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Thread: Domineering Asian Parents

  1. #1
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    Default Domineering Asian Parents

    So I came across this article:
    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1000...528698754.html

    It's very extreme and I'm certain it's not satirical.
    Despite being a mostly Asian forum, I'm guessing we are mostly quite liberal.

    So, do you agree with this domineering academic fixation? Are your parents like this? Do you know people who had parents like this? How do they turn out?

    My experience has been that people who fold to these absurd parental demands end up having no spine, or turn out to be chronic self sacrificing types.

    My dad was groomed to be the best of the best, and by accounts of everyone around him, he is a brilliant man. But he got conscripted into the army and had to immigrate to pursue a better life. He's worked his back off for over 2 decades to send money back, look after our family and laments the future he could have had.

    While I really appreciate what he's done, I personally wouldn't want to live a life like that. I wasn't raised with guilt and filial debt as my birth right. I want to be selfish.

    While this Amy Chua wants her kids to be the best. What really is the best and why does she want it so bad? All answers I know leads to a desire for happiness, but do you really need all that to be happy?

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    Senior Member Guo Xiang's Avatar
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    *blinks* This woman is scary, that's all I have to say.
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    i guess my parents are considered western since i get C's, dont play indstrument, and my sister is in the school play. to an extent, i dont disagree with asian parenting cause they really trying to help u, but overdoing it like 3 hours of piano is a no no. i mean my parents always encouraged me to do well at school and thats the only reason i went to college. i personally hate school. if they hadnt kept encouraging me, id prob end up being one of those street gangs pick pocketing people cause i grew up in a hella ghetto neighborhood.

    as for do we owe our life to our parents, i say yes. if i had to take a bullet for either one of my parents, id do it. i would expect my children to do the same. i guess im liberal for the most part, but pretty conservative regarding this issue.
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    Moderator Ken Cheng's Avatar
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    Isn't the phrase "domineering Asian parents" kind of like "wet water," "hot fire," or "hard diamond?"

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    Senior Member xJadedx's Avatar
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    I read the first paragraph and realized she's full of shit, so I stopped reading.

    But to be perfectly honest, I wish my parents pushed me more to keep playing the piano. Like I really wish I was still good at it. Oh well. I got my bass.
    Because I'm somewhere in between,
    My love and my agony.

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    Senior Member ByTmE's Avatar
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    ^ lol @ Jaded, yeah I skimmed it and was horrified at the crap that caught my eye. haha

    There's a certain level of privilege that needs to be present in the family to allow kids the opportunity to play instruments, study on the weekend, have time for extracurricular activities, and what not. In my family, we had to work when other kids went to soccer or band practice or school plays. No summer vacation for us. My parents were not overly strict per se. That is mostly because either one or both would be absent because they were at their second or third job, particularly my dad. Life is much more comfortable as an adult for me because of their hard work.

    Academically, my mother was very strict, unfortunately [worked in my favor though] she was also ignorant of many things that Amy Chua was well informed of. Thank goodness for that! She was very strict because she was convinced that I'd be led astray at the first opportunity...because I'm easily influenced like that...right. We also weren't allowed to participate in sleepovers and all that primarily because of safety and poverty [couldn't afford buying other kids birthday presents]. For the kids that I grew up with, and myself of course, education meant being able to afford a better lifestyle for ourselves. I guess, that's one form of happiness? The mom sometimes will try to slant my major life decisions, but I'm afraid I have my own ideas of what makes me happy.

    Lastly, the MoM is still ridiculously old fashioned about dating...for me only.
    I like me.

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    Senior Member Candide's Avatar
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    Hey I'm no liberal nor Liberal!

    This Amy Chua sounds like a typical Asian American yuppie libtard to me. Law academic at a Big 10, hard @ss face, no boobs, married to some white herb / kitchen b1tch of a husband, raising daughters to do totally useless things like playing some lame instruments instead of feminine things like cooking, wanting their kids to be weak and bland (not being #1 in gym & drama is OK, but being #1 in everything else is a must).

    While this Amy Chua wants her kids to be the best. What really is the best and why does she want it so bad? All answers I know leads to a desire for happiness, but do you really need all that to be happy?
    She's no different to the typical white Anglo parents being misled by the evil self-esteem movement of the 80s who raised pathetic little sh1ts to become spineless and whiny children in adult bodies. They both suffer from the same thing: living vicariously through their children, because their own lives are as boring as bat sh1t.

    Amy Chua and people like her aren't pursuing happiness. They're pursuing success by aping things that they believe successful people do. Happiness can go get fvcked.

    While I really appreciate what he's done, I personally wouldn't want to live a life like that. I wasn't raised with guilt and filial debt as my birth right. I want to be selfish.
    Being a slave for your family is dumb, but investing in your family and taking care of them is a wise move. My parents investing in their family (i.e my relatives) have paid off big time for me.
    "Anything you can't say NO to is your MASTER, and you are its SLAVE."

