I have a question with no title.

[ByTmE]

Okay. This is actually a question that has to do with me personally. Since I don't know what to do, I thought I'd ask for all your thoughts. I have a few relatives [one whole side of a family, actually except for a single uncle] that is not interested in talking to me or my family [except for my Dad]. My father's brother still invites us over for the holidays, but I'm pretty sure that my paternal cousins aren't supposed to talk to me either... even on Facebook. I have never seen any of my cousins during the holidays either...for the past decade, actually. Is it right for me to just stop treating them as being my relatives? I mean, if you don't want to be friends with someone any longer, you simply stop talking to them and the friendship ends. Could this also apply for relatives that don't want to be related to one another?

This is a terrible situation to be in, especially for my dad, but it's not uncommon and unfortunately it is the reality in our family. Thus far, I have decided to remain cordial if I see them in person [they're not always so] but quite frankly, I'm not interested in keeping up the appearance of being a happy family...because that's fake, but I do it out of love for my dad. Should I just be a big girl and keep pretending I care about them? I don't care about them, I only care about my dad.

Oh BTW I used to be close to this side of the family growing up..but it seems like they don't like the person that I've grown up to be, with the exception of said uncle...so I am a little hurt.

[kidd]

If it's me, I would just keep up the appearance for my dad. I don't see them often anyway. I only need to pretend for a short while.

You don't need to be all friendly. Being cordial is enough.

[Ren Ying Ying]

The only "naturally" special thing about family members is that you share genes with them. The "special bond" of family is founded by the special care for each other.

Take for example, if you were thrown away thrown away after you were born and then adopted, are you still obligated to be nice and take care of your birth parents?

Of course, your father's feelings would complicate things. It is really a matter of how much your father's feelings mean to you. Is it enough for you to throw away your pride and pretend to care? If so, then think of it as caring for your father instead of caring for the rest of them.

[Guo Xiang]

Why aren't they supposed to talk to you? That's a strange way of putting it. Sounds complicated.

Certainly you do not have to go out of your way to talk to them or something but you can just be cordial.

My cousins and I aren't close too. The only times we meet are only during the Chinese New Year but even then we don't talk to each other. But if we happen to meet gaze or exchange a greeting or two, we'd just nod at each other and smile. But of course that doesn't mean we really give a **** about each other. LOL I guess at the end of the day, it really lies down to the below reasons:

1) We are relatives after all.
2) Keeping up the appearances.

No.2 sounds superficial and flaky but at least it keeps the peace and harmony, and doesn't distress the elder members of the family.

[ByTmE]

My cousins are not supposed to talk to me because there is strained relationship between their moms and my mom... While I sort of wish that the relationships between the MoMs wouldn't affect ours...it has. I guess I can still treat them in a cordial and impersonal way since I've gotten pretty used to being that way. I am by nature a fairly straight forward person, so it eats at me inside to "pretend". I'd rather not have to keep up appearances. However, out of love for my Dad, I have not said anything about how I honestly feel about his relatives. I foresee attempts made on his part to reach out to them in the near future though. Perhaps I will only "cross that bridge" when I'm truly forced to.

I used to think that since there were so many problems in a large family like mine, I'd be doing a great service by not having children and bringing them into this world to inherit relatives I'd rather not be related to. I'd rather not let any of them have to walk the same paths I have. However, now I think a little bit differently. I could not choose the family that I was born into...so I will just deal. I will not let their mistakes hinder me in creating my own family because I will be choosing my own spouse and instilling in my own children my values and not theirs. I would not pit my children against their cousins to see who turns out the best.

But I do wonder if I should work to mend our relationships or not? Of course, being able to do so requires their willingness too. Maybe I'm over thinking this.

[remember_Cedric]

Is it right for me to just stop treating them as being my relatives? I mean, if you don't want to be friends with someone any longer, you simply stop talking to them and the friendship ends. Could this also apply for relatives that don't want to be related to one another?

I agree with Yingying. In blood and by genes, you're related to a relative, which is what that differentiates a friend from a relative. Friends are by choice while relatives are no choice.

It is one of the ways of being selfless, if you could do it out of love for your Dad and put down your principles. Ask yourself: Which one would you give priority to when two cannot co-exist -- your Dad's feeling or your principles? Holding your opinion about how you feel about those relatives would help to prevent things from turning worse -- you're doing it for your family, (and the greater good, in a way) preventing the relatives tongue from wagging, in my opinion. Though you're free to cuss them under the table , j/k.

I used to think that since there were so many problems in a large family like mine, I'd be doing a great service by not having children and bringing them into this world to inherit relatives I'd rather not be related to. I'd rather not let any of them have to walk the same paths I have. However, now I think a little bit differently. I could not choose the family that I was born into...so I will just deal. I will not let their mistakes hinder me in creating my own family because I will be choosing my own spouse and instilling in my own children my values and not theirs. I would not pit my children against their cousins to see who turns out the best.

Yeah, you don't have to sacrifice your future happiness because of those relatives.

But I do wonder if I should work to mend our relationships or not? Of course, being able to do so requires their willingness too. Maybe I'm over thinking this.

Whether it should work or not, you could do your part and give it a try. Even if it did not work *touch wood* at least you tried, made an attempt to reconcile. It certainly takes two sides to tango. It's destiny (I think) that you're relatives; extended family to each other -- work to make it better, why not.