Thank you all who are about to sacrifice a piece of their life to help me.
I moved from the east coast to the midwest 5 years ago cause my mom wanted to move in with her boyfriend. A year later:
I met the girl in my senior year of high school, she was a freshman, also a neighbor of mine (apartments) and we rode the bus together every morning from fall to winter.
I initially did not have any interest in her and thought she was just another White, dumb, spoiled, blonde bimbo. When she gave me advice on how to get away from my mom's boyfriend (mom and him get into arguments a lot) she immediately earned my respect.
She (lets call her Linda) and this other neighbor girl used to walk a few blocks away just to ride on another school bus because the bus that picks us up near our house was really crowded. One dark starry morning, Linda walked alone to that side and a truck hit her and she broke her leg. I didn't see her again for a few weeks. The neighbor girl didn't know or didn't want to tell me what was going on.
When Linda got back, she was on crutches. I remembered being so stupid that I asked her if she would like to come with me to ride the other bus down the block. She declined and told me to be careful because I was wearing dark clothing. Those were such sweet words. I haven't heard her voice for so long and I think it's fading. But at the time, I was not even remotely attracted.
One morning while sitting and waiting for the bus (we got a new bus with more room), Linda offered me some chips she was eating. I declined but not politely enough. If only I knew what I know now I would have asked her out or befriended her then and there.
One morning, Linda was standing in the rain all wet but I arrived with my umbrella and for about 5 minutes we stood there together. She said "thanks"; I didn't say anything, cause I didn't like her and was only doing a "nice" deed.
That neighbor girl arrived after and got under the umbrella, too. I would always let the girls unto the bus before myself but just for that day, I rushed up first.
In early Spring, Linda and her family were packing up. I came home one day to see her rearranging things in the truck and asked her when she was leaving. She said "Tomorrow". That's when her dad/uncle or something came out and yelled at Linda "Don't f%$&in sit on that!"
That's when I ran back home. lol.
I added Linda on Facebook sometime afterward. She only had a few friends.
A month before I graduated, I saw Linda for the very last time. I called her name and she smiled and greeted me but I walked in the opposite direction too quickly.
In college, on facebook, I enjoyed looking at the pictures she took. She's really great with the camera. As I read hers and her friends' comments I started to like these people and thought they were fun. In those four years, I watched as this child grew into a beautiful woman.
The 3rd year of watching Linda's activity was when I became truly obsessed.
After deactivating my Facebook, I then found her profile on Formspring, I set up my own account as an "admiration" page. She got freaked out and deleted her account. I never made that mistake again. Now, I watch her activities on Twitter but will just leave it at that.
I have never seen a blonde girl as pretty as she is. I recently saw pictures of her at prom (after reactivating my Facebook), and seeing her in that dress and hairdo was bitterly overwhelming. I felt like crying because I don't know how to reach her or if I'll ever have her someday. I feel as though her beauty would be wasted on some alpha jerks. These feelings have also motivated me to do better at school so I could become rich someday to take her but I'm afraid that I'm motivated for the wrong reasons.
I feel a bit better asking about it here. What should I do, now and in the long-term?
And thank you so much again for your patience to read all of that.