The Story of my Life AKA Romance of the Crazy Wanderer

[Christos200]

The Story of my Life AKA Romance of the Crazy Wanderer

Table of Contents:

Chapters: 1 | 2

Characters Glossary:

Jiang Wei - Failed writer, debt-ridden and time traveler.
Tom - Friend of Jiang Wei.
John - Another friend of Jiang Wei.
Uncle Chang - Rich uncle of Jiang Wei AKA Scrooge McDuck
Malaysian Friend - Friend of Jiang Wei who puts him into great troubles due to his cheapness.
Guo Fu - Most annoying female Wuxia character ever.

[Christos200]

Chapter 1:

Hi. My name is Jiang Wei. You may know me as I write Wuxia stories on this forum. I am not that a good of a writer. In fact, I am not even coming close to other writers of this site such as Dongfang Xue, optimus610, Avidfan or Mandred Skavenslayer, whose fanfictions are really amazing and their writing style sucks you into the story. So, please forgive me if this story is not as exciting or well written as those of the above writers.

In fact, this is not so much of a story but rather a retelling of real events that I lived. And do not worry, this is not a retelling of my entire normal and boring life. It is retelling of the adventures I lived when I time-traveled back to Song Dynasty China.

No kidding.

I really traveled to Song Dynasty China. I am sure that almost all of you will be now reacting in one of those two ways:

A) You will laugh and think, 'This guy is a lunatic!"

B) Sigh and think, 'Not again another boring time travel tale! This has already been done before by Huang Yi's A Step into the Past and the Myth (2010) by Hu Ge.'

By the way, the Myth is a quite good series and Hu Ge is, as always, great.

But 'A Step into the Past' and 'Myth' are fictional tales. My story is a real one because I really traveled to Song Dynasty China.

Anyway, let's take things from the beginning. I am a tall, handsome guy with short black hair and a well build body. I have also trained in martial arts. I forgot to add that I am very funny, very talkative and generally a great person that you would all envy in the same way every character in Gu Long's 'Sword of the Third Young Master' envies Xie Xiaofeng.

But most of all, I am modest!

I always loved reading Wuxia stories. Ever since I've read Jin Yong's and Gu Long's novels, I always dreamed of myself being a Wuxia hero with unparalleled swordsmanship who would save the world's most beautiful maiden and be glorified by all.

Anyway, back to our story.

Long story short: I broke up with my girlfriend and a friend of mine who lives in Malaysia persuaded to visit Malaysia for a week. I guessed that going on a holiday would heal the wounds of love, which are the most painful of all wounds (I forgot to add that I am also a poet).

When he told me that he knew a very good hotel whose price was 150$ for a whole week, I of course accepted that offer. For it is both cheap and has good services. After all, since my friend lives in Malaysia, he surely knows better than me which hotel is good and which is not, right?

Well, when I arrived to the hotel, I realized that I had been a victim of my friend's practical joke. I swear that I have never seen a more terrible hotel in my entire life. No kidding. I have been to Argentina, to Nigeria, to Turkey and many other countries. But a hotel like this, I have never seen it.

My room was dirty, hotel service was non existent and this hotel was generally a very bad experience.

At this point you will ask: "What has this got to do with your time travel to Song Dynasty China?! Why are you wasting our time with such boring details?"

Well, because of two reasons:

A) This travel in Malaysia has a lot to do with how I time traveled back to Song Dynasty China.

B) I need to warn you to never book a room in a cheap hotel unless you have seen it by yourself. If you do, don't say you had not been warned!

Anyway, back to the story. By the way, by this point you should have found out that I love using the word 'Anyway'.

Anyway, once this week of torment ended my friend (that bastard!) played on me another practical joke. He told me to visit Indonesia. He also told me that Malaysian Airlines cannot be trusted, something which I believed considering that a plane mysteriously disappeared in the Indian Ocean and another of their planes was shot down in Ukraine (by Russian backed rebels or the Ukrainian military or, as my friend Tom told me, by Aliens).

So, he asked me if I was willing to go to Indonesia using a private plane. I laughed. "Hey, I am not that rich!", I told him.

Then this weasel told me, "It will cost you only 100$."

