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Thread: The Black Rose Chronicles

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    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    Default The Black Rose Chronicles

    PROLOGUE:

    Ichiro Yamasaki has no care for the world, a society he mocks as being hedonistic and hypocritical. Although born into a rich upper-class family, he chooses instead to defy all conventions—everything from his crazy hairstyle, lazy attire to occupation as a mover. Filled with bitterness and contempt, he refuses to give away any part of himself and isn’t afraid to break many hearts. As fate would have it, he meets Yun Kim, a poor and hardworking Korean girl five years his junior. They’re both the last person to possess the qualities of an ideal mate for each other, yet a strong force manages to pull them together. Their love is strong as Ichiro stays by Yun’s side as she slowly progresses and matures through her professional and academic path. However, how long can they keep their facade up? As time passes, their roles start to reverse—their social and racial differences widening in front of their eyes—factors they both deemed as unimportant in the midst of their love. But is love really enough to overcome their pride—enough to transcend societal and familial pressures?



    ----

    CHAPTER 1:

    The vivid colours were flashing in front of my eyes again, as I heard the hauntingly familiar tune trail down my spine. Somehow, the notes sung out were like needles, piercing my skin as I felt small packets of pain. I wanted to reach out, to grab onto the shoulder of the woman singing the hymn, but she seemed to be flying above me, beyond my reach. Somehow I knew that my time was almost up—before long, she would completely disappear. The outline of her figure was already becoming more and more faint by the second—a persistent tapping noise was foreshadowing the end….

    The tapping got louder and louder as I finally rubbed my eyes and arched my head back on the pillow with a groan. It was morning yet again. Then again, why am I not surprised? It’s not like I can ever escape this cycle.

    “Give me a second,” I called out, standing bare-chested in front of the mirror as I inspected my wounds. Grimacing, I fingered the fresh cut from the crater falling on my shoulder the afternoon before. Oh well, physical pains meant very little to mean now. Staring down at the messy floor in front of me, I tried to pick out a T-shirt to wear for today’s job. Man, what could I wear? I kicked the pile of clothes around as I tried to scope out the raggiest and dirtiest T-shirt I had in my collection. I heard that my father had arrived last night from his meeting in Tokyo and I wanted to make sure I was greeting him in style. Snickering, I scoped out a torn black T-shirt with a skull dripping full of blood. I then proceeded through my jeans to find one with large holes. To add to the final touch, I added my earring stud and rummaged my hair up a bit. So I was destroying the new Gackt style ‘do’ that cost me quite a bit…everything was worth pissing off the old bastard.

    After I was satisfied with my appearance, I opened the door to a grandmotherly looking older woman with a tray in hand. “Ichiro,” she gasped in shock. “Dr. Yamasaki is waiting downstairs! Perhaps you should change into something more suitable?”

    “And that’s precisely why I am wearing my favourite clothes,” I grinned, patting her on the shoulder as I accepted the tray with a wink of thanks. Unlike most other Japanese patriarchs, my father preferred White servants to Japanese ones. Who knows what’s running in that twisted sick mind of his? He probably get a high out of ordering the Whiteys around for once, I could care less. Fran has been with our family for a while though, and as much as I despised the whole master-slave bullshit that my father had going, I have to admit that I did enjoy her company. She was probably the only person I could half tolerate in the entire so-called family.

    Shutting the door, I strolled down the stairs, making an extra effort to slouch my shoulders and stomp on the stairs. I heard footsteps behind me and gazed back lazily to see the kid scramble to rush down the stairs in full prep boy gear with slicked hair and fully iron-pressed attire in order to greet his honored father. I scoffed at his widened eyes as he stared at me in disbelief for a few seconds, frozen down the stairs. Man, the kid was becoming more like the old bastard by the day. Although in all honesty, the kid wasn’t too bad. He didn’t even reach one tenth the epitome of ruthlessness and deceit that my father possessed yet. All Kaito had on him right now were arrogance and pride. Sure, tons of rich people were arrogant and proud, that meant shit.

    “What are you waiting for?” I mocked. “You’re going to be late, in case you haven’t checked your Rolex.”

    Tightening his jaw, I saw the kid tense up as he slipped past me. He learned not to argue with me the last time I nearly gave him a black eye. He could tattle on me, but the kid had a backbone, I have to admit. He picked his battles and he was a stubborn one too. But because he was the old bastard’s son, I couldn’t help but hate him too.

    A few seconds later, I made my grand entrance. It had been three solid months since I saw the old bastard and everyone around the household had been busy for the last week prepping for his arrival. The thought of seeing his face made me want to puke before even eating anything, but I felt my lips curve into a satisfied sneer as I saw the veins in his temples popping.

    “Ichiro Yamasaki,” he bellowed out. “How dare you walk in my house dressed like—like—garbage?” he spat out.

    “Why, Yoshi Yamasaki, I thought you would be pleased that I wore my favourite clothes to greet you,” I answered in a sing-a-long voice.

    “Ichiro, how could you address your father like that?” the old witch spurted, her eyebrows furrowing up with rage.

    “Leave, NOW!” the old bastard yelled, dropping his fist on the table.

    “Gladly,” I answered with a lazy eye and winked at them as I made my way to the door.

    “Where in the world do you think you’re going wearing that?!” I heard him call out from the back.

    Turning around, I mocked surprise, “To work, where else?”

    “Oh Yoshi,” I heard the old witch lament. “One of my friends saw him the other day moving—it was such an embarrassment. Oh, I don’t know how much longer I must endure this…I simply can’t any longer. This is such a disgrace to the family name. My father must be turning in his grave right now—oh, I—“

    I didn’t even bother listening to the rest of her wails. It was the same crap anyway, her materialistic needs, her shopping spurges, her cries for more, more, and more. As I merged into the busy Vancouver streets, I couldn’t help but feel the same bitter emptiness every time one of these show-downs occurred. My life had been turned upside down ever since I discovered the truth five years ago. What killed me more was the fact that I always knew, yet I refused to believe anything.

    Sometimes I wondered, what would’ve happened if I had been left behind in Japan? Would I have been put into a home and grown up to be a street rat? Sent to a different home? Yet my selfish mother’s choice changed my life forever. Sure, she got her revenge, but did she even think about me?

    Nothing seems to faze me, yet that night 5 years ago haunts me like yesterday. My mother’s stricken face as she stood on the rooftop of one of the tallest skyscrapers in Tokyo, yelling curses at my father for deserting us for the old witch for a chance to come to Canada. She made headlines across all the major newspapers despite my father’s desperate attempts to bribe the press. Hot news like that was a once in a lifetime chance and they sure weren’t going to pass it up. To minimize the damage, he had to take me in or else the black smeared to his name would be even darker. Was part of it due to guilt? Who knows.

    After discovering the tape, everything finally pieced together. Why I was given the cold shoulder ever since I arrived into my new family. Why my father and stepmother failed to acknowledge me. Why my little brother was treated like God while I was consistently ignored. A flame ignited inside of me, and wouldn’t burn down. I was done with working extra hard to please two cold bastards who probably wished everyday for me to disappear. I was done with trying to excel so they would pay more attention to me. Why? Because I was done with seeking their love. My phony life started to map out in front of my eyes and I soon realized that I wanted to be in no way a part of their hedonistic and materialistic world.

    I often thought about leaving, creating a fort of my own, but every time I wanted to cut all relations with the old bastard, my mother’s words came back to haunt me, over and over. I don’t know who was truly the debt collector—her for giving me life and raising me until I was five or me for being denied a normal childhood.

    Washing away the bitterness within with my music, I jogged up to my buddies and slapped them on the back. After fooling around for a couple of minutes and started to gather up the gear for a day’s work. We drove to Victoria, where a Korean family was planning to relocate to Vancouver. It looked like it was going to be a long day ahead, as I rubbed my wound and stared ahead to the winding roads in front of us.

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    So many views, but no feedback humph.

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    Chapter 2

    The guys made their usual jokes in the truck, but the morning had set me off in a sour mood. I knew that this arrangement of pissing off the older bastard wasn’t going to last forever. He was a cunning man, and certainly not one easily to be made a fool of. I could move out, and just leave it, but every time I thought of this option, an intensified flame burned inside of me, bringing back all the angry memories.

    “Yo, dude, what’s wrong with you today?” Tucker called out, giving me a funny look. “What are you doing in la-la land?”

    “Nothing, man, just chilling,” I answered dully, letting out a sigh.

    “You want me to introduce you to some hot chicks?” he asked with a perverse smile on his face. “These ones I met on the weekend are HUUUGE if you know what I mean. You need to let go, let loose, get out more!”

    “Ya, man, all you do is sulk around, you gotta see the ACTION buddy!” Phil chimed in, giving me a friendly punch.

    Rolling my eyes, I just laughed, wishing that I led a life as easygoing and relaxed as those two. Sex to me, was essentially, sex. You get some of it, and there isn’t much to it. Like every other guy, I enjoyed good sex once in a while, but at times, I felt that I *****d myself more than the *****s I slept with. It started off as a way to piss the old bastard and witch, by bringing home call girls and making a lot of noise. It was sure worth the extra tips I had to give the girl to make all that racket. I knew my limits though, and I had definitely gone way too far that time. Everything is about balance….

    “Hey man, we’re here,” Tucker noted, scoping out the area. “Looks pretty run-down to me.”

    “Whatever,” I said with a shrug as I got out of the truck to ring the doorbell. To my surprise, the door flung open before I managed to press the button. I stepped back as my mouth slowly curved into a smile. A very pretty Korean girl with long black hair and doe-shaped eyes stared back at me. Although she wore a loose sweatshirt and tight fitting jeans, it was evident that she had a great figure. I heard the guys whistle from the back and I quickly shot them a death glare. Free talk was fine in the truck, but we were professional movers, and this was no time to act like indecent animals; the lady deserved our respect.

    Before I could utter a word though, she let out a sigh and took out a clipboard, “You’re five minutes late. We’re running on a tight schedule here, so I hope you’ll keep a close watch on the time from now on.”

    “Sorry, the traffic was—“ I began to explain.

    Ignoring my explanation, she cut me off, “Anyway, as I was saying, I have the entire plan here. If you look at the layout map here—“

    “Wait a second, slow down Miss,” I said, raising my hands in the air. Sure, she was super cute, but this was a bit too strange. How old was she anyway? She looked around the kid’s age. Looking down at my records, I adjusted my cap and asked, “I believe I need to speak to a Mrs. Yun Kim, who made the order with our company.”

    Letting out a tight laugh, she stared into my eyes, “I am Ms. Yun Kim,” emphasizing the “Ms.”

    Although it was very unprofessional of me, I let out a scoff and narrowed my eyes suspiciously, “Aren’t your parents home?”

    I heard another exasperated sigh as she said impatiently, “They don’t speak English! I can’t believe this—another five minutes wasted!”

    Tucker was done unloading the carts by now and stepped forward with a very annoyed expression on his face, “Look lady, you need to relax. Ichiro’s got it all under control, he is the one who usually does the arrangements. If you’ve read the terms of agreements, WE are the ones executing the move, not the customers.”

    I could see her body tense up as her beautiful eyes flashed, “But I know my house better than any of you! This is the most optimal way to save time.” With a glare, she added, “In the point of view of the customers, we evidently understand that you charge by the hour, hence our key objective is to save TIME, which we are wasting by the second!”

    Tucker started to charge back again, and I knew exactly what he was thinking, as we just dealt with some snobby and difficult customers the day before. In this profession, it’s not unusual for people to look down upon us as the ‘help’, but the more reason why I loved it. It absolutely killed me to see people go on power trips, thinking they’re all that, ordering the help around to displace problems with their work and marriage. Sometimes I wonder if I’m sadistic as I watch unhappy stories unfold before me. But from watching so many families, I felt that this girl carried a different air to her. She may have come across as being arrogant, but I would call it confidence. Besides, I was interested to see what her big plan was.

    Rolling my sleeves, I gave her a knowing smile and leaned against the door frame. “We always place customers first. If you can convince me that your plan is better than mine, we’ll run things your way.”

    “Ichiro,” Tucker exclaimed, his eyebrows furrowing up. Brushing him off with a wave of my hand, I let her talk.

    Given the pressure, most people would have faltered a bit, but not Yun Kim, who raised her chin up and pinned her layout map in the air. And she started to talk, and talk, and talk for three whole minutes. I could tell that Tucker and Phil were already lost, but I caught onto every single word, enjoying the sound of her clear voice enunciating all the steps. And as much as I hate to admit it, she was good…very good. Without another word, I set foot in the house and scoped the different rooms out. If it wasn’t for her map, I might’ve done things differently, but she really wins, hands down.

    I knew Tucker and Phil accepted it grudgingly too, probably still pissed that they were being ordered around by a young girl. Normally, I would’ve been pissed as hell, but somehow she didn’t rub off on me that way. She made suggestions, but it was in no way disrespectful or controlling. In fact, if she hadn’t spoken up, we would’ve wasted more time and efforts.

    Her parents looked like sweet people, who mostly stayed in the back to organize their belongings, speaking only Korean to the girl. However, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her throughout the entire morning. Somehow, they always made their way back to her movements, gestures, and expressions. I always liked analyzing people, but she seemed like a hard one to break. Then I caught something very interesting. From the corner of my eye, I saw her giving her younger sister, a jumpy and smiling child, a whimsical, almost envious look. I recognized this because I knew it was a look that was too familiar to me as a child, and carried throughout adulthood. As much as I despised everything the kid represented to me, I couldn’t help but wonder if everything would be easier if I was as materialistic and money-hungry as the kid and old witch. Maybe I wouldn’t have this ball of flame in my heart right now.

    And at that moment, she suddenly looked so vulnerable, so lost. Perhaps she didn’t want to assume the role of a commander, the role of an adult. The yearning in her eyes, reminded me of my own urge to run as wildly and freely as the little girl was doing.
    My thoughts were interrupted when she tapped me on the shoulder with a soup bowl in hand. “Lunch time,” she called out with a smile. “I’m not a total slave driver, you know.”

    After blowing the steam of the kimchi soup, I plopped down and sat beside her on the front steps. “So, what’s your secret?” I asked with a flirtatious grin.

    “What secret?” she challenged, not fazed.

    “Ever worked for a moving company before? Is that why you’re so pro?” I asked with a teasing smile.

    Chuckling softly, she said mysteriously, “There’s a reason it’s a secret.”

    We chatted for a bit longer and I could feel her easing up a bit. When she wasn’t ordering us around, she was actually quite cute. I especially liked the way her doe-shaped eyes lit up at the sound of Vancouver. “There must be so much to do there!” she gushed, a brilliant smile spreading over her entire face. She was good at many things, I could tell, but when she was excited, there was this glow in her eyes, one that could light up from a genuine interest.

    Time flashed in front of my eyes, and before I knew it, we were finished unloading the last boxes. I was pretty dead, especially with my wounded shoulder, and pretty much ready to call it a night. However, something inside me wanted to catch another glimpse of the girl. But man, if Tucker and Phil caught sight of me like this, they would never let me hear the end of it. I was about to hand over the billing form for Tucker to deal with the girl when I felt a tug on my shoulder. To my surprise, I caught sight of her again. This time, her eyes were wide and frantic, quite a departure from the steady and confident look she gave everyone the entire day.

    “Are you sure you have ALL the boxes?” she demanded breathlessly, not letting go of my arm. “Well, you made the check, didn’t you?” I answered, as I scratched my head. “You said you were going to personally inspect everything.”

    “Did you let go of any boxes that I didn’t personally authorize?” she continued to press urgently.

    “Whoa, girl, calm down,” Tucker said tiredly. “Your dad I think, did tell me to remove a box.”

    “What?” she exclaimed, her face turning white. She ran back instantly, ignoring Tucker’s cries for her to sign the form.

    “Oh my God, if I ever get my hands on her—“ Tucker murmured at the bottom of his breath as he sat in the back of the truck. Shoving the form to me, he grunted, “You can take care of it, I’m gonna take a nap.”

    Normally, I would’ve been annoyed too in a situation like this. But she just didn’t seem like the type to make such a huge fuss without reason. And being a curious person, I followed her towards the back. Well, not really ‘follow’ considering I still had to get the girl to sign the form. I felt out of place as I stood in the back, watching Yun argue heatedly with her father in Korean. Must be something about the box.

    Then something that completely shocked me occurred. Tears welled up in her eyes as she turned away hastily from her father. She looked so fragile then, almost like a glass doll as she made a mad attempt to wipe away her tears away when she realized I was standing there.

    In a empty voice, she apologized, “Sorry to keep you waiting. Here, I’ll sign the form. You guys should get some rest, you worked so hard time today.”

    I couldn’t help but ask, “Is anything wrong?”

    “Oh nothing,” she said abruptly, handing me back the form.

    Before she left, I grabbed her arm and asked, “Was there something very important to you in that box?”

    She stared at me for a couple of seconds, and I saw a very sad and longing look in her young eyes. It was evident that I had hit Bull’s eye, but she pulled away and just shook her head and brushed me off, “Don’t worry about it.”

    Throughout the whole drive, I couldn’t keep her off my mind. For some strange reason, the more I thought about her teary face, the more I felt agitated and crappy inside. Finally, I got to the point where I knew I had gone completely mad, but I turned to Tucker and demanded, “Where did you put the box Mr. Kim told you to toss?”

    Tucker gave me the weirdest look in the world as he stared at me with his mouth agape, “Is that what you’ve been thinking about this whole ride? What the hell, are you infatuated with that girl or something? She’s cute, but isn’t she a bit err—YOUNG for you?”

    “Where is it?” I asked, gritting my teeth. “In the front,” he answered, the mocking expression gone from his face. “Buddy, are you high or something? What the hell—“

    Cutting him off, I pointed out the door. “This is the company, both of you, get out.”

    Phil rubbed his eyes, now fully awake, “Dude, you can’t be serious. You are not going to drive back to—“

    Facing them, I said flatly, “Do you still want me to cover for you in the future?”

    “But you don’t even know her!” Tucker protested as he started to get off. “Fine, fine, whatever floats your boat,” he said, rolling his eyes as he raised his hands in the air.

    When they were out of earshot, I returned the truck and headed for my old Ford. The old witch almost fainted at the sight of it and demanded to buy me a BMW in order to keep up the ****ing family image, whatever crap she was trying to dish out.

    Shakily, I turned on the radio full blast and drove back well above the speed limit on a long way back to Victoria. What the hell was I thinking? Why was I doing this? I tried to use the music to wash out questions that I didn’t have the answer to.

    Breathlessly, I brought the car to a sharp stop and rushed out the door. It was already getting dark, but their old house looked deserted enough. And true to Tucker’s word, there was a paper box on the front lawn, along with some furniture items that the Kims didn’t want. My curiosity was burning at this stage as I neared the box and carried it to the car. I immediately broke open the flaps as I lit a cigarette, wondering what the hell was inside the box to make it so damn heavy.

    “Books?” I frowned, as I flipped through the items inside the box. “Where is the goddamn switch?” I grumbled, as I tried to feel for it in the dark. My lips curved into a smile when I recognized the name of the magazines in the box. “Black Rose Chronicles,” I said with a deep chuckle. They were an old manga that was long out of date, but the quality was far higher than the current ones. I was well-read and had a huge collection back in Japan. My eyes darkened as I remembered the old witch barking about how useless they were, forcing me to throw them out. This trip was worth it, every liter of gas and kilometer of highway road, to see the Black Rose Chronicles again.

    What prompted me to make this trip in the first place? The look in her eyes, or myself? Perhaps I saw a bit of myself in her at that moment, the vulnerability, the naked confidence to face the world. I felt a strange sensation as I kept flipping through my beloved childhood possessions, wondering how in the world a girl like Yun had a common interest.

    But what really surprised me was the bottom half of the box, after the last edition. Gingerly, I puffed out and unlit my cigarette as I turned the pages in amazement. Yun had continued the series, hand-drawn and delicately scripted by herself. Smiling to myself, I spent the rest of the night in the car, reading through her witty and emotional renditions. This girl had so much talent that it wasn’t even funny. Quite artistic too. Very detailed-oriented. I tried to match the many sides of Yun Kim that I saw in the day with the author behind these…these…masterpieces, but I couldn’t. There was so much more to the girl than what I saw.

    At the turn of the last page, I waited for a bit before heading for the three hour drive back. Closing my eyes, I arched back my head. Strangely, I felt…at peace. For a moment, all the hatred, all the images of my mother, the old bastard, the old witch, the kid….everything just stopped for a while. And for a moment, I felt myself take a breather in the still of the night.

    Her closing eyes echoed in my head:

    “The love of a century, the curse of an eternity. He who seeks her beauty shall drink her blood. If he who does not fall to poisons shall possess her for all time. Else, she will wilt, wither, and waste away…her dark tears freezing her petals. Who will be there to wipe away her tears after the seeker leaves? Never again will there be enough warmth to melt away her pains.

    Bitter, sweet, the price of a forbidden passion. The black rose, who will cry for her? For she is only an illusion, a mirage that only exists in the deepest realms of one’s desires.”

    Silently, I drove back with the box in the passenger seat next to me and its contents close to heart. I stared at her window of their new bungalow house for a long time, before sealing the entire box with duct tape and writing her name on the top. For some reason, her parents did not recognize her talent, but I was sure the box would get to her after leaving it under the window still of bedroom. I understood her tears, a poet’s tears, an artist’s tears.

    Perhaps her eyes would light up with recognition the next morning. After all, there were only three of us. But that wasn’t important, because I doubt we would run into each other again.

    With the only black pen in my car, I attempted my best rendition of the black rose, something I enjoyed sketching since I was young. I smiled at her window, with my note standing its own little forte against the wind. Softly into the warm evening wind, I whispered, “Goodbye, my little black rose, all the best in whatever your heart desires.”

    And with that, I drove back. The roads seemed were as dark as before, but not quite as lonely.

















    Chapter 3

    After that night, I didn’t see her again for the next year or so. Life eventually progressed back to normal, if there was any worthwhile regularity in my life to begin with. The old bastard left for Tokyo months at a time, and the old witch worked her best to ignore me. Although I hated her guts, my major beef was with him so I didn’t bother to waste the energy to anger her as much and she returned the favor by staying out of my way and business.

    The kid grew taller by the day, and apparently he’s about to graduate this year? Not that I cared, but I chuckle when I think back to a time when I was at the same stage in my life, yet already finished year three university curriculum. I was on top of the world and more…and then the truth slammed on top of me like an ice-cold bucket of ice during the first day of winter.

    Did I always belong in hell? I often wondered this, as I watched the moments of my life pass by lethargically, minutes and second ticking by without meaning.

    Sometimes, in between random dates, guys’ nights out, and one-night stands, after a long day’s laborious work, after another cold war with the old bastard, I would find myself driving back to Yun’s house in the still of the night, gazing into those familiar window sills. My note was no longer there the first time I made it back three months later, and neither was the box. Had she read it? I wasn’t sure, but I would like to think so. I had no idea what was up with my ritual, but somehow it calmed me everytime. And then I would take the old Ford for a drive, anything to escape the haunting chants of the night demons. There was no one there, just me and the roads, and I felt at peace.

    Life works in funny ways, and one afternoon, the week before I was about to move out of the house for good, fate happened. More specifically, Yun happened….

    Covered in sweat, I untied the bandana wrapped around my head and walked into the front door loudly, stretching my arms. There was the sound of chatter coming from the living room. Letting out an annoyed sigh, I contemplated for a second on what to do. Should I go in and embarrass the kid? Ask me a year ago, and I would have gladly done so. But today, I was so damn tired that I didn’t feel like making the effort to do anything, malicious or not. I just wanted to lie on my bed, and smoke, drink, anything for the day to pass away.

    Licking my lips, I walked away from the living room and towards the kitchen. A girl’s back was facing me in the kitchen, sipping orange juice. Oh well, too bad kid, you’re on your own for this because I ain’t getting out of here now that I’ve got to quench my thirst.

    Turning towards the fridge, I grabbed some a beer bottle from the bottom and popped it open. The girl probably figured someone was in the room with her by now, and when I closed the door, I would be face to face with her. Smirking, I wonder what her expression would be—shocked? Disgusted? My brother went to the most prestigious private school in the city, one I wished to enter when I was younger. Now, I just roll over laughing at my childish dreams.

    I immediately lost the smirk when I stared into the doe-shaped eyes of Yun Kim. Despite her casual attire that day one year ago, anyone would’ve said she was beautiful. But today, I felt my throat going dry as I gave a quick glance at her neatly pressed school uniform that accentuated her figure. There wasn’t a hint of make-up on her, but that certainly didn’t take away any of her beauty…no, it certainly enhanced it. I felt myself being pulled towards the perfect shape of her plump lips, which opened up in a gasp of surprise.

    She was originally going to give me a polite nod of acknowledgement, but her eyes lit up slowly with recognition. At that moment, I knew that she had seen the note and received the contents of the box. We didn’t speak for a minute or so, standing there in silence. She was the first to laugh, breaking the ice. “It’s nice to see you again,” she said in a genuine tone, her eyes smiling.

    I nodded, not knowing what really to say. She seemed to be finished her drink, but she took an extra sip out of the empty cup. “So what brings you here?” I asked, even though I had already guessed the answer.

    “Oh, I’m doing a group project for our literature class with Kaito,” she explained. Her eyes seemed to be questioning me with caution, almost as if she was afraid to ask what my relationship with the kid was. But I could tell she was curious. There was no question that my attire and occupation were out of place.

    Introductions, man I hated them. Those damn masks, take one off, put another one. “Hello, today I am Ichiro the mover, and hi, tomorrow I am Ichiro, Kaito’s older brother.” Ha, I wonder how she would react if I actually said those words. Something told me that she would be able to handle it, but I didn’t want to challenge her unnecessarily. This is why I like to go to the bar and clubs to meet women. No words were needed, all I had to do was break a bottle, eye them, and they would come running like a puppy dog. And after I was done my business, I could leave and walk out.

    “Well, I guess I should re-introduce myself as Kaito’s older brother then,” I decided to say. Boring, but to the point. It has been so long since I referred to the kid as Kaito, and myself as the older brother. The kid and old witch would have heart attacks if they heard me now. And the fact that I didn’t even emphasize ‘half-brother’. Some details were just excessive, and I doubt she would understand anyway.

    “Oh I see,” she nodded, giving me another awkward smile. I knew what she was thinking, but she was too polite to say anything about it.

    I leaned against the fridge as I took a sip of the refreshing beer. Arching my eyebrows, this time I gazed at her with questioning eyes, “So I take it that you attend the same academy as Kaito….”

    From the change in her gaze, I knew that she realized what question I was really asking. Unfazed, she stared back and said confidently, “Yes, I am on the full scholarship program.”

    There was something addictive, yet so irritating about her expression, one I often found on men the old bastard dined with. There was strength, there was confidence, but there was the raw hunger to succeed, to transcend all and rise to the top. There was no doubt in my mind that she would have it all, the world if she wanted. But was it really what she wanted? There was something about her that pulled me forward, yet I knew I had to stay back, because it was really more than I was willing to handle at the moment.

    After downing the rest of the bottle, I gave her a lazy smile and pointed to the fridge. “There’s plenty of beer in the fridge. It’s pretty hot today, help yourself.”

    Her mouth formed an O-shaped, but she quickly snapped it shut. With a half-amused look on her face, she just said coolly, “I’m not of age to drink yet.”

    Scoffing, I gave her a skeptical look, almost as if to ask whether she was serious or not. I expected her to answer with a polite refusal, or to look a bit shy. Most girls her age would die of embarrassment at the mention of being under-aged to drink, yet once again, it didn’t faze her at all. And now, I wasn’t really that surprised about her anymore.

    “Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to find it,” I said with a wink, as I proceeded to head upstairs.

    “Wait,” she called out. Stopping in my tracks, I turned around and said with a laugh, “That was pretty fast.”

    Her expression softened as she walked over and looked up at me. “Thanks…for everything,” she said quietly. I was about to speak when I heard the kid’s loud voice coming from the living room, “Yun, are you alright? You’ve been gone for a long time, do you need help with anything?”

    His tone seemed so concerned, so careful, without the drip of arrogance he usually spoke to Fran or the other servants with that I was used to hearing. I heard footsteps coming our way, and Yun gave me a sheepish look as she went to greet the kid.

    It wasn’t until I was lying on my bed that her words came back to me, “I’m not of age to drink yet.” She was so mature, but after all, she was the kid’s classmate…a kid herself. But a very cute one indeed.

    And each time I thought I wouldn’t see her again, she pops up in front of me again and again. I guess their project carried on for the entire week because I caught sight of her in the living room a couple of times on my way back from work. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I stopped going out with the guys for beer after work to return to the hell hole early. I was losing control and I didn’t like it. I wasn’t the only one who didn’t like it though. The kid looked like he just ate a can of chili after seeing me stop in the doorway of the living room in my usual attire. All his classmates stared up at me with condescending curiosity, except for Yun who smiled with amusement, almost as if she knew what kind of effect she was having on me.

    On Friday, I finished up a bit later than usual and came home looking like a wreck. I got bruised on my left chin when Tucker wasn’t looking where he was going and it hurt like a bit.ch. Probably needed to go to the drug store to get something for it. I sat outside for a while, wiping off sweat as I tried to start up the car. I only made it to the next block before it died on me again.

    Cursing loudly, I kicked the bumper as I threw my hands into my messy hair. Sure, I could take the BMW, but f.uck that, no way I’m bowing down to them.

    Suddenly, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder and my eyes widened when I came face to face with a giggling Yun who tilted her head and said coyly, “I could hear you from all the way back there. Need some help?”

    Now I felt really insulted, and about as tall as the little kid running around the house we were standing in front of. That is, despite the fact that I actually towered over her petite figure.

    Seeing my expression, she finally couldn’t suppress a warm laugh before reaching out her hand, “Give me a wench.”

    “No, I refuse,” I insisted. This was getting absolutely ridiculous.

    “Oh, let go of your manly pride and just get me one,” she sighed as she straightened the hem of her skirt.

    We stood locked in each other’s gazes for a minute, neither willing to budge. “I need a ride home you know,” she teased.

    “Why didn’t Kaito give you one?” I barked back, still refusing to let my guard down.

    “He offered, but I prefer riding in cars I personally helped to fix,” she said cheekily.

    Damn, this girl was so stubborn. Finally, I let out a sigh and threw up my hands in surrender as I rummaged through the trunk for a wench. Raising her chin, proud that she won, Yun rolled up the sleeves of her uniform sweater and crouched down below the car. However, before she started to work, she looked up and gave me a death glare, “Don’t look at me! Firstly, I don’t want you learning the skills I’ve worked hard to learn. Secondly, if I see you staring anywhere close to the proximity of my skirt, you die.”

    I held my stomach as I turned around, enjoying the best laugh I’ve had in ages. And I did not doubt for a second whether she was serious about her words. As I’ve said before, this girl can do anything…anything she wants.

    And ten minutes later, I heard her smug voice, “You can turn around now.” She was seated in the driver’s seat and before I had a chance to say anything, my Ford whizzed by in a flash. “Hey!” I yelled, running after my car. Damn, this girl was really testing me to my limits. I didn’t know whether to feel pissed or amused as I stood in the streets looking like a fool. I felt my blood pressure rising as I kicked the grass furiously. This was getting a bit out of hand now….she had been gone for a good ten minutes. Just when I thought my lungs were going to tear apart, I saw the good reliable Ford pulling up in front of me.

    “Need a ride, mister?” she asked, her hair blowing freely in the wind. Now that I got a chance to have a better look at her, I couldn’t help but notice how sexy she looked at that moment. There were tints of grease smeared on the edges of her collar and a black smudge on her lower chin that I desperately wanted to rub off, but I knew this wasn’t the appropriate time or place.

    “Oh quit grumbling and just get in,” she soothed. I felt my anger dissipating by the second…this girl sure had her ways. But I couldn’t resist teasing her, especially after all I’ve been through.

    Just when she was going to turn on the engine, I grabbed her hand to stop her and said firmly, “You wanted a ride home, and I’m going to be the one giving it to you. I keep my promises.”

