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Thread: Betrayal

  1. #1
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Post Betrayal

    Hi everyone! This is going to be my first fanfic ever. I hope you all are going to support me. I haven't come up with a title for this fanfic yet so I'm just going to call it" new fanfic" for now until I come up with name for it. You guys could also give me suggestions for the title.
    To Hannah and Tido: this is not the fanfic with the girls traveling into the future. Since I wrote this fanfic before the time traveling one, I've decide to post this up first. I will post the other one up when I finish making changes to it.

    <font size="1">[ February 10, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

    <font size="1">[ February 18, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

  2. #2
    Registered User Danielle Lin's Avatar
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    Talking

    Hope you post a story soon, looking forward to it-danielle <IMG SRC="smilies/wink.gif" border="0">

  3. #3
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    Hey Jeh <IMG SRC="smilies/wave.gif" border="0">

    <IMG SRC="smilies/frown.gif" border="0"> Gurl! You got me all excited when I saw your composed message and thought wow! New story by Jeh!

    <IMG SRC="smilies/sigh.gif" border="0"> Oh well, hope you post the 1st chapter soon! <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

    No prob. As long as you post up a fanfic for me to read <IMG SRC="smilies/wink.gif" border="0">

    <IMG SRC="smilies/thumbsup.gif" border="0">

  4. #4
    Senior Member tido's Avatar
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    Hi Jeh! <IMG SRC="smilies/wave.gif" border="0">

    So this is what you have been up to all this time and not reading my fanfic <IMG SRC="smilies/crying.gif" border="0"> JK I am really excited you have finally decided to post up your fanfic. So, this is not the one you told us about. I am so curious as to what this one is about. <IMG SRC="smilies/confused.gif" border="0"> Oh well, I just I will just have to wait to find out. Can't wait for you first chapter to be posted. <IMG SRC="smilies/clap.gif" border="0">
    "It is poop calling vomit stink."---the insult dog

    Plz visit my site: http://omnibus.250x.com

  5. #5
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Well guys, this is the prolouge. The names will be in vietnamese.

    " Open the door!", a voice rumble in the dark and rainy night

    " General Ly(Lee?), do you want us to break in?", a soldier asked

    General Ly nodded and the soldiers break into the large mansion. Inside were dead bodies everywhere.

    " General, it seems that this woman is still alive."

    The general quickly came over to the woman, she was badly wounded. A knife was stuck on her back, blood flowed out of her wound freely.

    " Ha phu nhan (Lady Ho), Ha phu nhan! What happen?" General Ly asked while holding the woman in his arm. <IMG SRC="smilies/starwars.gif" border="0">

    <font size="1">[ February 10, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

  6. #6
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Here is the other part to the prolouge. My computer was having problem yesterday so I couldn't finish typing it.

    " Bich nhi(a name that parents use in a loving way), Bich nhi... Ha... took care of Thanh nhi... find Bich..." the lady muttered, and slowly closed her eyes.

    " My Hanh, no! Don't die! My Hanh!" <IMG SRC="smilies/crying.gif" border="0">

    <font size="1">[ February 10, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

  7. #7
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    So, how is my story? I just thought of a name for it. It could be:

    Romance or Love Story of the Maiden in White

    or

    Fate or Destiny of Two
    Have any of you guys thought of a name for my fanfic yet. I would appreciate some suggestions. <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

  8. #8
    Moderator Em's Avatar
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    Hi Jeh - just a question for you.. which period is your story set in? Not very many clues there! Keep writing...

    <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">

  9. #9
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">quote:</font><table border="0" width="80%" bgcolor="#dcdcdc" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="1"><tr><td width="100%"><table border="0" width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="10" bgcolor="#DCDCDC"><tr><td width="100%" bgcolor="#eeeeee"><font size="1">Originally posted by Em:
    <STRONG>Hi Jeh - just a question for you.. which period is your story set in? Not very many clues there! Keep writing...

    <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0"></STRONG></font></td></tr></table></td></tr></table></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Well,I don't really know. By the way, I made some changes to the prolouge so you might want to take another look at that. My computer have been experiencing some technical difficulties so that's why I haven't been posting the chapter for this fanfic. I will post it soon.

    <font size="1">[ January 17, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

  10. #10
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Here's the first chapter:

    Chapter 1: The Girl In White

    " Clang!" the sound of two swords hitting eachother were heard

    A young maiden in white with her face hidden under a white veil is fighting with a man in a black robe.

    The maiden is indeed very skill in martial arts. Her sword move very quickly yet gracefully.

