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Thread: 盘龙 - Coiling Dragon, by I Eat Tomatoes (我吃西红柿) - NO SPOILERS!!!

  1. #61
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    Thanks Ren Wo Xing!

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    Thanks RWX

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    Senior Member he-man's Avatar
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    thank you, Ren. I find it much less taxing to read an English translation of this novel than to read the original. Those sinicized Western names give me a headache.

    Things are gonna go down in a couple of chapters!!!
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    Thank you for all your hardwork!!! I must say the English twist was unexpected & made remembering things easier. Also I greatly respect you for all your hard work and apologize in advance if any of the following is offending. Please accept my humble suggestions below.

    1st Page:
    Word Choice
    If you are a man, then you must raise your breast high, welcome any and all challenges, and fear nothing!
    If you are a man, then you must raise your chest high, welcome any and all challenges, and fear nothing!
    Breasts are used in context of females, animal part - as food, and in context of warmth/intimacy/social connection. Here there is a tone of pride, which chest would better portray

    Question: Was hadley really described as having blond hair in the original work? This would imply the continent has a mixed ethnicity population...that its not homogenous.

    Tone Recommendations:
    #1
    Hogg proudly said, Our ancestral heirloom the warblade, Slaughterer.
    Slaughterer is functioning more as an adjective than a noun here since it is derived from the verb slaughter. In the sentence we want the name of the war blade to function as a noun & in order to do this I would suggest using the chinese name in English letters. I'm not sure if that's the right solution, you may find a more creative solution; however by using slaughterer the tone of the entire sentence changes. Not only is it awkward, but it fosters undertones that indicate a novice writer wrote this book.
    Hogg proudly said, Our ancestral heirloom the warblade, Xenia.
    Here I made up the word Xenia which functions as a noun, thus raising the overall quality of the read.
    #2
    The use of the word Saint (see link for dictionary definition) is more strongly correlated with virtue and good deeds rather than heavenly (greater than mortal) characteristic. Celestial (link shows synonyms) might be a more appropriate word choice. He-Man went with divine in Stellar Transformation.


    Again I did not mean to be disrespectful and greatly appreciate your translations. Please let me know if comments like the ones above are unwelcoming and I will refrain from doing so in the future. Also I do not wish to focus upon details if it decreases your enthusiasm for translating the work. Just translating itself is something amazing, for without your contribution we (English speakers) are helpless.
    Last edited by ptsome110; 06-11-14 at 08:42 PM.

  5. #65
    Moderator Ren Wo Xing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by he-man View Post
    thank you, Ren. I find it much less taxing to read an English translation of this novel than to read the original. Those sinicized Western names give me a headache.

    Things are gonna go down in a couple of chapters!!!
    I feel the same way re the names; I spend more time than I expected double-checking the sinicized Western names to make sure I got them right!
    Read the latest chapters of Coiling Dragon at Wuxia World!

  6. #66
    Moderator Ren Wo Xing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ptsome110 View Post
    Thank you for all your hardwork!!! I must say the English twist was unexpected & made remembering things easier. Also I greatly respect you for all your hard work and apologize in advance if any of the following is offending. Please accept my humble suggestions below.

    1st Page:
    Word Choice
    If you are a man, then you must raise your breast high, welcome any and all challenges, and fear nothing!
    If you are a man, then you must raise your chest high, welcome any and all challenges, and fear nothing!
    Breasts are used in context of females, animal part - as food, and in context of warmth/intimacy/social connection. Here there is a tone of pride, which chest would better portray

    Question: Was hadley really described as having blond hair in the original work? This would imply the continent has a mixed ethnicity population...that its not homogenous.