    She gave me a look as if to ask whether I was really being serious, but eventually switched seats with me, muttering under her breath. I could still feel the smooth touch of her skin as I drove us away, further and further away from the street I detested.

    After a few minutes, she mentioned casually, “You know, Kaito mentioned that you were the housekeeper’s son who was renting a temporary room.”

    If she wanted to see rage, anger, or embarrassment when she looked up at me, she sure wasn’t getting it. Instead, I laughed, louder than I had in a while. The kid was becoming more and more like his mother, almost choking in his own arrogant vomit. She really trained him well. She studied my expression, not with surprise, but with thoughtfulness. Keeping my eyes on the road, I asked her, “Well, who do you believe?”

    Raising her finger to her chin, she contemplated, “I think both of you are lying. You say that you’re his older brother, yet you enjoy to see him suffer, to see him break down. He labels you as a housekeeper’s son, yet he desperately wants you to simply accept him, to stop giving him such a hard time. Does it really have to come to this?”

    “And you think you have it all figured out?” I asked her quietly.

    “No,” she replied. “But I do know that you’re putting on a front, due to whatever reason. Why do you feel the need to try so hard?”

    Closing my eyes, I wondered how in the hell I got myself into this…trap. Switching the topic, I gazed over to her direction and gave her an inquisitive look, “You seem to know a lot about how Kaito thinks and feels.”

    When she didn’t answer, I further probed, “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he is pursuing you.”

    This time, I recognized her lack of a response as a silent acknowledgement of the truth. More sourly than I intended, I suggested wanly, “Why not give him a chance? He would be good for you.”

    “Hey, where are you going?” she suddenly interrupted, pointing to her street that I just missed.

    Frowning, I was about to turn the car around for a U-turn when something inside of me urged me to do otherwise. Despite her cries, I stepped on the gas and drove us in the opposite direction.

    “What in the world are you doing?” she demanded, staring at me with a mixture of shock and anger. “What makes you think you know who or what is best for me anyway?” she snapped, crossing her arms.

    “Relax, I’m just going to take us somewhere quiet,” I murmured as we drove in silence. “My parents will be worried about me,” she urged, still unsettled, although I could see curiosity in her eyes.

    “Here,” I said, thrusting my cell phone at her. “Tell them you’re working late on the project.”

    “Are you teaching me to lie to my parents?” she questioned, raising her eyebrows. “Oh, don’t tell me you haven’t done it before,” I snorted. “Actually I try not to,” she shot back, but dialed a number and spoke in Korean. I don’t know if she followed my advice or not, but she stopped complaining about the detour until we got there.

    A soft smile tugged on her lips as she got out and straightened her skirt. “This is so beautiful,” she whispered, leaning over the drop bridge to gaze down below at the still blue-green waters, reflecting a lit-up city under the dim light of the darkening skies. “I’ve never been to a place quite like this before.”

    “In fact,” she added. “I never had a chance to really look around Vancouver much.”

    “Haven’t you been here for over a year now?” I asked.

    “Yeah, but I’ve been busy with school, the dry cleaning store, and taking care of Mina,” she explained, with a hint of pride in her voice. “Mina, my sister, that is,” she said with a smile. Closing my eyes for a second, I thought back to the past, before I came to Canada, when I wished to have a baby brother to take care of. But as they say, be careful of what you wish for. Would I ever look at the kid with the same nurturing gaze Yun was wearing now? Highly unlikely.

    All this time with Yun, I had completely forgotten about my pained left chin. I still needed to buy some painkillers for it, but somehow I had managed for so long. If only it wasn’t burning so much.

    “Why are you in so much pain?” she asked softly, gazing at my scrunched up face.

    “It’s nothing,” I said, trying to maintain a cool composure. “Is it your chin?” she asked, her eyes round with concern.

    “No, it’s nothing,” I said, brushing it off.

    “Stop trying to be so strong,” she scolded as she raised her hand to my chin and rubbed it gently. At first, I winced, but after a while, her circular movements helped ease away the pain. “Where did you learn that?” I asked in surprise.

    “My dad used to be a traditional doctor in Korea before we came here. He taught me some tricks,” she explained, as she continued her movements.

    “What about fixing cars then?” I asked.

    “Well, we have no boys in the family, something my mom always regretted. I wanted to prove to her that I am enough, I can handle any role that she needs me to do.” With a whimsical look on her face, she added, “Although she was so angry after she found out I learned how to fix cars. Described it as un-ladylike. But secretly, I think my dad was pleased.”

    I chuckled at her lighthearted story, enjoying the sound of her clear voice more and more. She seemed to sense that I was tired, and continued to talk, “That’s why I need to do well, excel, and make my family proud. And I know I can do it, because nothing is impossible.” With a light chuckle, she added, “Can you believe that my name used to be Kim Yun-Bi? But I changed it, because there are some things you need to sacrifice to prevail, and I need to mold into society. Eunice was too compromising and Yun-Bi was too resistant. Yun does the trick pretty well, don’t you think?”

    She stopped rubbing for a second and looked into my eyes, “So why are you in so much pain?”

    “Oh, Tucker, the other mover, was—“

    “No,” she said, cutting me off. “You tell a lot of jokes, your face is always nonchalant, as if you have no care in the world, but you carry so much resentment, so much pain with you.”

    I froze at her words, not knowing what to say. At that moment, she seemed to understand, despite my silence. I don’t know how much pain was exposed in my eyes that second, but based on the heart-wrenching anguish in my heart, I doubt it could be much better.

    “There are…scores I need to settle,” I finally managed to grunt.

    “Scores?” she exclaimed with disapproval. “Scores with your own family? Your own flesh and blood?” Staring up in the sky, she said freely, “There is nothing more important in the world than family. I believe that family members are lost heavenly stars reunited on Earth.”

    “Maybe not everyone’s had a loving family, believe it or not,” I said bitterly, staring into the barren ground, pulling out random weeds.

    “Not everything’s been smooth for me either,” she argued in defense. “My parents often fail to understand what I need, writing it off as a waste of time. Do you think it’s easy to hold so much responsibility on my shoulders? But I use my love for my family to last, because without it, I wouldn’t have the courage to face each day, knowing it has to be 100%, not any less. And even so, my father, he even threw away the art collection that I had dumped my heart and soul into for years, all because of his narrow-minded hatred for Japanese—“

    She stopped as she looked at me, realizing she spoke too much. So her parents were racist, no wonder they didn’t like her reading manga, forget about writing it. “But I didn’t hate him,” she continued. “I tried to see issues from his point of view, because family is about tolerance, acceptance, and sacrifice.”

    “The old bas—“ I stopped in mid-sentence. I knew she was going to disapprove of what I was going to say, so I shut my mouth and tried again, “He only cares about himself..in the past, now, and in the future. He will never change.”

    “Even if that is the case, what is anger going to do? If you want to break away from it, you have to forgive yourself first…or else you’ll never release yourself from pain.”

    “Easier said than done.”

    “Look at me Ichiro,” she urged. “I mean it,” she said in a semi-threatening tone. Who could say no to that?

    There was hardly anyone here now, only the two of us standing above the bridge. “Look below, past the waters into the highway,” she instructed. I gazed down, to the busy flickering lights as cars sped fast each other, the neon lights melding into one.

    “If your father fell from here this instant, and you had the power of saving him, but after that, you could no longer save anyone else—your wife, your kids, yourself…” her voice soothed melodically, a dire contrast from the impact of her words. “Close your eyes, think about how you would feel….what would you do?”

    It sounded like such a silly exercise, but if she spent the effort to think it up, I suppose I should at least attempt it. I closed my eyes and as much as I didn’t want to, willed myself to imagine his face. I could feel the same fury and anger overcoming my body, so strong it almost paralyzed me. Instead, I saw my mother’s face, her screaming face as she plunged down one of Tokyo’s tallest skyscrapers. I had never been there when her suicide occurred, and I didn’t find out until I was 18 years old, but somehow I could see as clear as daylight almost every single night after I discovered the tape in the old bastard’s study. I tried and tried, but I couldn’t let go, it had been too long, and it was too late. I grabbed my head in pain as I slid down by the side of the bridge and let out a hiss.

    “I didn’t expect it to work the first time,” she said quietly. “But I really do believe that one day, you will be able to look down there, and sincerely want to save him.”

    I lifted my head to look up at her face, illuminated by the moonlight. Her skin was so pale, so white, her eyebrows so fine, and her eyes so genuine. The black smudge from my car was still on her left chin, and this time I couldn’t hold myself back. “You have a smudge here,” I said in a low voice, reaching out to touch it gingerly.

    I saw her body stiffen at my touch, as she froze in her spot, gazing at me with a helpless expression on her face, her doe-shaped eyes making her look more vulnerable and appealing than I could ever think was possible.

    Before I realized what I was doing, I leaned forward and cupped her chin in her hands as I pressed my lips against hers. She didn’t seem to respond at first, but I slowly felt her body sag under the pressure of my chest as she kissed back softly. I felt a sensational soothing, something I rarely experienced with any other woman. There had been passionate explosions, teasing smacks, but never had anyone been able to reach anywhere close to where my pain laid.

    But before I was able to savor the heavenly taste of her lips any further, she pulled away and clasped her hands over her mouth as tears started to well up in her eyes. She looked at me painfully and uttered in a choked sob, “I can’t do this! I can’t, it’s so wrong, I just can’t!”

    It pained me again to see her so torn, but now she was just a fragile doll and I was afraid my touch was going to break her. I opened my mouth to say something about going too fast, but judging from her expression, it was something much deeper, much more troubling that was bothering her.

    “Yun, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking—“ I began to say, but she cut me off.

    “Please don’t say anymore,” she whispered in a ghastly tone. She now looked like she was in a lot of pain as she looked up at me, “I’m sorry, but nothing can ever happen between us.”

    If I was going to let her go, I wasn’t going to do it without a good explanation. Grabbing hold of her shoulders, I pressed for answers, “Why? Give me a valid reason. Why did you kiss back if you didn’t feel anything for me?”

    “Ichiro, please let me go,” she said, turning away from my intense gaze as tears slid down her face. “Please don’t force me to choose between you and my family because you know what my answer will be

    So this was what it was all about. I let go of her, as she hastily got up and rubbed her eyes, trying to regain her usual composure again. We were both silent in the car as I drove her back to her house. She made me stop a street before hers. We both sat in the stark silence until she finally spoke up. “I’m sorry Ichiro—“ she began.

    “I don’t want to hear that,” I cut her off, lighting up a cigarette in the dark. “Stop smoking, it’s not good for you,” she urged, frowning at the cigarette. I contemplated on ignoring her, but my heart couldn’t do it. I sighed loudly as I crushed the stub.

    “Listen to me, Ichiro,” she continued, her voice very emotional. “Although many guys have done favors for me in the past and present, it always brings a smile to my face when I remember what you did for me…on a day when I thought was one of my darkest. I don’t regret meeting you, but I just wish we could’ve met during a different time, and under different circumstances.”

    Wiping away her tears, she tugged at my arm, forcing me to look at her. “I’m serious, Ichiro, I want you to remember what I said about the bridge.”

    I still refused to look at her, worried about what I might do if I did. I finally heard her voice shake, “And I want you to forget me and I can’t see you again, ever. You won’t ever see me again either.”

    With that, I heard the car door slam and footsteps trailing off. I lifted my head to see the back of her slim figure walk away, further and further from my vision until she was a mere dot, merging into the night.

    With a sudden twist of the car keys, I started up the engine that she fixed this afternoon, and drove off into the familiar highway roads again. Funny that I thought they weren’t as lonely a year ago around this time, because they now seemed more barren and desolate than ever.






















    Chapter 4

    I’m not sure what it was, my manly pride or that deep down, I knew it was for the best, but I didn’t bother Yun again for the next couple of weeks. So what did I do? Nothing more than hang out until I got dead drunk with my buddies, come home reeking of alcohol, sometimes with a girl, sometimes without. I pissed off the old witch more than often, to the point where the scowl on her face was deepening her wrinkles every time she caught sight of me. Even the kid’s tolerance was wearing thin, I could tell. I wish I could say that all this made me feel better, but in fact, I was slowly starting to get bored of it all. Partying never appealed to me on a mass scale, but it seemed more dry than ever, and I felt that life was more pointless than I had ever felt in a very long time.

    I was just getting ready to leave for work on Thursday afternoon in my usual attire when I passed the old witch in the hallway. Smirking and throwing her a cocky glance, I strolled down until she suddenly did something that made the hairs of my skin perk up. It was almost as if she was possessed or something, because she suddenly grabbed my arm and ordered in a shrill tone, “Come with me to the study now.”

    “What the hell is wrong with you?” I asked indignantly, throwing off her hand without much effort. She never touched me, no matter how much I pissed her off. Most of the time, she probably thought I was dirty. So what is up with this ‘motherly’ gesture now? What in the world is she trying to cook?

    When she tried to grab my arm again, my patience started to wear off as I warned, “I am going to work and there is nothing more to it. If you touch me again, don’t say I didn’t—“

    Before I could finish my sentence, the expression on her face changed once more, to almost a snigger as she walked towards the study behind us and said the haunting words, “If you want to hear your mother’s last words, you might as well follow me.”

    My blood ran cold as I turned sharply and gave her a look to show that I meant business. However, she didn’t budge, but instead just walked inside and sat on the chair behind the wooden desk. I knew I should’ve left. Not only was my job on the line, but I never, NEVER listened to requests from the old witch.

    But something inside me, some force that even I couldn’t identify, pulled my feet off the floor, prompting them to walk inside the study and sit opposite to her. The old witch bluffed a lot, mostly to my father to get what she wanted. She bluffed a lot to Kaito, to push him to be better than the kids of her friends so she could brag all she wanted. But this time, she was indeed, not bluffing. Living with a pretentious ***** like her, I learned to read people, and she began to read like the back of my hand.

    Now, there was a smug look of victory on her face as she walked behind me to close the door shut. Kaito and the old bastard weren’t home, why the hell did she do that? Breathing the same air of space as her was…suffocating, to the point where I just wanted to bolt and run.

    With a faraway look on her face, she lowered her hands into the drawer and pulled out a box. Reaching for a small blue metal key in the pocket of her blouse, she opened the box slowly. When she turned to face me, there was a mixture of bitterness and contempt as she threw the faded piece of paper in my face. “I’ve dealt with you long enough, more than a normal human being has. All because of her, all because of her..”

    Her words started to tune out as the words on the paper started to burn through my mind, acidify everything I thought I believed in, the pain seeping deeper and deeper. Crumbling the paper in my fist, I glared at her with fire dancing in my eyes, yet I had now words to say to my stepmother. No words at all.

    But she had plenty, she had finally captured the stage from me, kicked me where it hurt the most, and she was certainly going to make use of it. Playing with the golden band around her finger, she said cynically, “I still remember that day like yesterday…the day I wanted to crawl into a hole. It was all over for her, wasn’t it? That’s exactly the message she wanted to send to me…to Yoshi. If she claimed to love him, why did she want to hurt him so badly?”

    I wanted to plug my ears, to drown out her voice, but she kept on going, kept on tearing apart my wounds. Her whiny voice continued to rail on, spilling words I knew were true, yet didn’t want to face, “She hated Yoshi ever since he divorced her…resented him, loathed him. She wanted him to remember her forever, and you were the perfect tool. Because every time you spoke to us, you carried her words—her resentment, her hatred.”

    Slowly, I shut my eyes and drifted back to many many years back, arriving in the airport, deaf to the language spoken, clueless about the unfamiliar faces around me, and utterly lost in my new surroundings. My new father, and stepmother, and baby brother, a family. Yet all through my childhood, I was surrounded by coldness. And now it finally made sense.

    It was still hard for me to breathe in, to understand that my own mother, the comforting woman who occasionally gave me a hug when I was cold, could write such words. Then I felt an emotion I hadn’t felt in the last five years since I learned about my mother’s death—sadness. I had been too involved in my anger to truly grieve for her death. And I certainly had no chance as a child. The officials had taken me away from school the day she died, and until I was eighteen years old, I had been told that she was killed in a car accident. From the moment I set foot in Canada, not a single word was uttered about my mother. Somehow, I realized as a young child that I was not to mention her, again.

    The looks of distaste, the way he turned his head sharply when I tried to give him a second glance, the way she stare at me with disgust at times finally started to piece together. Because in the letter, my mother damned them to remember her forever—through my face. By making her death public, she attracted media, who were interested in the dramatic scandals associated with my father and his new wife, whose father was the Japanese ambassador in Canada at the time. From that point on, every time they looked at my face, they would be reminded of the scandal, the public outcry, and my mother’s curse upon them, fresh as yesterday. They could never forget, not with me around. And to think—all of this planned by my own mother, the woman who put me to bed each night and sang me lullabies.

    Who was I to hate? Who was I to place my blame towards? Who is the guilty one? My mother who had to hide her pain each time she smiled at me, while her heart was shattering at the thought of the husband who deserted her for a younger Japanese woman with prominent connections? My father who lived his entire life haunted by guilt? My stepmother who had brought great shame to herself and family by marrying for love?

    The fire still burned inside me, almost enough to engulf my soul, as I could not extinguish the hatred I had carried for five entire years, and the hidden burdens buried from even further back. Smelling her Chanel perfume, staring down at her designer clothes, and looking into her make-up caked face, I couldn’t help but feel anger towards her once again. She deserved it, every bit of it. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to even call her the ‘old witch’ anymore, because I suddenly no longer wanted to be in this room, no longer wanted anything to do with her, even if it meant no longer hating her. And him, I didn’t even want to think about him. My lungs tightened, and I felt the cold, wispy air running up and down my throat, making it hard to breathe. I just wanted out…

    Her next words seemed to answer my silent prayer. I had tuned out from her long ago, but when I finally snapped back, there was a document in front of her. “You can start by signing this. Then you can finally leave us for once and all.”

    Start signing what? Grabbing the paper, I read it through, my blood running cold again. I almost laughed, but denied her the right of seeing my shocked expression. I had gotten used to this as a child. Stifling my laughter when she sent me a demeaning look and although I rarely practiced it in the past five years, I suddenly felt her menacing control over me again. Because this was the chance, the chance to free myself, yet I felt the same forbidden emotion again…sadness.

    I turned to look at her, really look at her and saw the wheels in her brain turning as she calculated her next move, knowing I wouldn’t sign it. She knew it was only a matter of seconds before I stormed out, devising my own way of making her life hell again. She narrowed her eyes, trying to counter my next moves. She really thought this was a chess game…and she wanted to be the master of all strategies.

    But I was tired. I was worn down. I was emotionally beaten. And I was…sad. A huge chunk of my pride was stolen each time I admitted this, but I was indeed…sad. I no longer wanted to play her game anymore, and I no longer wanted anything to do with this excuse for a family. And I finally realized that I no longer wished for retribution for my mother’s death.

    In a movement, that made her almost fall out of her chair, I grabbed the pen and signed the document. When I looked up, I finally saw something humane, something I never expected to see in that woman’s eyes. There was surprise, there was shock, there was confusion, but most of all, there was apologetic guilt. But it was too late. If I saw that as a child missing affection, I might’ve jumped into her arms that moment. But the scars had cut too deep and now they had iced up again.

    Before she could fully react, I was already out the door. On the public transit to work, I smiled for the first time in a long while, ever since that day with Yun. I felt…..free, as if a burden had been lifted off. I knew exactly what the implications of the document annulling my father-son relationship were, but they mattered very little to me. Material things were the least of my worries now. If there was one thing I appreciated over the last five years of hell, they were my detachment from the materialism and extravagant lifestyle they chose to live in. Because I knew that for the next chapter of my life, I was not going to see them for a long time.

    That night, when they were all sleeping, I gathered the few possessions I had and drove off in my old Ford. I bunked temporarily at a coworker’s apartment, until I could find my own. I left most of the things in their mansion, even though I was going to have to work very hard to earn money for furniture and appliances. The next months were going to be tough, but I felt pieces of my soul slowly starting to return to me the further I got away from the mansion, the jail that had trapped me for seventeen years. And now I was free to fly.

    I returned to the bridge that night, and gazed into the moonlight’s reflection for a long time. I thought about many things, but one common theme kept making its way back to my mind again and again. Yun.

    Picking up a black pen and white piece of paper from my bag, I sat down and poured myself into the sketch. When I was done, I gazed at the image, and slowly, the shadow of her face floated on top of my sketch, merging with the petals of the black rose.

    The next morning at work before heading off to the next home, I found an envelope with the company’s address and in the recipient’s address location, I wrote the street, city province, and postal code that I had memorized by heart. And despite Yun’s rejection, I hoped that they would make their way to her heart, if I had ever occupied a place in it. I couldn’t make sense of my life, my family, yet somehow I was clear that if there was something I couldn’t let go of, it was this young lady who had walked into my life.

    I would be lying if I said that the pain stopped there, because it didn’t. The same haunting voice was more persistent in my dreams now, even though I had already heard her story. More and more memories of my childhood forced themselves into my head, at times blinding me with pain. But I learned to numb myself with work, through music, through any means possible. I visited the bridge often, subconsciously hoping to see Yun standing by one day. I continued to send the same drawing to her every single day for the next two months. I didn’t get a response, but somehow I liked knowing that I was communicating with her, somehow. I didn’t bother her again. Perhaps I wanted to believe that she would come to me with time.

    During the day, I continued to work with the moving company. I picked extra shifts, and the work was turning out to be more and more exhaustive. I got hurt more often than. But the physical pain was good, it numbed the emotional pain that I didn’t want to feel. I also picked up a new career…sketching portraits. It began one day when I was drawing for Yun, and a young blonde girl pulled her mother over to gawk at her drawing. Her mother, annoyed at the young girl’s wails, offered me twenty dollars to buy the drawing. Of course, I told her that this one wasn’t for sale, but the stubborn little girl wailed and screamed, unwilling to leave. At a loss of what to do and trying not to create a scene, the mother finally pleaded that she would pay any amount to buy the image. A bit annoyed that my peace was disrupted as well, I partially submitted to their requests. I seated the little girl on the lawn and drew her portrait. I didn’t ask for a fee, but the mother insisted, gushing about how I had this calming effect on her daughter like no one ever had. Before I could finish my own drawing, more people flocked over, assuming that I was a street portrait artist. Since I was short on cash, I figured why not, and drew all their portraits for them. Soon, word got out, and more people came. So I set up particular hours, and the regulars knew when I came. But families that randomly strolled near the bridge were always surprised to see me and asked for family portraits. And in a long time, I felt myself softening up again and the same yearning for the type of families I always watched on television.

    So I got rid of the day situation, but I soon developed insomnia, to the point where I had to take multiple sleeping pills. Finally I gave up and figured, why not make some extra cash instead of feeling miserable? Through some connections with my buddies, I began to work as a hopper for some clubs downtown. Sure, there were some shootings rumored around the issue, and the scuffles with knives were common. But that just meant higher pay and I didn’t give a rat’s ***. In fact, to be honest, I think I often yearned for death, fantasizing for escapism, over and over. I soon became nocturnal, and the haunting voice was not able to enter my mind again. I knew subconsciously that I was destroying my health, but at this point, I was in so deep that I could care less.

    I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if I had kept it up, as I started to get injured more and more often at work due to the lack of sleep. Everyone started to get worried about me, except myself. I was finally living the life I wanted, the independence was so sweet, so very bittersweet.

    And then it changed the next afternoon, when I found a package of letters in my locker. With trembling fingers, I immediately noticed what they were. Rushing to the mailing desk, I was told that a young lady had dropped these off for me and left without a message. I dashed outside, but it was too late..she had left. I knew what she wanted to say, even without saying them. I didn’t really know if I was going to reach her heart or not when I drew everyday, but it became such a routine part of my life. And her action just proved to me that I no longer had this…even drawing.

    For the longest time after I got home, I left the envelopes unopened, even though the flaps had already been unsealed by Yun. Finally I worked up the courage that night. Lighting a cigarette in my car, I opened the first one..and the second one…and all of them. With all my drawings laid out in front of me, I stared at the seventy-one black roses…and the seventy-one Yuns stared back at me. I was about to throw them out, when my eyes suddenly blinked hotly, as my hand whipped by to grab the rose nearest to me. No, it couldn’t be…A smile crept up my face as I drove furiously, as fast as the gasoline could carry me to Yun’s house.

    Crouching under Yun’s window, I picked up a small pebble and hit it softly against her window. There was a light inside, she must be inside studying. It was already 3 a.m. and her light was the only one on. I heard footsteps and when she opened the blinds, I pressed my face as close to the window as possible. My heart swelled at the sight of her face again, and more than anything, I wanted to hold her in my arms. She brought her hands to cover her mouth as she disappeared from the window. A minute later, she was dressed in a winter parka and in front of me.

    Grabbing my arm roughly, she pulled me away from her house. She hissed in a loud whisper, “What in the world are you doing here at this hour?”

    I really had to restrain myself from touching her face, her arms, anything and everything Yun. Instead, I just asked softly, “Why did you change the roses?”

    The moment her face froze, I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. I wanted to hug her, to yell in victory, but I stopped myself again, because I needed to know, because my life depended on it. I repeated again, more forcefully this time, “Don’t deny it. The roses you returned to me were not my original drawings. They were very good duplicates, but you missed many small details, ones that most amateurs would not have seen.”

    “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” she denied furiously, turning her face away from me. Finally, I could no longer resist it any longer as I shook her shoulders and demanded hoarsely, “If you don’t care for me, why did you go through all that trouble? If you really don’t care, then I challenge you..to return my originals, right here, right now to me. If you do, I will never bother you again.”

    I had no guarantee that she would or wouldn’t. I knew I was gambling, but there was something about the way she was shaking in my grasp that gave me the confidence to spew out the words that I just did. Her eyes were wet with tears now as she wept softly. I fingered her chin, turning it softly to face me. God, she was so beautiful under the light of the street lamp, so amazingly innocent and beautiful. Yet there was this strength about her that no other girl could ever replace. “Listen to me, Yun,” I murmured. “Don’t think about anything, we don’t have to make this work forever, if we just trust our feelings now—“

    By now, she had focused her large eyes towards my face and gasped loudly. “What have you done to yourself?” she asked with concern, as she gingerly touched the fresh cuts on my neck. “Why are you not taking care of yourself?” she scolded, as she brushed her fingers against my unshaven goatee. Then in an action that surprised me, she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me in for a close hug. When I wrapped my arms around her, I felt a warmth…a warmth that I had not felt ever since that night by the bridge. “You’re hurting me Ichiro,” I heard her whimper. “I can’t bear to see you like this. Just forget about me, okay?”

    Before I could respond, she broke free from my arms, and jogged back inside the house. I waited outside, half expecting her to come out with my original drawings, but she never did. The lights soon dimmed in her house, and I knew it was time for me to leave. As I drove down that same road that night, I didn’t know whether to be relieved that she didn’t completely reject me, or feel even colder now that her warmth had left me.

    For the next few days, I still didn’t know what to do, so I did what I knew best—drawing roses. I mailed them to her again, but this time for the return address, I wrote down the address of the bridge where I drew portraits. I was tired, and I decided to take a leap of faith. This continued for another day, and another one, and yet another one.

    On the tenth day, when I was just about to give up hope and call it a night, after drawing five portraits, a lone shadow emerged from behind the willow tree. I couldn’t do anything but stare as I sat frozen to my chair..watching the person I’ve been waiting for appear in front of my eyes. Was it really a dream?

    “Could you draw me?” she asked sullenly, seating herself under the willow tree. And I drew her, each stroke coming directly from my heart. When she came closer to evaluate the final product, her eyes shone brightly.

    “Thanks,” she smiled, taking the portrait. “I don’t have a twenty. Can I pay you some other way?” she asked, her eyes teasing me. “Any way you like,” I smiled back, lost in her expression. Leaning forward, she grabbed my neck and pressed her lips against mine, this time in a more forceful manner. As I deepened the kiss, I could feel the pain evaporating again, further and further away until I could only taste her, and only her.

    When we finally gasped for air, she laughed, admitting shyly, “I wanted to do that in a long time.” I didn’t admit it, but my thoughts echoed hers. But I’m sure she could read me like an open book.

    That night, we talked for hours, cuddled, kissed, making up for the lost time. We talked about everything, her dreams, my inspirations, everything but our future together. We both knew that entering this relationship, there were no promises. We were only going to go as far as we could go, however far and long our fates carried us. In life, there was no forever and I was well aware of this. But as her head laid peacefully against my stomach, her long hair tickling my skin, I looked up at the sky and prayed that this moment would never end, that I would never lose her. As I stroked her hair, I wondered how what I was going to do if I lost her. That was a thought that was too painful for me at this moment, and I slowly washed it away.

    She convinced me to quit the night job, and under her presence, I managed to cut back on smoking and start seeing a physiotherapist for my wounds, covered under the company insurance. She desperately wanted me to quit the moving job and enter an arts program, but I refused. She let it go, because we both knew that she was heading for dangerous waters, and instead, we just focused on us. It was her final year of high school and being the brilliant person she was, applied to Harvard, Yale, Columbia, as well as the University of British Columbia, University of Toronto, plus other Canadian universities. But I knew she was intent on getting into Harvard, and with her perfect GPA, devoted extracurriculars, and perfect SAT, I failed to see how she would not get in. But I still tried desperately to find an academic blemish on her, giving myself hope that she wouldn’t leave me, into a world I detested, a world I loathed. But each time I kissed her, I felt her touch, I held her in my arms, I knew she was perfect…perfect in every single way.

    As her exams approached, our time together became less and less. I often knocked by her window at night, but she urged me to stop, in the event her parents would wake up one night. We almost had a false alarm when her little sister woke up one night, but Yun managed to coax Mina back to sleep. Ever once in a while, she would crash at my place after school and take power naps on my bed while I drew her or anything that came to mind. She truly was my inspiration. And other times, she would lug all her books with her and study while I slept after a day of tiring work. We took turns massaging each other’s backs, and for a moment, I felt like we were some married young couple. But there always came the time when she had to go home, and I had to go back to reality. The more doses of Yun I got, the less willing I was to let go. As I drove her back that night, sleeping peacefully in the passenger car, I didn’t have the heart to wake her up. I knew I eventually had to, or else her parents were going to be worried. It was 6 p.m. and they had to eat dinner. But I wanted to steal five extra minutes from my angel. I brushed my lips delicately against her forehead, brining her body closer to mine.

    “Oh my gosh, are we here already?” Yun said with a yawn, as she started to stir from her short nap in my car. “Stop holding me so tight, you’re suffocating me!” she giggled, breaking free from my grasp. I watched as she crossed walked to the next street, and towards the next on the way home. “It’s only because I don’t want to lose you,” I said to no one in particular, lighting a cigarette with guilt, knowing that Yun wouldn’t approve. But lately, I’ve been feeling more torn every time she left me, somehow a sign that our time together was almost up. Her graduation was in less than a month, then the summer, and…I don’t know what will happen next, what it will mean for us.










































    Chapter 5

    The next couple of weeks seemed to fly by without a trace. Yun was like a drug that I couldn’t get enough of, and I looked forward to her presence each day. Yet somehow, we seemed to be trapped in a world where there was only us. Each time I left the bridge, left my apartment room, left the car, left the last location we had privacy to…I was hit with the cold splash of reality again.

    We often talked and she would tell me the same… of how she would enter school, only to wonder if she was really in the right place, right alongside the other high school girls chatting about their weekend escapees to the mall or the latest football game. It all seemed so distant to us, almost as if we were locked in a time lapse during each of our times together.

    But time was running out as her prom was in less than a week. And two weeks after, she would be on the plane to Boston, for the summer accelerative program. Basically gone.

    There was a time when I cared about such issues. But the night I discovered the truth changed everything. Changed the way I looked at the world, changed what I wanted out of life. After I made the decision to skip all my finals, the acceptance letter that I had been anticipating so anxiously from MIT became worthless. And so was my life, according to everyone around me. Suddenly, I changed overnight from most promising future engineer to high school drop out. But I saw it as rebirth, as freedom, as rebellion from the views that had locked my soul. And nothing else mattered then. But now, it did matter. It mattered to the person who mattered the most. Yun.

