Can one insult bring down years of friendship for you?

[ByTmE]

A person told me once that whenever her best friend was upset, she will call her and release her anger on her. Why is that so? Because her friend feel safe with her enough to do that (of course, it's not a recommended action. That friend at the receiving end doesn't deserve the tantrum ). Kinda ironic.

Actually, I value all my friends. But, I've communication problem. I can only communicate well with very close friends in real life. So, it might seem like I didn't care. But, I really do value many of the friends I've met in my life.

The friend on the receiving end must be a paragon of patience! LoL! It's easy to be mad and vent on someone whom you know loves you. Deep inside you know that no matter how you goof, they will still love you. But it's best to not throw caution in the wind.

I have very few friends...like can count on one hand with fingers [plural yes!] left over. I don't exactly have a communication problem...I have a speaking problem, but I am quite adept at explaining how I feel in writing. This was once a problem for me because I had a close associate who was illiterate that I wanted to confide in.

As for the original question...well I'd say: it depends. I will take into factors like the implied insult, the circumstances, their personal character as known through past experiences, my interactions with them from the past, how much I like them, and possibly how useful they are as a human being. If it boils down to the last point, then I've stopped thinking of the individual as a friend, they are now potential networking asset.

[Ace High]

of course, especially when somebody insults you in their fb status, denouncing you as a liar for chosing to celebrate your six year old nephew's birthday instead of hanging out with them.

Is it logical for for someone not noticing misscalls but can notice SMSs right away?

[pandamao]

don't end any friendship unless you have tried to talk to the person and work out the difference. if repeatedly the person does the same time, then it's a sign the friendship is over. the key here is, "don't pretend to be the bigger person and sweep it under the rug. you have to acknowledge it and let your friend know the issue." This is a problem I have and it's so hard for a person like me to be confrontational.

[Lucre]

I value my friends too. I still tried to keep in touch with my two best friends from uni days.
I don't know. Sometime, a true friend can also hurt you unintentionally. I've a friend whose words hurt me very very much last year (feel like being stabbed in the heart), but, I know her intention is not malicious. She was just trying to help. So, I kept quiet about it and until now she still doesn't know that her words has hurt me so much and I don't intent to let her know either. It still hurts whenever I think of it. But, still, she was well intentioned. What can I do? And maybe, what she said has some truth in it.

yeah, usually that happens. I still keep in touch with quite a number of friends actually, I even 'remain friends' with a person who called me friend, but actually stole my work and submit it as her own, just because she wanted to get the job. When I found out later, I was not very impressed with her actions, though I never told her I knew about it. As time passes, we just don't hang around with each other anymore. Sometimes I figure she was just a bit desperate and circumstances led her into doing something like this, because she knew that the chances of my finding out is pretty slim - but sometimes, one in a thousand chances to happen.

I don't see a need to create a drama with her, I just stop spending time with her. I do however remain in touch with her from time to time, just to see how she's fairing. Of course, after donkey years, that incident doesn't make a difference anymore in terms of career path, but it's a reminder that humans are very often not as noble, and that who knows if I will do something similar, if I was given the same temptation. Being on the receiving party means I would have more qualms before doing this to another friend.

She didn't want to hurt me intentionally either; in fact it wasn't about me even. She was more concern with getting what she wanted, and she thought I would never find out. =p But does that make her a good/sincere friend?

What is true friend? Is it a friend who always agree with you, who just will say nice things to you?

Funny you should bring this up. GX and myself are friends for a bloody decade, and we have very contrasting personality, tastes etc. Almost like, if she like something, she would bet that I would dislike it. And we do talk alot with each other, in fact, we argued alot of times. Even lost count of the times where neither of us wanna give in, and then launched into cold war, making statements like lets not be friends anymore - but when we both cooled down, we will talk it out, and then patch up again. This process happened several times, but the last couple of years arguments rarely lasted too long. In a way we both already knew each other better, and become more tolerant - or maybe already develop an immune system that the stuff that pissed each other off in the earlier years, no longer do so now.

Well, that's a true friend. There are a few others too, some never got into arguments with me, because some people are naturally not aggressive, but they are willing to go that extra mile for me; though the lines are rather blurred when there are some who grant favors to another for ulterior motive (like expecting their charity to be repaid). But I knew enough people whom would always be there for me when I need them. I guess I would take my chance and trust anyone who calls me my friend, until he or she had done something questionable and then they would fade off.

