicted her to be. I thought she’d at least look away and initially lie about her past. Telling a version most people expects to hear. Then Athena would notice she wasn’t telling the whole truth and ask Jolie to look her in the eyes and that's when Jolie meets Athena’s piercing gaze and she reluctantly reveals the truth of her tragic origins. She has been on her own for five years and been used to the solitude. It makes me wonder why she'd open up to Athena. Even if they've been through a little together, they're still practically new acquaintances. To me, Jolie would not reveal her true self to anyone easily, and actually talking about her painful past to someone she has come to know recently doesn't seem like her. It had to be something Jolie saw in Athena's eyes that would convince her to talk about her origins. I would think Jolie had kept most of her past history to herself. And sharing her past with Athena would be the first time she ever shared it with anyone at all. So if she does decide to share it, it would be with a little hesitation, but with some newfound trust in Athena. Well, that's just how I see it, so far. If I'm totally off base with your characters, then....
    I did some thinking about your remarks here today, and I realized something else I hadn't noticed before.

    Sometimes, an author will write a solution into the story for a seeming logical problem, and the funny thing is, the author did not intend to do so at the time, but just got extremely lucky and had it work out for the best.

    This happened here: don't forget, as Jolie tells Athena the story about her past, she has just drunk about three glasses of vintage wine.

    When I wrote that, it was just a dining scene, and maybe to demonstrate an early instance of Athena and Jolie's Bacchanalian tendencies, but it also helps to explain this apparent character inconsistency you detected.

    I would say that Athena deliberately got Jolie loosened up with wine, and that's why Jolie was so ready to open up to her. People say the darndest things when their inhibitions are loosened by alcohol.

    That must have been the case with Jolie.

    I didn't intend for the scene to work that way, but it works out well. I got lucky.

  18. #318
    Senior Member Ghaleon's Avatar
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    Yeah i like the second set of drawings... Nice Let me know when you write the Rayann character into your fanfic.

  19. #319
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    A new iconic image of the two protagonists of MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM: THE SECOND CENTURY PART 1: Captain Athena Ibaz and 2Lt. Jolie Minh.



  20. #320
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    just posting to show support
    Participate in SPCNET Idol Season 4!!!

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