    It was two days before her prom and she was sitting cross-legged on my bed, flipping through Times magazine. School had ended for her, and she was enjoying the time off from studying. She was chirpier than usual, and I teased her more than usual. We both tried to deny that everything around was whirling ahead at lightning speed, in a desperate attempt to freeze time.

    Letting out a large sigh, she finally closed the magazine and collapsed herself on my bed. I smiled to myself, knowing that I would sniff my pillow after she was gone, still able to smell the refreshing lavender of her shampoo, still able to feel her presence long after she was no longer in the room. “Ichiro,” she murmured, her eyes still closed. “I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to.”

    Rolling my eyes, I smacked her on the head playfully, “Why would I care? You’ll be out of my sight for a while.”

    “Ichiro,” she said again, this time a bit agitated. “How long are we going to keep this up?”

    My throat tightened at the hidden implications behind her words. I knew we had to have this talk sooner or later, but I had been hoping it would be later rather than sooner. I was looking forward to a night of just stretching, relaxing, and ruffling her hair. But no, we come to this.

    When I didn’t answer, she went on, refusing to change the topic, “You know that I can’t help it. I didn’t want to be nominated. And I certainly wouldn’t have agreed to go with him if I wasn’t forced.” There was an awkward silent gap, which she tried to fill by soothing, “You’re the only person I really want to go to prom with.”

    “And what’s stopping you?” I couldn’t help but blurt out sarcastically. Him referred to the kid, Kaito Yamasaki. Somehow, out of some random bad stroke of luck, the two of them ended up as the hottest candidates for Prom Queen and King. Don’t forget to let me gag, while I pretend that I’m fine with my girlfriend going to some high school dance with my estranged brother. Geez, can we write a soap opera script already?

    Turning sharply towards me, she said in a challenging tone, “Would you go? If I asked you right now?”

    I wouldn’t, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that she was ashamed of me.
    And reading my mind, she raised her eyebrow and said with a scoff, “You think I’m ashamed of you? Would you admit to your friends that you’re dating a girl from high school? Would you?”

    I turned away, knowing that the guys at work would never let me see the end of it if I did come clean about Yun. And she knew it well. But to be honest, those weren’t our true issues, far from it. She was starting off soft, and what I truly didn’t want to deal with the stuff after this. The stupid squabbles and about age and a pretentious social image was only the tip of the iceberg.

    “Ichiro, look at me,” she said in a frustrated voice. “Tell me what’s on your mind. What are you thinking?”

    “Yun, for god’s sakes, do you want me to cry and sob my heart out for you right now? Geez, give me a break.” I didn’t mean to snap at her, but I’ve had a rough day at work and I really didn’t want to do this right now.

    Giving me a shove, she cried, “Why are you being like this today?” I turned around to see her angry expression. At first, I became more agitated, but the more I looked at the way her eyebrows slanted in that expression, I couldn’t help but let out a snicker.

    Not the right move. Yun socked me in the arm, letting out a frustrated scream, “Argh, I’m not joking with you right now!” The corners of my mouth curved up as I reached down and started to tickle her. Yelping, she tried to dodge me as she grabbed my pillow, attempting to use it as a shield. But she was no match for me, and before I knew it, she was in my arms, begging for mercy. Laughing, I held her close, ignoring the playful punches she kept throwing me. Suddenly, staring into her eyes, I couldn’t resist but throwing my head into her neck, showering her with kisses up and down her neckline.

    “Ichiro, not there,” she said quickly, pulling back with a jerk. “You left marks there last time and I had to wear a turtleneck for two whole days.”

    Letting out a frustrated grunt, I ran my hands through my hair. “Why do I feel like we’re having an affair? That we’re cheating on someone here?” I commented dryly, about to stand up.

    But Yun pulled me back on the bed again, and wrapped her arms possessively across my chest. Snuggling her head to a comfortable position under my arms, she finally asked in a frank tone, “How do you think I feel about lying to my parents? How do you think I feel every night at dinner, answering their questions about how I’ve studied so much that afternoon at the library.”

    “It’s not like you weren’t studying,” I muttered. It was the truth, during school, she was dead serious, and hardly wasted time at my place. I was content just to be in her presence, but of course, I wasn’t going to tell her that.

    “Ichiro, you know what I’m talking about,” she snapped. “You don’t even understand how hard it is for me. I’ve never lied to my parents throughout my life, and ever since I’m with you, I’ve had to lie to them—every single day. Sometimes I think about Appa’s reaction if he found about you, and it sends chills down my spine each time.”

    “Well maybe he shouldn’t be so prejudiced in the first place,” I muttered again under my breath. I usually wasn’t one about fighting for equality and all, and I knew her parents were really traditional. But honest to God, her dad just seemed plain out racist. I knew she was super protective of her parents and I usually didn’t want to get into pointless quarrels over it, but the way she revered about him was really starting to piss me off.

    Sitting up, she shot me a look and said defensively, “You don’t understand what he went through. He—“

    “Honestly Yun, cut out with the ‘You don’t understand’, will you?” I growled.

    “How am I supposed to paint a pretty picture for you when you simply don’t and can’t get it through your thick head?” she lashed out, her eyes flashing. “He saw something that he never should’ve seen as a child, and it scarred him forever. So he’s not so open-minded, but he’s a kind person, and he works so hard, so hard to make a better life for us. He may not be perfect, but he’s my Appa and I hate what I’m doing, betraying him. He doesn’t expect me to marry rich, he doesn’t expect me to marry a genius. He just wants me to marry into a good, Korean family, and lead a happy life. All he ever wanted was the best for me.”

    “Look Yun, no one’s stopping you from having all that,” I said sarcastically.

    She was really mad now, I could tell by the way her body stiffened up, but she recovered quickly and shot back, “So what if my views are idealistic? At least I’m honest with you. I bare my soul, Ichiro, I tell you everything. I don’t try to hide myself behind a fake mask.”

    I was about to retort back when she held her hand up to stop me. Carrying on in a raised voice, she lashed out, “Look at what you’re doing with your life. Everytime I bring it up, you always change the topic. You have so much intelligence, yet you’re wasting it, letting your brains rot while you could be doing bigger and better things. I understand that you initially wanted to get back at your father, but is it really worth it? You told me that you were out of his control when you left home, but are you really? It looks to me as if he still has an iron grasp on you, more so than ever. Just to prove to him that you’re better than him, you ride this high horse, looking down upon what you used to be.”

    I had never heard her speak with so much passion, so much anger. My blood ran cold at her words, but I knew she was wrong, so dead wrong. She knew nothing about what I went through in the past few years, nothing about what I’ve seen. And Yun was just taking a short breath, she was certainly not done. Continuing, she chided, “Not all rich people are greedy bastards you know. How long have you been living on your own for? Not even six months? Do you know how long my family has lived in near-poverty? For my entire childhood and up until now, my parents can’t afford some of the most basic luxuries that my classmates can. Do you know how it feels to see something you want, so much that your heart is almost pulled out towards its direction? But because you can’t afford it, you can only stand back, and wait, and wait, until other people are done with it, until they have no use for it? But instead of hating them, I made myself stronger. Hatred isn’t the way to solve problems. What you hate is the heartless way your father led your mother to her death, the coldness he sprinkled through your childhood, and the hypocrite he is—not his money, not his status, and certainly not the value of a high education.”

    I knew that if I spoke now, my voice would be cold, juxtaposing hers, hot with passion. But her words had no effect on me, no effect on my views. I spoke anyway, because I couldn’t bear her to turn the same way, to be led into the same world, “Each person believes their dreams, believes their vision before they enter the tunnel. They believe in themselves, they know they won’t change. Yet once they see all the jewels, more glitter and glamour than they could’ve ever imagined, they can’t turn back anymore. And then the wall to the entrance closes, trapping themselves in greed and lust for the rest of their lives. My family isn’t the only example. I too, yearned for wealth, ever since I arrived in Canada. But material wealth isn’t the only type of wealth. Perhaps you slept under a leaky roof while I could stare off into rooms and rooms of a massive mansion. But if I could have the smallest fraction of the wealth of affection that your parents showered you with, the wealth that was so foreign to me, I could say the same things.”

    Touching my arm, she shook her head and said softly, “But you’re afraid of trying, afraid of what will become of you. Because deep down, you don’t even trust yourself. You feel so safe, leading a life that you are so sure will never turn you into a man your father was. But life is about taking risks, about letting go of your insecurities. You definitely have the brains, so why waste them? Why perform labour when you could go back to school? I know your pride will hurt, but it’s never too late to turn things around.”

    With a hollow laugh, I stared into her eyes and asked dryly, “Then why are you going to Harvard for pre-med? Why not listen to your heart and go to Paris to study art? Why hide your talent? Is that why you keep “The Black Rose Chronicles” hidden in your closet, surrounded by science textbooks? Why am I the only person who has seen your work, enough to make me jealous? Ironic isn’t it…when I am the one selling my art to make money.”

    She sat back stunned by my words, opening her mouth to speak many times, but closing them again. She was an honest girl, and that was one of the things I loved the most about her. She wouldn’t say anything unless it was truly from her heart. At least to me. I wish I could say the same, but I would be lying. But I couldn’t bring myself to face the issues that had given me insomnia, torn my soul, and brought me to the realms of hell that I no longer had courage to face.

    And again, she read me like an open book. I expected more angry thoughts from her, but instead, her round eyes shined with hope as she reached for my hands and asked with anticipation, “Ichiro, are you willing to try? To let go?”

    My heart grew heavy as I could feel her weight pulling me down, to somewhere I couldn’t bear to stay for long. If I had met her even a year ago, I would’ve gladly agreed. But now, I couldn’t…just couldn’t.

    Her next words pushed me to the limit, as she leaned closer and whispered in my ears, “For me?”

    Why was she doing this? Why was she forcing me to choose between her and my freedom? I could have lied and said yes. Heck, I could have just nodded my head. Perhaps I could have even just hugged her back in silence.

    But I could not bear to lie to her any longer. She deserved better, and it really was time to let go…of Yun. Turning away so she couldn’t see my face, I managed to say in a cold voice, “Yun, don’t ask me to do something I can’t. Besides, we’re just playing now, aren’t we? Once you get to Harvard, you can find your great Korean husband, and play your role as the perfect daughter. I’m not stopping you now, don’t let me crush your dreams.”

    I knew I had gone too far when there were angry tears streaking down her face, tears she tried to rub away furiously with the palms of her hand. She had no idea that behind the cold look on my face, I wanted to reach out and hug her, wipe away her tears. But somehow I sat frozen to my spot, unable to move. It ached me to see her in pain, yet I couldn’t take it away without being a leeway for further pain.

    “Ichiro Yamasaki,” she said bitterly in a shaky voice. “I really wish I never met you. I wish I tore up every single one of your letters. I wish I had never gone to the bridge that night.”

    Every sentence was killing me, but I refused to change the hardened look on my face. Her eyes were a mess now, and she no longer bothered to wipe away the tears streaming down her face. She looked like a broken doll, a doll that I broke, a perfect crystal that I had tainted. I didn’t deserve her, and I certainly didn’t deserve to ruin her.

    Gathering her things, she continued with agony, “But most of all, I wish I didn’t smile each time I touched my lips after you first kissed me. I wish I didn’t long to smell the scent of your aftershave when I lie on my own pillow. I wish I wouldn’t feel my heart ache each time I saw you injured, hurt, lost.” Pressing her fingers on her chest, she finally said through tears, “And it hurts so much, right here—right now.” Her last words left me numb as she choked, “I never want to see you again, Ichiro Yamasaki.”

    I felt the corners of my eyes start to moisten a bit, but I swallowed it back, and stared at the ceiling. I counted slowly, forcing myself to ignore the fact that she was getting up, walking out with her bag, opening the door, closing the door, click. Ten minutes later, the fact that she had also walked out of my life finally sunk in.
    Last edited by 999roses; 01-18-08 at 12:55 AM.

  4. #4
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    CHAPTER 6 (Warning: Mature content)


    I took the next two days off as sick days and drank myself silly, locked in my apartment. I didn’t know what I would have done if I went out in public, so I just fed myself more and more alcohol, anything to ease the pain, drown the images in my head, the sounds echoing in my brain.

    Soon, everything began to blend together and I could no longer tell what time it was anymore. Yun seemed to be everywhere around me during those two days, scolding me not to drink, not to smoke. But by the time I put the glass down, she was gone…just like that day. I just couldn’t get her out of my mind. Damn, she appeared everywhere: by the kitchen, resting on my bed, sitting at my desk. She wouldn’t leave, no matter how much alcohol I consumed.

    Groggily, I grabbed my head, trying to shake off the pounding noise. Where was it coming from? This time, it didn’t seem internal. Suddenly, the pounding stopped for a while and I went back to my drunken slumber, falling off the couch and landing on the hard floor. I could care less.

    Wait a second, what was that clicking noise? Someone was in the apartment, I was sure. But no one had the key…except….No, it couldn’t be her. Who was I kidding? Tonight was her prom night, why in the world would she be here?

    I tried to get up, but I couldn’t carry my own weight without falling down. Suddenly, my eyes snapped open, because another hand was on my arm, supporting me up. It was her. She was here. Yun. She came.

    Choking in disbelief, my eyes bulged at a tear-stained Yun, whose dark eye make-up ran down the sides of her face, whose long hair was tangled in a wet mess, yet still managed to look ridiculously gorgeous in a T-shirt and tight-fitting jeans. But I didn’t have time to react because she dropped the apartment key that I had given her and shook my shoulders hard, yelling, “What have you done to yourself? God, I can’t even breathe in here, your place reeks of alcohol.”

    Touching her cheek, I croaked, “Why are you here? Isn’t it your prom night?”

    Ignoring me, she rested me against the couch and went into the kitchen. Soon, I heard the water running and before I could run thoughts clearly in my head, she came back with a wet towel. Rubbing it on my head, she glanced around the room filled with empty beer bottles and asked upsettingly, “Was it because I left? You just hurt me so much, and I was so angry. Oh Ichiro, I really can’t bear to see you like this.”

    Suddenly, I glanced at the clock above and saw that it was 12:45 a.m. My heart beat shot up as I grabbed her and brought her close to me, still shaken. In an attempt to mask the fear that I was swallowing down rapidly in my throat, I hissed, “You came alone at this time? Do you know how dangerous it is around here? If anything happened to you….Oh God, I don’t know what I would’ve done.” Just the other week, a girl was reported raped the street down from mine. I couldn’t afford to live in a good neighbourhood, so I always made sure to personally pick up and drop off Yun every night we came to my place. I shut my eyes, feeling helpless that I led my girlfriend into such a dangerous situation, helpless that I couldn’t protect her. Helpless that somehow, she had made her way back to me, just so I could hurt her again.

    “I was so scared,” she admitted, wrapping her arms around me. “But I couldn’t enjoy the night—all I could think about was you. I told myself I would never see you again, but somehow I found myself running faster and faster to be here.”

    Sinking her face into my back, I could feel her tears moisten my T-shirt as she confessed, “I lied to my parents again. I told them I was staying over at a friend’s house.”

    Pushing back to examine her face more closely, I exclaimed, “You did all this for me?”

    She nodded with a half smile. I was about to speak when a sudden wave of nausea stirred inside me. I immediately pushed Yun as far away from me as possible, but she didn’t move fast enough. Before I could control what was happening, vomit spewed out of my mouth and all over her T-shirt. I could see her trying not to puke herself as she stared down in horror. I wanted to sink in a hole and die right then. Only I could screw up a moment like this in the worst way possible.

    I finally unfroze out of my position, and ran to the washroom to get a towel. It slightly helped, but it was evident that she needed to take a shower…immediately. “Yun, I’m so sorry, I—“ I stuttered.

    Closing her eyes, she let out a long sigh, “You owe me big time, Ichiro, and I mean BIG time.”

    I ducked my head, trying to hide my embarrassment. I rummaged through my drawers, trying to find her some clean clothes to change into. I had forgotten to do the laundry for a week and the drawers were practically empty. The only thing I could find were an oversized T-shirt and boxers.

    Her mouth opened wide at my findings, but she closed it again and slammed the door to the washroom. Soon, I heard the water running. I was still pretty drunk and struggled to get around without crashing into something. Racking my head, I tried to think about what to do about this situation. I was in no condition to drive, and I certainly couldn’t send her home after she lied to her parents. That meant she had to spend the night…here…tonight.

    I desperately washed my face with cold water to awaken myself, but I really had way too much to drink. I was so tired. Maybe if I rested on the bed for a bit, it would help a bit.

    Suddenly the water stopped and in a few minutes, I heard the door creep open. Yun stood in front of me, twitching uncomfortably in my T-shirt and boxers. Although she kept her head down, I could notice the tips of her ears blushing furiously. The room suddenly felt so hot, and I felt my entire body burn at the thought of closing the proximity between our bodies. Shaking my head in another attempt to snap out of it, I tried to roll off my bed. Somehow that failed miserably and she reached out to grab me. The moment I made contact with her, I didn’t want to let go. Staring at her smooth skin didn’t help either. All her make-up had washed off, and she was standing in front of me…so pure, so angelic, so amazingly beautiful.

    “Yun,” I murmured with need, as I cupped her face with my hands and kissed her deeply. She seemed initially stunned by my actions, but her body slowly relaxed as she returned the kiss. Her lips had never tasted so sweet, so exhilarating. “Hmm,” I moaned as I rested her against the bed and sucked softly into her neck. Bending my knees to a less awkward position on the bed, I plunged my head deeper into her neck as my hands tugged furiously at the neckline of her T-shirt. The more I had of her, the more I wanted. In an impulsive move, I slid my hands under her T-shirt and unclasped her bra. Her T-shirt was off in a second and I wanted her so badly that moment….like I’ve never wanted anything in my entire life. The whole time, she didn’t say anything but respond to my kisses, letting out soft moans.

    When I sank my teeth into her bare shoulders, my body shifted upwards and now my chest was pressed tightly against her tender breasts. Her nails sank into my wrist, as she questioned in a rushed voice, “Do you have protection?” It was then I stopped dead in the middle of my lust and looked into her eyes. We had been going so fast and I was still stuck in a half-dream state. But the moment she spoke, I suddenly got hit with a huge dosage of reality. This was really happening. I was really lying here, half naked with my shirt tossed somewhere half way across the room, my heart and body swelling like I was about to burst.

    I had condoms in the drawer to the left of the bed. Not that I had any use for them after I started my relationship with Yun. But they were still stuffed there, and I could have easily gotten one out. It would’ve taken less than a minute and we could’ve continued what we were doing so heatedly.

    But I knew there was no way I could continue. Not after I had felt her heartbeat…the rapid beats echoing in my head, the trembles her body was sending me. And certainly not after I stared into her large eyes urging me to go on, trying to mask her evident fear.

    It took a lot for me to stop, but I bit my bottom lip hard until I could almost taste blood. Letting out an aggravated grunt, I sat up and started to wrap the blanket over her body. Just as I was about to hand her the T-shirt again, which had been tossed aside roughly and was hanging dangerously on the edge of the bed, she grabbed my hand and whispered, “Ichiro, I…..I want you to continue.”

    Don’t tempt me Yun. Please don’t. I am a man and I won’t be able to do the right thing if you keep saying those tempting words to me. If you continue to stare at me like that, I won’t be able to control myself any longer.

    This was wrong. I could not take something so precious from her at a raw moment like this. I knew she was willing, or else I wouldn’t have progressed as far as I did, even in my drunkenness. But when I listened to her heartbeat, when our bodies touched like that, I knew she wasn’t ready. She thought she was, but in fact, she wasn’t. And this wasn’t how I pictured our first time to be. With anyone else, it was casual sex but with Yun..heck, with Yun, everything was just different.

    “Yun,” I soothed gently, pulling the T-shirt over her head again. By now, she was sobbing. I pulled her close to me and hugged her tightly. “You’re not ready, it’s okay. I’m sorry I rushed you.”

    “I’m sorry,” she blubbered, her body still shaking. “I wasn’t thinking clearly, but when I came tonight, I knew that something like this might happen.” Throwing her head into my chest, she confessed, “I never want to forget you. That’s partially why I came tonight—I don’t think there’s anyone else I want to give my first time to…but after I’m gone, I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again.”

    Her words struck me hard, so hard I wanted to gasp for air to breathe. I desperately wanted to be touched by them, to say them back over and over. I wonder what I had done to deserve her. I sighed with regret as I thought about how I wish I could say the same, but couldn’t. Suddenly, I felt this wrenching guilt as images of the numerous women I had slept with rushed into my mind. Yun might have suspected, but she was so innocent that she probably had no idea I had so much experience.

    Instead, I just cradled her in my arms, humming a Japanese tune that my mother used to sing to me. She slowly stopped shaking and followed my rhythm. After a while, she peeked from her position under my chest again and stared at me shyly. We had fooled around before, mostly with her escaping and punching me mockingly, but tonight…tonight was different.

    Did I still want her? Badly. Was she incredibly sexy this moment in my T-shirt and boxers? Unimaginably so, to the point where I couldn’t even take my eyes off her, not if my life depended on it. But could I manage to control myself tonight? I suppose. For her sake.

    Letting out a sigh, I tucked her in and kissed her forehead. I was about to leave for the couch when she grabbed my hand. Confused, I stared at her, but she just grinned. “Payback time for throwing up on me,” she said cheekily. Before I knew what was happening, she pushed me onto the bed and rested her body diagonally on top of mine. “Now much better, a human mattress,” she said with a light laugh.

    “Oof,” I groaned, trying to shift my weight. “You’re so heavy,” I teased, trying to tickle her back. “No tickling,” she instructed between giggles. “You started it, your hair is tickling me,” I whined childishly, something I haven’t done in a long time. But did it ever feel good at this moment. Her eyes were closed, and she didn’t answer for a while. Smiling, I traced her sleeping features with my finger, hoping to preserve this image in my mind. Despite her weight on me, I wanted this moment to last forever…”If only I could carry your weight forever,” I whispered in her ears, before drifting to sleep.

    The first thing I felt the next morning as I squinted my eyes in the sunlight was a splitting headache. But strangely, I didn’t feel the same pounding pain in my chest that I had woken up to for the past two days. Shaking my head, I tried to make sense of what had happened. “Yun,” I murmured, as the previous night’s events flashed in my mind. But where was she? I scanned the bed area, but she was nowhere to be found. Panicked, I threw off the covers and ran towards the front door. Could she have left already? Where could she go? She didn’t even have any clothes—Suddenly, I stopped in the middle of my thoughts. There she was, sleeping soundly on the couch wrapped clumsily in a thin blue blanket. I clasped my hands to my mouth as I shook my head in disbelief. She had been pretending last night…she didn’t fall asleep! She pretended so I could have the bed. And here she was, squeezed on a couch and almost freezing to death. Running over in a heartbeat, I wrapped my arms around her protectively and kissed her forehead furiously, “Why were you so stupid, silly?”

    “Hmm,” she murmured, her lips curving up as she snuggled her head against my chest. “Yun, I love you so much,” I said, ignoring the fact that I was saying words I always labeled as being cheesy and ways to get a girl in bed. “What am I supposed to wear?” she scolded, rubbing her eyes. “You ruined my shirt and jeans—how am I supposed to go out?”

    “Don’t go out, stay with me,” I grinned. Rolling her eyes, she delivered a punch and ordered in a commanding voice, “Go get them cleaned!”

    I couldn’t resist teasing, “But you look so damn cute in my T-shirt and boxers. I think we should make it a rule for you to always wear this outfit in the future.”

    “If there is one,” she said quietly, examining her hands as if they were the most interesting things in the world.

    I felt the cheeky smile on my face disappearing as the implications of her words sunk in. We didn’t say much during breakfast and I left promptly to get her clothes cleaned so she could go home in the afternoon before her parents found out. As I waited absently in the basement of the apartment building I lived in for her clothes to dry, her words came floating back in my mind. I knew I had to let her go, and even if I wasn’t, she would fly away regardless. She was filled with dreams, with aspirations, with life and with spirit.
    Our love was an enigma I still haven’t figured out…why we had so much passion, so much need for each other, when we clearly belonged in different worlds.

    With a heavy heart, I walked back upstairs and gasped in surprise when I noticed that all the beer bottles and ashtrays had been cleared away. My apartment had never been this orderly since I moved in.

    Yun mumbled thanks as she grabbed her clothes from my hands and closed the bathroom door behind her. Still a bit shocked, I sat on the couch, glancing around at the unfamiliarly clean and neat arrangement around me…arrangements that reminded me of Yun.

    She came out again, and sat down beside me. We didn’t say anything for a while, as she rested her head against my shoulder. Finally, she said softly, “I don’t want you to smoke again. I mean it this time, you have to promise me. And I don’t want you drinking either.”

    Without you in my life, I’m not sure if I can really promise that. But I nodded, because I knew she genuinely cared about me. And it really wasn’t the right time to burden her. Stroking her hair, I asked the question that had been itching at the back of my throat the entire morning, “When’s your flight?”

    She didn’t speak for a long time and as the clock ticked away, I thought she was never going to answer me. But then again, did I really want to know the answer?

    “Friday morning at ten,” she finally replied, closing her eyes. Friday…seven days. Again, we didn’t say much as I drove her home. I was used to the drill now. Instead of dropping her off at her house, I would stop two streets ahead so she could get off and walk home.

    Suddenly, I didn’t want her to go, didn’t want her to open the car seat and walk out of my life again. Because this time, she was really going to leave. But she stayed put and opened her mouth to speak. I looked at her expectantly, and she shut it again. I had so many things to say to her, yet somehow I couldn’t work up the nerve to say them. Just as I was about to speak, she turned to look at me and said quietly, “My family wanted to do some things for me before I leave, so the next week will be pretty busy. And they’ll be at the airport to see me off on Friday morning.”

    I felt a small chuckle erupt from my throat. I knew the implications of her words. She didn’t have to spell it out for me. Basically, I was going to be forever a secret part of her life.

    “Ichiro,” she said, this time her voice strained. “I don’t want to make this difficult. I always hated goodbyes, and I think we should just pretend that I’m not leaving next week, that we may see each other again soon. I have a lot to say to you, but I think some things are best left unsaid. It’s for the best.”

    Before I had a chance to react, she opened the car door and ran out. I called out her name urgently, but she pretended not to hear me. My car door was open in a split second and my foot already contacted the pavement. But something in my heart stopped me, stopped me from running after her like a madman. My throat dried up as I watched her run further and further away from me. There was nothing more I wanted to do at this moment than run after her and capture her in my arms, never letting go.

    It’s strange how fast time passes, and it’s strange how slowly it drags…all in one week. There were many things to keep me occupied, but all my thoughts floated back to the central point. Yun.

    I knew I had to eventually forget her, but on Thursday night, as I rested against the wall, unable to battle insomnia, I felt a strange familiar sensation rush through my body. A feeling that I thought had escaped my body since five years ago. The desire to fight, an aim for a goal, and my target was Yun.

    I had spent 23 years of my treading through meaningless relationships and leading an empty life. And here I was, about to throw away the only one amazing person who was able to turn everything around for me. Yun loved me, I knew she did. So why were we being slaves to whatever reasons we cooked for not being together? With that thought, my mind still disoriented, I drove in the night, in the empty highway to the Vancouver Central Airport.

    It was only 5 a.m. and it would be at least a couple of hours before she would be here. But I sat on one of the lone seats, staring at the clock as more and more passengers got ready to leave for their flights. My lips curved into a small smile as I saw the many kisses, hugs, tears, and laughter ringing filling the environment surrounding me. As an outsider, it was a theater, everyone strutting on the stage of life. But unfortunately, I was to become one of the players very very soon.

    I felt her presence even before I heard her voice. I had seen her family before, but this was the first time I saw them in such a formal light. And did they look proud, her dad’s arms draped around her shoulders and her mother’s tight squeeze of her hand. And of course, young Mina, who was tugging stubbornly on the hems of Yun’s skirt.

    They were all speaking in Korean, but I knew they were instructing her to take care of herself. It was another stage, Yun’s stage, and I never felt so much like an outsider in my entire life. I could see her mother tearing up and even her father was dabbing his eyes quickly, trying to pretend that there was something in his eye. Mina picked up her younger sister in her arms and ran her hands along Mina’s braids, whispering something into her ear. The little girl seemed to brighten at her words and smacked her a kiss, which caused her to break into a brilliant smile.

    I was jealous, so jealous. Their scene was something I had seen millions of time in movies, yet this was real life, and something so foreign to me. I couldn’t help but wonder what my life would’ve been like if my stage had resembled hers.

    And now Yun was ushering them away, putting up a strong front again. With reluctance, they finally left, each parent holding onto one of Mina’s hands. Suddenly, I felt reluctant, when my moment came. Was I doing the right thing? What was I really doing here? Yun had spelled it out so clearly that day. I was just about to make up my mind to leave when something gave me hope. Instead of heading to the area where fellow passengers were checking in, Yun stayed put, her eyes scanning the area furiously. Her family was long gone. A bit more to the left…two glances north..and our eyes met. Gasping in surprise, she dropped her bags on the floor.

    This was my cue, and I wasn’t about to mess it up this time. In a minute, she was in my arms again. It seemed so surreal, and yet she had never felt so real. Stroking back her hair, I closed in on her mouth, madly kissing her as if my heart was about to burst. When we broke off, we both panted for air, Yun a bit more embarrassedly so, glancing around at some of the people around giving us curious glances. But for the most part, everyone else was too involved in their own worlds to care about our stage.

    “Yun, I’m tired of being silent,” I said boldly, knowing this was my last chance to speak up. “It’s evident that we love each other, and believe me, it’s not a word I personally like to make essays on. But it’s true, and we have to face the facts.”

    I paused for a second, glancing at her pained face. I hugged her close and said fiercely, “Look, I know this is hard for you, and I don’t need you to make a decision right now and right here. I just want you to know that I’ll be waiting for you, no matter how long. We could end it here, and I could let you go, but I don’t want to do something I’m going to regret. If you still remember that night half a year ago, I told you to forget about everything. Right now, I’m asking the same thing. I don’t know if we have a future together, and I’m not asking you to marry me, to have my kids. Who knows what’s even going to happen tomorrow, nonetheless the future? I just want you to live one day at a time, and if I can be a part of that, I am willing to do anything, wait however long.”

    By the end of my speech, the pained look in her eyes had softened and she seemed a bit dumbfounded. Taking the opportunity, I gave her another tight hug, knowing it would be long before I would see her.

    When we broke apart, she reached into her backpack and pulled out a slip of paper. She scribbled madly for a few seconds, before inserting the folded piece of paper in my hands. When I started to open it, she rested her hand on top of mine to stop me. Shaking her hand, she instructed, “Later. After I leave.”

    They made the last call for her flight. This was it, she had to go. Bending on her toes, she reached up and kissed her lightly on the lips, leaving me with a last taste of her strawberry lip balm. And then she was gone.

    I stood in the same position for a long time, five minutes after she had long disappeared. Hesitantly, I unfolded the slip. A smile slowly crept through my face, as I fingered her cursive writing detailing her address. I flipped to the back, and my heart soared. It was only one word, but with that one word, there was hope.

    “Okay.”

    Okay that she will try, okay that she was willing to step outside boundaries that were close and dear to her heart, okay that she wanted to give us a chance, regardless of what happened in the future.

    As I drove on the highways that morning, I saw a plane soar above my head, up, up and ahead. Perhaps Yun was waving at me from the sky, perhaps she had long drifted further from my view. But I glanced away. Yun was soaring, wherever she was, and as painful as it was, I needed to give her room to fly to reach her dreams. If we were meant to be, no matter the distance, we would find our way back to each other again.

  5. #5
    Senior Member remember_Cedric's Avatar
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    Now you have a post

    I'll catch up on some reading and give my comment.

    Keep up with those postings!
    What can I say? I'm still standing! No weapon against me shall prosper! I am more than a conqueror!!!

    I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?