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    Moderator kidd's Avatar
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    Well, can't fault her anything when she has success in her track record. I mean, according to her, her kids turn out great (Lulu finally able to play that music piece) while Western parenting churn out kids with low self-esteem.

    I wonder how she will feel if one of her daughters throw away everything she has learned and go open a sundry shop. Will she then blame and lament at her daughter for wasting the sacrifices she made for her daughter.

    Just a thought.

    My mom related to me a chinese couple who work very hard to send their son to overseas to study and he came back to open an antique shop (which has nothing to do with what he studied). His parents lamented that they might as well give the money to him to open the shop in the first place.

    I heard another case of how a young man parents force him to study medicine against his wishes. He successfully gotten the degree and then killed himself.

    This one I heard on the radio. There was one very successful musician who did tours and all. Very skilled player. But, he refuse to let his daughter learn the piano. Turns out, although he was successful, actually has no interest in it and he has to work very hard to achieve this level of competence. So, it's not always true that children will turn out to like things they are force ro learn/do after they can do it well.

    But, I do think parents should persevere when it comes to learning an instrument. Piano teacher is in demand. Can make a good living.
    I wish I have not given up on my organ playing when I was a kid.
    Last edited by kidd; 01-10-11 at 10:35 PM.
    什麼是朋友?朋友永遠是在你犯下不可原諒錯誤的時候,仍舊站在你那邊的笨蛋。~ 王亞瑟

    和諧唔係一百個人講同一番話,係一百個人有一百句唔同嘅說話,而又互相尊重 ~ - 葉梓恩

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    Senior Member xJadedx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Candide View Post
    Amy Chua and people like her aren't pursuing happiness. They're pursuing success by aping things that they believe successful people do. Happiness can go get fvcked.
    Well, she did only mention that she wants her kids to be "successful," whatever that even means, not happy.

    Who the heck are you quoting, by the way?

    Anyway, I actually had the time to read the article in full. What bothered me wasn't as much her ridiculous "parenting" techniques (her husband's a total tool by the way for letting her get away with everything), since any rational person can tell she's talking out of her ***. What bothered me was the pride she was taking in describing how she'd employ these methods, like she's some messed up sadist, and not even the good kind.
    Because I'm somewhere in between,
    My love and my agony.

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    Moderator kidd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by xJadedx View Post
    Anyway, I actually had the time to read the article in full. What bothered me wasn't as much her ridiculous "parenting" techniques (her husband's a total tool by the way for letting her get away with everything), since any rational person can tell she's talking out of her ***. What bothered me was the pride she was taking in describing how she'd employ these methods, like she's some messed up sadist, and not even the good kind.
    Yes, I feel disturb by this too. But she has the good track record to prove it like how her Lulu finally able to play the piano piece and how they 'snuggled and hugged, cracking' at night after that. She has the success to prove to herself that what she did was right. It's only logical that she will feel prideful. And then, she related how the children that grew up under Western parenting has self-esteem issue. This reinforced in her that she's on the right track.
    什麼是朋友?朋友永遠是在你犯下不可原諒錯誤的時候,仍舊站在你那邊的笨蛋。~ 王亞瑟

    和諧唔係一百個人講同一番話,係一百個人有一百句唔同嘅說話,而又互相尊重 ~ - 葉梓恩

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    Moderator kidd's Avatar
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    Reading the comments generated by the article. This comment in cute. How old is grade 4? Sorry, the education system in my country is different, so, I don't know what age goes to what grade.

    Shutao Cao:
    I'm a girl from grade 4. I think that you should let your daughters join school plays because this helps them express themselves more often.
    Last edited by kidd; 01-10-11 at 11:47 PM.
    什麼是朋友?朋友永遠是在你犯下不可原諒錯誤的時候,仍舊站在你那邊的笨蛋。~ 王亞瑟

    和諧唔係一百個人講同一番話,係一百個人有一百句唔同嘅說話,而又互相尊重 ~ - 葉梓恩

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    Quote Originally Posted by kidd View Post
    Yes, I feel disturb by this too. But she has the good track record to prove it like how her Lulu finally able to play the piano piece and how they 'snuggled and hugged, cracking' at night after that. She has the success to prove to herself that what she did was right. It's only logical that she will feel prideful. And then, she related how the children that grew up under Western parenting has self-esteem issue. This reinforced in her that she's on the right track.
    Oh big whoop so her daughter played in Carnegie hall. I take issue with her calling her parenting style "chinese" It's almost like she's marketing it Rich Dad Poor Dad style. And that she thinks it's superior. I have a feeling her daughters will alienate themselves to everyone they come in contact with. Just like how she did at that dinner party.

    Grade 4 is about 10 years old.

