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Thread: Move out or put up with roommate?

  1. #1
    Senior Member GuGu's Avatar
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    Question Move out or put up with roommate?

    Okay, I have a cousin who started college last fall. She moved to where the college was, which is about an hour and a half away from her parents. She and a friend from high school rented an apartment together. They've never lived together before but have done many sleepovers at each other's house and hung out almost everyday during high school. They're both fairly matured kids and know their own responsibilities.

    The problem that my cousin called me about a few months ago was.... food. Yes, food. They get along great, they both like the same things, have the same taste in home decor and everything but the one thing that gets to her is food.

    They're both Asians and eat the same thing, but it's that her roommate can't cook. My cousin knew even before they moved in that she would be doing most of the cooking, and she's fine with it but expected her roommate to contribute in other ways so that it wasn't just her that was in the kitchen. My cousin said that at first she would kind of teach her how to cook so that they'd be doing things together. But after awhile it somehow became weird after they stopped going to the grocery store together. When they first moved in they would go shopping together and split the cost of groceries down the middle.

    Well that's not the case anymore now, because they've somehow come to the point where it's like this side of the fridge is yours and this side is mine. She said they never spoke about it but they just knew to keep things on their own side. So she figured that okay, since they were shopping alone she figured she'd only cook for herself. But her roommate didn't see it that way. She still eats the food that my cousin cooks without helping in the kitchen besides washing the dishes that she used.

    My cousin is a little frustrated and asked me how she should deal with this. I told her to tall to her about it and she told me that a few days ago when she cooked and was eating at the table her roommate came and sat at the table with her laptop and was like 'are you going to eat alone?' My cousin said she felt so guilty but she told her 'well you didn't help me cook, did you?' Even after she said that her roommate went and got the food my cousin cooked and ate it. My cousin didn't say anything to her, of course she's not going to say you can't eat it. She's a super nice person and I do feel now that she's getting taken advantage of, even though she doesn't mind that she cooks, she at least wants her roommate to help her prepare the ingredients or wash the plates and cookware after they're done eating. I don't think she wants to lose this friend, because she's a great roommate in all other ways.

    All I could tell her was that she could just cook and right away put the other half that she couldn't finish into the fridge, all packed up, on her side. I don't know if it'll work or not. But this story reminded me of that story... about that chicken planting wheat and harvesting wheat and then baking bread, and one of her friend didn't help her out and at the end that friend didn't get the bread. I forgot the name of the story. -__-

    And if she can't figure this out by the end of June then she's going to find a new roommate or just live on her own, which she doesn't want to do because she'll be paying for an apartment by herself. And plus it's safer if she lived with someone.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Dirt's Avatar
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    Move out. They're young. They'll get over it.

  3. #3
    Senior Member ByTmE's Avatar
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    I had a roommate from hell once. She used to count her cucumbers. No shite. And I paid more for food but she ate most of it...

    The friend is taking advantage of your cousin financially and emotionally. This is potentially a manipulative witch. Especially that whole session with the little chit haulin' in her laptop to ask [confront] your poor cousin 'bout "eating alone." She's not afraid of standing up for herself. Does your cousin eat the other girl's food or prepare it for them both to eat? If so, she needs to stop. If she wants to stay with this friend, then she's going to have to make it cut and dry about finances and "mines vs. yours." I have no tolerance for people or situations such as this.

    Some people make great friends but terrible roommates. If your cousin cooks, then her friend should clean. Never share grocery bills. It kills relationships.
    I like me.

  4. #4
    Senior Member kay &!*'s Avatar
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    Seriously, just talk to the roommate about it.
    Catch her when she's chillaxin' and be like "hey.. can we talk?" and tell your cousin to say exactly how she feels about the situation. She wants to maintain the friendship, so the best way is to deal with it asap instead of bottling everything up inside.. I'm speaking from experience btw because I actually had the same exact thing happened to me.
    Putting the other half of food on 'your side' won't do anything; the girl already didn't get the message when your cousin blatantly said "she didn't help" so what's a subtle move going to do?
    So yeahhh, just confront. Now til June is a long way, unless your cousin doesn't mind putting up with this financially for 2 more months.
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

