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Thread: Just for laughs (Share ya daily funnies)

  1. #41
    Senior Member Candide's Avatar
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    There's a longer version of that personal ads one:

    40-ish. . . 48.
    Adventurous… has had more partners than you ever will.
    Adventurer.. Slept with all your friends
    Athletic… flat-chested.
    Assertive…..pushy with a mean streak.
    Average looking… mooooo.
    Beautiful… pathological liar.
    Contagious smile… bring your penicillin.
    Educated… college dropout.
    Emotionally secure… medicated.
    Feminist… fat ball-buster.
    Free spirit. . . substance user.
    Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a ****.
    Fun… annoying.
    Gentle… comatose.
    Good listener… borderline autistic.
    High-Spirited…..Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
    New-age… all body hair, all the time.
    Old-fashioned … lights out, missionary position only, no oral.
    Open-minded… desperate.
    Outgoing….....loud and embarrassing..
    Passionate…. loud.
    Poet… depressive schizophrenic.
    Professional…
    Redhead… shops in the Clairol section.
    Rubenesque… grossly fat.
    Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight.
    Voluptuous… very fat.
    Weight proportional to height… hugely fat.
    Wants soul mate… one step away from stalking.
    Widow… nagged first husband to death.
    Young at heart… toothless crone.
    "Anything you can't say NO to is your MASTER, and you are its SLAVE."

    "I disapprove of what I say, but I will defend to the death my right to say it."

  2. #42
    Senior Member remember_Cedric's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PJ View Post
    I think I'm getting the idea.

    12. I farted = I'd like to have sex with you

    13. Dude! That's my ***! = I'd like to have sex with you

    14. Mommy, can I have some cereal? = I'd like to have sex with you

    15. In the Jin Yong universe, no one has demonstrated the ability to absorb energy from a distance of 5+ meters away = I'd like to have sex with you

    16. I'd like to have sex with you = I ran out of things to say

    PJ, nice one! One line says it all :


    Candide, that you've posted, reminds me of the Idioms book I'm currently reading.
    What can I say? I'm still standing! No weapon against me shall prosper! I am more than a conqueror!!!

    I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?

  3. #43
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    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w200/zapfastnet/1203039342828.gif')
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  4. #44
    Senior Member shen diao xia's Avatar
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    An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the Casino and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked. 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

    MORAL OF THE STORY
    Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

  5. #45
    Senior Member shen diao xia's Avatar
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    THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
    RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
    LINE:


    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you screwed up my life.


    I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.


    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you are not.


    Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you because I was pissed.


    I thought that I could love no other --
    that is until I met your brother.


    Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
    and so is your head.


    I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.


    I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


    My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?


    My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe "Go to hell."


    What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

  6. #46
    Senior Member shen diao xia's Avatar
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    1. Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
    2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
    3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
    4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
    5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
    6. Men are like Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
    7. Men are likeDepartment Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
    8. Men are like Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
    9. Men are like Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
    10. Men are like Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
    11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
    12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
    13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

  7. #47
    Senior Member remember_Cedric's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shen diao xia View Post
    THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
    RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
    LINE:


    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you screwed up my life.


    I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.


    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you are not.


    Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you because I was pissed.


    I thought that I could love no other --
    that is until I met your brother.


    Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
    and so is your head.


    I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.


    I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


    My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?


    My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe "Go to hell."


    What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

    LMAO! Oh my oh my! I love these kiss-then-bash lines. I'm gonna make one of them my signature.


    My contribution, not that funny but it's still a joke :

    In a dental clinic, a poster reads:

    "If you don't care about your teeth today, you'll have nothing to worry about for tomorrow."
    Last edited by remember_Cedric; 03-28-08 at 07:16 AM.
    What can I say? I'm still standing! No weapon against me shall prosper! I am more than a conqueror!!!

    I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?

  8. #48
    Senior Member remember_Cedric's Avatar
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    Default Jokes of the day (to dis-stress you from your weekdays crap)

    Joke One:

    There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

    The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

    The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

    It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

    Joke Two:

    Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.


    "What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

    "Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

    "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
    What can I say? I'm still standing! No weapon against me shall prosper! I am more than a conqueror!!!

    I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?

  9. #49
    Senior Member oGaKirA's Avatar
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    Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Containers:

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with that hottie without spitting.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    Last edited by oGaKirA; 03-29-08 at 02:12 AM.
    Due to several complaints, I will stop using the terms "Babe" and "Baby" in reference to our female counterpart. They will now be replaced with "B*tch."

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  10. #50
    Senior Member remember_Cedric's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oGaKirA View Post
    Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all Containers:

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with that hottie without spitting.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
    If this is a list of true/false question form, it'll be True for all questions(not for me...I mean NOT all, only a few).

    "WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing." - This is especially true, when you watch the initial stage of enrolment in American idol.

    "WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them." - There's one word to describe such sentiment: Over-passionate.
    Last edited by remember_Cedric; 03-29-08 at 02:33 AM.
    What can I say? I'm still standing! No weapon against me shall prosper! I am more than a conqueror!!!

    I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?