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    Senior Member xJadedx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kidd View Post
    Yes, I feel disturb by this too. But she has the good track record to prove it like how her Lulu finally able to play the piano piece and how they 'snuggled and hugged, cracking' at night after that. She has the success to prove to herself that what she did was right. It's only logical that she will feel prideful. And then, she related how the children that grew up under Western parenting has self-esteem issue. This reinforced in her that she's on the right track.
    First of all, her daughter probably would've learned to play that piece eventually anyway, if she was already that good to begin with. She did not need the abuse from the mother to learn the piece. As for the hugging and snuggling - please, abused women often go back to their husbands/boyfriends, but that by no means somehow makes it ok or shows that their relationship is a healthy one. Essentially, her daughter at that young age will still go to her mother, even if the mother is a *****, because the child doesn't have that many other people to turn to. But trust me that as she ages, the child will resent her mother and eventually the mother will lose the love of her child. As for her comparisons to Western parenting - she gave no proper evidence that her parenting method is superior. Anecdotal evidence from herself is not worth anything. She cannot generalize to a culture. The next day, Warren Buffett's dad could write an article about his parenting style (which is probably very different from Chua's) and then claim that Western parenting is more effective, given that Buffett is like fifty times more successful than Chua or her daughters. Her own stories only apply to herself, and barely even that, because I have a strong feeling her daughters and her will not have a healthy relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Banh Mi View Post
    Oh big whoop so her daughter played in Carnegie hall. I take issue with her calling her parenting style "chinese" It's almost like she's marketing it Rich Dad Poor Dad style. And that she thinks it's superior. I have a feeling her daughters will alienate themselves to everyone they come in contact with. Just like how she did at that dinner party.

    Grade 4 is about 10 years old.
    Pretty much this. Or her kids will eventually develop psychopathologies. Like she can delude herself into thinking just how successful her kids are and how great she is as a mom, but truth is, she is not.
    Because I'm somewhere in between,
    My love and my agony.

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    Senior Member Candide's Avatar
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    I wonder if chicks with mummy issues are as easy as the ones with daddy issues...
    "Anything you can't say NO to is your MASTER, and you are its SLAVE."

    "I disapprove of what I say, but I will defend to the death my right to say it."

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    yeah, my parents, mostly my mom, was quite domineering when i was young. not to that crazy *****'s extent in the article but it was still a living hell for me for certain situations.. but i'm KINDA glad my mom was strict now that i think of it.. except for what's so bad about me attending my friend's birthday party or going to my friend's house over the weekend!??! because of that, i swear i have social problems as i got older, hah.. :/ but thank god i was smart enough to push myself out of the socially awkward phase... still kinda am but it's ok. my mom still thinks she can rule me but it doesn't matter, not like she's going to be 'raising' me anymore. my rich husband will feed me.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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    Senior Member xJadedx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Candide View Post
    I wonder if chicks with mummy issues are as easy as the ones with daddy issues...
    There is really only one way to find out.
    Because I'm somewhere in between,
    My love and my agony.

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    Senior Member PJ's Avatar
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    Haha, a coworker just sent me this link.

    As I told him: "I will be advocating how to reverse this cultural syndrome of academia-centric, neglect-everything-else parenting!"
    忽见柳荫下两个小孩子在哀哀痛哭,瞧模样正是武敦儒、武修文兄弟。郭芙大声叫道:「喂,你们在干甚麽?」武 修文回头见是郭芙,哭道:「我们在哭,你不见麽?」

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    Senior Member Ian Liew's Avatar
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    A balance is probably the best way. Different kids respond to different methods, and to assume that there's one method which works for all children is just lazy. This woman sounds horrible, although she probably knows her daughter better than the rest of us do. Sometimes as a parent we know our children's character, and how certain threats/approaches/encouragement can generate certain results. She's perfectly within her rights to train Lulu the way she did, but to assume that the approach will work for all kids and that the episode should be a model for other parents is just wrong. The West does have it at the other extreme, though - my colleague migrated to the UK, and one day caned his kid for something really bad. The next day his kid told his teachers in school and the social welfare people almost did him in for child abuse - that's the price you pay for migrating there, I guess, but it just shows how different societies function.

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    Senior Member Exodus's Avatar
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    I think it's better to have dominant parents that helps to motiviate their children to pursue their goals in life. Im working with chinese students in group assignments and most of them are LAZY just want to play games and relax. Either that or totally incompetant. I gave one groupmember an example of calculations on excel all very simple subraction and the guy don't know how to do it!!!Since they don't work or just copy from the internet it ends up that i have to do most of the work, while we all get the same mark.

    If they students i have meet are any representative for the ordinary chinese then China is pretty much screwed up.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Candide's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by xJadedx View Post
    There is really only one way to find out.
    Note to self: should try dating banana yuppie Asian chicks, who are most likely to have mummy issues.

    Exodus: the will to learn has to come from natural curiosity and hunger within oneself, not from the arse-kicking parents. Else you'll just end up with a robot.

    It's also entirely possible that those same kids might have domineering parents (who are quickly losing their power over them) who forced them to study something they have no interest in. Hence the kids are "fighting" back by making sure that they waste their parents' investment in them.
    "Anything you can't say NO to is your MASTER, and you are its SLAVE."

    "I disapprove of what I say, but I will defend to the death my right to say it."

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