    Tone Recommendations:
    #1
    Hogg proudly said, Our ancestral heirloom the warblade, Slaughterer.
    Slaughterer is functioning more as an adjective than a noun here since it is derived from the verb slaughter. In the sentence we want the name of the war blade to function as a noun & in order to do this I would suggest using the chinese name in English letters. I'm not sure if that's the right solution, you may find a more creative solution; however by using slaughterer the tone of the entire sentence changes. Not only is it awkward, but it fosters undertones that indicate a novice writer wrote this book.
    Hogg proudly said, Our ancestral heirloom the warblade, Xenia.
    Here I made up the word Xenia which functions as a noun, thus raising the overall quality of the read.
    #2
    The use of the word Saint (see link for dictionary definition) is more strongly correlated with virtue and good deeds rather than heavenly (greater than mortal) characteristic. Celestial (link shows synonyms) might be a more appropriate word choice. He-Man went with divine in Stellar Transformation.


    Again I did not mean to be disrespectful and greatly appreciate your translations. Please let me know if comments like the ones above are unwelcoming and I will refrain from doing so in the future. Also I do not wish to focus upon details if it decreases your enthusiasm for translating the work. Just translating itself is something amazing, for without your contribution we (English speakers) are helpless.
    1) I think you are right re breast vs chest. I was thinking more old English ('smote on the breast'), but chest is more apropos in modern English.

    2) Hadley was specifically described as having 'golden' hair. This is definitely a multi-ethnic society.

    3) The characters used for the blade was '杀戮', a verb which literally means 'to slaughter'. For stylistic purposes, as you noted, I changed it to a noun. Since the blade has a specific name with a specific meaning, something common in fantasy, I believe translating it is better.

    4) He-Man went with the term 'divine' because different characters were used in Chinese (神兽, divine beast, or 修仙, cultivating [to be] immortal). The character used in this novel was 圣; literally, holy, sacred, or saint. I decided to go with saint because the usage of the character 圣 most closely correlates to a famous anime which you might have heard of; Saint Seiya, aka 圣斗士星矢 (lit. Saint Warrior Seiya).

    I do not mind your comments at all. Thanks!
    Read the latest chapters of Coiling Dragon at Wuxia World!

  7. #67
    Senior Member kaister's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ren Wo Xing View Post
    3) The characters used for the blade was '杀戮', a verb which literally means 'to slaughter'. For stylistic purposes, as you noted, I changed it to a noun. Since the blade has a specific name with a specific meaning, something common in fantasy, I believe translating it is better.
    Ahh, translating name is always a *****. It's hard to translate some of these names without it ending up sounding funny or awkward. I think as a translator you just have to pick one you feel strongly about. Though sometimes I have no clue and prefer having the community decide what's the best.

    I rely on Chinese-English translator, Chinese dictionary, and sometimes thesaurus to help me find a translation of the Chinese text.

    This is what I found regarding 杀戮 (shalu):

    杀害(多指大量的)which means "killing (mostly referring to large amount)"
    Most Chinese/English translators translate the term as "massacre/slaughter". If you take that Chinese definition on face value, the most correct translation would be "massacre".

    "Massacre" doesn't seem right as a name of the weapon so I can understand why you choose "slaughter" instead.

    However, using a thesaurus, here's what I found:

    Massacre: murder, slaughter, genocide, extermination, carnage, annihilation...etc
    -> genocide and carnage will be hard, but I thought "exterminator" or "annihilator" might have potential

    Slaughter synonym goes back to the same words but through "annihilation", I found more interesting words: decimation, eradication, liquidation, obliteration...etc.
    -> These all could be cool name for a weapon: "decimator", "eradicator", "liquidator", "obliterator", etc...

    Sometimes I like to translate the English word back to Chinese to see what it translate to. Unfortunately, none of these will translate well back to the original term. Sometime I have to ask myself how important it is to be accurate and whether I can live with it being a little off.

    It's really a translator's choice. Ummm...I am glad to be of absolutely NO HELP...LOL.

    By the way, I'm continuing Third Young Master so please check out my translation and would love to hear some critique from you. I've made a decision to jack it from you seeing you have other translation going on =). I only have one chapter posted but already have 6 out of the remaining 9 chapters translated.