  11. #51
    Senior Member shen diao xia's Avatar
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    A group of people were amazed at how a middle-aged couple was still "lovey-dovey" and passionate towards each other after many years of marriage.

    In awe and admiration, one of them asked the man "What's your secret"?

    The man said: "Well it's like this. Many years ago during our honeymoon, we went exploring in the desert riding donkeys. I was lucky as I got a well behaved donkey unlike my wife who got a delinquent one. After walking for 5 mins, my wife's donkey stopped and refused to walk anymore."

    My wife then said, "This is the 1st time" in an angry voice which resulted in the donkey walking again.

    The man continued, "After another 5 mins, the donkey stopped again, and then my wife angrily said "this is the 2nd time". Miraculously, the donkey resumed walking again. Sure enough, after another 5 mins the donkey stopped yet again, and that's when my wife lost her cool and shouted "this is the 3rd and final time". To my horror, after saying that she took out a gun, BANG! and the poor donkey was dead.

    I of course reacted negatively and asked her in a stern voice, "Are you crazy? It's just a donkey". Then she said to me "This is the 1st time!"


    Those of you who got the joke, congrats, you are as smart as me.. Those who did not, worry not, sooner or later you will. Cheers!!!!

  12. #52
    Senior Member shen diao xia's Avatar
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    This one is exceptionally funny!!!

    Subject: Indian Salesman


    An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
    The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home".

    Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. you get the idea?"

    "Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

    After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?
    The Indian says, "One" The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people avg 20 30 sales/day.
    How much was the sale for?"
    The Indian says, "$101,237.64."
    The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?
    The Indian, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
    The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"

    The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing."

  13. #53
    Senior Member oGaKirA's Avatar
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    Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
    The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high
    over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

    Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
    Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
    The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
    Connor began to cry.

    The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
    the wide-eyed 3-yr-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded,
    "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place . . . smack his a$$ again !"
    Last edited by oGaKirA; 03-29-08 at 05:22 AM.
    Due to several complaints, I will stop using the terms "Babe" and "Baby" in reference to our female counterpart. They will now be replaced with "B*tch."

    SPCNET Karaoke Corner

  14. #54
    Senior Member shen diao xia's Avatar
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    Do you think you know English? Try this one. Can you decipher this:

    Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member

    scroll down for answer:.......(in simple English what does this translate to??)

































    Jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and jill came tumbling after!!!
    Last edited by shen diao xia; 03-31-08 at 03:53 AM.
    I am a pessimist, but I think people like me!

  15. #55
    Senior Member remember_Cedric's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shen diao xia View Post
    Do you think you know English? Try this one. Can you decipher this:

    Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member

    scroll down for answer:.......(in simple English what does this translate to??)
    Giaaah-hahahahaha I like this one!


    Ok! This, I am about to share, is my personal experience which I find it funny or rather...amusing and cute (I'm not being crude).

    My boss borrowed the Finding Nemo vcd from me last week, for his children to watch. I didn't realise that it can cause such an impact on them.

    Accordingly to my boss, they were extremely happy(Hooray!) to finally get to watch Finding Nemo again (since their discs got spoilt due to mishandling...you know who/s). Unfortunately, when things didn't work out....again (due to the vcd machine calls for surrender)....... the children cried down the heaven. O_O *sigh* Kids...
    Last edited by remember_Cedric; 03-31-08 at 10:50 AM.
    What can I say? I'm still standing! No weapon against me shall prosper! I am more than a conqueror!!!

    I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?

  16. #56
    Senior Member shen diao xia's Avatar
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    Default Math Geniuses

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/pic27753.gif')
    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/pic11337.jpg')

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/infinity.gif')

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/find_x_lol.jpg')

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/blonde_equation.jpg')
    I am a pessimist, but I think people like me!

  17. #57
    Senior Member john-e's Avatar
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    I've always liked this one...

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn99/john-e_01/elephantintheway7.jpg')
    john-e

    Sixty years ago I knew nothing; now I know nothing; education is a progressive discovery of your own ignorance. - Will Durant

  18. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by shen diao xia View Post
    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/pic27753.gif')
    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/pic11337.jpg')

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/infinity.gif')

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/find_x_lol.jpg')

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/blonde_equation.jpg')
    u made my day
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  19. #59
    Senior Member remember_Cedric's Avatar
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    LMAO That is too funny!

    shen diao xia, that really helped me to de-stress after a long day of junk! You can really come up with good jokes. Congratulations! You found the right thread for you! The funniest part will be the "Expand" (with the marker's comment, of course!).

    Now...if only Maths was that easy lmao I hate Maths!


    John I like that equation . The student doing that problem did try to figure something out lol.
    Last edited by remember_Cedric; 04-01-08 at 11:57 AM.
    What can I say? I'm still standing! No weapon against me shall prosper! I am more than a conqueror!!!

    I don't care to sit by the window on an airplane. If I can't control it, why look?

  20. #60
    Senior Member shen diao xia's Avatar
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    Default Another Math Genius

    $this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm72/shen_diao_xia/Maths_Paper.jpg')
    I am a pessimist, but I think people like me!

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