I have a friend who I often did not see eye to eye. I've argued with her a couple of times, but, when she need my help, I'll always help and I believe she will do the same for me too. (Update: I get what you mean in this instance. A friend who is insincere will fade away by themselves ).

Actually I don't only reserve my help to friends. I even help those that I disliked even, and they aren't my friends; but I the level of help might not be the same quality. I never considered people whom I don't see 'eye' to 'eye' as friends. I call them acquaintances. But usually they might become friends later on. I have a friend whom initially I found her a little stuck up, so I ignored her, but by chance I managed to have a talk with her, and I found her pretty straightforward, and I tend to find such a quality more appealing. We became friends. But after we graduated from school we have our own paths, and due to her family situation she wasn't able to continue her studies like the rest of us, and then she just chose to stop contacting anyone else in the class. It cannot be helped I suppose, but I never heard from her since. I tried to call her but she would not pick up the call.

A person told me once that whenever her best friend was upset, she will call her and release her anger on her. Why is that so? Because her friend feel safe with her enough to do that (of course, it's not a recommended action. That friend at the receiving end doesn't deserve the tantrum ). Kinda ironic.

Lol, maybe her friend is masochistic? Alright, jokes aside. But if it were me on the receiving end I'll probably shove that 'friend' away. I am not very used to being a doormat. ^_^ Nobody says I have to accept all sort of people as friends, only those I am compatible with =p

Actually, I value all my friends. But, I've communication problem. I can only communicate well with very close friends in real life. So, it might seem like I didn't care. But, I really do value many of the friends I've met in my life.

I'm usually the one talking, so most of my friends are on the quiet side. Although if they have a problem, I'll keep my mouth shut and listen. I'd try, because I always see my excessive need to talk as something I need to curb, before it gets out of hand. Can't say I'm great, but at least to my friends, I do my best to be a comforter.

[kidd]

I never considered people whom I don't see 'eye' to 'eye' as friends. I call them acquaintances.

Did not see eye to eye means having differing opinion lah, like you and Guo Xiang.

[Lucre]

don't end any friendship unless you have tried to talk to the person and work out the difference. if repeatedly the person does the same time, then it's a sign the friendship is over. the key here is, "don't pretend to be the bigger person and sweep it under the rug. you have to acknowledge it and let your friend know the issue." This is a problem I have and it's so hard for a person like me to be confrontational.

you don't need to 'pretend' to be the bigger person, you can be....and not all things needed to be talked out actually. It depends on the situation, and the friend in question.

lastly, that's just poor hygiene to sweep it under the rug. At least dispose them when the garbage collector comes.

[Lucre]

Did not see eye to eye means having differing opinion lah, like you and Guo Xiang.

Sorry, me bad. ^_^ I took that on a different level, thinking along the lines of, "we simply don't ever agree" on anything type of conflict. was thinking along the negative lines with this expression.

cos most of the times when I met people like that, conversation couldn't sustain even.

[Suet Seung]

It's possible if the level of friendship is not strong despite the number of years we know each other. One serious clash of perspective where one side is over zealous on preaching can lead me to break up the friendship and call it quits. I really dislike overzealous people who can't respect another person's judgement and do things that betray them.

[Ken Cheng]

It's possible if the level of friendship is not strong despite the number of years we know each other. One serious clash of perspective where one side is over zealous on preaching can lead me to break up the friendship and call it quits. I really dislike overzealous people who can't respect another person's judgement and do things that betray them.

A' freaking -men.

[xJadedx]

I've been friends with people for years and there never has been an occasion where one "insult" or "thing said" would destroy said friendships. I more fall out of friendship because we change or drift apart. But even then, we remain friendly with each other.
Though at the same time, there aren't many people I'd consider as my "true" friends.

[pandamao]

you don't need to 'pretend' to be the bigger person, you can be....and not all things needed to be talked out actually. It depends on the situation, and the friend in question.

lastly, that's just poor hygiene to sweep it under the rug. At least dispose them when the garbage collector comes.

i was mainly referring to myself. i try my best to be the bigger person and let it go but at some point i realize i should have said something on instance one. regardless, it's hard to find true friends.

ken - try your best to savage the friendship. if nothing can be done, then accept this friendship isn't meant to be anymore.