    Sorry for hijacking this thread but one thing I'm still struggling with is how to properly translate 夺命十三剑, Yan Shisan's main skill. I'm paying more attention to this because this is a very important skill in the novel.

    I've considered the following:
    Life-Taking Thirteen Sword
    Life-Stealing Thirteen Sword
    Soul-Snatching Thirteen Sword
    etc.

    Also, I'm going back and forth on whether to add the word "stances" to it, calling it "sword stances" would be more correct because it's really a skill. On the other hand, if the original text never explicitly have the word "stance" in it then should I really translate it as "sword stances"?

    I love to hear what is your's or anyone's opinion on this.
    Last edited by kaister; 06-12-14 at 04:34 AM. Reason: typo

  8. #68
    Senior Member deathblade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ren Wo Xing View Post
    1) I think you are right re breast vs chest. I was thinking more old English ('smote on the breast'), but chest is more apropos in modern English.

    3) The characters used for the blade was '杀戮', a verb which literally means 'to slaughter'. For stylistic purposes, as you noted, I changed it to a noun. Since the blade has a specific name with a specific meaning, something common in fantasy, I believe translating it is better.
    1) I think breast is perfectly acceptable if you're using more literary English.

    3) I think Slaughterer is great. Definitely no pinyin. The original Chinese carries feeling to the reader, pinyin carries no feeling whatsoever to the reader.
    Current Translation: I Shall Seal the Heavens
    Recommended Translation: Heroes Shed No Tears

  9. #69
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    Man, this thread makes me feel like I'm talking with the greatest. It has the translators of my favorite wuxia...

    Stellar Transformation
    Coiled Dragon
    Kung Fu

  10. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by kaister View Post
    By the way, I'm continuing Third Young Master so please check out my translation and would love to hear some critique from you. I've made a decision to jack it from you seeing you have other translation going on =). I only have one chapter posted but already have 6 out of the remaining 9 chapters translated.

    Sorry for hijacking this thread but one thing I'm still struggling with is how to properly translate 夺命十三剑, Yan Shisan's main skill. I'm paying more attention to this because this is a very important skill in the novel.

    I've considered the following:
    Life-Taking Thirteen Sword
    Life-Stealing Thirteen Sword
    Soul-Snatching Thirteen Sword
    etc.

    Also, I'm going back and forth on whether to add the word "stances" to it, calling it "sword stances" would be more correct because it's really a skill. On the other hand, if the original text never explicitly have the word "stance" in it then should I explicitly translate it as "sword stances"?

    I love to hear what's your's or anyone's thought on this.
    Bravo on your continuation of SSYDJ!

    RE Duoming 13 Jian, the reason I used Life-Snatching Thirteen Swords was because soul would be 灵, not 命 which is explicitly life. The character 夺 has the subtext of not only taking, but taking forcibly, rather than stealing, which is why I used 'snatching'.

    For artistic reasons, I would personally leave out the word 'stance', as the name is 夺命13剑, not 夺命13剑式。 I would be ok with using the word 'stance' to describe the actual stance, but I personally would not use it for the name of the art itself.
    Read the latest chapters of Coiling Dragon at Wuxia World!

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    Quote Originally Posted by deathblade View Post
    1) I think breast is perfectly acceptable if you're using more literary English.

    3) I think Slaughterer is great. Definitely no pinyin. The original Chinese carries feeling to the reader, pinyin carries no feeling whatsoever to the reader.
    Thanks deathblade!
    Read the latest chapters of Coiling Dragon at Wuxia World!

  12. #72
    Senior Member kaister's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ren Wo Xing View Post
    Bravo on your continuation of SSYDJ!

    RE Duoming 13 Jian, the reason I used Life-Snatching Thirteen Swords was because soul would be 灵, not 命 which is explicitly life. The character 夺 has the subtext of not only taking, but taking forcibly, rather than stealing, which is why I used 'snatching'.