  5. #5
    Senior Member GuGu's Avatar
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    yeah, i understand what you guys all mean. i told her to find a good time to talk to her but she doesn't know what to say without having it turned into a big thing between them. even if they agree to it or whatever they'd still hang on to the feeling of something like that happening, if not communicated in the right way.

    and no, my cousin never touches her friend's food or anything on the other side of the fridge. and her friend doesn't touch her stuff either, it's just when she cooks and leaves it out on the stove then her friend will eat it without asking or in some cases just get rice and come sit and eat with her without her invite. she said she used to call her friend to come eat in the beginning but when she started to feel that it wasn't fair, she stopped calling her. she felt that if she wants to eat with her then she should make it fair and do the cleaning, at least of the kitchen. as far as buying groceries she doesn't care if her friend doesn't contribute financially. she just wants her friend to physically help out so that she's not the only one doing it.

    and i asked her how many dishes and pots and pans we're talking about. generally it's just the pot or pan, 2 bowls, 2 plates, and utensils. my cousin is a pretty clean person and cleans up as she cooks so the counter and everything is all clean, it's just the dishes and wiping up the stove after they're done. so it'll take 10-15minutes at most. to me, i think that's a pretty fair deal. one cooks and the other cleans.

    regarding the june deadline, their apartment contract is up in june because that was the month they moved up there together and got that apartment. so in june they have to decide if they are going to continue living there for another year or find a new place. her friend is thinking that they're still going to stick together, unless my cousin comes up with a reason. then it'll screw them both up in a way because they'd both have to find new roommates or pay the rent on their own.
    Last edited by GuGu; 04-02-10 at 08:48 PM.

  6. #6
    Senior Member ByTmE's Avatar
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    Ok, I was a little frank in my first post. That's because my roommate was not only taking advantage of me financially, but she was also taking credit for [i.e. stealing] my intellectual work and volunteer program.

    I'm sure we all knew that your poor cousin needed to communicate with her friend how she felt about this. The real predicament though is how to go about it. If they are tried and true/in it for the long haul, it will work out in the end.

    This is how I would go about it in my head:

    ::AHEM:: I do this pretty often, scripting conversations in my head...

    GuGu's Cousin: GC
    Roommate: RM

    Scenario: For the last few weeks, GC had been dropping hints for RM that she was getting tired of RM's lackluster approach towards sharing domestic chores. Actually, it was not even domestic chore[s], it was RM's inability to clean up after her damn self after they sat down to grub as good roommates do. GC was of mind that if she cooked, than RM should clean...oh but how to go about this when the latter was clearly lacking in sincerity and thoughtfulness...and possibly common courtesy.

    Setting: The Dining Table
    GC: RM! Dinner! [as she is won't to do because she's a kind soul]

    Though a warm meal was ready and served before her, RM begrudgingly hoisted herself into vertical position. Dragging her feet with laptop in hand, she made way towards the dinner table and a smiling GC.

    GC: Tired?

    RM: Hm. Bit.

    GC: Me too. Dang girl, you should've of seen the line at [insert grocery store] today! I was exhausted just looking at the people in front of me. Anyway, I cooked [insert food], hope it tastes alright, I was a bit bleary eyed from exhaustion while preparing it. [smile] Oh yeah, I saw a sale on disposable plates today, it was only $3.99 for 50 [made up figure]. How do you feel about DIXIE brand UltraStrong in Red?

    RM slowly turned towards GC ala Linda Blair from "The Exorcist."

    RM: ::blinks twice:: We need paper plates...why?

    GC: [smile] ::shrugs:: iuno...maybe I'm tired of washing dishes after cooking for us? Wouldn't you? I figured that disposable plates, though bad for the environment, would be more convenient since neither of us want to clean up after a meal. In my family, my mama cooked everyday after work no matter how tired she was. Then after the meal, my dad's job was to wash the dishes, pots, or pans. And kids would wipe the table down...

    RM: OH [if she still doesn't get it or for extra added effect]...

    GC: Dude! My mom's strict on manners, yo! [Is this how kids talk nowadays?] Once my Dad went away for business [whatever], so our dishwasher disappeared. It never occured to any of us how lucky we were that my mom cooked and dad cleaned, until mom was left by herself to cook AND clean! [laugh] My mom got so fed up with us for not picking up after she made the meal, that we were treated to paper plates made out of recycled paper to eat with until our dad returned. Not cool with soupy dishes...[smile]...or greasy food...so you like RED? Maybe I'll buy them in bulk for when we have friends over. They have them in WHITE and FLORAL too, you want to go pick them out with me next time you're up for grocery shopping? You haven't done that in a long time either.