At first, I did not believe him. But that son of a goat knows how to persuade people! And so, I was persuaded.

When I saw the plane, I understood why it cost only 100$. I do not know much about planes, but this small plane which I rented was surely dating back to the 50s. In fact, it may date back to 1940. I do not know. As I've already said, I do not have much knowledge of planes. But I could tell that this would not end well.

But I had paid 100$ freaking dollars for this plane! How could I just cancel the travel?!

So, I prayed to Jesus Christ, to Allah, to Buddha and to Kim Jong Un (best God of all) and boarded the plane.

The plane was the size of about two jeeps. It was white and it was old. I know, my descriptions are so poetic that if I was to write a Wuxia book, Jin Yong's books would be completely overshadowed by my mastery of literature.

By this point I am sure that you will be asking yourself: "What the hell am I reading? This makes no sense at all!"

But I tell you: This is all real! 100% of it.

Anyway, the plane flew in the air and.....

Boom!

Bah, I am just kidding. Actually, it did not explode yet. In fact, everything was fine. I thought that for once my friend may have been right and that this wasn't a joke. Until......

Boom!

This time for real. The engine was on fire! "Jesus and Kim Jong Un save me!!", I shouted. The pilot shouted some words in Malaysian and jumped out of plane with the only freaking parachute in the entire plane!

So, I had to jump out of the plane without a parachute! And I jumped!!

Well, in order for me to be typing this story, it means that I survived. I do not know if it was Jesus or Kim Jong Un who saved me, but I was saved. By saved I mean that I survived a fall in the sea and landed on a tiny but beautiful island. That island was like a paradise. There were only tall palm trees and the beach's soft sand.

I swear that I did not steal this from Robinson Crusoe.

Anyway (I promise, this is the last time I use the word 'Anyway'), I was alone on a tiny island somewhere in the Indian Ocean. I had no way to communicate with the rest of the world and I was totally alone. Darkness. I heard some weird sounds. Then....

If I tell you now, there will be no suspense and so you will not read the next chapter of my story.

Literature should make people think and should give them moral teachings. Well, for those who are as smart as Guo Jing, the moral teachings of the first chapter of this marvel of literature are:

A) Never trust your friends.

B) Never ever ever trust cheap products or services.

Well, boys and girls, with this ends the first chapter of a novel that shall put Jin Yong to shame. Have a nice day!

[Chongdong Bubai]

Everyone has their own style of writing. All writers be it Dongfang Xue, optimus610, Avidfan or Mandred Skavenslayer are welcome to contribute. It's the plot and characters that draws readers mostly. Keep up the good work

[Christos200]

Thanks for the comment. Hope you survive this chapter, unlike my friend Tom (RIP) .

Chapter 2:

This is the second chapter of the world's most epic story to be ever posted on a Wuxia website. My friend Tom told me that I am far too modest and that I should post at least two paragraphs describing what a literature gem my story is, but I could not follow his advise as, unfortunately, I am far too modest to do so. So, I declined and left his house.

Now I feel so guilty about it. I should have followed his advice. For those were his last words! My friend John, who lives next to Tom's house, told me that after I left Tom was laughing constantly for more than five hours. When next day John visited Tom's house, he found out that he had died due to overlaughing.

Anyway- My oath to not use again the word 'Anyway' was limited to the previous chapter. So, I have not broken my oath.

Alright reader, no need to facepalm. I will use some other word.

Back to our story (is this better than 'Anyway'?), that night was moonless and there was absolute darkness.

You remember that I said that "I heard some weird sounds. Then...."

Actually, this is a lie. That night I was so tired that I slept like Hong Qigong on Mount Hua (or whatever is the name of that snowy mountain where he and Ouyang Feng died. Sorry for the spoiler). So, why I lied to you? In order to keep your interest! But this is the only lie in my entire story. All the rest about me traveling to Song Dynasty China is real.

Anyw-

At any rate (thanks Google Translator for the synonym), I was alone on a tiny island. I had no food and no way to communicate with the rest of the world. So next morning I begun searching for food.

I kept searching for half an hour until I heard a weird sound. The sound of a plane! Then, darkness. Something fell on my head and I fainted. When I woke up an hour later, I was delighted to find out that the thing that had fallen on my head was a box that had upon it the name "BigMac".