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    CHAPTER 8

    It took me a couple of seconds to react to the blow before getting up and grabbing Kaito by the collar. In the back of my mind, I could partially understand why he was acting out of character, but by now, I was acting on impulse.

    He had gotten stronger, much stronger in the past two years, but still not match for me. Wiping off the blood on my lip and ignoring Yun’s futile attempts to try and separate us, I exchanged another punch with him until he was now sprawled on the floor as well.

    “You want more?” I snarled, as I held his head in a locked position, while he squirmed madly in my grasp, trying to punch me again while wildly yelling incoherent phrases, “How could you? I’m going to kill you!”

    Shaking my head, I wondered again how I got myself into this situation, of all possible things.

    Yun was now frantically running around us, demanding persistently, “Please stop! Kaito, what has gotten into you? This really isn’t a good time—“

    I don’t know what he was on, but I couldn’t hold him like this forever. “Yun,” I said with gritted teeth. “Pass me a T-shirt.”

    “What are you going to do?” she asked a bit suspiciously, reluctant to follow my orders.

    “Yun, I’m serious,” I insisted with a grunt as I felt Kaito elbow me again.

    She really looked like she didn’t want to, but ran back into the bedroom and came out with my T-shirt from the night before. Somehow this seemed to set off Kaito even more as he finally broke out of my grasp. He tried to charge after me again but I managed to slip on the T-shirt in a second and tackled him down again. Breathing down on neck, I said firmly, “I’m not continuing this charade in front of Yun. If you want to rough something out with me, take it outside.”

    He seemed to have cooled down a bit, and got up slowly, cracking his knuckles as he headed for the door. I was about to follow his suit until I felt Yun’s hand grab my wrist.

    “Ichiro, I don’t know what’s going on, but you are not going out there to fight with him.”

    Closing my eyes, I let out a sigh as I patted her hand, “Yun, just let me handle this. I need to settle this on my own.”

    Her eyebrows knitted in frustration as she was about to speak up again, this time to Kaito. But I cut her off and shook my head as I glanced at the daggers he was throwing me. Closing the door behind us, we walked alongside each other through the stairwells and down the stairs. There was an unbelievably thick air of tension, enough to make me want to jump him that moment and I could tell by the way his fists were clenched that he felt the same way. But we held it in, until we reached the parking lot outside.

    Whirling around, he grabbed my collar and pushed me against the wall as he snarled, “Do you think Yun is another one of your *****s that you can play with?”

    I had been expecting words of jealousy or something of that nature, but this set off a fire in my chest that I thought had extinguished long ago...the same fire that had torched when I learned about my mother’s death. My jaw curved to the right as I leaned back and threw a punch that sent him flying all the way backwards. The moment I heard the thump, I knew I had overreacted. He was out cold for a few minutes, to the point where he was lying dead still. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was suddenly filled with a sick feeling in my gut, the one I usually got when I was worried about Yun.

    Slowly making my way over, I was just about to feel for his pulse when his eyes fluttered open. He tried to punch me again, but it was evident that he had gotten the wind knocked out of him. Still staring at me with a murderous vengeance, he began to cough violently, huffing in short breaths.

    And what happened next surprised me more than it shocked Kaito. Supporting him in an upright position, I placed my palm on his back and pushed forwards a couple of times. When we were very young, he would always come running to me and complain about his asthma. And somehow, we managed to figure out that this trick always helped smooth his breathing. It had been almost fifteen years since I had helped him in this capacity, and as two grown men who had just been involved in a bawl, there was nothing more out of place. But he didn’t resist, and I knew it did help, as it always did in the past.

    After I was done, he turned around and for the first time in the past hour, I looked into his eyes. I had expected anger and rage, but they were present, but once I looked a bit deeper, his hurt and pain began to resonate back. Kaito opened his mouth to speak rasply, “Why you? Why of all people in the world, she had to choose you?”

    When I didn’t answer, he closed his eyes as he uttered bitterly, “It’s like you were sent in my life with a mission to destroy everything—everything that ever had any meaning to me. And just when I think you may be out of my life, you come back full force.”

    His words struck an uncomfortable chord with me. There was a time when we played together, when we shared our toys. As I got older, I began to surpass him in almost every aspect, and it brought great joy and pride during those years when I had been walking down the success pathway. And in all those years, I never knew he felt this way. But what really bothered me was his reaction to everything and the only explanation that I was unwilling to admit to—the fact that we both loved the same woman.

    Then he asked me a question that stopped my train of thoughts. Straightening the collar of his now stained polo shirt, he questioned in a deadly tone, “I’m only going to ask once. Are you playing her? Or do you really—love her?”

    Love. What a funny word. A word I used to mock at, a word I would throw around loosely. However, I could not deny my feelings for Yun, and judging by the way he tightly anticipated my answer, he didn’t care about revealing them either.

    But before I could speak, he suddenly cut in, “If you love her, then why are you still here? I don’t care about your past potential, the truth is that you’re nothing more than a street artist and mover for God’s sakes! Yun is studying to be a doctor, and she—she is in Harvard! Christ, I don’t know what is running in your head, but do you not see something wrong with this picture here?! When she told me that she had a boyfriend back home, I would never—never EVER in a million years guess that it would be you. Why? Because she’s a sensible girl, someone who thinks about her FUTURE. I don’t know what you injected into her head, but obviously she has lost it, and so have you. How are you going to support her? How are you going to make her proud when she’s walking down the streets with you? I can not believe this!”

    By now he was yelling and cursing while I just stood here a bit dumbfounded. Instead of feeling anger, I felt…vulnerable. It was certainly not a comfortable feeling for the hidden truths of our relationship to be fleshed out in such an ugly way. I opened my mouth to rebutt him, but somehow no words came out. I had been too irrational and surprised at the sight of him half an hour ago to be involved in such a scruffle. But now, after I had calmed down and felt my anger dissipating bit by bit, almost as if I had become the bystander in the whole incident.

    “Kaito, I love Ichiro, and I hope you’ll wish both of us well,” I suddenly heard a voice speak softly from the back. We both whirled around to face Yun, whose eyes were red.

    “Yun, what are you doing out here?” I hissed urgently, wanting to sink to the hole. Did she just hear everything we talked about? Not only could I not defend myself, but my girlfriend had to do it for me. Could I feel any smaller?

    “Yun,” Kaito croaked, staring at her with disbelief. “I—“

    “Kaito, please,” she pleaded, taking my hand into hers despite my initial reluctance. “I’m sorry I lied to you, but I hope you can understand.”

    Hurt registered in his eyes again as he stared back and forth between me and Yun. We were all silent and once again, I found myself speechless. It felt like a dream now—no, a nightmare. I closed my eyes again, and felt Yun’s hand tighten around mine.

    “He left,” Yun finally murmured in a very drained voice.

    I slowly opened them again, loosening my hand. “I need some time alone,” I muttered, as I got up to leave.

    “Ichiro,” she said sharply. “You’re leaving?”

    “I…need time to think things over,” I said clumsily, not wanting to look at her straight in the eyes.

    “You’re not going anywhere,” she insisted, pulling on my arm. Letting out a sigh, I let her lead me back to the apartment. Plopping myself on the sofa, I breathed into the pillow and finally asked the question that had been bugging me for the entire time, “Why didn’t you tell me that he was pursuing you?”

    “I didn’t want you to worry!” she said defensively, her voice rising. “You were so jealous last time about Thomas, and all he did was ask me to study with him. And I know how stubborn you are about your brother. Besides, I know where I stand and I don’t have anything to hide.”

    “Yun, that Thomas was hitting on you. I’m a guy, I can tell these things. I’m a million miles away, and I can’t protect you from these things,” I explained without much patience. She knew for so long and yet, didn’t even utter a single word to me? How could she not say anything? Didn’t she know how betrayed I felt seeing Kaito at the door of her apartment?

    “Are you saying that you don’t trust me?” she exclaimed, her eyes round with accusation. “How could you say such a thing? After everything we’ve been through, how could you think this way?”

    Now her lip was trembling as she tugged at the sleeve of her sweater furiously, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. I sighed, feeling her pain in sync with my own as we sat uncomfortably in silence.

    She finally spoke up again, this time softly, but with a strong edge in her voice, “Sometimes I can’t understand you at all. Just when I make my way closer to your heart, you pull away from me. I don’t even know what I mean to you Ichiro—am I even important to you?”

    I wanted to speak up; I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and could not live without her. But the lump in my throat stopped me from doing so and I could only stare at her, reflecting the dark pools in my eyes.

    I thought she would be angry at my lack of words, but when I found the courage to look into her eyes, there was only tenderness and not resentment. She closed her eyes as she rested her head against my chest, whispering, “I never thought I would actually say this to you, but the last couple of days have been the best days of my life. I never would’ve thought I would—I would—give myself before marriage, but nothing has ever felt more right. I know you won’t completely understand, but this is a huge deal for me. Now, you can never desert me, do you hear me?”

    Well it worked because I slowly cracked a smile, as I pulled her closer to me. “Are you saying that you are mine forever?” I teased, tracing my finger along her lips.

    “Sure, if that means you’re not going to think crazy thoughts that involve leaving me alone,” she smiled slyly, pulling back slightly. That was enough for me as I enveloped her in my arms and tore off her sweater.

    Hours later, we still lay still on her bed, our backs turned to each other. I had lost track of the time and perhaps it was late afternoon or even early evening. Untimely for sex at this hour, but we both needed it then, more emotionally than physically. Her roommate was for sure coming tomorrow and who knows how long our separation would be after that.

    By the way Yun’s bare shoulders heaved up and down, I thought she was sleeping. But when I turned around to kiss her gently on the earlobe, I noticed that her eyes were wide open in contemplation.

    I needed another taste of Yun, as I nimbled tenderly against her neck—another dosage to reconfirm myself of what had been on my mind for the entire day.

    Taking a deep breath, I said ghastly, “Yun, when I get back, I’m going to look up for continuing education and—“

    Before I could finish my sentence, she gasped and sat up to face me with a shocked expression on her face. Her face turned momentarily red at her sudden movement and she quickly grabbed the blankets to cover herself. Clasping her hand over her mouth, she just stared at me with a mixture of confusion and excitement.

    Her response was enough to confirm that I was doing the right thing. More confidently, I said, “I will finish what I started many years ago, because I know it means a lot to you. And I will quit my job.”

    The smile on her face was now unconceivable as she just continued to stare at me speechlessly. But after a moment, guilt started to creep up in her expression as she swallowed hard before asking, “Have you thought carefully about this? I don’t want you to do this just because of me. Because this is your future.”

    “What’s a future without you? I know you won’t leave me just because of this, but I want to do this for you..for us…and for myself,” I answered, hoping that this was truly what I felt. I wasn’t sure at this moment, but all I knew was that I wanted the smile to continue glowing on Yun’s face…forever.

    “I don’t know what to say,” she said, her voice wavering a bit. Tears started flowing again and she wiped them away furiously, trying not to laugh and cry at the same time. “This seems so surreal. It’s just that—everytime we are together, I feel that we always return to each other because of our love. But it always leaves me wondering about life, about our future. And now—I’m so scared, but I just feel we’re so much closer to the illusion I always dreamed about, but never dared to dote on.” Kissing me softly on the lips, she whispered, “Thank you Ichiro.”

    I returned the kiss, running my hands down her back. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but somehow, we were going to make it work….somehow. Yun was right—I was forever bound …eternally locked to Yun.

  7. #7
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    CHAPTER 9

    I tapped my foot impatiently as I listened to the professor drabble on and on, until his face started to blur in my mind. Glancing out the window, I didn’t try very hard to stifle a yawn. I looked around me and saw many eager students eagerly writing down every word he was saying with great concentration and effort. I wanted to laugh, but I did stifle that in.

    Resting my head against the uncomfortable hard surface of the chair in the lecture hall, I tried to think back to why I was sitting here again. Let’s just say…things haven’t exactly panned out the way I thought they would. When I re-entered high school again after eight years, it just wasn’t quite what I expected. Everything had flown by like a warm breeze back then, as I managed to write equation after equation, solve problem after problem without much effort. But after many years of never hitting a single book, I soon realized that my mind had dulled and my interest in anything academic dimmed. And the fact that no university accepted marks from records that were more than five years ago meant I was truly given a fresh palette, one that I did not want to paint.

    I had no idea how hard it would be to re-integrate myself into a world that I had left such a long time ago. Sometimes all it takes is that one break in the rhythm and the entire dance falls apart, regardless of how well the entire piece was choreographed. Back then, I was riding a smooth wave, and if that tide had not knocked me over, I would have been sitting in MIT pursuing whatever ambitions I had. But after I fell, after I swam in the world of the sharks, I could not simply go back and expect to rise up the same tide that had long submerged many many years ago.

    After numerous coaxes and talks with Yun, I finally trudged along grudgingly and enrolled myself into a computer engineering program at a local university. Not a well known one, but one that could supposedly get me a job. A job, was that really what I was looking for the entire time I sat myself through this torture? Scoffing, I twisted my eraser in my hand. It seemed so ironic to me, to walk off from a job, to suffer through pointless lectures and textbooks, to find another job. Man, the ironies of life and facades that people put themselves through.

    I wish I could say I was doing a part of this for myself, but the truth was, every single class and every single hour of studying was for Yun. In the past year or so, I finally opened my eyes to see how much all of this meant to her. Sure, she said she didn’t care, but I knew that she cared, more than anything in the world. There would be awkward pauses when she introduced me to her roommates, to her friends. Not that my current status was something for her to be particularly proud of, but it was a compromise that we somehow managed to reach.

    But lately, I’ve been wondering more and more whether it really was worth it. Another month, I could handle. Another year, perhaps with Yun’s support, I could somehow make it. But another three and a half years? I scratched my head as I followed the large slew of first years exit the lecture hall. Thank god it was the end of the day or else I was seriously going to pop a vein or something.

    Deep down, I knew Yun was worth anything, but a small uncomforting thought still lay at the back of my mind, itching to frustrate my mind every time I wanted out…which was essentially almost every single day.

    My thoughts were interrupted when a middle aged European man in a suit blocked my way and reached out with his hand stretched out. In a deep voice, he bellowed, “Mr. Yamasaki, you have no idea how hard it was been to track you down.”

    Furrowing my eyebrows, I shifted my books to the other hand and shook his hand as I asked in confusion, “Have we met before?”

    “Ah, you no longer remember me,” he chuckled in a heart laugh, patting me hard on the back. I blinked, trying to recall where I had seen the guy before. Then it hit me. When I used to draw by the bridge, there was this jolly old European guy who would always pay me extra tips and joke about how he was going to make me rich one day.

    “Yes, yes, he remembers!” the man squealed in delight, giving me another hearty pat. With a twinkle in his eye, he laughed, “How could anyone forget me?”

    We chatted for a bit about the weather and politics until my curiosity finally got to me. Scratching my head, I blurted out, “So you said you were looking for me…”

    “Ah yes, I see that’s the question you’ve been wanting to ask this entire time!”

    Well yes, of course. I mean, did he want me to draw a picture for him or something? I suppose I could use some extra cash….tuition wasn’t exactly cheap.

    After we sat down on a bench, he cleared his throat and spoke with a serious glint in his eyes, “My dear, you look absolutely miserable! Nothing like the aspiring young artist I saw years ago. It’s as if his spirit went poof and disappeared!”

    Well, he was pretty much right. I had lost almost all my creativity after going back to school. I occasionally drew, but school was enough to kill most of my inspiration.

    Continuing, he stroked his beard and lamented, “What a waste for you. I can not believe you are pursuing the conventional path. Everything from your works suggests otherwise. Tell me, young man, what are you doing here?”

    What was I doing here? What a great question…one that I really couldn’t answer myself. He noticed that I was staring down and patted me on the back. “It’s never too late, never. The reason why I came today was to offer you a chance to turn things around. I’m opening an art gallery in Paris and I am looking for an apprentice—a protégé if you will. Although many people have displayed their undying interest, somehow your image was the first one that popped up in my mind. And I knew I had to track you down.”

    My head jolted up as I gazed up at him in surprise. Somehow this felt like a dream—a surreal dream that could not be a part of the daily routine that I was forcing myself to go through every day. “But why me?” I managed to croak. Not exactly the best thing to say at the moment given the opportunity. But somehow it was the only thing that escaped my lips.

    Tapping his fingers on his chin thoughtfully, he said contemplatively, “You have this—how do I say it—edge that no one else seems to capture. And that is precisely what I need for my new gallery. You seem to carry a lot of baggage, and it seems as if there is nowhere better to release it but in your art work.”

    Opening up a folder, he passed a couple of pictures and documents to me. “But I have to warn you that I can not hold this opportunity for very long. In fact, I will need you to leave by next Wednesday.”

    My eyes bulged out as I gasped, “Next Wednesday? That’s less than a week!”

    “Yes, Mr. Yamasaki, less than a week. That’s one thing you’ll have to get used to about me—my spontaneity. But it has been said that great art does not come without spontaneity, isn’t that right?”

    Mentally, I tried to calculate the dates in my mind. Furrowing my eyebrows, I asked, “How long will I be there for?”

    Letting out a hearty laughter, he rested his head against the bench and grinned, “You are a smart one. The contract is only for a year, but so far, all my protégés have stayed with me for at least five years. I do not train artists who do not have the potential to succeed.”

    I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. It had been so long since I had felt this type of excitement—the exhilaration of not knowing what would happen next. How I wanted to just grab the contract and sign it then. But the small rational voice resisted my urges and reminded me of what my current life, my current situation, and the final exams that I was to write in less than a month. Everything that I had endured, sacrificed, and suffered through to get to where I was heading would be gone if I dropped out right now. As I buried my head against my arms, I finally realized that losing everything was really a problem at this point. But there was a problem and she was Yun. Yun. And our future.

    “How about this, young man,” he suggested, observing my inner conflicts with amusement. “I will give you one day to give me a response. If I do not hear back from you, I will have no choice but to give the opportunity to someone else.”

    “I—I do want to take it. It’s just that, there’s so much in my life that—“ I tried to explain clumsily.

    “Well you have one day to sort it out. And I have confidence that you will make the right decision,” he chuckled. Just as quickly as he stepped in my life, he was gone.

    I groaned as I kicked around some twigs surrounding the bench. What was I going to do? After the incident, meeting Yun had been the only event that had stirred up any excitement in my life. The only thing that had encouraged me that life was in fact worth living…that I could look forward to tomorrow. But this time, I had felt that familiar taste of excitement—of a world that was left for me to explore.

    Yun and I both knew that we had clashing views over so many things, but somehow our love threaded us together after each argument, after each cold war. We always found warmth hearing the other’s voice…feeling the other’s touch. But I knew how important stability, image, and accomplishment were to her. In a sense, we didn’t choose to love each other…we were in fact trapped. We found each other giving up our own principles to keep the relationship floating above the faint line between reality and the illusionary world we both escaped to when making love.

    I knew she had sacrificed a lot for me—all the lying behind her parents’ backs, premarital sex, accepting my job, accepting all my emotional baggage. I wanted to love her unconditionally, to do everything and anything for her, I really did. But life was not a movie, and after I made promises each time, the screen did not immediately flicker to the next two years of successful endurance and a blossoming relationship. If I made a compromise to sacrifice my principles and beliefs to satisfy Yun, I was going to have to live through those painful moments, each and every single one of them. There was no commercial break, no rolling credits or spoiler to indicate that a happy ending was ahead. Even if I made a promise, there were none waiting for me—only the hopes that Yun would appreciate what I had done for her. And to be fair, that’s probably exactly how she felt each time she sacrificed a bit of herself for me. All the little deaths…how many could we endure before we kill our souls completely? How much more could I kill before I completely lost a sense of who I was?

    Closing my eyes, I thought to the future, to a future with Yun as I arrived home from work carrying a briefcase in hand. We would walk towards a house with a white picket fence as our children giggled, as I scooped one of them up and laughed. Yun would hold my arm tightly, resting her head against my shoulder.

    A sweet image….but one that filled me with contrasting emotions. A tug of war between giving myself up for the woman I loved…to unleashing my wildest dreams, ones that could set my spirits flying high.

    The conflict intensified as I walked back to my apartment, the entire time playing disjunct images in my mind over and over. Finally, I felt like my chest was going to rip out of my shirt. Without another moment’s hesitation, I picked up the phone and dialed Yun’s number.

    “Hello?” she answered groggily in a whisper. “Who is this?”

    “Yun, it’s me.”

    “Are you crazy?!” she exclaimed, her voice rising. “It’s 3 a.m.! I have a 9 a.m. class tomorrow morning! You’re lucky my roommate isn’t here or else she’ll have my head.”

    “Yun I need to talk to you. It’s really important.”

    “Are you sure this can’t wait until tomorrow? I’m really tired, Ichiro, honestly.”

    “No, it can’t,” I said firmly. Because after tomorrow, I would’ve already made the decision to leave for Paris.

    “Fine, what is it? Is everything alright?” she asked, concern creeping into her voice. “You’re not in any sort of trouble, are you?”

    “Well, it’s a strange story. But this man approached me today with a special proposition.” And then I proceeded to tell her the entire story while she listened without uttering a word on the other line. After I was done, I waited for a response, but all I got was silence on the other line. This was really starting to bug me. “Well are you going to say anything?” I asked with a sigh.

    “Ichiro, what do you want me to say?” she answered in an incredulous tone. “I can not believe you would even consider such a scam. THIS is what kept you up all night thinking?” she asked with a snort.

    I felt my chest tighten at her condescending words, and breathed in and out so I wouldn’t snap back at her. She was really starting to develop characteristics that I had mocked….features that I swore to never associate myself with. If I had any doubts before, they had all vanished. My lips curled up as I replied tightly, “You know what? Perhaps it is a scam. Perhaps I am a fool. In fact, I’ve probably been a fool to you for a very long time. But at this point, anything is better than returning to classes where I would rather dig my head into a trench.”

    “Ichiro, are you still beating yourself up about MIT?” she asked in a soft and sympathetic tone. “It’s been so long—“

    Cutting her off angrily, I shot back, “My GOD, Yun, is that all you think of me? Is this all I’m worth? A value of a brand name school acceptance letter? You know, I was so sure that going to an Ivy League school would never taint you, because you were always better than that. But I see that no one can fail to get self-absorbed into their own ego and you certainly aren’t an exception.”

    “Self-absorbed?” she cried in disbelief. “I’ve been trying to be patient, understanding, but you know what Ichiro? Maybe when you actually stop feeling sorry for yourself, when you actually realize that not everyone in the world owes you something, and when you finally come to the bright conclusion that wanting to achieve success is not a shameful thing? Maybe THEN, you can actually stop wallowing in self-pity and actually stand up like a man to face all the obstacles in life. You think my road was so smooth? If I stopped to cry along the road each time, would I be sitting here right now?”

    “Oh, just let it out, let it all out!” I mocked, my voice shaking with rage. “Is this what you’ve kept bottled up all these years? Let more out, come on, I’m a big enough man to hear it, despite what you think. Let me hear about how much shame I put you through, what a huge embarrassment I am to you!”

    “Ichiro Yamasaki,” she uttered, her voice shaking as well. “I can not believe how pathetic you are right now. Do you seriously think I am so shallow?”

    I let out a dry laugh and scoffed, “I know what you’re going to say. That you’re doing all this because you want me to reach my potential, because I have so much to offer, and all that feel-good stuff. But can you honestly say that stuff without looking deep down and not feeling like a hypocrite? Now that I certainly have no more face in front of you, why don’t we just get low and dirty? I know what is exactly running in your mind each time you introduce you me to one of your friends, each time you try to convince me to do ‘something better for me’. But have you truly thought about what I want? What I need?”

    “You can believe whatever you want, you’re so in over your head right now you can’t even think logically. I can only hate myself for actually thinking that you would change, that you’re just going through a phase. But you know what? I think I’m the stupid one here…for believing in the stupid lie that I contrived for myself for FIVE entire years. Each time you give up, each time you just toss aside any hopes to going back on the right track, I keep telling myself that life is hard for you, that you’ve been through so much, and that because I love you, I must support and understand you. And each time you disappoint me again, I blame myself for not being supportive enough, for not understanding. But you know what? I don’t understand why you’re doing this to yourself, I just can’t! Why in the world would you drop out of school AGAIN? For a year to go to Paris with some guy you haven’t even checked out the background on?”

    “So our relationship was a lie? Is that what it was?” I asked carefully, trying to swallow the bullets that she was shooting at me. Suddenly I was very tired…too tired to argue anymore. I no longer cared who won the argument because frankly, my head hurt and I just wanted to lie down on the pillow and sleep away the pain. Perhaps then, I could forget that this night ever existed.

    But what happened next just sent more knives through my heart. I heard Yun breaking down…something she rarely did for the past year. She was right—she had been extremely and amazingly supportive and understanding the past year ever since I returned to school. Whenever I was grumpy about a test or something I didn’t want to do, she would let me throw a tantrum while she encouraged me to continue on. I always took it for granted, but only now, I was starting to realize that I hadn’t been the easiest person to cope with.

    “Ichiro, you’re—hurting me—so much right now,” she managed to spill out between choking sobs. “I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. It hurts so much—each and every time. If this is truly what you want, I think we should break up.”

    As soon as she uttered those words, my heart stopped beating. I almost dropped the phone but I managed to utter a questioning confirmation, “You—really want to throw away our five-year relationship over this?”

    “Don’t make this harder for me,” she whispered.

    I just breathed into the phone, imagining the touch of her slender fingers slithering down my back, the image of her long silky hair, the warm glow in her round eyes. All gone….just like the click I heard on the other side.

    Two days later, I sat absently on the couch. Everything felt like a dream—no a nightmare. The day after my break-up with Yun, I called Mr. Philippe and arranged to sign the contract. The plane tickets were nested safely in an envelope in the top drawer, ironically rested above a picture of Yun and I when she was in high school. It still felt surreal, as if I expected Yun to call back telling me that she made a huge mistake, that she was just joking. I desperately wanted to call her again, but I was at a loss of words. What would I say? Nothing that she would want to hear.

    Suddenly, the phone rang, causing me to jump up in alarm. I yanked it off the cord and greeted with tension, “Hello?”

    There was silence on the other end, but soon, the voice that spoke back caused my jaw to drop. “Ichiro, I’m at the airport right now. I need you to pick me up.”

    “You—what?” I croaked. “But—but---“

    “Are you coming or not?”

    Dropping the phone, I grabbed my car keys and sped the entire way to the airport. It was truly a miracle that I wasn’t killed or stopped by the police. Throughout the ride, the only thing on my mind was the fact that I was going to see Yun again…

    Because it was so late, it was fairly easy to find parking and after dashing into the continental terminal like there was no tomorrow, I made it there in less than ten minutes. I clenched my keys in my fist, so tightly that they were making deep red marks in my skin. But any physical pain was beyond the anxiety I was feeling. What could her arrival possibly mean for us?

    And then there she was….walking down the aisle with a single school bag. My heart literally tore to pieces at the sight of her red and swollen eyes shielded by black-rim glasses. Her entire body looked haggard and it was clearly evident that she hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep over the last few days. Rushing forward without any thought of the implications of my actions, I hugged her close to my chest, breathing deeply into her neck. The curious looks that other people were giving us were the last thing on my mind as I held her tightly, refusing to let go. Even when she squirmed, I did not bulge, especially not after I had just experienced the loss of Yun from my life. A nightmare that I certainly didn’t want to relive.

    Slowly, I felt her arms encircle my back as her tears wet the collar of my shirt. I could feel a lump in my own throat when I finally let go to examine her face more carefully. It had only been a month since I last saw her, but she had gotten so thin—so frail. Blowing a wisp of hair away from her face, I leaned forwards and pressed my lips softly against hers. They were so cold, but the moment I sensed her familiar taste, I couldn’t stop myself. Pressing harder, I bit down, and I felt her hands tighten around my waist. When we broke free, her lips were also swollen, paralleling her swollen eyes. A sickening feeling arose inside me as I started to question what I was doing. Looking at the broken doll in front of me, I started to see how my love had suffocated her. My love was too strong…right from the beginning.

    I didn’t question why she was there, but I just grabbed her hand and led her to the parking lot where my car was. But before I could start the car, she finally spoke, “Ichiro, don’t. I’ll have to board a plane back in another three hours. I have an exam tomorrow. I just need you to hear me out.”

    My hand froze on the ignition key. She gently removed it for me and took my hands into hers. “Ichiro, I want to apologize. I said hurtful things, and you did too. But you were right…we’re both too selfish and too selfless. Although we sacrifice unconditionally for love, each of the sacrifices just feeds on our hunger for greater expectations…expectations that imply further sacrifices of the other person. I’m not a perfect person, and I know in more than one way, I have been a bad girlfriend.”

    Her hand tightened around mine as she turned away from me and continued in a tired voice, “But there are some things in life I really can’t compromise. I know I’m incredibly greedy for wanting everything…love, a career, and everything I believe to be within my grasp. But Ichiro, I’m turning 22 in another month and you’re going to be 27 soon. We can ‘t keep cheating ourselves. We love each other, but is it enough? I often think about our future, about getting married, about having kids. And each time I think about it, a huge road blocks my dreams. Because Ichiro, I don’t know how to explain it to you, and perhaps my views are outdated, and it shames me to admit this, but I don’t think I can compromise. I need a guy who I can walk out with and not feel ashamed because of his job. I know I am shallow, but all my life, I’ve had to deal with the condescending looks of my classmates, face the bitter hardships of struggling to find internships and research positions without the aid of a wealthy father who can pull me connections. I had a sniff of it in Vancouver, but Harvard is a different ball game all together.”

    Twirling her hair, she finally said point-blank, “I don’t need you to be a successful lawyer, a doctor, an entrepreneur. But I just need you to have a stable, respectable job. Ichiro, please don’t drop out of school. You can pursue any dreams after you graduate, but please graduate first. Without a degree, you won’t be able to ever find stability.”

    As I watched her struggle to say the words that were so difficult for her, words that no person would ever want to say, I suddenly felt so small, so weak. True, her words were not as honorable as love confessions of “Till death do us apart”, but I knew she was finally facing herself and speaking from her heart. And it was time for me to do the same.

    Taking a deep breath, I gazed into her hoping eyes, knowing that I would soon change them to sorrow pools of brown. If only God could give me courage for what I was about to say. “Yun, if I am to finish the next three years of this degree, if I am to work as a computer engineer for the rest of my life, I can say right now that if the man you are in love with right now is sitting in front of you, he will be dead by the time all of that is completed. If I asked you to drop out of school right now and follow me to Paris, would you do it?”

    And the pain came….gushing in wildly as I saw her eyes drop, as tears welled up in her eyes, as her body shook. She was breaking…right in front of my eyes.

    “We don’t love each other enough,” she sobbed. “If I knew this day was going to come, I would’ve left sooner…but you kept pulling me back each time. If you knew this day was going to come, why didn’t you push me away sooner? Why did you show me love and then cruelly take it away from me? Why?”

    Something stirred inside of me when I saw her hand reach for the car door. She was going to leave me for good this time, and I couldn’t…I just couldn’t let her go. Grabbing her shoulder, I whirled her around and caught her off guard as I closed my mouth onto hers, exploring my tongue inside her mouth. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I just wanted to do something—anything to relieve the pain.

    Almost in reflux, she responded with a similar passion, but it wasn’t long before she pushed me off. Covering her swollen lips with her hands, her face scrunched up as she let out more choking sobs.

    Grasping onto her hand again, I whispered in agony, “Yun, please, don’t go. Wait for me. I will come back.”

    Glaring at me, she said bitterly, “You’re so incredibly selfish Ichiro.”

    Was I? Or was she? It didn’t seem to matter anymore…because we were both too selfish to give up our pride for love.

