Just for laughs (Share ya daily funnies)

[shen diao xia]

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[shen diao xia]

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[expression]

New and fresh daily from the Engrish website:

This is not stabbing-type, but ring-type of pain. It rings through your mouth and brain!
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[expression]

Oh and we need more compassion in society.

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[remember_Cedric]

That Karate vs Ninja is funny

[LuNaR]

POLITICS FOR NEWBIES


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

[shen diao xia]

A MOTHER'S NIGHTMARE.......

Subject: A note from a daughter to mom - very interesting
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see
The bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an
envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was
addressed, "Mom."
With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad
and you.
I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,
Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call
when it is safe for me to come home.

[shen diao xia]

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[remember_Cedric]

Funny Judge Judy Cornflakes Dispute PART 2 (Voice over)

Anyone who had heard of Judge Judy.... you should be flipping off your chair when you watch this video...well you still will flipp even if you don't know about Judge....Judy!

[f.alchemist_freak]

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how I was born??’??
The father answers, “well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive, as soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said …….scroll down…..
You’ll love this….








































!!!!!!You got ? Male”

[remember_Cedric]

Let's look at the 5 great minds

click to show/hide spoilers

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Other brainy jokes:

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A Normal child's brain vs An autistic child's brain

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Homer's Brain

click to show/hide spoilers

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P/s: Meanwhile, prefer Spoiler! It's a better way to contain huge images and be kind to these pages.

[shen diao xia]

INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could
all do with a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found
inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the
things you have started". So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel!!!


Something to consider....

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the
herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills
off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. So drink more beer!

Beer Contains Female Hormones:

Last month, National University of Lesotho
Scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of Female Hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains Female Hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that
by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[shen diao xia]

Golfing with the Wife...


A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," the man says, "It's like this; I was playing a quiet round
of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our
balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was
rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" the doctor asks.
"Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my
wife, "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that."





Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£45,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ......the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[shen diao xia]

Saying the Right Thing!!!

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes. The first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotless clean; so is the rest of the house. He takes the two aspirin and notices a note on the table that reads, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough there sits a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son answers, "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

[remember_Cedric]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£45,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ......the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

LOL Wicked! That's something that I would do too

[shen diao xia]

Not funny, but definitely worth a read!

While you're waiting for your flight, you notice a shop selling
shortbread cookies. You buy a box, put them in your traveling bag and
then you patiently search for an available seat so you can sit down and
enjoy your cookies. Finally you find a seat next to a gentleman. You
reach down into your traveling bag and pull out your box of shortbread
cookies.

As you do so, you notice that the gentleman starts watching you
intensely. He stares as you open the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the cookie and bring it to your mouth. Just then he
reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box, and eats it!
You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually, you're at a loss
for words.

Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates with you. For every
one cookie you take, he takes one.
Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy?
Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve? Can you imagine the words you might
use to describe this man to your associates back at the office?
Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one
left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he
does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you.
After he's finished with his half he gets up, and without a word, he
leaves.
You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?"
You're left sitting there dumbfounded and still hungry.
So you go back to the shop and buy another box of cookies. You then
return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies when you
glance down into your traveling bag. Sitting there in your bag is your
original box of cookies -- still unopened.
Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had
reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by
mistake.


Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant?
You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift.
You're seeing things from a new point of view.

Is it time to change your point of view?
Now, think of this story as it relates to your life. Seeing things from
a new point of view can be very enlightening. Think outside the box.
Don't settle for the status quo. Be open to suggestions. Things may not be what they seem.

[shen diao xia]

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

================================================== ===

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't
get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would
you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.

[shen diao xia]

For pro-engineers;

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For the rest of us;

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[oGaKirA]

For the rest of us;

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"ahh...yes...I seee."

[shen diao xia]

Original
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