"Thanks great Kim Jong Un!", I shouted.

I opened the box. And.........

There was only junk inside the box!! And a single fried potato!

What a bastard! Not only he is not respecting the environment by throwing his junk wherever he wants, but he had also eaten everything inside that box. Hell, he had even eaten the package! I am not kidding!

Any- I will use this word because I like it! I do not care if this is repetitive!

Anyway, I begun once again searching for food. Then, I stumbled upon a small wooden box. My feet ached. After I cursed my Malaysian friend, I though, 'Whatever! I might as well open the box.'

I opened the box and.....everything went white. My eyes were hurting and so I closed them. When I opened them again I was not on the tiny island but I was standing in the middle of a dirt road besides a bamboo forest.

'What the hell?!', I though. "Where am I?", I shouted.

No response came.

So, I begun walking. Keepwalking.

$this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://i.imgur.com/dALM5YT.jpg')

Then I saw a girl so beautiful that she was like a flower that was blooming! A beautiful Chinese girl dressed with a pink robe (or whatever is the name of those Ancient Chinese outfits).

I looked at her.

She looked at me.

You look at your screen.

"What are you looking at?!", she shouted. "Do you know who I am?!"

Her shouting was so harsh to my ear that I really preferred the shouting of my rich uncle Chang (AKA Scrooge McDuck) who always tells me that I am a loser who thinks that he is a great writer.

"How should I know?!", I replied.

Then, the answer came: "I am the daughter of Hero Guo Jing and Heroine Huang Rong, I am Guo Fu."

No!!!

Why do I have to meet this annoying brat!? Can't I meet Xiaolongnü or Huang Rong or someone else?

I, as everyone else, hate this brat called Guo Fu. In the 1983 TV adaption of ROCH, she was annoying but the 2006 TV adaption made me really hate Guo Fu. In the 2006 adaption she was the most annoying character of the entire show (aside from Huang Xiaoming). It was like Jin Yong wanted to make up for making Guo Jing such a likeable character. So, he gave him the most spoiled Wuxia daughter ever.

I always wanted to tell her how annoying she is. Now, I had my chance.

So, I shouted as loud as I could (even louder than Huang Xiaoming's 'Gugu!' shouting): "You are the second most annoying character ever, losing only to hypocrite Yue Buqun!"

I am sure that all of you would have said the same words if you somehow got to met Guo Fu. Well, those words can get you in a lot of trouble!

"Condors, bite him!"

I laughed. What can two Condors do? Well, they can do a lot.

Two giant condors came out of nowhere and bit my.....

a**!

No kidding. It pains a lot. If you do not believe me, ask someone in your home to bite your a** and you will then understand how much it pains.

On a second thought, don't do this because they will think that you are either:

A) a lunatic
B) a masochist
C) a pervert
D) all the above combined.

Anyway, I started running as fast as I could. I have never ever ran before like that. Only once when Uncle Chang (AKA Scrooge McDuck) was chasing me because I did not repayed him the debt I owned to him. He eventually caught up with me and I was beaten up by him. Uncle Chang's fist would make Guo Jing tremble with fear.

After running for about twenty minutes, I managed to escape from that bratty Guo Fu.

Then I sat down and calmly thought what would be my next move: in order to survive, someone needs money. Since I had no money (I had a few bucks, but I guessed those could not be of use in Ancient China), how could I survive in Song Dynasty China?

A) Work in a shop
B) Ask someone to loan me some money
C) Steal a bank James Bong style

Which one of the above do you think I did?

And with this ends the second chapter of this so amazing story that killed my friend Tom (RIP). The moral teachings of this chapter:

A) Do not pollute the environment unless you throw whole hamburgers, not half eaten.

B) Never ever ever let someone bite your a**.

My story is so educational that my friend John proposed to me that I petition for the government to distribute it among school students.

Anyway, see you next time folks!

[Avidfan]

Great story!

I hope you can continue. You are a better writer than me for sure =)

[Mandred Skavenslayer]

Not sure what I just read here. I think you might have created your own subgenre.

Anyway your writing skills are very impressive, I hope you have more stories coming