[kidd]

don't end any friendship unless you have tried to talk to the person and work out the difference. if repeatedly the person does the same time, then it's a sign the friendship is over. the key here is, "don't pretend to be the bigger person and sweep it under the rug. you have to acknowledge it and let your friend know the issue." This is a problem I have and it's so hard for a person like me to be confrontational.

It's not about pretending to be a bigger person. It's just the unwillingness to rock the boat and make things worse. Well, that's my case.

[pandamao]

It's not about pretending to be a bigger person. It's just the unwillingness to rock the boat and make things worse. Well, that's my case.

Definitely not my personality, as much as I admire this mentality.

On some occasions, I hold back to avoid confrontation and then there are so people I just want to smack but won't.

[Guo Xiang]

Definitely not my personality, as much as I admire this mentality.

On some occasions, I hold back to avoid confrontation and then there are so people I just want to smack but won't.

Same here, though confrontation will be inevitable if the same crap happens repeatedly over an extended period.

[ByTmE]

Pretending to be the bigger person? Being the bigger person? In fact, I think that many people are not inclined to "rock the boat" because it's awkward and requires a certain kind of bravery to stand up to our friends [Harry Potter quote]. Some people who know me in real life would say that I'm confrontational, even a troublemaker. However, I've always thought of myself as a "problem solver." I'm scared of confrontation, like deathly afraid, but I always lay my issues out on the table when I have just had it about enough with the other party. Well, I guess, one will never have to wonder if I like or dislike them...

I guess, this does not make me the bigger person, heh?

[Lucre]

Same here, though confrontation will be inevitable if the same crap happens repeatedly over an extended period.

it'll build an immune system, where the same crap has no effect on you anymore.

next time round if you find 'the mutton' disagreeable, remember that it's only trying to trained your tolerance-factor.

[Lucre]

Pretending to be the bigger person? Being the bigger person? In fact, I think that many people are not inclined to "rock the boat" because it's awkward and requires a certain kind of bravery to stand up to our friends [Harry Potter quote]. Some people who know me in real life would say that I'm confrontational, even a troublemaker. However, I've always thought of myself as a "problem solver." I'm scared of confrontation, like deathly afraid, but I always lay my issues out on the table when I have just had it about enough with the other party. Well, I guess, one will never have to wonder if I like or dislike them...

I guess, this does not make me the bigger person, heh?

It's very true, nobody likes to shake things up because it's really easier to keep things as it is. =) But it's probably a personality issue. I have a tendency to 'voice out' if things do not sit well with me.

I don't like to have too many acquaintances, so being a little difficult can filter off some fair-weather-friends.

[kidd]

It's very true, nobody likes to shake things up because it's really easier to keep things as it is. =) But it's probably a personality issue. I have a tendency to 'voice out' if things do not sit well with me.

I don't like to have too many acquaintances, so being a little difficult can filter off some fair-weather-friends.

But then, some confrontation will leave a permanent scar.

[Guo Xiang]

But then, some confrontation will leave a permanent scar.

It will hurt for sometime, of course, but this is life for you. It's like eating; there's going to be all sorts of flavours to it.

But if you handle it well enough, there should be few regrets.

[Ian Liew]

Sometimes confrontation doesn't go as badly as you think it might, depends on your motive. People can smell you out if you genuinely care, or if you're just trying to be smart. A few years ago, tired of a lot of office gossip behind a married friend's back, I decided to speak to him about his relationship with a female colleague and how it was being perceived as being an affair, and that he shouldn't spend so much time alone with her. I told him that I knew why it started (she was transferred to another department during the economic downturn and was depressed, while our department, now shorthanded, was too busy to entertain her when she came round trying to chat with her old friends. This guy, however, was less busy because his projects didn't move as fast, and was the only chap among our circle of friends who would spend time with her to cheer her up), and that nobody starts an affair consciously intending to, and how one thing can lead to another etc.. I really thought I'd lose him as a friend when I decided to speak to him, but he took it very well. He might not have followed the advice or changed his approach one iota, but I think he knew that I cared, and appreciated it.

In the same way, if someone criticises me out of love and genuine care, I might not like the advice, or even listen to it, but I wouldn't hold it against them (unless they constantly and incessantly keep coming, in which case I'd make an effort to avoid them, but I still probably wouldn't think of them in a "ruined-friendship" kind of light, and really, this sort of thing is a character thing, and you probably know this about them before you become good friends anyway. The sort of thing which would really ruin a friendship for me would be betrayal of trust, and.. can't think of any others for now.