    For artistic reasons, I would personally leave out the word 'stance', as the name is 夺命13剑, not 夺命13剑式。 I would be ok with using the word 'stance' to describe the actual stance, but I personally would not use it for the name of the art itself.
    I actually never gotten to how you translate that skill. Haven't read those earlier chapters yet.

    Fair enough. I kind of feel the same way on life vs soul.

    "Seizing" is the other word I'm thinking of, but take that's a perfectly sound explanation on taking vs snatching.

  13. #73
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    Book 1, Chapter 6 Coiling Dragon Ring (part 1)


    Underneath the setting sun, the rosy clouds seemed to cover half the sky, casting their red hue upon the entire world.

    Cleaning the ancestral hall is pretty easy.

    Departing the ancestral hall, Linley had to admit that he had over-prepared. He had slotted an hour for this job, but in just fifteen minutes, he was finished cleaning.

    On the Yulan continent, each year was divided into twelve months, each month thirty days, each day twenty four hours, and each hour sixty minutes. Most noble families owned grandfather clocks, and were able to accurately tell time. Some extremely wealthy or extremely high-status individuals might even own meticulously calibrated wrist watches.

    The ancestral hall is cleaned every month. Frankly speaking, in just a month, the ancestral hall wont get too dirty. All I have to do is just casually wipe it down. I have almost an hour before training starts. What should I do? Bored, Linley looked around in all directions.

    The ancient Baruch mansion had five thousand years of history.

    The front courtyard was cleaned every day, but the rooms in the much-larger back courtyard, aside from the ancestral hall, were all covered in dust, and even the walls were cracked. Wild grasses and dark green lichen covered the floors and even ran up the walls.

    Heeeeey Seeing the decrepit architecture, Linleys eyes slowly brightened. Lots of places in the back courtyard havent been visited in over a century. I wonder if theres any ancient, valuable items there?

    Upon coming to this realization, Linleys heart began to pound.

    If I am able to find some valuable things and give them to father, no doubt he will be very happy. Linley took a deep breath, then immediately entered a decrepit room next to the ancestral hall. Step by step, he walked carefully, wielding a sturdy wooden stick in his hands, which he used to strike down the cobwebs, allowing himself a more careful examination.

    Immediately upon entering the room, a rotten scent wafted past Linleys nose. Thick cobwebs could be seen in each corner, and spiders could even be seen clambering about.

    Many spiderwebs were covering decorative curtains and furnishings. Upon closer examination, all of these curtains appeared very ancient. Unfortunately, the curtains were tattered beyond belief, just barely holding together in the semblance of a curtain.

    If these curtains werent ruined, no doubt they would be worth a lot of money. Linley helplessly shook his head. He continued to inspect the room, using his stick to brush aside the layers of cobwebs as he carefully searched.

    He searched the floor, the cabinets, and even to see if there were any secret passageways on the walls.

    According to the books Ive read, it is quite common for walls to contain hidden levers or passages. Linley carefully rapped the walls, listening to the sounds.

    Linley very much enjoyed this feeling of searching for treasures in the ancient room. But he had forgotten something. If he could come up with this idea, wouldnt his father, his grandfather, and the other elders of the Baruch clan also have thought of this?

    These ancient rooms had long ago been scoured clean by the deceased elders of the Baruch clan.

    Linley was only eight years old, after all. Although the strict education of the clan helped him mature quickly, there was still a large gap between him and an adult. Naturally, he wouldnt be able to consider things from a more complete point of view.

    Nothing in this room. Next one Linley exited the first room and entered the second.

    There were actually many rooms in the back courtyard. After all, the front courtyard which Linley resided in constituted only a third of the entire manor. The back courtyard was far larger. Linley would probably have to spend an entire day in order to finish searching the entire back courtyard.

    All these decorations are ruined. There isnt a single one worth money. Linley exited yet another empty room.

    He stared up at the sky.