    I don’t know if it was the pain dripping from her voice or a subtle part of me that had already accepted the break-up two days ago, but I let her hand slip away from my grasp. Yun was a strong person, and she had the courage to do the things I didn’t. Taking a deep breath, she grabbed her backpack and slammed the car door behind her. Immediately, I got up and followed her. It took every single muscle in my body not to close our distance and wrap my arms around her in a locked embrace. It seemed like time stopped as I trudged behind as Yun’s shadow, all the way to the check in. When she was handing in the passport, I told myself that if she turned back to look at me, I would literally do anything to win her back. But I knew her too well and she knew me too well. I could feel the blood gushing through as the keys jabbed into my skin sharply. Any physical pain was better than what I was feeling at the current moment as I watched her disappear into customs…and then, away, away gone.

    Back in the car, I plugged my ears, trying to drown out the sound of airplanes flying off at dawn into the rising sun. I wondered to myself over and over on the way home—what if I had said yes? Did I really not love her enough? It was an enigma, a puzzle without an answer. Yun, I love you so much, but why? Why?

  8. #8
    Senior Member remember_Cedric's Avatar
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    You have a talent for writing novels.

    I like how you express the emotions of the few main characters, and describe that interaction between them. I'm still reading. Keep it up!
    What can I say? I'm still standing! No weapon against me shall prosper! I am more than a conqueror!!!

    I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?

  9. #9
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    Haha, aww you actually read this! Lol I forgot I updated here because I post it somewhere else too. Here's another chapter =P I'm thinking of quitting the story though, it feels so lame writing it sometimes. Oh well.

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    I let out a sigh as I felt the cool water rushing down my back after a hard day’s work. Yes, laborious work once again. I was back at the moving company, at the same position that I found myself starting straight from high school. But I shouldn’t complain—if it for connections from my buddies, I probably wouldn’t have gotten my old job back at all given the current economy.

    What does it feel like when one’s dreams are splattered in mere seconds? What does it feel like to be betrayed and have all your dignity stripped away from you? In the end, it was I who wanted to face the world, and for sure, I ‘faced’ it full-blast. It turned out that Mr. Philippe had ran a long list of creditors that he ‘forgot’ to tell me about. When business in Paris didn’t boom as he had hoped, he took off on a spree. They let me go after realizing I knew zilch about the case. So that was my Parisian dream…not quite what I had expected.

    After the whole ordeal, I kept hearing Yun’s voice nagging over and over, “Told you so!” Even though she wasn’t the type to rub salt on one’s wounds, I knew a good deal of my guilt and regret was reinforced by the fact that she had indeed been right. And to be honest, that bugged me more than anything else. I could stand her being better than me in terms of academics, being more naturally intelligent than me, heck, even being a better artist than me. But damn, did she have to be right about every single decision I made in life? For once, I wanted to do things on my own, to test out the waters even if there wasn’t the ‘this is the right decision’ safety blanket. But obviously that didn’t go so well.

    So where did this leave me? I suppose I could’ve called her after, begging to crawl back. Maybe I could’ve even enrolled back in university if I had given them some sob story. Who knows, I could’ve done something. But frankly, the experience just left me feeling emptier, taking me back to the days before I met Yun. I didn’t have any energy or desire left, only wanting to trudge along the road to get by. I knew that I wouldn’t survive another day in university and there was nothing I could do about it.

    I dried my hair as I stared blankly ahead. Were the next days all going to be like this? It had only been two months since I had gotten back to Vancouver and things were already looking tiresome.

    Suddenly, the shrill ring of the phone interrupted my thoughts. Blinking, I wrapped a towel loosely around my waist and went to pick it up. “Hello?” I answered.

    “Ichiro, is that you?” I heard a familiar voice on the other line with uncertainty.

    “Mindy?” I guessed, working on my first instincts. Why would she be calling now? Last I heard, she got married a year or so ago.

    “Oh this is the right number then. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you and I wasn’t sure if I had copied it correctly from Phil.”

    “How are things going? Congratulations on the marriage by the way, sorry I couldn’t make it,” I said nonchalantly. The truth was, I skipped out to avoid awkwardness. Even though we had found someone else, I always avoided those situations as much as I could. Not that I didn’t want Mindy to be unhappy or anything, but it always felt…weird.

    “Thanks Ichiro, you’re so sweet. I—I’m calling about something else as well. I was shopping for the baby today and I—“

    “You’re pregnant?” I interrupted, my jaw dropping. Why didn’t Phil say anything about this to me? Probably didn’t want to make things awkward.

    “Yes, we’re expecting a baby girl in the winter time,” she explained.

    “That’s great news!” I exclaimed again, still a bit shocked. I don’t even know why I was shocked. She had been married for a year, and it was kind of common sense that they would want to start a family soon. I guess I was still recovering from the shock of seeing everyone around me move ahead in their lives while I was still glued in the same position for years.

    “Thanks Ichiro,” she said again. This time, I sensed that there was something else she was calling about. She sounded kind of unsettled actually. I suppose it could be mood swings, but something told me that it was about me…

    “Ichiro, I’m calling about something else,” she said uncomfortably, almost as if she was reading my mind. “Like I said, I was shopping for the baby and I ran into Yun. I had no idea that you guys—you guys…Well, I mean, I didn’t know. And I—I really shouldn’t be making this phone call, but I think I have to do the right thing, I—“

    “Whoa, whoa, slow down Mindy,” I said urgently, hanging onto her every word. The moment I heard Yun’s name, my heart dropped like a brick. Yun. I only thought about her a million times a day ever since our break-up, but hearing her name out loud still managed to churn my insides. And suddenly I was very very curious about any information on Yun…anything at all.

    “What are you trying to say?” I asked again, hoping that she would give me a straight answer.

    “I have a one question first,” she said firmly. “Do you still love her?”

    What kind of question was that? Did I love her? Of course I loved her. Heck, I was in love with her the first day I met her, and I never stopped loving her…never. But saying the words now seemed to take a toll on me. I gulped and finally admitted, “Yes I still do.”

    “Okay, then I hope Yun will forgive me. And you owe me a big big favor Ichiro, because I promised her I wouldn’t say anything. But—but I just can’t bear to see two people so much in love separate like this. I don’t know all the details behind what happened, but I have to say that I’m extremely disappointed in you. You have no idea how much Yun has suffered ever since you left her. How could you leave her at—at such a time?”

    I sat myself down on a chair to calm myself. Her words were not making sense…not making any sense whatsoever. And it certainly wasn’t like Mindy to talk in such an accusing tone. Something was not right, and my heart pounded at the thought that it had to do with Yun. “Just tell me what’s going on Mindy, I mean it,” my voice thin from worried anticipation.

    “Ichiro,” she began reluctantly. “You couldn’t have left her at a worse time. It was her final year and she was preparing for her medical school interviews. And—and—oh I really don’t think I should be saying this.”

    “Just tell me!” I roared over the phone. Guilt rushed through me as I thought back to our breakup. Mindy was right...it was the most important time of Yun’s career and all I thought about at the time was my dreams. After all, we had been in a five year relationship and it must’ve taken a heavy toll on her. Somehow, in my frenzy to reach my dreams, I didn’t weigh those factors so heavily when I made the phone call that tore us apart.

    “I don’t know what to do!” she said in frustration. “I promised Yun I would never breathe a word to anyone!”

    “I don’t care, if this concerns Yun, you’re going to tell me, or else I’m going to call her right now and demand that she tells me!”

    “No, don’t do that!”

    “Then tell me!”

    “Fine! She—she was pregnant before you left for Paris!”

    I swear that I stopped breathing that moment. I almost dropped the phone, if my desire to hear more hadn’t stopped me from doing so. I didn’t know what to expect, but this—this was beyond any grasp of my imagination. What in the world—

    “I thought it was odd that she was looking in the maternity section. At first, I thought you guys were expecting, so me being the silly person I am, congratulated her. Then, she broke in tears and I didn’t know what to do so I dragged her into a coffee shop. After much coaxing, she finally told me that she was pregnant half a year ago, but you guys broke up and she went to get an abortion.”

    I was barely listening to her now as I sat glued to my chair, my eyes wide open in shock. A million thoughts were running through my head now. I had no idea what I was supposed to think.

    “How could you be so irresponsible Ichiro?” she said with disappointment dripping in her voice. “It’s the guy’s responsibility to take care of these things! If you weren’t ready to accept the consequences, at least—at least take preventions! Being a mother now, I can totally understand what the poor girl could possibly be going through! No wonder she feels so much guilt…And to leave her at a time like this!”

    “I had no f.ucking idea!” I yelled, kicking the trash can as I tried to wash away her words that were pounding against my chest. Suddenly I had a million weights pressed against me..so heavy that I couldn’t even breathe. Why didn’t she tell me? She knew….she knew and yet she didn’t tell me? Mindy just ran into her this afternoon which meant she was still in Vancouver. I had to see her. I had to see RIGHT NOW.

    “Ichiro, are you still there? Don’t hang up. I don’t think she wanted to tell me all this personal stuff, but she probably had it bottled up for so long. I didn’t mean to pry, but God, she looked so miserable! The first time I saw her, she looked pretty miserable too worried to death about you. But this time, it’s as if her soul’s gone! God, I feel so horrible for breaking her promise like this, but I heard her mention that she was meeting some friends up at 7 p.m. in the Larksin Pub. You better not mess this up, Ichiro, I’m warning you. I destroyed my personal integrity to tell you this, and if you don’t treat her right, I’m going to personally hunt you down.”

    “Thanks Mindy, I really mean it. Thanks for everything,” I said graciously, wondering if God had granted me one last chance. Not that I deserved it.

    I checked my watch. 5:30 p.m. A part of me wanted to run over to Yun’s house right now, march up to her bedroom, and carry her all the way back here so I could ask her exactly what happened. Another part of me was so ashamed that I didn’t even know how I was going to face her. Mindy was right, I had f.ucked up big time. Because I only went to see her every couple of months, we had mutually decided that it wouldn’t be necessary or good for her health to go on the pill. I was always careful, and nothing ever happened. But the last time I drove to Boston, I must’ve forgotten or something. How could I have been so stupid and careless? And to top it off, I had left her alone to deal with the aftermath, like a true b.astard. Everytime I thought about her alone…going through the abortion, my heart wrenched like there was no tomorrow and I gasped for air.

    Throwing on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, I drove shakily to the pub that Mindy mentioned. Even if I didn’t deserve Yun, I owed her an explanation…and myself some closure. There were some local high school and university students hanging around, but no Yun in sight. I downed a Jack Daniels, letting the liquid wash down my throat. Man, I couldn’t take this anymore….I had gotten here in a rush, but now I was still at a loss of what to do. All I knew was that I wanted to see her immediately.

    And then she came. The doors opened and she stepped in. My heart dropped at the sight of the face I had been imagining for the past couple of months, the curvy body I had dreamed about numerous times, the expressive eyes that always stared deeply into mine…she was here. Mindy wasn’t kidding when she said that Yun looked like she had lost a soul. Her hair was messily tied into a ponytail and she was thin—so thin beyond belief.

    I saw her walking towards a table, but before she made it there, I had subconsciously leapt over and grabbed her wrist. “Yun, we need to talk,” I heard myself saying.

    Her eyes bulged out at the sight of me, almost as if she saw a ghost. She almost toppled over in shock, but I caught her with my arm. I had forgotten the feeling of having her in my arms, and I didn’t want to let go. She twisted in my grasp as she asked shakily, “You—you talked to Mindy? I knew I made the biggest mistake when I told her—“

    “Yun, is he giving you trouble?” I heard a voice interrupt with us. A big Korean guy sitting at the table Yun was headed for glared at me as he moved over. Cracking my jaw, I knew he was nothing and I could take him on no problem. Right now, my heart was filled with fire and anyone that got in the way will have to answer in a very ugly manner.

    Yun knew me well as fear rushed into her eyes. “Oppa, this is Ichiro, my friend, Mindy’s boyfriend. I need to discuss some things with him privately. There’s nothing wrong, don’t worry. We’ll reschedule for another time, okay?”

    Dumbfounded at her lie, I opened my mouth to protest, but she yanked hard on my shirt and whispered underneath her breath, “Don’t say anything, he’s my cousin.”

    Giving the big guy an apologetic look, she yanked at my shirt again and literally dragged me out of the bar. My head was still mixed up in a slew of emotions until she let go of me as soon as we were in the parking lot. Turning to face me, she said coldly, “I didn’t want to make a scene back there and have it go back to my parents. I don’t know what you want to accomplish tonight, but I don’t have anything to say to you.”

    Oh no, she was not going to run off on me like that. Suddenly, I was filled with anger, for the first time since I spoke to Mindy. Grabbing her arm, I ignored her protests and struggles to escape as I dragged her into my car. After I sat her in the passenger seat, she finally gave up, too exhausted to fight with me anymore. With hurt in my eyes, I asked the question that had been on my mind the entire time, “Why didn’t you tell me? Why?”

    Tears dropped down her face as she turned to face the window. She replied bitterly, “Would you have stayed Ichiro? Would you? No, you had dreams to achieve.”

    “I would have if you TOLD ME!” I screamed out in frustration, banging my head against the steering wheel. I would have….I would have stayed with her if only I had known.

    “No you wouldn’t have,” she argued back as she turned to face me, blame in her eyes. “Do you even know why I flew to Vancouver that night? That was a trip back home that I gave up to talk to you face to face Ichiro. That was the night before a huge exam Ichiro. But did you ever think of those things when you told me that you had to chase after your dreams? Did you ever think of those things when you dropped out of school, without thinking twice about the consequences? If you couldn’t even think of those things, why would you care if I told you that I was pregnant? I knew from the start that you would end back in Vancouver sooner or later, but I didn’t want to be the one you blamed forever for ruining your dreams…for tying you down just because I was pregnant.”

    “Why do you have to be so godd.amn strong all the time?” I said between clenched teeth, the pain now unbearable. Shaking her shoulders, I forced her to look into my fiery eyes as I choked each word slowly, “That was my child too, Yun. Even if I was a b.astard for getting you pregnant, you seem to forget that it was me who got you pregnant in the first place. How could you be so cruel not to tell me? And just go—and abort OUR child?”

    I knew my words were unfair and too harsh the moment they spat out subconsciously, but this set Yun off as she let out an anguished scream and started beating down her hands against my chest. Delivering a sound slap against my cheek, she lashed out, “How DARE you blame me for the abortion? Do you even know how messed up my life has been for the last couple of months? Do you know that I spent my nights waking up in sweat, twisting and turning in nightmare after nightmare? Do you even know where I spend the most time now in shopping malls—looking at baby clothes for the child I killed?” Her body was shaking uncontrollably now as she released broken sobs, “I’m a murderer! I’m a cold-blooded murderer!”

    This was too much for me…too much. Each of her sobs was breaking my heart. I reached over and pulled her into my arms, letting her tears soak the front of my T-shirt as I patted her on the back, soothing, “Yun, please don’t do this to yourself. I’m so sorry, I should’ve never left.”

    But she just kept on crying, each cry more anguished than the previous one. As much as I didn’t want to see her cry, I just let her be after a while. I wasn’t there when she needed me the most, and the least I could do now was let her release all the pain she probably had bottled up for months. I knew Yun well and she had probably put a strong front the entire time. But she was only human, and I had long figured out that I was the only one she ever appeared weak in front of—the one she showed her tears to. Stroking her hair, I murmured, “God, I miss you so much.” Instead of pulling away, she pulled my hand inside her shirt, letting me feel the mark on her abdomen. “This is the scar, Ichiro,” she said sadly. Closing my eyes in pain, I held her closer until I could hear her heart beating. We held each other as we mourned silently for the life that we had created, but could not bring to the world.

    Slowly, I breathed into her neck, letting the familiar feeling of ecstasy fill my senses. Without warning, I lifted her chin up and closed my mouth on hers again. Hungrily, we kissed each other passionately, trying to release the inner demons from within. What we couldn’t work up the courage to say to each other, we tried to make up with our actions. We both knew that it was wrong to dive deeper, but we were already in so deep that we just couldn’t pull out.

    Suddenly, she broke off, shaking her head furiously as she buried her head into her arms. “No, I can’t let you pull me into this again. God, I spent MONTHS trying to forget you..trying to forget us. And now this again.”

    My face filled with anguish, but I finally worked up the courage to say the words I had recited many many times after she had left that night. “Yun,” I began slowly as I took her hand into mine. “I know I’m not the ideal guy to be with. I know that when I asked you to be with me, I carried a whole load of emotional baggage. I knew it was unfair to you, and I knew that most girls would walk out on me. But somehow, there was something about you that told me you would understand, and I was right. Because for the last five years, you have really done nothing but understand me…understand me for who I am, understand my flaws, understand my inability to express myself properly. I may not be stupid, but I have run through many barriers in life, and now I’m working at a very low-end job. You are an amazing person, and you will do great things in the future.

    I know that I’m not good enough for you and you really deserve someone who will provide much more than what I can hope to do. What you need is stability and a man that will make you proud. But I am a dreamer, a guy who hasn’t found his place in the world yet. I could travel down the common road, I know that if I really really put forth the effort, perhaps I could finish school and spend the rest of my life doing a job I could care less about. But Yun, I don’t think that’s what you really want out of me, and what I was meant to do. You’ve put so much faith in me these years, and I’m asking you to do the same, one last time. Give me another chance, Yun. Give us another chance. I can’t promise you anything, but I know that if I have enough time, I will be able to find my own place in the world. Moving is just something I am doing to get by while I decide what it is that I want. I believe that everyone’s path in life is different and perhaps for me, it just takes longer. But I will find it, and I will make you proud.

    And if there’s anything that I’m certain about it, it’s my love for you. I always hated cheesy phrases and moments, even though I know you like to hear it deep down. But Yun, I honestly don’t think I can live without you. You don’t understand how unbearable the last couple of months have been for me. I once read a legend that lovers were debtors and creditors in another life. Maybe you owe me a lot of debts from our previous life. Please, if you can think of it this way, maybe you can forgive me for everything, and just give us another chance.”

    I was so involved in saying my speech that I didn’t dare look at her reaction. I peeked over and the moment I looked into her eyes welled up with tears, I knew her answer. Stroking my hair with one hand, she used her other hand to press my hand against her right breast and said softly with great emotion, “Ichiro, you have been inside here every single day since that night. I hated you so much, do you know that? I wanted to kill you so badly that I even tore apart one of our pictures.” Wiping her eyes, she let out a laugh between sniffs, “But I pieced it together the next day.” In a more serious tone, she asked me softly, “Do you know what the hardest part of having the abortion was?”

    When I shook my head, she whispered in my ear, “Killing a part of you. I had dreamed about it a million times, and despite it being a nightmare after I found out, a part of me was excited—so excited that we created a life together. I wanted to so badly see what she would turn out to look like. Would she have my nose? Or your eyes? And the fact that we broke up…I wanted to keep a piece of you with me forever.” Her tone changed as she started to break down again, “I wasn’t being honest with you. You were right—I wasn’t being fair. My mind was so messed up after I took the pregnancy test two days after our fight on the phone. I hopped on the first plane over to Vancouver, totally not knowing what to expect at all. I just wanted to see you, hoping that you would save me, somehow. But I was selfish too, because I was too scared to tell you. I was only 22 Ichiro! I still had my entire life ahead of me, and medicine has become my dream that I have been chasing all these years. I just couldn’t drop out of school. And my parents—what would I say to them? They don’t even know about you—how could I drop such a bomb on them? That’s why I didn’t tell you. Although I knew that you wouldn’t pressure me into anything I didn’t want to do, but I knew that the expression on your face when I told you that I was pregnant would probably convince me to keep the baby.”

    “Oh Yun,” I murmured as I kissed her forehead. “I’m here now, everything’s going to be okay.” It felt so good to warm her body, to smell her scent again, to just have her presence in front of me. Suddenly, I had a great idea. “I have something to show you!”

    Turning on the engine, we drove to my new place and I ignored her questions, a smile playing on my lips. I led her out of the car, covering her eyes with the other hand. When we got inside, I carried her facedown on the bed and instructed her not to look. With excitement, I rushed to the closet and pulled out the only ‘masterpiece’ I had worked on my entire time in Paris—a watercolor of Yun. I had painted every single night in Paris after my main projects were done…each and every time I thought about Yun. Every dab of paint represented my longing and love for Yun in words that I could not express properly. Suddenly, I was worried—would she understand? After all, it was abstract, and I wasn’t pro yet. Maybe she would only see it as a mixture of colors.

    Finally, she got impatient and arose slowly. My heart swelled at her reaction as the corners of her mouth turned up and the corners of her eyes were dabbed with fresh tears. Reaching down, she bent on her knees and ran her slender fingers against the raised texture of the canvas, inch by inch. When she was finally done, she looked at me, her eyes full of emotion. It was then I knew that she understood—she had read my piece and she knew what I wanted to say. We shuffled on the floor, closing in the distance until the tips of our noses touched. Then, I shut off the lights.

    The shrill ringing of the phone interrupted my sleep, my beautiful sleep. As I groaned loudly, I still couldn’t help but grin widely as I sneaked a peek and saw Yun’s head and bare back rested diagonally from my chest.

    I picked up the phone groggily, but frowned as I got a dial tone. Then Yun sat up, pulling the covers to her chest as she clasped a hand to her mouth. “Mina!” she cried out in shock. Wobbling over our torn clothes and stripping the bedsheets away from me, she dug into her purse furiously until she found her cell phone. “Mina, I am SOOOO sorry!” she exclaimed into the phone breathlessly. Smiling, I rubbed her back as she talked into the phone with her little sister. “Mina, I wasn’t feeling too well last night and spent the night at a friend’s house. I was going to call you, but I was so sick that I—“

    Chuckling to myself, I decide to have a bit of fun and ran my hands higher, higher rounding to the front until I touched her chest. She let out a loud giggle and whirled around, slapping my chest with crossed eyes. She made a wagging motion at me and continued to speak into the phone, “Did Umma or Appa call from Seoul?”

    Leaning forwards, I bit gently into her neck, causing her to sigh deeply, until she finally had no choice but to end her conversation, “Look Mina, I really—ah—really gotta go! Talk to you later!”

    “Ichiro!” she exclaimed, half angry and half amused. “I can’t help it,” I grinned cheekily as I showered her with kisses. Finally, she giggled and gave up trying to escape.

    We tried to squeeze in a bit more sleep afterwards. I had been putting in extra shifts to save up money lately and my whole body ached. I could tell that Yun was pretty wiped out as well, probably with school and a bunch of other things. I was just about to drift away when I felt her move closer and wrap her arms around my waist. She didn’t say anything for a few minutes, but I soon felt her chin nuzzle close to my neck. Her breath was warm as she whispered softly into my ear, “Once you were gone, I realized that everything I thought meant so much to me—just evaporated. Without you, everything else was meaningless. You keep saying that you aren’t good enough for me, but you know what? I think I’m the incredibly lucky one to find you. Because I have found love, and not everyone is lucky enough to do so. Lots of people search forever and settle. I don’t know what will happen in the future, but right now, all I know is I want love….and I want you, only you.”

    And we froze in that moment, neither of us moving as we closed our eyes in serenity. Is this what love is like? Or are we stuck in another illusion? I don’t know the answer, but I all I know is that sometimes, we can only live one step at a time. And if you find someone who is so perfect for you in ways you could never imagine was possible, how could you give her up? I may be selfish, but I know that I can’t.

    Two months later, Yun found out that she had gotten into Harvard Medical School AND Hopkins. She decided to pick Harvard. Even with her abortion, even with our breakup, she still managed to pull herself together, maintain her 4.0, and get into the leading medical schools in the country. Was there anything about Yun that didn’t amaze me? I wanted to celebrate with her so badly, but she was so far away…I should’ve been used to our long-distance relationship, but it is so hard sometimes. Of course, her parents were ecstatic—she had always made them proud, but now she was really doing something extraordinary—something that made their hard work all worth it.

    She wanted me to go for her graduation, but in the end, I decided not to risk it. As much as I wanted to see my girl walk on the stage in pride, I knew that my silent prayers for her in Vancouver would reach her heart. And perhaps an inner part of my own demons that I could not face. It had been so long since I had left home, but I knew they were be there—along with Kaito. I was not ready…perhaps one day, I would be able to face them again. But now, I choose to hide. As I stared into the coastline of the Pacific Ocean, I couldn’t help but wonder about the widening distance between Yun and I on so many levels—in juxtaposition with the closing proximity of our souls. How could there be such a contrast? But the real question was which side would ultimately win. I stared into the sky…No matter what, no one was going to take her away from me…ever.

  10. #10
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    CHAPTER 11:

    Smiling at the bouquet of dark roses sitting in the passenger seat beside me, I let out a relaxed sigh. I couldn’t help but feel excited; Yun’s flight was going to be landing in twenty minutes and I would get to see her again. My Yun, now a M.D. Four years really had passed just with the snap of a finger. My entire life had changed, but Yun and I were still together, and just that fact was enough to bring a smile to my lips.

    This was not to say that everything had been a smooth ride. Oh no, it was a rocky rollercoaster of dropping avalanches, cold wars, and more, but somehow we managed to make it through. Funny how things work out. If you asked me five years ago how I would feel about wearing a suit and tie to work, I would probably laugh your head off. But here I was, suit and tie, still at the same moving company. It all started a year after I went back to work. The new owner and I had incidentally created a bond, chatting about life back in Japan. It turned out that the company used to be international and quite large, until his gambling debts swallowed all his earnings, and pushed away his wife and kids. She had remarried the following year and he never saw his kids again. That was enough for him to kick the habit, or at least try his best to. He didn’t do too bad of a job, considering the company was a top choice for middle-class and lower-end families who couldn’t afford the big names like AMJ. But as it turned out, Mr. Suzuki had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and a four month life sentence. His children were nowhere to be found and against all odds, I soon learned after his funeral that the entire business had been passed onto me.

    Now you can imagine how shocked I was after hearing this news. Immediately, I refused, but the lawyer strongly suggested that it was his last wish for the company not to be taken over by corporate sharks. Yun had been against the idea from the start, but somehow I managed to twist her arm into turning a blind eye while I tried to manage it. I was aware there were debts, but I had no idea there were so much. I felt another case of Paris again, but Yun stuck through with me this time, despite her naggings and urgings for me to drop the company and work elsewhere. She had many connections now with her wealthy classmates in Harvard and could easily get me a job in the US so we could be closer together. I don’t know what it was, but I guess the fact that challenges always stimulated me—challenges that I was interested in. I refused to give up and kept at it. There were months when I received no pay in order to ensure the employees wouldn’t be working for free as I knew they had families to feed. And now that I no longer performed heavy labour, I didn’t have to eat so much anyway. Eventually, I started to learn tricks of the trade and things picked up again. And starting from last year, I was finally starting to actually make a respectable profit.

    When many people hear the word owner, they think about some guy working in the back, driving a Benz and wining in Europe. Well, it certainly wasn’t as glamorous as the films make it. I could live comfortably now, but just enough to pay off the car, buy an apartment. Not too bad considering my track record, but no lavish spending. But to be honest, I think one can not have too much of something. All the lax spending I indulged in throughout childhood and my teenage years were probably enough to last me a lifetime. Once you’ve tasted the feeling of finding money to be what it truly is—pieces of paper—then the ‘big secret’ is spoiled and you no longer feel the ravaged desire to make more, more and more. Did I want to live even more comfortably? Sure I would be lying if I said no. But could I get by without doing so? Probably and for now, that was good enough for me.

    But Yun. I let out a sigh as I stared at the roses again. I saw her beautiful face reflect upon the petals. One thing I definitely learned about love—it’s so easy to say just about anything in the heat of the moment, when you’re making love, when you’re professing love, but after all that is done, you still have to live with the words you speak, and the actions you promised. How have we done over the years? Well we try. That’s all I can say. Did we live up to all our words? Maybe not quite everything.

    I would be lying if I said the long distance wasn’t killing us slowly. Another year, and it would be our tenth year anniversary. It’s unbelievable that we managed to make it this far. But somehow we did. But as I moved along my career and as she climbed closer and closer to her goals, I knew the same question spun in both of our heads—where do we stand? What are we exactly? We loved each other, we knew that. We couldn’t live without each other, perhaps we knew that as well. But what were we really going to do about it? To only a very select few, we were non-existent in the other’s life, except as the mysterious girlfriend or boyfriend.

    To be honest, there were many women after me now. Although I never meant to be a ladies’ man, somehow they had always been batting their eyes and making moves on me. But now that I was an owner, I guess I attracted a different crowd. But I refused to bring Yun into the picture, because frankly, I don’t even know what to call his. She was certainly my girlfriend, yet none of her friends or family knew about me. As for her family, I wasn’t even a secret boyfriend—I was simply non-existent. She had her reasons, I know, just like I had my reasons for never bringing her to see my father, whom I never saw again in the last ten years.

    In the past, I was all about living for the moment, but as I adjusted my collar, I knew that we had reached a fork in the road. She had just graduated from medical school and I was finally stable with my career. What were we going to do?

    Taking a deep breath, I thought about a topic that I didn’t want to think about…Yun’s many admirers. I couldn’t blame her—she had truly blossomed into a woman over the years and was more ravishing than ever. When I walked alongside her, I could feel the other men’s eyes gaze upon me, some in curiosity, some in jealousy. But they weren’t the problem—the problem were the many classmates and rich boys who were after her. And believe me when I say that I know how those ones work. After all, hell, I had lived the entire lifestyle for half my life. For a spoiled rich girl, perhaps they could care less. But for someone like Yun who was just entering into a world that was so new and exciting to her, I was slightly worried. I knew she would never cheat on me, never love anyone more than me, but financial security is a very attractive thing to almost anyone. She only mentioned some incidents very briefly in passing, and I knew there were more. There were times when I just wanted to knock the lights out of anyone who dared to approach my girl, but I was so far away…so far away.

    I shut off the engine and strolled in the main doors of the arrival terminal with the roses in hand. I smiled as I saw a young teenage girl eye the roses with envy as she passed by with luggage in hand. And I certainly didn’t miss the venomous look her boyfriend shot me. With confidence, I waited alongside many people, who greeted their loved ones, some excited, some worn out, and other nonchalant. Checking my watch, I tapped my feet, starting to feel a bit impatient. It wasn’t like Yun to be slow; she was usually the first one out. Suddenly, my phone vibrated and I flipped it open to answer, “Hello?”

    “Ichiro, it’s me,” I heard Yun whisper almost inaudibly on the other line.

    “Honey, where are you? Everyone’s almost out by now.”

    “I’m in the washroom. Look I’m really really sorry Ichiro, but I—I—it’s just that I—“

    “What’s going on Yun?” I asked, starting to feel a bit worried now. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

    “No, no, nothing like that,” she reassured. I felt my heart pulse slow down a bit. “It’s just bad luck that my uncle and cousin are boarding the same plane. And, I ...”

    I knew she was waiting for me to say it, but I couldn’t speak for an entire minute. Closing my eyes, my spirits dropped down by 50% as I thought the situation over. Was she seriously expecting me to just head back and pretend that she never came? Honest to God…

    “Ichiro, are you still there?” she whispered. “They’re going to think something’s wrong if I don’t go out soon. I promise I’ll try to drop by later tonight. I think I’ll have to go home because my parents will know and—“

    “Yun, are you ashamed of me?” I blurted out, now starting to get really pissed about the entire situation.

    I heard a loud sigh on the other line. “Ichiro, we’ve been over this. They’re not ready okay? I’ve told you this a million times and seriously, it’s not the right time to—“

    “When is the right time Yun? Tell me, when is the right time?” I pressed on, feeling my jaw tighten.

    “Look, I can’t argue with you right now. I can’t believe you’re being so unreasonable about this. It’s not my fault I ran into them, what do you expect me to do? Okay, I really have to go. I’m sorry, okay?”

    I was about to speak again when I heard the phone click. I guess that was my cue to leave. But to be honest, my blood was boiling lividly and I did not feel like taking another step. This was downright embarrassing. What the hell was I supposed to do? Suddenly the roses in my arms didn’t seem to look so loving and gentle anymore. Instead, their curved dark petals seemed to be mocking my pathetic situation. What was I supposed to do with them? I had spent a small fortune on them, all pre-ordered and I really didn’t want to dump them. They could probably survive for a few days in water if I put them back in the apartment and give them to her later. But just the thought of that made my stomach lurch. What was I? Honestly, what was I to her? Did I even matter at all?