    RM:...I guess I can do the dishes? [best possible answer] versus ...Are you trying to tell me something? <-----If this should happen....

    GC: [make eye contact, don't forget to smile] Yes, you need to do the damn cleaning because I cooked. [lose eye contact, keep smiling] Oh, and I'd like to discuss about next year's housing plan to see if you still want to live with me then. But...it's okay you must eat first! [smile]

    The End
    Fade to Black


    ...yes, I've got some time on my hands. My parents are mad at me 'cause I won't go to visit my favorite uncle after he told them he missed me. I'm just not up for it, but I feel pretty bad so can't take a nap. My English is deteriorating as a result.
    I like me.

  7. #7
    Senior Member GuGu's Avatar
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    ^ ummm actually, there was a couple of months where the roommate was using disposable plates and cups. and that's not the issue anyways, my cousin wants her to wash the pots and pans and the plates at the table that was used for serving.

  8. #8
    Senior Member ByTmE's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GuGu View Post
    ^ ummm actually, there was a couple of months where the roommate was using disposable plates and cups. and that's not the issue anyways, my cousin wants her to wash the pots and pans and the plates at the table that was used for serving.
    OH-MY-GAWD! hahahahaha LOL that's so funny! I'm sorry, there's no hope.
    I like me.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Dirt's Avatar
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    Move out. They're young. They'll get over it.

  10. #10
    Senior Member pemberly's Avatar
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    yeah, i'd suggest get another roommate as well. this will give them both opportunities to meet other ppl or get to know other ppl better.

    as far as roommate probs go, this one is pretty mild though. i used to come home, and there'd be a naked dude in there. a dude i'd never want to see naked.

    the girls across the hall from me had a roommate who used to leave her dirty underwear in the middle of the floor.
    nytimes: Every hr you have 10 minutes where you’re not doing anything productive at work, & you can’t look at porn. So you make a comment & fulfill this desire to show yourself off as a smarty-pants.

  11. #11
    Senior Member GuGu's Avatar
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    but they're very good friends. actually, that's my cousin's closest friend. wouldn't it be weird if she went out and asked someone else to be her roommate?

  12. #12
    Senior Member Lady Zhuge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GuGu View Post
    but they're very good friends. actually, that's my cousin's closest friend. wouldn't it be weird if she went out and asked someone else to be her roommate?
    If they want to continue being very good friends, all the more reason to move out now.

  13. #13
    Senior Member GuGu's Avatar
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    yeah, us as adults understand that. but they're still so young and think that best friends should live together.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Dirt's Avatar
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    There is nobody in this world I love more than my sibling and through the years we grew up and we moved out. Obviously, when we were young, we had no choice but to live together but we had our mother and father to be arbiters of what is and what isn't (and my mom did all the cooking). But we would probably plot each other's demise should we ever have to live together again.

    Move out. They're young. They'll get over it. They may even appreciate hanging out with each other more. And 10 years from now, they'll laugh about it.
    Last edited by Dirt; 04-06-10 at 05:36 PM.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Lady Zhuge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GuGu View Post
    yeah, us as adults understand that. but their still so young and think that best friends should live together.
    But you're speaking as though you agree with their thought process. You as the adult should knock some sense into them before they end up learning things the hard way. Or you can just let them learn things the hard way (then tell your cousin "told ya so") and they might remember the lesson better.

  16. #16
    Senior Member GuGu's Avatar
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    yeah, i'll tell her that.

    if she follows my suggestions and they get mad at each other then i'm going to blame you guys for it!

  17. #17
    Senior Member Lady Zhuge's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GuGu View Post
    yeah, i'll tell her that.

    if she follows my suggestions and they get mad at each other then i'm going to blame you guys for it!
    In the short-term there will probably be some awkward moments, but if their friendship is true, it should be able to endure this test. If it doesn't survive, I would question how real their friendship was in the first place. Just based on what you've described in the first post, your cousin's friend sounds like a self-absorbed leech - maybe fun to go shopping with, but not to live with.

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