    Eh, looks like its almost time for training. I have another fifteen minutes or so at most. Linley turned his head around and stared at an extremely large room. Ill just look at that last one, that big one. Ill spend about ten minutes searching. If I cant find anything, Ill go off to training.

    Having made up his mind, Linley raced towards the large room.

    This ancient room was much larger than even the main hall in the front courtyard. Stepping inside, Linley carefully scrutinized the place. I bet hundreds of years ago, this was the dinner hall for our Baruch clan. From the ornaments and furniture, Linley could tell that this was a living hall.

    A huge, grandiose-looking hall.

    Search the ground first.

    Same as before, Linley lowered his head, widened his eyes, and began carefully searching the room one part at a time. Upon seeing anything interesting, he would tap it twice with his stick. If it was made out of stone, he would ignore it. Since he didnt have much time left before training was to start, his searching speed increased as well.

    Time to search the walls and the curtains. Oi. Last, best hope. Linley grimaced as he scanned the surroundings. Clan elders, I really hope you guys left one or two things behind for me to find. Even if it is just a small thing.

    Linley carefully searched the walls, even peeking behind the tattered curtains.

    On the ancient walls were many rotted wooden cabinets, each of which had many drawers. Linley pulled open each and every drawer, but the drawers were totally empty, almost immaculately so. The only thing inside of them? Some dust.

    Alas!

    After pulling open the last drawer, Linley felt bitter disappointment in his heart.

    After searching for all this time, I didnt even find a single valuable item. All I did was cover myself with sweat and dust. Linley stared at his clothes. They really were filthy, now. Linley couldnt help but feel discontented.

    Linleys gaze once more flashed across the room.

    Hmph. Im leaving. Linley angrily used the stick in his hand to strike hard against a nearby cabinet, as though he wanted to give vent to all the anger which had built up over an hour of fruitless searching.

    Thud! The stick solidly struck against the cabinet.

    The cabinet was extremely ancient. After having been chewed on by mites for a hundred years, it couldnt withstand any weight. After having been struck so fiercely, it began to creak and groan.

    Hearing this, Linley couldnt help but look behind him in alarm. Oh no, its going to collapse! While searching the other rooms, Linley had also destroyed a few other pieces of furniture, so by now, he was very experienced.

    Linley hurriedly dodged to one side.

    In the end, the cabinet, which was twice as tall as Linley himself, collapsed. With a crashing sound, the cabinet smashed against the floor, breaking into seven or eight pieces, covering the room with even more dust. But hidden amidst the dust, unseen by Linley, was

    Upon the shattering of the cabinet, a black ring which had been hidden within the wooden supports came tumbling out, falling to the ground.

    Ew, ew! Linley spat out the two words as he hurriedly tried to escape the wave of dust.

    How unlucky! My entire body is covered with dust now, and I bet training is about to start. Id best go take a quick shower and put on some new clothes. With a wave of his arm, Linley pushed open the door and departed the ancient room.

    CHAPTER END
    Last edited by Ren Wo Xing; 06-18-14 at 07:16 PM.
    Read the latest chapters of Coiling Dragon at Wuxia World!

  14. #74
    Senior Member Grundle's Avatar
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    Great job RWX! I can't believe he missed the ring. Nice bit of suspense for the end of that chapter
    --=={Grundle}==--

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    Thanks Ren

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    Senior Member LuDongBin's Avatar
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    A dragon ring? Things shaping up ... thks Ren.

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    Thanks Ren Wo Xing!

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    Thanks Ren

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    Thanks for the update. Here's some (possible) mistakes:

    He searched the floor, the cabinets, and even to see if there were any secret passageways on the walls.
    (Seems there's something missing?)


    From the ornaments and furniture, Linley could tell that this was a living hall.
    A huge, grandiose looking hall.
    (Not sure if this is intentional, a typo or what...?)
    Current Translation: I Shall Seal the Heavens
    Recommended Translation: Heroes Shed No Tears

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    Senior Member spynet's Avatar
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    Thanks RWX, hope he find the ring

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