    I don’t know what snapped inside me, but I suddenly wanted to see the people who I was forbidden to meet—the great ones whom my face could grant their grand arrival. One minute passed, then two, and finally five. She was going to be coming any second now, but I didn’t budge, roses in hand. I wanted to see her reaction, I wanted to see if she would introduce me and how. I don’t know what I was doing and why I was so stubborn, but something inside stood my forte.

    And then they came out. A middle aged Korean man with a large guy likely in his thirties, both in casual clothes. The guy had squinty eyes and did not look anything like Yun. The uncle’s nose though—I could see the resemblance. But my observations were quickly cut short by Yun’s recognition. She blinked furiously, almost as if she was hoping I would go away if she blinked again. But I didn’t disappear and her eyebrows furrowed together furiously. She tried to give me an eye motion to move, which just heated me even more inside.

    At this point, I didn’t know what to do. I could’ve gone up and made a comment that would have clearly stated my status, and I knew that Yun wouldn’t have denied it. I am stubborn, but when it comes to Yun, I always end up softening up, and sometimes, I really hate that about myself. I hugged the roses closer and raised my chin as I looked straight into her eyes. Her uncle and cousin seemed oblivious to me, probably thinking I was part of the airport scenery. I could see her starting to get pissed as her eye twitched, but she finally did something that drove a stake in my heart. I would’ve much rather her look at me with anger. Instead, her eyes casted down and she grabbed the trolley with their luggage and mumbled something in Korean as she tried to trudge past me without looking up.

    So this is what it was going to be. She was not going to be mad at me…she was simply going to pretend that I didn’t exist. That I was not her boyfriend, standing their with roses for her. Well, what am I doing here with roses for an invisible girlfriend anyway? I cleared my throat loudly, knowing that she would hear. I saw her back twitch, but she didn’t turn around. That finally did it for me. Something stirred inside me and I took the entire bouquet, jogged past them until I was well ahead, and then chugged the entire thing into the waste. I heard some exclaims and gasps around me, but they were insignificant. I didn’t even look back to see her expression. At this point, she was not going to see the hurt on my face, see my vulnerability.

    I don’t even remember how I got home that night but somehow I did. I told myself that I didn’t care if she dropped by, and given my actions, I doubt she would. But deep inside, I knew the reason I couldn’t fall asleep was because I was waiting for her to stick her key in the lock, for the door to creak open, and for her to lay beside me. But it didn’t. One hour passed. Then another.

    Finally, I shut off the lights, and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Just as I was about to open it, I heard the sound that I had been waiting for the entire night. The key, the creak, and the slamming of the door. I turned around and there she was…and clearly not happy.

    Quickly, I gulped down some beer to cool myself down so I wouldn’t say or do anything irrational. Because a truckload of words were right at my throat, but I swallowed them back. She did show up, didn’t she? But somehow all the excitement and anticipation I had been waiting for the last couple of months had turned sour at this point.

    “Why did you do that?” she demanded quietly, her lips pursed as she stood in the same position stiffly.

    “Do what?” I asked dryly. “Show up?”

    “You know what I’m talking about,” she replied icily. “You knew exactly why I had to do that and you just threw a temper tantrum back there. Why?”

    Closing my eyes, I tried to block out the mental image she just created in my head. She so did not just say those words. “You know what Yun,” I finally said tiredly. “I DON’T know what you’re talking about. What are we exactly?”

    I heard a very very loud sigh from her end as she finally gave up standing and plopped on my bed facedown. “What do you want from me, Ichiro?”

    What kind of question was that? It was so like her to respond to a question with another question. But then again, I didn’t even know how to answer my own question. I was suddenly tired, so tired.

    “Okay,” I finally said in an exasperated tone. “I can play along. I don’t mind. But how long are we going to keep this up? This isn’t a reality show, Yun, this is real life, and I’m a real person. You can’t keep pretending I’m invisible everytime I’m around your family and friends, and then come running in my arms when you want to believe that I’m real.”

    Damn. I always had a bad habit to going overboard. I wanted to give her an idea of how I felt, but I knew that was a bit harsh. She sat up abruptly and gazed at me with a hurt expression. I started to feel guilty, but only slightly.

    Then, the icy smile that she always wore when she was about to say something condescending tugged on her lips. “Of course you would use that example. Hasn’t your whole life been a reality show? Maybe when you let go of your damn pride and realize that there is a world outside this city, you could’ve been making triple what you are working double shifts and essentially volunteering to do. But no, the great Ichiro Yamasaki bows down to no one, doesn’t he? It’s ironic you talk about me wanting to be realistic, when you’re the one who can never snap out of your dreams to look into reality when it’s staring right into your face.”

    Silence. God, I wanted to—

    What could I do? Slap her? No, staring at her clear smooth skin, I knew I couldn’t. Instead, I swallowed the sting and stared back at her. She twitched a bit uncomfortably, and I knew she realized she was out of line. But we were always like that. We didn’t like to apologize right away, even when we should.

    At least now I knew. She was still bitter about that job. Two years ago, when I was heavy in debt with the company, she asked her friend’s older brother who worked in real estate to get me a prestigious contracting job despite the fact that I had no experience or education beyond a high school diploma. I knew she had worked hard to make that connection, swallowed her pride, begged. But she knew it wasn’t something I wanted. Yet she hoped I would take it. I was tempted, I admit that. The pay was great, and it wasn’t something I couldn’t handle. And it would take me out of the s.hit I was in. And the fact that our long-distance relationship would end. Just that last part should’ve been enough to convince me. I still don’t know if I made the right choice or not to turn it down, but I swear that Yun almost left me that time. She did for a month, until we finally made up again. But it set a knot in our relationship, and we had avoided the issue until now. Ha, that issue among a mountain load of others. Sometimes I wonder if we should just be actors.

    When I stared at her again, I began to see her eye bags and tension lines on her forehead. I was about to open my mouth when she just shook her head, “I can’t believe I sneaked out for this. I’m not going to bother taking a taxi back right now. I’m just going to crash here whether you like it or not. And I’m going to take a shower right now because frankly, I need one.”

    That was about the last thing I would expect her to say at this moment, but I knew that she was serious this time. I let her be, and soon I heard the water running. I could’ve gone back to sleep, but not when she came by to mess with my mind like that. I couldn’t help but feel slightly happy that she was at least here. So she did care. Somewhat. That was the problem with us. We both cared, cared enough to stay together. Loved too much to leave. But not enough to fix all the problems.

    The water had only been running for 15 minutes before I heard silence. Puzzled, I glanced in the direction of the washroom, but didn’t hear any movements. It was strange that she was done so fast, usually she liked to take at least half hour long showers. But when she still didn’t come out after another 15 minutes passed, I started to get a bit worried. After the way she blew me off, I didn’t even want to bother, but I found my feet dragging themselves to the direction of the washroom.

    Knocking on the door, I called out, “Are you alright in there?”

    No response. Frowning, I knocked again. “Are you okay?” I asked, with a bit more urgency this time. Still no response. My throat was starting to feel a bit dry now, and I rattled the doorknob furiously, still calling out, “What’s going on Yun?”

    Finally, I barged in, and gasped in surprise as I saw her trying to fix the shower head with shampoo still in her hair—and wearing no clothes. Her body wasn’t a surprise to me or anything, but I still stood there frozen, my eyes unable to move away.

    Gasping at my presence, Yun quickly dropped the shower head and faced the other direction as she hugged her arms in front of her chest. “Who said you could come in?” she snapped, her teeth chattering. “And why don’t you have a freaking towel in here?”

    “It’s in the wash,” I said sheephisly, as I walked over to fix the showerhead. “I have a T-shirt that I can get you. You’re going to catch a cold—“

    “How long are you going to take?” she cut me off impatiently.

    “Probably five minutes. It’s been doing this since I changed it. I was going to go this weekend but—“

    “Then I’ll just wait,” she responded stubbornly. Letting out a sigh, I said in an exasperated tone, “Yun, you’re going to catch a cold, seriously, you don’t have to go against everything I say, you know, especially if—“

    “Look, Ichiro, just do it, okay? Let’s cut the chit-chat, I’m freezing my *** off here literally and I honestly didn’t think it would be so difficult to take a shower. You know, arguing with you takes a lot of energy, so I said fine, I’ll go take a shower, go AWAY from the situation, leave it. But no, even going into a corner by myself, is not good enough. I just sat through a plane ride for four hours, heard my uncle and cousin yapping about how old I’m getting and how I won’t ever get married now, yapping about family gossip, yapping about things I don’t even remember, and now this. Seriously, how much more can I take?”

    Her voice was starting to drone out and pissing me off, more and more by the second. Suddenly, a burst of water shot in my face. “Argh!” I grunted loudly, helpless as my entire top become soaked. I could’ve sworn I heard a giggle from the back. But no, I’m not going to think that Yun was laughing at me. Closing my eyes, I tried to ignore the rush of water in my face and pulled off my shirt. Honestly, what the hell? I struggled to re-adjust the water again, but I started to hear Yun starting up again.

    “You know, it’s been way over 5 minutes. So maybe I should’ve listened to you when you told me to wear a T-shirt. But you know what? I don’t care anymore. I seriously don’t. Seriously Ichiro, can you speed it up a little? I thought I told you last time I was here to fix that thing, and you didn’t. See what happened? If you had just done what I asked you last time, this wouldn’t be happening right now. But of course, you never listen to anything I say. You always have to do it your own way. Just like tonight. Oh my God, I—“

    My head was about to explode...any second now. I could feel the heat inside my chest rise all the way up to my throat. Then I did something I can’t even understand myself. Whirling around, I grabbed hold of her shoulders. Originally, I just wanted to yell at her to shut the hell up, but instead of the pissed look that I expected, she stared at me with large, round eyes, in shock that she was being interrupted. And something about her expression and that moment made me want to kiss her—so badly. And I did forcefully, as I grabbed hold of her hands and pressed them against the wall. Her eyes widened even more as she tried to struggle in my grasp. “Hmmph!” she groaned, twisting her head away. I really should’ve stopped, but somehow I couldn’t, and my mouth found its way deeper, and deeper, until to my surprise, I felt her loosen gradually, to the point where she started to return the kiss with a similar ferocity. Soon, I felt icy fingertips encircle my waist slowly, then moving down to unbutton my jeans. Immediately, I scooped her up in my arms, not caring that we were both dripping wet and leaking water all over the floor and bedroom carpet. Of course, one thing led to another and once again, she lay in my arms an hour later with her eyes half closed.

    “Ichiro,” she murmured softly, rubbing my hands over her shoulders. “Why did you throw out the flowers? They looked so pretty.”

    Shaking my head, I let out a laugh at the irony of her words and pressed harder on her shoulders.

    “Oof, that hurt you idiot!” she retorted.

    “Did you really like them?” I whispered into her ear, then progressing down to shower her neck with a string of kisses.

    “Only because you went and bought them,” she hummed, turning her head back to kiss me softly on the nose.

    When I reached down to kiss her neck again, she shook her head and instead kept me at an arm’s length. Then she looked me—with longing, with sadness, and with pain. “What are we going to do?” she asked softly.

    There, she said it. The question we had been asking ourselves for so long. We stared at each other, neither of us daring to break the peaceful yet tense air of silence. Closing her eyes, she swallowed hard and rolled over on the bed, grabbing the bedsheets close to her chest. “My hair is all sticky and if I don’t get this shampoo out, my hair’s going to be destroyed forever. I’m just going to use the sink.”

    Before I could say anything, she grabbed her clothes that were scattered over the floor and proceeded to the washroom. I was about to follow when she called out, “Can you look for my house keys? They’re probably lying around somewhere on the counter.”

    Sighing, I grabbed my own clothes and threw them on clumsily. We had escaped the forbidden topic, yet again. When would we really sit down and talk about it? Would we ever be able to do that without fighting, without hostility?

    I looked around the counter, but couldn’t find anything. Scratching my head, I looked for a second time, but still nothing. Then I saw her bag on the ground. Shaking my head, I figured the silly girl probably had them in her bag all along and forgot to take them out. I grabbed her bag and ran my fingers through it, until they came across a familiar metal object. The corner of my mouth curved up as I fished it out. However, a piece of paper fluttered out along with the keys. Rolling my eyes, I went down to pick it up to put back in the bag. I was about to zip up the bag when my hands stopped in mid-air. I didn’t mean to look, but the heading clearly called out in Yun’s cursive writing, “Dear Ichiro,”. A letter for me? Puzzled, I brought the letter closer. At first, I didn’t want to invade her privacy, but my curiosity got to the better of me. Besides, it was addressed to me, wasn’t it? I began to read…

    Dear Ichiro,

    How many years has it been since we first met? Nine? Ten? Does it even matter anymore? You’ve already become a part of me, a part of my life, a part of everything I am. To the point where I can no longer remember who I was before we met. And then I think, what would have happened if we did not meet? What type of life would I be leading now?

    It scares me so much now, just the thought of you leaving me. Just the thought of being so alone. And to be honest, I hate that feeling, the utter dependency, the need. I can’t even recall back to a time when I didn’t constantly think about you, when I was an independent person. Because of you, everything I do is now tied to you, so much to the point of suffocation at times.

    I was barely 17 years old, Ichiro, when you whirled into my world and changed everything…changed who I became. I often think about young love—were we too young? Was I too young? Do I really understand what love is? You pierced right into my heart that time, and now I can’t pull myself out, no matter what I do. But I’m 26 years old now, and I can’t help but wondering, is this really the path I want to go down for the rest of my life? Is this really what I want? I may be blinded by love at age 17, but I should be old enough now to

    With shaking hands, I read the letter again and again, trying to deceive myself into thinking that Yun could not have written such a thing. But she did. At that moment, she walked back into the room, a sunshine smile on her face as she called out teasingly, “I’m waiting for my ride now. Did you find my keys?”

    I turned around slowly to face her, knowing that my face was still aghast. “What’s wrong?” she asked, the smile slowly wearing off her face. When I didn’t answer, she walked over and picked up the letter that had dropped out of my hands. I saw her eyes bulging out as she crumbled it into a ball and glared at me with flashing eyes, “You went through my stuff?”

    Ignoring her question, I asked through gritted teeth, “Is that how you’ve been feeling all along?”

    “How could you just invade my privacy like that? Don’t you have any respect for me?” she lashed out.

    “In case you forgot,” I said in a dangerously low tone. “The letter was addressed to me.”

    “Did I put it in your hands?” she challenged. “It wasn’t meant for you to read!”

    “What are you scared of?”

    “What are you talking about?”

    “Why are you so scared about letting me read what’s going on your mind? Or maybe you’re just scared that I’ve seen through your act? God I feel like an idiot, I can’t believe that you’ve been acting this whole—“

    Suddenly, I felt a burning sting across my face as Yun’s palm hit contact with my face. But it was nothing compared to the way she stomped all over my heart with the letter. Letting out a scoff, I grabbed hold of her wrists and brought a struggling Yun close as I taunted, “You never did have plans to have a future with me, did you? I would never be good enough for you, no matter what I do. Because in your eyes, I am only an obstacle, only someone you need to escape, someone who seduced your young, young, naïve heart.”

    With a force that I didn’t know she possessed, Yun finally broke free from my grasp and stared at me with a fiery expression as she shot back, “All you ever do is wallow in self-pity about how you’re not good enough for me. I honestly can’t take it anymore! You don’t think I feel guilty for making you wait? Do you even know what I felt like when I had to pass you in the airport pretending that I didn’t know you? I begged you to leave so I wouldn’t have to go through it, but you just had to make me suffer through that. Do you even have an idea how difficult it was for me? And how much guilt passes through me each night when I think about you, and how you would be so much better off with someone who can take care of you, someone whose family isn’t prejudiced, and someone close by?”

    I stopped in mid-air. I didn’t know what to say. In all honesty, I didn’t know. I didn’t know that she felt this way, and it made me feel almost vulnerable.

    But Yun was on a roll as she pranced around the room, “I know I should’ve let you go a long time before. I know I shouldn’t keep you in a difficult relationship and make you miss opportunities of finding someone who can give you so much more than me.”

    Rolling my eyes, I snapped back, “Of course you would say that. Sometimes I even wonder if you would just give me away with open hands.” After all, I had always been the jealous and possessive one in the relationship, to the point where I often wondered whether Yun even cared.

    Her chest heaved up and down as she took a couple of short breaths. She was mad, I could tell, very very mad. In fact, she looked like she wanted to punch me right now and then. Instead, she just gripped her bag tighter and tighter, the words that came out of her mouth dripping with resentment, “Don’t think that your childish and jealous behaviour gives you more credibility? Do you think that just because you lash out a guy who randomly hits on me, your love weighs heavier on the scale? Because we must show our pain in an immature manner? I’m not stupid, Ichiro, I know you’re surrounded by beautiful women I know. And I know each of them would gladly give themselves to you, any day, any second. And that I’m powerless to stop anything, because I’m thousands of miles away. I know about the parties you go to, and I know about the people you hang out with. I know about all of that. But because I’m the long-distance girlfriend, I can only let you be. How can I complain when I’m the reason you’re in this situation?”

    “But sometimes I really wonder,” she rattled on, her expression turning cold again. “If it wasn’t for this,” she said, pointing to the disheveled bedsheets. “Maybe you would have left me long ago.”

    She did not just say that. It took me a split second before I grabbed her wrists again, pushing her to the wall. “What did you just say?” I threatened, my lips less than a centimeter from hers.

    “I hate you,” she uttered bitterly.

    “Because I was the one who forced you into sex? Is that what you’re saying?” I grilled her.

    Scoffing in disbelief, she glared at me and shook off my grasp again. She then proceeded to rub her wrists gingerly. I didn’t realize that I had used so much force and now there were red marks on her pale skin. She didn’t speak for a long time, and just walked over to the mirror. After fixing her hair, she grabbed her bag. She looked like she was trying very hard not to cry, but wasn’t doing a very good job of it. Finally, she cleared her throat and said the words I would remember for a long time, “You didn’t force me into anything. I did each time because I love you—so much.”

    Her words should’ve touched me, but instead, they hit me like a cold bucket of water. Perhaps given our nature, we were hardly extravagant with our phrases. And hearing her say those words really did something to me, something that I can’t even begin to describe. “Where do you think you’re going?” I asked in a state of panic. As utterly frustrated and confused I was at the moment, I didn’t want to see her leave. I hated myself for being so needy, but I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that if she left now, it would be hell before I could get her back.

    She only shot me another pained look before slamming the door. I wanted to chase after her, but I knew she had to go back before her family woke up. I slumped onto the sofa, burying my head into my hands.

    I tried calling her cell a couple of times that week, but she either hung up on me or didn’t pick up. This really frustrated me, because I had been waiting for her to finish her rotations for the longest time, and on the FIRST day back, we get into a fight. I knew that we would eventually get back together again, but there was always this long cool off period. It wasn’t the first time we went through it, but this time, I was just particularly tired of it all. On top of the fact that there were many investors bugging me about selling the company. They’ve been after it since last year, but I’ve said no each time. And now after the whole episode with Yun, I don’t even know what’s the right thing to do anymore.

    I was feeling particularly down on Friday afternoon when the phone suddenly rang. Without bothering to check caller ID, I picked it up glumly, “Hello?”

    “Ichiro?” I felt my heart thump as I heard the familiar voice that had been on my mind for the past two weeks.

    “Yun,” I said breathlessly.

    “Are you busy at 7 p.m.? Can you pick me up by our usual spot?”

    “Sure,” I agreed immediately. After all, anything to see Yun. God I missed her. But I couldn’t help adding, “What do you have planned?”

    “Just wear something nice, okay?”

    Before I could reply, she hung up. Frowning at the mysterious phone call, I went back to my work. But obviously I couldn’t concentrate and spent the whole afternoon feeling jittery. Finally, I decided to screw it and went home to freshen up a bit. Took a shower, picked a nice shirt and shoes. Had no idea what she had planned, but figured I might as well play along.

    I dialed her cell as I parked my car. Scanning the area, I couldn’t see her anywhere in the vicinity of the bridge. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder and whirled around to come face to face with a—ravishingly beautiful Yun in a black and white elegantly patterned long dress. My God, she just looked so beautiful that I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

    She lowered her eyes as a blush surfaced on her face in an attempt to avoid my goggling eyes. “I made reservations at Remenzo’s,” she said softly. “I always wanted to go there.”

    Finally snapping out of my trance, I leaned forward and lifted her chin up to look at me. I smiled for a while before finally reaching out my arm, “Shall we?”

    The night flew by, so quickly and so serenely. Everything was just so perfect—from the red wine to the slowbeat music to the general relaxed atmosphere. We gazed at the large screens as the sound of a well-known classic filled the room, “You’ll Never Walk Alone.”

    I touched my arm gingerly and asked softly, “May I have this dance?”

    The corners of eyes wrinkled into a sweet smile as she nodded and let me take her hand into mine. She wrapped her arms around my neck as I encircled mine around her waist. Slowly, we drifted to the music, as her head rested slowly against chest.

    “Yun, I love you so much,” the words tumbled out of my mouth spontaneously. “Let’s not fight anymore, okay?”

    “Okay,” she mouthed back, not wanting to spoil the moment. And perhaps for that second, time froze. Everything else just flew out the window—our jobs, futures, families, conflicts, troubles—all out the window. Because Yun and I were the only ones in that room that second, swaying with the music, in our own world.

    The ride back to her house seemed so painful that night. I didn’t want to let her go, but she insisted that she couldn’t spend the night over at my place. Soon, I stopped the car two streets from her house—as usual.

    However, she seemed reluctant to get up. I knew it—there was something else bugging her tonight, something else to explain her strange behaviour. “Ichiro,” she began, clearing her throat uncomfortably. “I just received a call yesterday afternoon from Mount Sinai Medical Centre in New York. I had previously been rejected there, but someone withdrew suddenly and now there’s an opportunity for me to go And they want me to go in a week.”

    My jaw dropped as I stared at her incredulously. “A WEEK?” I echoed. “You’re going to leave in a week? Yun, we talked about this before! You said you would have at least 2 months in Vancouver!”

    “Ichiro, I can’t pass up a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like this!” she argued.

    “What about us?” I challenged. “How long is your program?”

    “Four years,” she answered weakly, shifting her eyes down.

    I let out a groan as I buried my head into my hands, not wanting to meet her expression.

    “I’ve been thinking a lot,” she began to say softly. “You refuse to move to New York, and I—I don’t want to come back to Vancouver. Do you think it’ll be better—“ She stopped mid-sentence, and lifted my head up. “Look at me,” she instructed. Then ironically, she closed her eyes when I gazed at her, “Do you think it’ll be better if we take a break?”

    Gasping, I turned my head sharply and asked in disbelief, “Is that what tonight was all about? A farewell dance? I can not believe this! You’re breaking up with me!?”

    “I said a break, not a break-up!”

    “What’s the freaking difference? You’re going to be thousands of miles away…in less than a week!”

    “Then what do you suggest we do? I don’t know anymore,” she finally sighed, throwing her hands up in the air.

    “I don’t know either,” I replied hopelessly as I slumped down in my seat.

    “It’s just a break, Ichiro. You’re busy with the company, residency with be super busy for me. And maybe we’ll just focus on other things for a while, and maybe, the answer will be in front of us somehow…”

    “A bit idealistic, don’t you think?” I asked dryly.

    “It’s better than constantly thinking about it all day without any results!” she shot back.

    Sighing, I closed my eyes and said tiredly, “Yun, I’m really sick of doing this, over and over a million times. I want you to be with me, not as a variable, but I just want to know that you’re together with me. I want you to promise me that we’ll be together.”

    But to my disappointment, she didn’t answer. No I was wrong, that was her answer—the way she looked away, the reluctance clearly in her eyes. She still wasn’t ready and if I wanted to be truly frank about it, she was never going to be ready. I was the only one right now could make a change to the gridlock we were stuck in…but the question was whether I was going to take this step.

    Staring out the window, I gazed down the townhomes, with all the cars neatly parked outside, the little flower pots, children’s toys scattered loosely on the driveway. I thought about my future—our future. And somehow, I couldn’t see us living in a nice house like any other married couple. Our love was so passionate, so strong, and yet—it was merely a storm, a thunderstorm that would eventually drift away. And then, who would deal with the damages? She wasn’t here to stay, and I had no business keeping her. I didn’t want to look into her eyes, because mine would probably betray me. But somehow I managed to say the words, as cold as they were, “Yun Kim, if you want this to be a break, you have to stick by your words. I’ll give you as much as time as you need, but I don’t want to see or hear from you until you are ready. Maybe I’ll be waiting forever, maybe I’ll move on. And perhaps you’ll do the same. But until you’re ready—until I’m ready—we have to keep our distance.”

    Even though I wasn’t looking at her, I could feel her body stiffening, her throat tightening. Part of me what her to protest, but deep down, I knew she wouldn’t. Even if she wanted to, Yun just wouldn’t. There was a deadly silence, such a long silence. I wanted to look at her so many times, but I resisted the urge. Finally, I heard the car door creak open, and then shut close. It wasn’t until ten minutes later that I turned around to face the empty seat next to me. Letting out a scoff, I released a sigh and started the car. I don’t know what I felt at the moment—pain? Agony? Anger? Disappointment? Or perhaps, just tiredness. I was so tired, so sick of this journey. Maybe it’s for the best. It had to be. What else could I think?

    The next two months dragged, day by day. I deleted Yun’s contact from my cell phone, but my heart still lifted up every time I heard an unfamiliar ring. I shoved all our belongings into a box, but I still couldn’t stop myself from digging into it every couple of days and looking through our pictures, memoirs, and re-reading all of her letters. To pass the time, I imagined her life—busily saving lives, chatting with co-workers. I imagined her smile, her sleepy expressions, and I felt slightly better. I was slowly starting to get over her, or at least I tricked myself into thinking so. Until the day she called, when I least expected it. I still couldn’t believe the caller ID until I heard her voice clearly ask, “Ichiro?”

    I felt myself smiling, but my heart was heavy. I let out a deep breath. I knew she heard it on the other line. Then I asked in the driest voice I could manage, “Why are you calling Yun?”

    Silence. For two entire minutes. Only our breaths could be heard. Every time I couldn’t hear her breathing, I felt my chest tighten at the thought of her hanging up, but she didn’t. Finally I heard her voice again, “How have you been Ichiro? How’s business?”

    I wanted to stand my ground, but her sweet voice—I finally caved in a little. “It’s been a bit slow, but I’m still managing. How’s the new hospital?”

    I heard a soft cough. She spoke in a soft voice, “It’s been very busy, but great actually. Although my supervisor is a bit of a jerk, but I think I’ll manage.”

    “You always do,” I blurted out. I have no idea why I said that, but I was so confused, so lost. I wanted to tell her so badly that I loved her, to beg her to come back to me, to forget everything I said.

    “You haven’t been smoking or drinking?” she asked, her voice wearing a bit thin now.

    “No, don’t worry about me,” I reassured. What was this? I felt like we were two strangers trying to make small talk.

    Suddenly, I heard her gulp on the other line, with an urgency that worried me, “Look Ichiro, I have to go. I’m sorry for calling, I—I just wanted to see how you were doing. I promise I won’t call again.”

    Before I could interrupt her, I could a click on the other line. I repeatedly told myself that it was for the best, chanting it over and over. If only I could lead myself to believe. But in the root of everything was worry. Something was not right about this. I knew Yun still cared, but to call me after what I had said? It was so unlike her—almost as if she had something to tell me. If only I wasn’t so cold to her. Did something happen? Did she need me? Those questions ran in my head over and over, to the point where I could no longer sleep at night—where images of Yun kept floating through my head over and over.

    And then she called again. And it was this phone call that completely turned both of our lives around.

    “Yun,” I said more firmly this time. “Is something wrong?”

    “Nothing, what are you doing now?”

    “Are you sure? You don’t sound so great.”

    “I’m doing fine. So tell me about your day, I want to hear about it.”

    “Yun, you’re sounding really strange.”

    “Ichiro, just talk to me okay, tell me anything. I just want to hear your voice.”

    “My god, are you crying? Tell me what’s wrong!”

    “I—I don’t know. I’m just so stressed, and I—“

    I couldn’t even hear anything because of her sobs. “Okay Yun, please calm down and tell me what’s wrong. I’m here for you,” I soothed, although my heart was pounding at all the things that could possibly be wrong.

    A million things were running through my head, but what she said next made me drop the phone.

    “I bought a test, but—but I can’t do it. I’m so scared Ichiro, I don’t know what to do!”

    At first, I didn’t understand what she was talking about—until I realized what type of test she was talking about.

    The phone swayed against the counter with a bang as I stared ahead with my mouth agape. It couldn’t be—no, how could that be possible? Oh my dear Lord, I—

    I managed to snap out of my trance and picked up the phone again. Suddenly, a wave of fear rushed through all my nerves. Immediately, my mind snapped back to the day that had painfully engraved into my memory—the night Mindy had revealed the awful truth about Yun’s abortion.

    “Yun, listen to me,” I nearly screamed into the phone with full force. “Yun, please, don’t do anything, I mean it, don’t do ANYTHING until I come. God, I’m going to book tickets right now and I will be there, I promise, please, just—Yun, give me a chance, okay? Just don’t do anything until we talk face to face.”

    My fear heightened when I didn’t hear anything on the other line. “Yun, can make a promise you’ll wait? Yun?”

    I finally let out a sigh of relief after hearing an almost inaudible ‘okay’ on the other line. My body still felt numb after the call. I sat hours in the same position as I thought over our situation over and over. I knew Yun well and if she didn’t think this was true, she wouldn’t have called. After all, she was a doctor for crying out loud. But I could believe that she hadn’t done the test to make sure. The abortion had scarred her—deeply. She never wanted to talk about it again after that night, but I knew she would think about it and there were times when she would wake up in a sweat. Of all timings, now? I didn’t know what to feel, what to think, but I just knew I had to see Yun.

    Two days later, I gripped my bag as I knocked on her door. It flew open in a second. My bag immediately dropped to the ground after I saw my Yun—my distraught Yun. Her hair was a mess and there were dark circles around her eyes. I enveloped her into a hug, breathing in her familiar lavender scent. I felt her body shake as her voice choked up. Patting her head softly, I murmured, “It’s okay, I’m here now, it’s okay.”

    After I let go of her weak body, I slowly brushed her hair from her face, taking a closer look at the familiar face that had been haunting my mind all this time. I needed confidence for what I was about to do next. My mouth slowly found its way towards her lips again, and I savored the same taste once again. I half expected her to pull away, but she didn’t. I expected it to be sweet, but instead I felt so much pain, so much fear at the prospect of losing her. Never had I wanted to hold onto her this desperately, and just this thought gave me courage, gave me strength.

    And exactly at that moment, I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. Taking a deep breath, I kneeled down, grasping her hand tightly. “Will you marry me Yun?” I finally asked, hoping she would hear the emotion in my voice.

    Her other hand flew to cover her mouth as she let out a loud gasp. “What did you say?” she repeated, staring at me like I grew another head and almost as if she wanted to reconfirm whether it was a dream or not.

    Taking a deep breath, I grabbed her other hand as well and said truthfully, “Yun, I just want you to know that I’m not asking this only because of what may happen after we look at the test result. I’m asking because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I don’t care how many obstacles we have to cross. I love you so much, and that alone is enough for me. Please Yun, can you give me this chance?”

    Tears rolled down her face as she fell into my arms. “Oh Ichiro,” she just murmured again and again. Hugging her close, I whispered in her ears, “Do you love me?” When she nodded furiously, I lifted her chin up and tried once more, giving it everything I got, “Then marry me.” I knew that taking this direction was a gamble, but it was one in which losing was not an option.

  11. #11
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    CHAPTER 12

    I held my breath, part of me overexcited to hear her response, the other part too afraid to find out. Tears continued to fall from her eyes as she stared at me with raw emotion, her pain killing me inside. Finally, she bit her lips and rushed into my arms as she cried hopelessly, “I don’t know…I don’t know what to do.”

    Letting out a sigh, I held her, just glad to have her in my arms again. I desperately wanted to hear her say yes, but I knew I shouldn’t push it. She just wasn’t ready. After a few minutes, she finally finished sniffling and stared at me with much contemplation in her eyes, “Let’s find out, okay? We’re going to have to do this anyway.”

    Nodding, I gripped her hand and gave it a squeeze. Letting out a half laugh, she slowly got up and picked up the pregnancy test box from the table. “Yun,” I just want you to know that I’m always going to be here for you, okay?” I reassured once again. She nodded again and closed the door behind her. I waited for a minutes, two minutes, three minutes….the anxiety killing me. I knocked on the door gently, “Yun, is everything okay?” What a stupid question, of course it wasn’t okay. But no response. I was about to burst out again when the door cracked up slowly.

    The moment I saw her expression, I knew it was true. There was no doubt about it. Before she could open her mouth, I hugged her close to me, hushing her. “Don’t say anything, okay? Just let me hug you.”

    She didn’t protest, her body stiff and her hands cold as they gripped mine. “Ichiro, I never thought something like this would happen to me again,” she said in a weak voice. Brushing the hair from the sides of her face, I stared into her eyes and said earnestly, “You’re not going through this alone. I’m here, I—“

    “I know you want to take responsibility,” she interrupted. “But I don’t know if this is---this is right! How can we just—stop our lives like this? How can this just happen? I—I just can’t deal with it!”

    “Yun, Yun, calm down,” I hushed. “Look at me,” I instructed. When she didn’t, I grabbed hold of her shoulders and forced her to. “We are going to make this work, okay? We’re going to go through this together. You’re not going to make decisions again like last time. I’m here, and I’m going to have a say in this as well.”

    Shrugging my hands off, she stared back at me with fiery eyes, “It’s my body Ichiro! You can’t control me!”

    “Do you seriously have the heart to kill him or her?” I shot back, now furious. Was she seriously considering abortion again?

    “I didn’t say I would do that,” she replied, less forcefully this time. I took a closer look at her and recognized how tired and deflated she looked. My heart softened and I reached for her hand again. But she shook it off and said with frustration, “Ichiro, this is a big decision for both of us. I just want to think about it carefully, examine all the options before we make hasty decisions. If we’re going to keep this baby, if we’re going to get married, if we’re going to do any or all of these things, it’s not just a matter of love in the heat of the moment, but something we have to live with for the rest of our lives.”

    “Why isn’t love enough?” I argued. “We both know that we love each other, why isn’t that enough? What more do you want? God, we’re been together for almost ten years Yun! I’m very ready to start a family with you. The only problem is whether you can get over your restrictions about me being good enough for you.”

    “It’s not about that!” she snapped. Darting her eyes away, she stared blankly at the floor.

    Her lack of response was making me more frustrated by the minute. “What is it, Yun?” I pressed on. “What more do you want me to do? God, is there anything else I can do to please you?” I hated the desperation seeping out of my words, but the more I looked at her, the more I knew I needed her to say yes…and I would do anything.

    As the silence dragged on, a sinking feeling started to fill the pit of my stomach. It couldn’t be…Suddenly I jerked to the right and grasped her hand as a wild possibility filled my mind. “There isn’t—there isn’t anyone else, is there?” I blurted out.

    She let out a gasp as she snapped out of her trance to look up at me. Instead of anger or infuriation at my accusation, my heart started to fill with dread as she didn’t speak, a perplexed expression on her face. I could only take so much before I exploded, “Is the child even mine?!”

    Before I was even finished the sentence, I felt a stinging slap against my cheek. Yun was now crying again, her eyes shining with ferocity. “How could you say such a thing? she choked, reaching to hit me again. I grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her close to me—feeling a sigh of relief as I hugged her body tightly. “I’m sorry,” I hushed, hanging onto her trembling body. “Forget what I said, okay?”

    “No, I have something to tell you,” she struggled to say between sobs. Brushing the streaks of hair from her face, she gazed at me with guilt as she began to speak slowly, “There has been someone else.”

    Her words hit me like bricks as I suddenly let go of her, gasping in shock. “What did you just say?” I asked, hoping I heard wrong.

    “It began half a year ago when my parents reconnected with some old friends from Seoul. They tried setting me up with the son…multiple times. I refused each time, but they wouldn’t let me off the hook, even after I told them that I didn’t like him. A couple months ago, they tricked me into meeting his parents and it—it was horrible. They’ve been very persistent, and—Ichiro, you have to understand, they’re not going to accept you, not before, and especially not now.”

    “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked through gritted teeth, feeling a wave of hurt. Did she really plan to marry him?

    “I—I wanted to. But our relationship was already so shaky and I didn’t want to disturb it further. The last time, I admit I wanted to just marry him. I was fed up with everything and I wanted to please my parents. If I wasn’t going to marry you, I didn’t care who I would end being with anymore. It might as well as be someone my parents approved of.” She rubbed her eyes, which were now red and puffy. Her voice cracked as she went on, ”Because without you in my life—I don’t think any of my life choices would matter anymore.” I wanted to hate her, I wanted to blame her. But when I saw her face scrunch up in pain, her body crumble into a ball, my heart softened again. Deep down, I knew I could never hate or blame Yun, no matter what she did.

    “I’m so scared of disappointing them, Ichiro. I’ve never disappointed my parents ever in my life,” she finally admitted painfully. “I don’t know what to do.”

    “We’ll get through this together okay? Yun, once they see how much we love each other, especially with the baby, they’ll have to agree.”

    Her eyes filled with horror as she broke out of my grasp, “No! I can’t tell them about—about it yet!”

    Sighing, I shook my head, “Yun, your stomach will show! You can’t keep hiding it forever!”

    “I’ll—I’ll not return home for a year and after the baby is born, I’ll—“

    Grabbing hold of her shoulders, I forced her to look into my eyes, “Yun, they’re going to know sooner or later. You can’t run away from your problems forever!”

    She stopped in mid-sentence as the gravity of my words sunk in. Her body finally turned limp and she clung to my chest with an inaudible, “Okay”. But that one word meant the world to me. She was finally going to give up her restrictions and give us a chance—taking the largest step since we met ten years ago. I couldn’t sleep that night, as my eyes traced the form of her sleeping figure from head to toe. I suddenly felt so at peace…so serene. It was one of the first times in a long while that we just lay in bed sleeping peacefully, able to keep our hands off each other. And yet, I had no desires towards her that night…all I wanted was to stare at her forever, never letting her out of my sight. As I felt her hand subconsciously slip into mine, I felt a smile slip on my face. That’s all I needed in life—Yun—and soon our child. I stared at her abdomen, a feeling of pride and excitement rush through me. A life was growing in there—a life I helped to create.

    A couple of weeks later, I sat in my office with my hands pressed against my temples in frustration. Although Yun and I agreed to keep the baby, things certainly haven’t been easy. There were a million things to take care of, and she was more stubborn than ever. I wanted to stay there to take care of, given her over-ambitious attitude to do more than she could handle, but she refused and literally forced me to fly home. She needed to take care of some things with her residency program and said she needed time. I knew deep down that she needed time to think things over again. She was like that. I knew some guys in my position would probably refuse to leave in case she did anything irrational. But I knew her well, and I needed to give her time. And everytime I doubted her, I thought back to the morning after that night—when I woke up to a smiling Yun with the ring on her finger.

    But the smile slipped off my face as I stared out the window, letting out a loud sigh. She still hadn’t told her parents, even though she had been back for a while. I knew they were also pushing harder with the arranged marriage. Honest to God, who still makes arranged marriages in this day and age? Yun told me that they were more suspicious than anything. They seemed to want her to open up—almost as if they knew about me or the mysterious man keeping her from saying yes to their perfect son-in-law. Just then, my cell phone beeped again. Seeing that it was Yun, I immediately picked up. My heart jerked when I heard sobbing on the other line.

    “What’s wrong?” I asked urgently.

    “Ichiro, I—I told them. And it didn’t go well at all. I’m outside the company. I really need to see you right now.”

    I immediately dropped the phone and rushed outside. My heart broke at the sight of a beautiful Yun crying on the bench in the park across the street. I rushed over to envelope her in my arms. “Tell me what happened,” I urged.

    After much coaxing, she finally spilled the whole story. I felt my blood boil as I heard how unreceptive her parents were to our relationship. They basically kicked her out of the house once they heard I was not only Japanese, but also did not have a professional career. How could they write someone off like that? And this was their own daughter. Sometimes I really wondered about parents—what right do they have to rule over someone’s life like that?

    “I’ve never seen him so mad in my entire life,” she whimpered, her eyebrows furrowed together.

    “Do they know about the pregnancy?” I asked hesitantly.

    She shook her head viciously, “No, if I mentioned that, I think my father would seriously have a heart attack. I don’t know what to do Ichiro, I really don’t!”

    I hugged her again, telling her that it was okay. But we both knew it wasn’t. Yun loved her parents too much to oppose them, despite what she had been doing for years and years. But the truth was—her parents would never accept me. But the more I thought about it as we drove around aimlessly, the more I got mad. How could they refuse our relationship without even giving me a chance? Suddenly, I stepped on the gas, turning the car around. “What are you doing?” Yun asked in panic, gazing at me with worry.

    “We’re going to take a chance. Don’t say anything, just trust me for once.” As soon as we stepped outside her house, I opened the car door, and pulled her out of the car. Her eyes grew big as she hissed, “You’re not thinking of going to see them now, are you?”

    Ignoring her, I continued to pull her towards the front door. Before she could object, I ran the doorbell. Gasping as her free hand flew to her mouth, Yun tried to make a run for it. But I held onto her hand like there was no tomorrow, my feet planted firmly on the ground. A few seconds later, I could footsteps and then the door creaking open. It had been so long since I had last seen her mother, but it was definitely her. Her mother’s face was at first surprised, then bewildered, then in shock as her eyes slowly traveled to my grasp on Yun’s hand.

    I had all the momentum built up, but I could start feeling some doubt in my throat. But I brushed them aside and bowed down as I cleared my throat and managed to say, “Ahn-yong ha sehyo”.

    I heard a slew of Korean between Mrs. Kim and Yun, who had her head bowed down as her body shook. Finally, I saw Yun nod reluctantly as she stared at me, which I guessed was to acknowledge our relationship. Her nails clawed into my skin as she bit her lips in anxiety.

    I saw a look of contempt fill her mother’s eyes as she pointed at me and said another slew of Korean phrases in a sharp tone. Yun kept on mumbling and nodding. Shaking her head, her mother rushed back into the house, probably to get her father.

    “What did your mother say?” I finally asked, although I could guess most of the content.

    Yun stared down, refusing to tell me. Whatever it was, I’m sure it wasn’t pretty. “Yun, I’m—I’m sorry,” I began. I had acted too rashly. But to my surprise, she shook her head and finally looked up to look at me with a determined expression, “I should be the one saying sorry. I love you and I had been lying to my parents—but most of all to myself for so long. It’s about time I face this.”

    Hearing those words were like music to my ears despite the situation we were in. I hugged her close, feeling her tears wet the collar of my shirt. Suddenly, I felt a pair of hands roughly pull us apart as I stared into the eyes of Mr. Kim. If her mother was furious, then I don’t know what her father’s expression was right now. His face was as red as a tomato and he looked like he was about to burst any second now.

    “You—you—out of house now!” he yelled in broken and heavily accented English as he nearly pointed his finger in my face. I felt my face heat up in embarrassment, but I refused to let it come between us. He ignored my pleas to discuss things and roughly grabbed Yun’s hand as he began to pull her into the house. At that moment, I don’t know if it was panic or something else, but I did something I never thought I would ever be able to do in my entire life. But for Yun, for our child, I dropped to the floor and kneeled down in front of him, begging, “Sir, please. I love Yun, and I’ll do anything—anything to protect her. We’ve loved each other for ten years. How can you bear to tear us apart like this? If you love her, you should let her marry someone she loves.”

    They all stared at me with shock, but Yun reacted first, jumping to my side, as she furiously tugged at my sleeve, “Get up, don’t do this Ichiro! I will not have you doing this for me!”

    Grabbing her hand, I refused to get up and instead urged, “Yun, translate what I said, right now.”

    Tears wallowed in her eyes, and she too, dropped to the floor beside me as she faced her parents with pleading eyes and spoke each Korean word with so much pain, so much emotion. We held each other’s hands as we gazed up at them.

    Her mother’s expression softened slightly as she stared at us helplessly, but her father refused to buckle down and instead grew more and more infuriated. He exchanged a couple more words with Yun, each time pointing his fingers angrily towards me. Yun’s eyes narrowed at his last words and started to speak angrily. But in mid-sentence, her father shocked all of us, including himself, when he bent down and delivered a sound slap to her face, knocking her over. Something inside me burst and I rushed over to face him, my fists clenched. How could he hurt his own daughter like that? Her mother screamed out as she reached to help Yun get up, who was now crying so painfully.

    I couldn’t stop myself as I yelled out, “What’s wrong with you? She’s your own daughter! How could you do such a thing? And she’s pregnant!”

    Yun’s eyes bulged out as she shook her head, urging me to stop. But I was on a roll and ran over to wrap my arms protectively around Yun’s shoulders. “Yes, she’s pregnant! Believe it or not, she’s carrying my child,” I spilled out, pointing towards her stomach. They both stared at me in confusion, but a lightbulb flashed in her mother’s head as she gazed at Yun in horror. I heard another slew of Korean phrases as Yun’s mother shook her shoulders. I saw tears stream down Yun’s face as she finally nodded in anguish. Her mother immediately turned to her father. As soon as her father saw this, he charged towards me like a madman and grabbed hold of my collar, wrapping his fingers around my neck. Yun and her mother tried to desperately pull him away from me, but all of a sudden, he let out of a choking noise and fell to the floor.

    “Appa! Appa!” Yun yelled in panic, rushing down to shake her father in trepidation. “Ichiro, give me your cell!” she yelled, her voice breaking.

    I snapped out of my stunned expression and immediately dialed 911. Yun tried to do CPR on her father, but he wouldn’t respond. Her mother was now crying and I ran to get my car, but Yun protested, saying that the ambulance would be a safer bet. “I told you that now wasn’t a good time!” she yelled at me in between tears. “Now look at what happened!” I was filled with guilt at how the situation turned out. Before we could discuss further, the ambulance arrived on scene, and Yun quickly brushed away her tears before explaining the situation. As they started to wheel her father into the ambulance, Mr. Kim started to gain consciousness.

    “Appa, appa!” she screamed out in half joy. She spoke Korean again, but I could see the frustration on her face as her father grew more and more agitated as he argued with her. “Miss, Miss,” the paramedic began to say. “I don’t know what’s happening, but you’re agitating the patient. We’re running short on time and to ensure his safety, I’m going to ask that you do not ride on the ambulance.”

    “But he doesn’t speak English!” she yelled, biting her lips furiously. “I need to be there!” Her father choked again, and after a few words from her mother, Yun finally left the ambulance in reluctance. “Quickly go!” she urged me, pointing to the car. Without another word, I turned on the engine and started to trail the ambulance.

    “I’m never going to forgive you if something happens to him!” she lashed out as she cried out in hysteria, her sobs killing me. “Yun, he’s going to be okay,” I tried to comfort her. “How would you know that?” she asked accusingly. “You’re so selfish sometimes, Ichiro, so utterly selfish!” I knew she was not rational right now, but I couldn’t help but be angry at her hurtful words. “Yun, after all I’ve done for you, is that what you truly think of me?”

    “This was such a mistake!” she cried out, madly tearing her hands through her hair.

    Somehow, those words struck a dissonant chord inside me. And then I made a mistake that haunted me for the rest of my life. Whirling around to face her, I lost contact with the steering wheel, and challenged back, “WHAT is a mistake? Me? Us? Everything?!?!”

    She started to respond but let out a blood-curling scream. “Ichiro WATCH THE CAR!!!”

    Immediately, I snapped back to reality and grabbed hold of the steering wheel. But not nearly fast enough before the minivan collided with us. I remember screaming out Yun’s name, but my eyes went black as my arm twisted into a position that let me to yell out ine extenuating pain. I felt the airbags pop out against my chest as my hands desperately searched for Yun’s. The car had collided on her side—it had—no---

    It was a couple of minutes before I gained consciousness. Ignoring the pain in my arm, I crawled over to where Yun lay, shaking her furiously. “Yun, Yun, don’t do this to me! Tell me you’re okay!” A part of me sighed in relief that she was still alive, but another part of me was filled with fear—more fear that I ever felt in my entire life. There were scratches all over her arms and legs.

    Her eyes slowly opened, as she let out a stifled cough. “Yun! Yun!” I continued to scream almost hysterically, grabbing her hand into mine.

    Her face twisted into an expression of great pain at that moment, as she let out broken whimpers. Her eyes finally snapped open and she let out a scream of pain as her nails dug so deep into my wrists that they left a blood mark. “Ichiro,” she managed to whisper almost inaudibly. “I’m sorry—the---the baby—“

    My heart stopped cold as I stared down to where her eyes gazed. There was a puddle of blood under her dress, a trail slowly moving its way towards me.

  12. #12
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    Anyone care about the ending? I did finish the story lol. I can post it if anyone's actually reading. Otherwise, I'm too lazy to dig it up =P

  13. #13
    Member baldy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 999roses View Post
    Anyone care about the ending? I did finish the story lol. I can post it if anyone's actually reading. Otherwise, I'm too lazy to dig it up =P
    Please post the ending Thanks in advance

  14. #14
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    Thanks for reading baldy =)

    Here you go:

    Chapter 13

    I blinked, trying to tell myself that this was a nightmare. But Yun just held onto me tighter, her face turning deathly white. And that was when I knew I had no choice but to face reality and act at once. I tried to lift her out of the car, but she shook her head, sweat dripping from her forehead. “Don’t—move—me,” she whispered inaudibly before passing out. “Yun! Yun!” I yelled, trying my best not to panic. The blood had now dripped onto my shaking fingers and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And the pain in my arm was extenuating, to the point where I could barely feel my arm at all. Suddenly, I felt so tired and dizzy. No, I couldn’t give up—I must save Yun, somehow! But I could hear my breaths getting shorter and shorter before I felt a pair of arms support my weight.

    Cringing, I tried to ignore the buzzing sound in my head as I accosted myself up. Where was I? Tapping my forehead, I took a couple of seconds to think back to why I was lying on a hospital bed in a gown when it all suddenly came back to me at a murderous rate. “Yun!” I yelled with realization as I jumped off the bed. Yanking off the IV cord attached to my wrist, I wobbled across the hall screaming for her. Where was she? Was she okay? The baby…

    “Mister, mister, what in the world are you doing?” I heard a voice behind me. Before I knew it, she was pulling me back. I shrugged her off easily, but she quickly caught up with me and insisted urgently, “Mister, you’re in no condition to walk around! Please go back to your room.” Whirling around, I grabbed her shoulders, “Where is Yun Kim? Where is she?”

    “The young lady in the car?” the nurse asked in a scared voice. Taking a deep breath, I took my hands off her shoulders and asked again, “Yes, where is she?!”

    “She’s in the Intensive Care Unit, and you can’t see her right now, she’s—“, the nurse began to say.

    Cutting her off abruptly, I panicked, “ICU? WHY is she in the ICU? Take me there now!”

    “Sir I can’t do that!”

    “Take me THERE or ELSE,” I said through gritted teeth.

    “Sir, we have a policy!”

    Rolling my eyes, I wobbled ahead again, and this time, she didn’t even bother catching up. I could hear heavier footsteps behind me and I quickened my pace, ignoring the throbbing pain in my arm. I don’t even know how, but somehow I made it to the right unit. I even made it to her room, but the door was locked. I pounded on it loudly—I needed to see her, I needed to see her now!

    Suddenly, I felt a powerful punch on my left jaw, sending me sprawling on the floor. Already weak from the journey, I felt myself getting faint as I heard loud gasps around. But I needed to see Yun—I needed to….My vision slowly regained and I saw a couple of nurses pulling away a large Korean guy, who was yelling at me. As I struggled to get up, I heard his words more clearly, “You bastard! What the hell did you do to her? How dare you show your face! Do you even know that she’s still unconscious?!”

    My face paled at his words. “Stop!” I yelled. “What did you say? Where is Yun?”

    “Somewhere you can’t destroy her life” he snarled. “Oppa, stop it!” a young lady said frantically, trying to pull him away.

    “This is a hospital, take your personal affairs somewhere else. If you don’t leave immediately, I’m going to be forced to call the police,” a stern looking nurse demanded.

    I swallowed in everything and looked up at them, my only hope of getting close to Yun, “Please, where is she now? Is she okay?”

    The guy just gave me a stony glare, but the young lady let out a loud sigh and said reluctantly, “She’s—she’s still unconscious. The doctors aren’t sure when she’ll wake up. She lost a lot of blood. You—you must be Ichiro?”

    I felt my blood run cold at her words. How could I possibly live without Yun? I nodded briefly before getting up and charging for the door again. “I must see her,” I insisted.

    “Ichiro, please don’t add to the mess. Our family is already coping with a lot. Her mother just fainted and her father also just recovered from a heart attack. Cut us some slack, will you?”

    I knew she was right, but I couldn’t help my heart from beating faster---faster than it could possibly beat. Her expression softened slightly and she finally offered, “Okay, look, I’ll follow you back to your room and explain on the way if you promise to leave. If her mother comes back, she’s not going to be happy with you here.”

    Her brother wanted to object but she silenced him with her hand. I didn’t want to leave, but there seemed to be no other option to get any information on Yun’s condition. With one look at the closed door, I trudged behind her, feeling a part of me dying inside.

    “I’m Gina Kim, Yun’s cousin,” she introduced. “Ichiro Yamasaki,” I said absently, hardly even seeing what was in front of me. We walked in silence for a minute before she stared at me intensely, “The police said that you weren’t looking and initiated the accident. Ichiro, I know we’re strangers and this is rude, but what in the world were you thinking?! Yun—she—she was with child! You knew that, didn’t you?!”

    My breathing quickened at her words, and I just wanted to crawl into the floor right then and never look up again. How could I face Yun? I couldn’t even protect the woman I loved with my reckless actions. Then I remembered the last part of her words. “Child—the baby—“ I started to ask, afraid to hear what she would say. A good part of me already knew the answer as the devastating images of her blood in my hands came back.

    I heard a loud sigh from Gina before she finally said sadly, “She lost the baby, Ichiro. Even though you caused her accident, I’m sorry.”

    I throbbed and lost my footing, crashing to the floor. What was I? Was I even a human? I sat on the ground dazed for a few seconds before finally getting up. I had killed my own child…and indirectly killed him or her the last time too. No wonder her family was so infuriated with me. I—I didn’t even have a right to love her.

    We walked the rest of the way in silence, as I silently crazed inside for Yun’s welfare and mourned for my child when she trudged ahead, looking very exhausted.

    “I hope you understand that you can not come to see her again. We begged Ah-Jimma to rest for a while in Ah-Jussi’ room before she waited for Yun again. You don’t even understand how much they care about her. She is—she is everything to them. I only heard bits and pieces of what happened from Tony, but from what I know, my uncle’s condition is a result of your rashness as well. I can not have you destroying their health after already causing Yun to be in this state.”

    I wanted to protest, I even opened my mouth, but no words came out. After all, what could I say? I felt so powerless—so cowardly. After another moment’s silence, I finally pleaded shamelessly, “I will listen to you—but can you at least let me know if Yun wakes up?”

    She narrowed her eyes for a second before finally nodding. Before she walked out the door, she looked back and commented critically, “I can tell you do care about her genuinely, but I just don’t understand what you could have possibly done to make Yun turn into such an---an irrational person!”

    Soon after she left, the police entered the room and recorded my statement. My license was to be revoked for three years and I would have to pay a hefty fine. Furthermore, the trial was in a month. Luckily, no one else from the other cars was hurt. But my mind was not really there---all of it with Yun. I gripped the bedsheets tightly, praying and praying to an unknown God that she would be alright. If only nothing happened to her, I could and would do anything—anything to make up for my irresponsibility.

    I thought the day would never come, but that night, Gina came back and pulled a chair beside me. “Originally, I never wanted to see you again. After the hell you put our entire family through—after my poor cousin’s state, but she keeps calling your name. Heck, she wouldn’t see anyone but you.”

    “She’s awake?” I asked, my heart giving a leap. Letting out a sigh, I thanked my lucky stars and jumped out of bed. After traveling back to the ICU, I came face to face with the male cousin who had punched me earlier. He greeted me with a murderous look. And then I saw her mother’s back, so frail and weak. Suddenly, I felt a wave of guilt. This whole thing was my fault. “Eun Bi,” she cried. Gina tapped her on the shoulder and I bowed down, too shamed to even look at her. To my shock, she did not yell or scream at me, but bowed down herself. Gina and Tony were equally shocked and frozen. I tried to stop her, but she took my hands into hers and said a long phrase of Korean. I gazed at Gina for help, whose eyes were misty. Swallowing hard, she translated, “My aunt wants you to know that Yun means the world to her, and begs you to let her go. She says that she’ll do anything if you leave her.”

    My heart stopped as I stared back at the old woman—the old woman who had just killed me right then and there. I wanted to protest, I wanted to scream, I wanted to tell her how much I loved Yun. In the past, nothing would have stopped me. But at the moment, as I stared into her eyes, I saw a different kind of love—a love for Yun that ran even deeper than mine. She probably loathed me, yet she was willing to take such a step down to beg me. If a mother could do such a thing, and I couldn’t even protect my own fiancé, what right did I have to be standing here, telling her that I loved Yun? I didn’t earn the right to love her. My mouth had never felt so dry…as I stared at her, a million things whirling in my head. Her eyes—they were similar to Yun’s. I could see where Yun got a lot of her beauty from. Even though her mother was an old woman, there was still a dignified beauty about her. And that was what I loved the most about Yun.

    As I closed my eyes, I could feel wet tears dripping down, clouding our memories that were playing in front of me. I could hear Yun’s laughter—I could feel her touch, and I could smell her scent. I loved her…so much. I still love her, even at this moment, more than anything in the world. But even I could feel my grasp loosening, our bond untying. It was time—for me to let go.

    I could barely speak, but I nodded, feeling as if I was signing my life away. Somehow, I even managed to murmur, “May I see her—for the last time?”

    Gina had tears in her eyes as she translated the phrase to Yun’s mother. She looked at me once more before bowing again. I bowed back to show my gratitude and walked into her room with a heavy heart.

    I wanted to back out on my promise the moment I saw Yun again, saw the love in her eyes as she gazed at me through shining tears. I rushed over and wrapped her in a hug, unable to control myself. She let out an anguished cry as she pounded her face into my chest. “The baby, Ichiro, I lost the baby,” she sobbed.

    “Yun, it’s okay, it’s okay,” I soothed, trying to savor the feeling of having her in my arms. I never felt such bliss like that moment—such bittersweet bliss.

    She pulled me back and her lips trembled, “I’m sorry for all the hateful things I said. I know it’s not all your fault. It was an accident. I don’t want you to blame yourself, I—“

    Pressing my fingers against her lips, I hushed her. I could not hear her say anything. If I could anymore, I wouldn’t be able to leave. Even looking at her that moment was enough for me to back out, but the more I looked, the more I realized how broken she was. And I was the one who had ruined her….

    There was so much pain in my heart as I leaned close and kissed her softly, trying to remember her tender lips, her smooth skin, her—her everything. When my head rested by her neck, I could feel my tears wetting her pillow. She could not see me cry—I refuse that to be her last memory of her. I could not bear to tell her the truth—not at a time like this. Swallowing deep, I regained control and smiled. “Yun, everything is going to be okay. You listen to me, be strong, and everything will be okay. You will be fine, and you will overcome—anything and everything life throws at you, okay? Yun, baby, you’re a fighter and you can do it. I know you can.”

    “What are you talking about?” she asked in confusion, fingering her ring—our ring. It broke my heart to see it again, knowing it was fruitless, but I smiled once more, pulling her in for a hug, “Don’t worry about it now. I just want you to know that you will accomplish great things.”

    I had to leave…I had to leave now or else I would never be able to leave. “Go to sleep, okay?” She seemed reluctant at first, but I could tell that she was really tired. I hummed softly, and rocked her head in my arms. Slowly, she drifted to sleep and I kissed her one last time before pulling my hand out of hers.

    I don’t know what expression I wore walking out of that room, but somehow, I think despite their hatred for me, they…knew. I bowed one last time and trudged ahead, my spirit killed. I had lost the only person I had ever truly cared for in this world.

    A couple of hours later, I heard a knock on the door. Gina walked in and pointed to the chair in my room, “Can we talk?”

    I nodded gruffingly, and lay on the bed facing away from her. I had expected her. “What are you going to do next?” she asked.

    Sighing, I answered honestly, “I don’t know yet.” I knew she wanted more so I added, “Look, I’ll take care of it. I’ll make sure she can’t contact me.”

    Staring at the ceiling, I finally added, “If she asks about me, just give her this letter.” I pointed to an envelope. How funny that our ten year relationship was ended by a white envelope.

    She nodded, and stuffed it into her purse. I could hear her talk again, “Ichiro, we’re not cruel people. My uncle may be a bit racist, but the thing is, you have to understand where he’s coming from. Where we’re all coming from, and most of all, where Yun is coming from. I don’t know about your background and she hid you from the rest of us for years and years and years. But the Yun I knew would never lie to her parents, and she would never get pregnant before marriage. And she would never quit her residency program in the middle. And most of all, she would never act irrationally and irresponsibly.”

    Every word was piercing my heart, but a part of me still craved for Yun—even if it was just hearing her name.

    Gina went on, “We all suffered immense poverty growing up. And I’m not proud of myself or my brother. We fell back into the cycle and are certainly not living to our parents’ dreams. In fact, most children don’t. But Yun—she’s something different altogether. She’s the pride of our entire community, do you know that? She was always so smart, even when she was so little. I used to be so jealous of my little cousin who always outsmarted me. But what’s even more, she has such a kind heart. She loves to help people, and she has dreams—visions—ideas. I always feel so inspired talking to her and she just has SO much potential. And despite all her circumstances, she met every single challenge and overcame every barrier. It isn’t for her—coming from a family like hers and a neighbourhood like ours. But she was able to do it, and I think she’s capable of so much more. I don’t know how you met or why your relationship is so secretive, but I just feel that without this burden, she can do so much more. Ichiro, if you love her, you’ll let her go.”

    I didn’t say anything for a long time. I don’t know when Gina left, but at some point, I turned around and the chair was empty, my envelope taken away along with my heart. I thought back to the first time I saw her—the way she ordered me around with such confidence, such flair. And then I saw images of our fights, our struggles, Yun crying all the time. Was I responsible for all of it? Perhaps we both were. I twisted in my sleep, trying to forget, but the images kept back again and again. And the pain just worsened with each minute, as my longing for Yun grew. But I must let go….even if it means killing me.

    ------------------------------------------------------

    Chapter 14


    Sometimes I wonder if love in fact does make you a better person. Perhaps even for the weakest and most selfish, love has a softening effect to at least weaken your defenses. Over the years ever since my initial confrontation with my father, my hatred and bitterness slowly faded away, until I almost completely forgot that he had once existed in my life. Especially through my years with Yun, I had evolved—matured into a man—one with responsibility and one who had some purpose to living. I lost the contempt I felt each morning waking up wanting to declare war against the world, lost the fiery anger inside of me wanting to erupt any second.

    But once Yun was out of my life, all of it slowly crept back behind me and I truly realized that there are no pasts that we can truly escape from. We may think they’re only a shadow, but if we never faced them, only shoving them under the rug, they will come back during your times of vulnerability and haunt you again and again. As I lay in bed all these lonely nights, trying to forget her, trying to forget every ounce of my life, all the memories of my childhood and adolescence came flying back. And I found myself unwillingly growing more and more bitter. Soon, it didn’t matter where I was each day and what I was doing. I was a lost soul, wandering among the masses, not even bothering to make sense of anything. There no longer seemed to be a point to it.

    Has it really been three years? I lost count a long time ago. I used to think that each day would pass by with pain, but the truth was—it flew by in a blur. Leaving Yun, losing our baby, everything danced around my head in faded shadows. Ever since I numbed myself, I lost touch with faith and the world.

    The first month had been the hardest, not knowing if she was still okay. I had tried to make an attempt to contact her family, but gave up after a while. I knew they wanted to erase me away from her life—the sooner the better. They didn’t press charges for the accident and no one else was hurt in the process. I went broke paying the fines, and the company –well let’s say—when it rains, it pours. I had a good laugh over that one. Yun had been spending years trying to get me to leave the company, but I refused to. And in a split second, I had been jipped after a multi-corporation swiped everything I worked for under my nose. They had been planning for a long time. But none of that mattered anymore…not without Yun. Perhaps I should’ve been thankful she came into my life at all. Because without her, I’m sure I would’ve damaged myself way earlier.

    And so I spent the last three years performing odd jobs—trying out anything and everything I knew she would’ve disapproved of. That would have had my father jump out of his seat. But without them in my life, I suddenly felt—free. But it wasn’t a relieving freedom…it was a lonely one. Because now I truly knew what it felt like to have no one in the world care about you. Did he ever care about me? I don’t know the answer. Perhaps he did. But I didn’t have enough in me to find out.

    Los Angeles was a different city—a busier one, a noisier one, and a great place to forget my sorrows and pains. I soon became a dot in the crowds and the buddies that I drank with, the women I slept with, all faded into the side of the wine glass. Maybe this was how I was supposed to live life after all…like a wanderer, like a by-passer. I was no longer the one who stole the show. Instead, I peeked and glanced at the shows around me—the dramas, the trials, the tribulations—none of them mine.

    Which was exactly why I was in denial when Kaito tried to pull me back into a world I had left long ago. I should’ve been shocked to see him standing in front of my apartment door, but I think I just felt a mixture of surrealism…almost as if I was still stuck in a dream, where images of my past continued to haunt me.

    “It’s been a long time, Ani,” he said calmly, gazing at me with an unreadable expression.

    I stared at him in silence for a few minutes before clearing my throat and demanding quietly, “What do you want?”

    He noticed my worker’s clothes during this time, but didn’t bother to make any snide comments about it in his Amani suit. Sticking his hands into his pockets, he replied flatly, “Otosan is on his death bed. I thought you might care to know.”

    Somehow, the news managed to affect me more than I wanted it to. Suddenly, the air in my lungs escaped so fast out that I could barely breathe. He—was—dying? It had been almost ten years since I had last seen him…I had wished upon his death so many times, but it never struck me how I would feel once it became a reality.

    “Given your attitude toward our family and the people who raised you—despite any differences, I wouldn’t have bothered. Except he keeps asking for you…again and again. It’s breaking my mother’s heart, but he is more stubborn than ever.”

    His words entered my ears and left again. I was still too busy reacting to the news to really care what he had to say. My breaths were shallower now, and I suddenly had the urge to just jump in bed and sleep all this away. But Kaito was truly here for a hit and run. His next words killed me….right here and there, absolutely no turning back.

    “Because I knew you wouldn’t come, I had no choice but to disclose to you that Yun Kim is getting married in exactly one week’s time. And right in Vancouver. If the first news doesn’t affect you, I’m sure the second one will.”

    I felt my heart stop as I suddenly grabbed his shirt collar and asked through clenched teeth, “What did you say?”

    To my annoyance, he let out a pleased half snort at making me suffer and shoved my hands away. “I never repeat myself.”

    I raised my fist to punch him, but he grabbed it in midair and handed me an envelope instead. “Here’s a one-way ticket to Vancouver. Leaving tomorrow morning.”

    Before I could utter another word, he whirled around and left. I wanted to run after him—wanted to demand more answers. Yet I stood frozen in my spot, trying to swallow in everything. Why was I so traumatized? After all, he was nearly 70 years old—death was inevitable. And Yun, was this not what I wanted for her all along?

    Why do we react so strongly to predictable news that was going to come sooner or later? Why do I continue trying to fight destiny—trying to imagine that things would be different somehow? In my darkest days, I had dreams…in a separate world, he would come and apologize for everything. And she would come knocking on my door and tell me that regardless of everything, we were going to be together. But in the end, reality always won the battle. I only had myself to fend.

    I drank a lot that afternoon, enough to drown myself in despair. I felt like I was at a crossroad—one where I could do the right thing and go back to pay the dying man his respects. Go back to face my suppressed emotions with Yun and silently wish her well. Or I could run away again and stay where I was, hoping to never run into my past again. Had I forgiven my father? Had I really let go of Yun? Somewhere inside, I knew the answer was still no.

    I hated the way Kaito had control over me—using the two last pieces that could still stir some emotion in me. I had never seen him again ever since our fight. I didn’t know how I should feel about him…didn’t know how I truly felt about him. They say blood runs thicker than water, and yet, I felt as if I had lost all my connections with any kin.

    I don’t know what prompted me to ride on that plane, but somehow I made it back—to a land of lost innocence, to a land of first love, and to a land of heartbreak. It felt so surreal to see the familiar Vancouver harbourfront, to walk along those streets that I had once memorized. I spent the good part of the day strolling around, sniffing the fresh air, and trying to convince myself that I was truly here. I knew time was running out, for my father, for Yun, for myself….and yet my heart was not there. I wanted the world to myself, and I was not ready to face anyone yet.

    Somehow, I found my way back to the bridge—the bridge that had held so many memories for me. I stood on the ledge, looking down upon the creature that were entitled to a life free of troubles, free of the polluted relations among humans. I almost had half a mind to plunge down there myself, flowing along with the creek water. I reached into my jean pockets and pulled out a small slip of paper. In all honesty, there hadn’t been a single moment since the slip of paper had left my mind ever since I found it in Kaito’s envelope, with Yun’s contact information. I knew he had an ulterior motive—he must have one. Why was he so eager for me to see her? Out of altruism? I didn’t want to admit it, but I was bothered by how close he was with her, at least enough to know she was getting married.

    As I stared longer down below, I started to hear a young woman’s voice—one from many years back. “If your father fell from here this instant, and you had the power of saving him, but after that, you could no longer save anyone else—your wife, your kids, yourself…Close your eyes, think about how you would feel….what would you do?”

    And I found my eyes closing to the rhythm of her melodic words…until I envisioned him standing beside me, in his suit and tie. Suddenly, he plunged headfirst, over the bridge. I felt my heart tear and I reached out—reached out to grab him. I felt his wrinkled hands crawl into my flesh, deeper and deeper until it left bloody marks on my forearm. I tried to hold on, despite the pain. But when I stared into his eyes, I finally let go—unable to rip off the indifferent expression he had worn on his face throughout my childhood. And then I envisioned my mother plunging herself down the skyscraper. And he fell…faster and faster until….

    Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Sir, your paper fell,” a young girl pointed to the ground. Confused, I looked down to where she was pointing and my heart tugged when I realized what she was talking about—the note with Yun’s contact information. It must’ve fallen off when I reached over the ledge. Was this fate? I never believed in things like this, but as the little girl walked off, her mother tugging at her hand, I couldn’t help but pick up the paper. Taking a deep breath, I held it close to my heart, where she had been all these years, despite my denial. Then I found the energy within to make the trip back—home.

    My heart thumped faster and faster as I rode in the taxi, to a now foreign neighbourhood that had been my home for the good part of my life. Proud before death, he refused to die in a hospital. After all, he had spent his entire life in one. Maybe this was one of life’s greatest ironies—doctors spend their entire lives preaching to others on how to deal with death...and yet they can’t even face their own end.

    I felt a cool crispy air blow past me as I walked out of the taxi. There was a foreboding mood about the mansion…a place I had grown up in, a place I had despised, and a place where I was about to face ghosts of the past. Before I could knock the door, it flew open in my face and she walked out with tears streaming down her face, mascara all over the place. We both stood there frozen, staring at each other incredulously after all those years. She had aged so much, almost to the point where I could no longer recognize her. She finally reacted, jagging her wrinkled finger at me, spiting out, “You! You! How dare you come back NOW?”

    I heard a scoff leave my throat, and previous feelings of distaste whirled back in a heartbeat. I was about to turn around and leave when an evidently very upset and distraught Kaito approached from behind and laid his hand firmly on his mother’s shoulder. In a very flat voice, he revealed, “Father has just passed away.”

    Although the news shouldn’t have been surprising given the information Kaito had passed along before regarding his illness, it still hit me in a way I never thought was possible. I closed my eyes, hoping that the heavy weight I carried with me all those years could be lifted. Yet all I felt was another one added on…one that I knew would remain forever. I did not want to see him again—I could not bear to stare into his lifeless eyes, imagine his body shrivel up. Before Kaito could stop me, I rushed out, running as fast as my feet could carry me.

    As I ran, something suddenly dawned upon me. I knew I could never turn back again once I ran away. Once I made the decision to run, I could never go back and take a last look at his body. In that split second I made the decision, I had forever locked the door that could reconcile us. Because I could still not forgive, still could not confront my own fears, I would forever be stuck in a personal hell that I had created—one in which I would never escape.

    I sat by the bridge for a long time, watching people pass by again and again….almost as if my life was flashing in front of my own eyes. Was this how I was to continue my days? As a spec in the crowd, merging in and out until the end of my time?

    I rested my head against the heavy rock, suddenly very tired. Tired of hating my father, tired of carrying my dead mother’s hatred within me, tired of pretending that I no longer cared of Yun. “Yun,” I whispered softly, enjoying the way my lips brushed against each other as they opened up to speak out her name. I longed to call out her name many many times each day, resisting the urge, fighting within myself to forget her. But it was impossible—I simply couldn’t do it and won’t be able to. Who was I fooling?

    Furthermore, I was sick of all this. Sick of living an aimless, meaningless, miserable life. Sick of making sacrifices, sick of letting go, sick of not having her in my life. And in that moment, I ran into a phone booth and clumsily dialed the number Kaito had given me. My heart pounded with each ring, until I felt my body weaken at the sound of the voice I had dreamed about every night. “Hello?”

    It took a few seconds before I came to my senses. I could hear rustling in the background and knew I literally had less than a second before she hung up on me. “Wait!” I blurted out, feeling the same pain the night I left her room, scared I would never see her again.

    There was a long silence as we both held our breaths, neither of us willing to speak. Just when I thought my heart would burst, she finally murmured, “Ichiro…”

    Hearing the way she called my name brought back so much pain and opened so many wounds that I had to clutch at my chest. In a moment’s desperation, I cleared my throat and requested weakly, “I want to see you again. Can you meet me for dinner at 7 p.m. at Ritz?”

    There was another long agonizing silence and then I heard a click. I could no longer hold it in before I crumbled to the ground and felt the tears rush down my face. Funny how I was able to hold them in for three years, but at that moment, my hands could no longer suppress the overflowing water from escaping. I knew I was a bastard for disrupting her life at a time like this, completely destroying my sacrifice three years ago. Was this not what I wanted for her all this time? But the more I imagined her in the arms of another man, the more I felt myself unable to breathe. Even if I was letting her go, I needed to see her…one last time. But even that was impossible now.

    In the end, I decided to go myself. If I was ever going to let go, this was a good start. I would tell her all the things I would have said if she was in person. Heck, I would say everything I was gutless to say before, now, and in the future. So I sat alone with a bottle of fine red wine.
    I guess a small part of me had always wished her to show up. I knew there was a small chance of it, but I still yearned for it, craved for it. And then she walked in. I had imagined running into her, many many times. Dreamed about it, visualized it in my mind, but Yun was finally here…in the flesh. She wore a cardigan red sweater and black dress pants, all matched with high heels. Her long flowing hair had been cut, styled, and curled into loose waves that hugged the sides of her face. She looked gorgeous, academic, and just stunning. I noticed many men in the restaurant turning their heads to take a second look at her. I remember how I would take pride in walking around with Yun. But the honor was no longer mine.

    Yun was not my Yun anymore, but another man’s fiancé, someone I barely could recognize from afar. I expected her to be different. After all, it had been two long years. But I had no idea it would hurt this much, that the raw pain would be enough to eat my insides. Our eyes finally locked before she slowly followed the server towards my table. I couldn’t read her eyes, couldn’t tell what was in them, what she was trying to say.

    Of all the changes in front of me, the one that hurt me the most was her hair….her long, flowing hair that tickled me as she rested her head against my chest. The scent of lavender as I dug my face into her neck…..Images of our intimacy flashed before my eyes as I resisted the urge to jump out of my sweet and kiss the lips I had been longing for all those years. But I sat frozen as she stared intensely at the menu and waved for the waiter to come over. I stared at her as she ordered Caesar salad, steak well done, California red, and chocolate cheesecake. They then both turned to look at me as I finally snapped out of my trance. I absently made some random selections from the menu, wishing the waiter would go away so I could focus my attention on Yun again. She had come…she really had!

    She sipped her red wine, her eyes eyeing the tablecloth and her lips pursed. I never knew she drank…she had horrible tolerance. But then again, a lot could and had happened in three years.

    I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. Without thinking, I blurted out the first thing on my mind, “I’ve missed you so much.”

    Her hands clutched the napkin tighter, her face turning a deathly white. When she looked up again, there was a cold and faded look in her eyes as she said softly with a hint of bitterness, “That’s nice to know, Ichiro. Very nice indeed.”

    It was only then I realized how much my words had hurt her, instead of the effect I was intending. No, not my words, everything….I had hurt her so badly.

    We sat in more silence as we took gulps from our wine glasses. Suddenly, I felt disgusted…even if we had broken up, did we really not have anything to talk about? Was this what our ten year relationship came down to? Two ex-lovers---sitting at a fancy restaurant where they had previously declared their love, but now speechless? Was this truly the cruelty of reality and life? The more the silence dragged, the more my heart ached. It never dawned upon me that being with the person I loved could be a thousand times more unbearable than spending many lonely nights alone.

    Soon, the food arrived, and we nibbled on it half-heartedly, until Yun finally broke the silence and gazed up at me with accusing eyes, “What do you want from me? Why are you back now?”

    I didn’t speak for a while, at a loss of what to tell her. What did I really want to accomplish? I knew that I was hurting us both, but I felt powerless to stop it. Finally, I mumbled, “I want to wish you well. I hope you will have happiness in the future.” Even as I was finishing the sentence, I could hear the unintended sarcasm in my voice. I did want her to be well, but suddenly the prospect of picturing Yun and another man together left a sour and burning spot in my heart.

    “How generous of you,” she replied dryly. Her eyes flashed as she took another gulp, her third glass by now. Her face was flushing red when she shot out unexpectedly, “You’re really something, wishing me well. I don’t even know how to thank you. I made a mistake seeing you tonight and I never want to see you again.”

    Gritting my teeth, I replied through clenched teeth, “You don’t even know half of what I sacrificed for you. It’s just like you to be this ungrateful.” I was mad, so incredibly, utterly infuriated. After everything, how could she be mad at me? She knew why I left..I explained it in the letter.

    “I’m getting out of here,” she said urgently, getting up to leave. However, when she reached for her coat, she lost her footing and I immediately rushed over to prevent her fall. I had dreamed about having her in my arms again, but not once, did I imagine it to be this painful. She also froze, staring at me with a mixture of hatred and helplessness. Then she reacted, pushing me away. She tried to walk again, but wobbled left and right---she was clearly drunk. Ignoring her protests, I grabbed hold of her hand and waved for the waiter to come over. After dropping way more than enough bills on the table, I wrapped my arms around her shoulder and guided her out of the restaurant. She put up a good fight the entire way until she got out and finally slurred, “I hate you so much! Leave me alone! Why did you have to come back?!”

    Sighing, I pressed her hands against the wall as I took a deep look into her eyes, trying to ease the pain of seeing her like this. I don’t know what I expected from this meeting, but I originally thought I could’ve walked away if I saw her all happy. But now…I didn’t know what to think….what to hope. Then without warning, she suddenly opened her mouth and puked all over my shirt. Yelping, I jumped back in horror, trying to clean the mess. I soon gave up taking care of myself and led her to the sidewalk curb to help her puke some more. She seemed completely unaware of everything by now, and kept crying and gurgling. After patting her back, I tried to think about what to do. I was feeling rather light-headed myself after all that wine, and was in no condition to even see her back home. I reached into her purse and fished out her cell phone. I randomly flipped through the quicklist, my eyes stinging at the names of Kaito and James. The longer I stared at their names, the less willing I was to make the phone call. Not only could I not explain myself, but the thought of another man taking her into his arms made me clench my fist. First, I needed to get us cleaned up. Then I would help her settle in, and wake her up in the morning. What she did after that was her life. But tonight, she was going to at least have me take care of her one last time, even if it was just tucking her in.

    My heart was heavy as I called for a taxi, during the ride, and checking into the hotel. My shirt stunk by now, and I desperately needed a shower. I plopped her on the bed, took off her high heels, coat, and wrapped the blanket around her before heading for the shower. She mumbled random things throughout, but I don’t even think she knew anything anymore.

    As I felt the cool water splash against my body, I couldn’t help but feel pain once more. After years of living a numb and robotic life, I had forgotten about my wounds…set aside the pain somewhere so deep that I could not even reach. But they had resurfaced as soon as she reappeared in my life. And now it hurt…more than anything in the world. I could barely breathe, just imagining her in the next room. She had changed so much, but she would always be my Yun.

    With a towel wrapped around my waist, I walked out and sat on the edge of the bed. She was sleeping so peacefully, so angelically. I stroked her hair, trying my best to only remember our happy memories so I could cherish them forever in this light. I was about to leave when she suddenly grabbed hold of my hand tightly, murmuring, “Ichiro, don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. I love you so much.”

    My breaths grew shorter as I tried to digest her words. I knew she was drunk and just mumbling nonsense, but somehow I couldn’t convince my heart that. “Yun, please stop,” I whispered, half pleading. How was I supposed to let go after….after those words? But she said them once again, and again, and again. I stroked her hair again, feeling my body freeze up, not wanting to leave. Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of a shiny thin silver chain protruding from her upper chest. I don’t know what compelled me to take notice of it, but I reached closer and tugged on it with my free hand. I almost fell off the bed in shock when I saw what was attached at the end—she had attached the ring I proposed with there years ago on a silver chain. If she didn’t still love me, why would she keep the ring so close to heart?

    Overwhelmed with emotions, I fingered her face…her smooth skin, her rosy cheeks, her perfect lips. I don’t know if it was the alcohol, but I found myself leaning forward until my nose tips touched and then I closed the distance in with a kiss. Once I touched those lips, there was no turning back. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was wrong, but when I found her half responding, I no longer could stop myself. At that moment, I did not have the time or energy to consider the consequences of my actions. I just knew I wanted her…like I’ve never wanted anything in my entire life. I knew that if she left me, I would have died right then and there.

    I was still groggily trying to grab the blankets when I heard a piercing scream that caused my senses to jump. What had happened last night? I had a pounding headache and could see or think straight. Suddenly, it all came back to me…the images flying by faster and faster as my eyes finally shot open in horror.

    Yun’s eyes were bloody red and bulging as she wrapped the blankets closer to her chest and pointed a finger at me shakingly, “What the hell HAPPENED last night?!” Her eyes shifted to the floor where our clothes laid, scattered all over the floor. The images were more clear now—our kisses, our touches, and holding Yun close to my body and not letting go. It was so incredibly selfish of me and by the look on her face, she was never going to forgive me.

    And from her expression, it was also clear that she was slowly remembering the events. Her hands shot up as she ran them through her hair in panic, screaming, “I’m getting MARRIED tomorrow?! How could this happen?!”

    Her breaths were getting shorter and shorter as she started to hyperventilate. I felt more and more guilt and I reached over to stop her from pulling at her hair, but she shifted away from me as if she had been electrocuted. “Get away from me! Don’t touch me!”

    “Yun, listen to me!” I tried to explain. “You must calm down first and –“

    “Calm down?!” she shrieked, pointing at our unclothed state and the messy bedsheets as evidence of our passion last night. “You want me to CALM DOWN?|! How am I supposed to explain to everyone? How am I supposed to face James? Why the hell do you have to ruin my life over and over and over again, Ichiro? What have I owed in my past life for you to do this to me, time after time? Why can’t you just let me be? You were already cruel enough to walk away three years ago, why not now? WHY this?!”

    “I didn’t want to!” I exploded. “Do you think you’re the only one hurting?” I shouted. “Why the hell are you still wearing my ring if you don’t give a damn? What about my life? Why the hell didn’t you walk away from my life, instead of giving me hope time after time until I finally had to let you go because we could never be together due to the goddamn stupidest reasons in the world? God, I want to laugh every time I think about our supposedly cursed relationship. Do you even have a ****ing idea how I’ve spent the last three years?”

    “Then why did you leave?” Her breathing regained control and she stared at me in anticipation, tears slowly dripping from her eyes. “How could you be so heartless to leave me alone after what happened?”

    “Your mother begged me!” I practically screamed. Just saying the words was nothing compared to the pain I felt leaving the hospital that day, and every day after that, willing myself not to call or contact Yun.

    Her mouth dropped open and she stared at me speechless. But she quickly closed it again, as a bitter look came across her face. “You know what? I was wrong, I don’t want to know nor am I in a position to care at this point. I am getting married tomorrow and that is that. This never happened.” Holding her head up high, she wrapped the blanket closer to her chest and reached down to grab her clothes.

    I yanked her back and glared at her with a fiery expression, “How can you pretend that nothing happened last night? Can you go out there and tell him that nothing has happened?”

    Letting out a scoff, she raised her head again and turned away from me, “Last night was sex. So what? It’s not like he doesn’t know I’m not a virgin. And haven’t we done it many times before? Don’t think that just because I slept once more with you, anything has changed between us. I will get married tomorrow and you will go back to whatever and wherever you came from and—“

    Before she could finish her sentence, my hand was already striking her face. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t bear for her to say another word. Whirling around, she raised her hand to hit me back, but I pinned her hands across the bed frame and threatened, the jealousy burning my insides like I had swallowed a ball of fire, “I refuse to let another man touch you. You are mine and only mine alone.”

    As she struggled in my grasp, she shot back, “Too late for that now!”

    My hands weakened at her words, gasping at her in disbelief. I had no right to control what happened in her life in these three years—after all I had left her. But just the image of another man---another man touching her was enough to make my insides churn. She started to turn around again, but in a random act of impulse, I grabbed hold of her shoulder and pressed my lips against hers, forcefully pinning her down on the bed. She tried to beat her hands against my chest, but I was too strong for her and pulled them across the bed. I kissed her like there was no tomorrow, trying to release all my pain, frustrations, and….love. Her struggles grew less and less persistent, until her hands weakened in my grasp. Before I knew what was happening, her hands had wrapped around my neck. I could no longer control myself as my hands started to roam her body, touching all the spots I was so familiar with. We no longer tried to pretend any longer—it was clear that we could not control ourselves. Yet somehow, we also felt the invisible bomb ticking…ticking…ticking. As we made love, as I felt her nails sink into my back, as I sank my teeth into her neck, as I breathed in the scent of her body, we knew that that all this was only ecstasy and it wouldn’t be long before we would have to make a decision. But it had been three long years….three long years that we had suffered, suppressing our love for each other.

    And we could no longer hold back, even if it was just for this one moment. I kissed her hungrily, never tasting such sweetness in my life. She returned each of my kisses with the same ferocity, the same passion.

    A couple hours later, she rested her head against my chest as I enveloped her close to my body, running my large toe slowly across the back of her feet. She had always liked it when I did that after we made love. I buried my head into her neck, missing how her long hair had always hid my face. But her neck was still so tender, the skin so soft. As I breathed into her skin, she let out a moan and whimper, almost as if she couldn’t bear for me to do it any longer. But I pressed harder, until she finally turned around, her face stained with tears. “Ichiro, don’t,” she whispered, almost pleading. “Don’t.”

    I knew exactly what she was asking. Don’t tempt her…don’t push her. But what was I supposed to do? I opened my mouth, “Yun, please give me a—“

    “Shh,” she hushed. Managing a wan smile, she rested her head against my chest again, “Give me some time. Take a shower, okay? I need some time alone, please Ichiro.”

    I still don’t know why I even thought of listening to her. Maybe because of the way she looked at me with such desperation. But when I saw the scars on her arms, I couldn’t help but let go. She quickly pulled her arms back, but I had seen the scars…more evidence of the damage I had done on her life. It then dawned on me that she had waited for me…year after year to come back to her. But I was late, each and every year.

    I think I already knew in my heart what her answer would be, but I still walked to the hotel bathroom stark naked, almost as if I was leaving the world with nothing….not even clothes to cover myself.

    And I knew exactly what had happened when I heard a click, even with the sound of the running water. Tears welled up in my eyes, but somehow I managed to stay frozen in my spot, biting on my lips until I could taste my own blood. Her touch was all over my body, forever and ever. After last night and this morning, there was no way I would ever forget or even repress it. Slowly, I turned off the water and grabbed the bathrobe. Each step was heavy as I opened the bathroom door, proving every suspicion right. She had left….utterly walked out. Although I had expected it, I still could not help but let out an anguished cry as my heart dropped. Because this time…she was really gone. My heart tore apart at the sight of our ring sitting in a lonely position on the dresser, on top of a folded letter. Angrily, I pushed both items onto the ground as I dove my face into the pillows. I could almost feel her body again as I kissed every part of her body, as her hands intertwined with mine. As I pulled the blankets close to my face, I couldn’t help but cry, both internally and externally at all that was left of our intimacy and relationship—some crumpled bedsheets, a wedding ring, and a sheet of paper. Thirteen years….and this was my love, all reborn and destroyed in this small hotel room. Love, perhaps it really isn’t meant for certain people. As I stared at the state of the room, now so stark, dark, and empty without Yun’s presence, I couldn’t help but lose faith—lose faith in happiness, in hope, and in love. In fact, I never wanted to hear that word again. I breathed in the sheets one last time before I started to button up my shirt. Life goes on, does it not always? But that certainly doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. I walked out of that hotel room a little bit more lost—a little bit more empty—and a lot more faithless.
    Last edited by 999roses; 08-04-08 at 11:45 AM.

  15. #15
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    Epilogue: The next day, 10 p.m.

    I rested my head against the hotel bed, my shirt half unbuttoned. I let out a long sigh, feeling my breath coincide with the warm summer breeze. I had left the window slightly open, just enough to get a taste of the outside air. I could've asked to switch rooms, but I couldn't bear to leave her....yet. Her scent still lingered on the pillows, and I just wanted to spend this last night here. After tonight, I would leave and never look back. But until then, I needed her----every piece that I could capture.

    I slugged forward and reached for the white wine bottle, clumsily gulping down furiously. Anything--anything to forget, to drain out her voice, her touch, her everything....It had taken everything in me not to run after her---not to show up at the alter, not to knock the living daylights out of the man who was taking her away from me. I didn't know I possessed such self-control until today. But what did I receive in return for it?

    Bitterly, I chugged down the remains of the bottle before smashing it against the wall. They were probably going to charge me for that. But that was the least of my worries at the moment. With shaking hands, i reached up and picked up the letter---the dreaded letter that I wanted to burn and hold close to my chest at the same time. I felt my eyes blur again as I read the words for the millionth time....each time piercing my heart more sharply. Yet this pain was addictive--so bittersweet, so rich with our love that could result in nothing but pain, pain, and more pain. And only in slumber would I ever be able to be free from it all. With this in thought, I opened my second bottle, slowly slumping my head against the pillow once more. I knew I was taking the coward's way out, but just tonight...tonight was all I needed. Because after tonight, I was going to forget---forever.

    As I drifted to sleep, her words echoed in my head...hauntingly, eerinly, like the tragic Japanese melody that my mother had sung to me every night as she cradled me back and forth, the tears furiously flowing down her stricken eyes.

    Ichiro,

    Don't chase after me. Don't look for me. I am only a memory--one that you must erase from your memories immediately. I am nothing more than a past shadow in your life. We know each other better than to feed each other anything we don't want to hear. I'm not going to wish you well, I'm not going to pray that you find happiness. Because frankly Ichiro, before last night, I don't think I could ever forgive you. And after last night, I still don't have the answer. I just know that...Actually I don't know anything except the mere fact that I'm in so much pain right now. I just want to swallow a pill and forget everything. What is the point in remembering when it only brings more pain? Ichiro, I can't take anymore of this. You come and enter at your own will, crashing down my world as you please. It took me years of therapy and hard work to live without you...and now I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like I've returned to three years ago once again, a world that I have no courage to face.

    Where were you after feeding me a fake promise, and then leaving me to wade alone in a sea of rumors, failures, and accusations? All along, I refused to believe that they were right. Because I loved you so much, I naively believed that if we had each other, everything would be alright. But do you know what hurt the most? Being played like a fool...by you, by life, by my own foolish dreams and desires.

    I never want to feel the shame and sense of powerlessness your presence blankets me ever again. A year later, I sat at home with a bandaged wrist after Kaito snatched the knife from my hand. Two years later, he cleaned up the mess I made after I vomited the pills I chugged down with alcohol. I don't know what I would've done without him, and yet I can't because everytime I look at him, you stare back at me. And then it hurts again...so much. And then I had no choice but to hurt him, to make him hate me forever. I will never forget the shocked look on his face when James stepped out of my apartment. I had betrayed him with the person he hated more than anything in the world. Was I even human? All because he spoke the truth --- that I was a pathetic human being for still being under your control.

    Do you know how many cups of alcohol I had to down before letting James enter my apartment? To the point where everything was a blur and I could no longer feel my own fingers. I did not intend for him to fall in love with me. I don't know why he did after that night. But I slowly began to forget. Between the pleased smiles on my parents' faces and walking the conventional route for once, I began to forget. I willed myself to forget, and soon, I almost molded myself into the person I should've been years ago before meeting you.

    I am tired Ichiro. I used to think that I wanted love, but I don't anymore. If you had come back eariler, perhaps my heart wouldn't have frozen. But now, I don't have strength to warm it up again without killing myself in the process. So let me live, Ichiro, let me go.


    I could barely make out her scrawled signature before she took off. Images flew in front of me, faster and faster flipping through the many years, memories that we could not keep, memories that we must forget. Facing the window, I let out a scoff. Forget? Who was I kidding? Certainly not tonight. As my eyes grew heavy, I murmured softly, "Maybe tomorrow....tomorrow I will forget." Whatever you do, Yun Kim, keep to your words and do not enter my dreams tonight.
    Last edited by 999roses; 01-25-09 at 10:41 PM.

  16. #16
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    Hmm viewership goes up...but not comments =(

  17. #17
    Senior Member Guo Xiang's Avatar
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    Did he die? Sorry for being mean but I was giggling and laughing throughout this story. Not that it was badly written or something - in fact, it was excellent - but it's amusing (to me) that Yun and Ichirou could keep on maintaining a relationship that was hurting so much for over a decade.

    And Ichirou was annoying, period. Kaito informed him of Yun's marriage... I had to wonder if that's his revenge on Yun. I was surprised she really dumped him in the end, 'cos I was convinced they were going to patch up again. But it was good riddance, though I think it's kind of abit too late for her, because she had already allowed him to destroy her in some ways.

    Anyway, great work, Rosie! ^O^
    Last edited by Guo Xiang; 01-25-09 at 09:58 PM.
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  18. #18
    Senior Member 999roses's Avatar
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    Awww Thanks Xiang Xiang for reading my storyyy!!! =) You're awesomeee =D

    Yes I know their love was a bit "melodramatic" at some parts *hides away*. But there is a sequel if you're ever bored ahaha....that'll answer your question (well actually it really won't because it was supposed to be a trilogoy but I lost interest/motivation in the story after writing 1 chapter of the third part).

    But I actually started out writing the sequel, and this is the PREQUEL (if that even makes sense).

    And yes someone does die.

  19. #19
    Senior Member Guo Xiang's Avatar
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    Woohoo! I'd be happy to read part2!

    I really like Yun, and the ending is kind of a cliffhanger for me.
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    Quote Originally Posted by athlee View Post
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