    The man was looosing. He couldn't block her sword fast enough.

    As quick as lightning,the maiden send his sword flying to a tree nearby.

    Not letting the man a chance to recover from the shock, the maiden put the tip of her sword almost touching the man's neck while sealing his pressure points.

    " Give me that bag!!" the maiden ordered

    " No, that is very important to our sect. I can't let you have it." the man replied

    " Look like you don't have any choice, do you?"

    With that said, the maiden search his body. She pull out a small brown bag and put it into her shirt.

    " Your pressure point will be unseal in an hour. I will be long gone then. That should teach you a lesson to not steal stuff from people."

    The maiden use her kinh kong( a type of martial arts that allow you to jump really high and do somersault in the air) to get away.

    Thank you for reading <IMG SRC="smilies/bow.gif" border="0"> and please leave comments. By the way, the names in the prolouge is change again. If you don't want to be confuse then you should check it out.

    <font size="1">[ February 05, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

  11. #11
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Chapter 2 The Massacre

    " Kill them! All of them!" a maiden in blue wiht her face hidden under a blue veil ordered.

    Her men immediately follow her order.

    Later in the same day,

    " I can't beleive it!", Luu (Lau) lao gia ( master?) slam his hand on the table and shouted furiously, " All people of Trinh (Cheng) gia trang ( family?) and Tran (Chan) gia trang were kill on the same day. Without them my plan can't carry on!"

    " Lao gia, calm down. Have you ever thought of..." Le (Lai) quan gia ( a servant who control the other sevants) told his master

    " Ah, ah. Le Phu, good idea." laugh Luu lao gia, obviously feeling better


    Thank you for reading. <IMG SRC="smilies/bow.gif" border="0"> Please leave comments. If I translate something wrong, please tell me and I will correct it. <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

  12. #12
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Some info on the maiden in white: She is the only descendant of the Snow Castle Sect. They are known for their White Phoenix Sword Style and White Hurricane Sword Style. Her sifu and su mau( sifu's wife) have one day left her and die a very misterious death. Their last word to her was to find the Blue Pearl and uncover the secret inside it.


    Brief summary: An innocent maiden who suddenly got caugh up in all the affair of the molam world. She will uncover secrets about her family and the biggest secret which may turn her perfect life upside down. She will finally feel love and be loved. In the end, which one truly love her? Will she choose the path of tragedy or happiness? Read this story and find out.

  13. #13
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Chapter 3 : The Brown Bag

    The maiden in white was walking down a hill when she reached a dead end. She touch a rock on the right side of her and the wall open up. The maiden walked inside and the wall close up.

    Inside was very bright but there wasn't any light source.

    There was a huge rock that act as a table.

    On top of the rock is several long woods that was carved very delicately. The woods was standing up with words written on it.

    The maiden walked toward the rock and kneel down.

    " See fu, su mau (see fu's wife), elders. After three years of searching,I have found half of the Blue Pearl." The maiden reach into her shirt and brought out the brown bag.

    She open it, revealing half of a blue pearl. It have markings on it but all she could make out was a small imprint of her name, " Bich", on it.

    " I will try to find the other half. I now wish that you all could rest in peace in the Golden River."

    The maiden stopped and weep. Tears were flowing out of her eyes and onto the ground.


    Thank you for reading. <IMG SRC="smilies/bow.gif" border="0"> Please leave comments.

    <font size="1">[ February 05, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

  14. #14
    Senior Member tido's Avatar
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    Hey Jeh!

    Good start so far!!! Can't wait for the next chapter! Only complaint is that your chapters are so brief. <IMG SRC="smilies/tongue.gif" border="0"> Either longer chapters or more chapters. jk
    Anyways, I think the title Romance of the Maiden in White sounds good. Keep up the good work! <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">
    "It is poop calling vomit stink."---the insult dog

    Plz visit my site: http://omnibus.250x.com

  15. #15
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Yay, my first reader! Glad to hear someone finally commenting on my fanfic. I know my chapters are way too brief, I will try to make it longer. So, Tido, where have you been? Haven't heard of you for awhile. Hannah's gone, too. Do you know where she is?

  16. #16
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Chapter 4: Identity Uncover

    The maiden in white was trying to find clues about her two teachers' dissappearance and death. As she walked to the shelf, she spotted something.

    " What's this?" She asked herself

    The maiden held up a green box that she have never seen before.

    Cautiously, she opened it to reveal a piece of paper folded four times.

    She unfolded the paper, it said:

    Bich nhi,

    Su phu (teacher) and su mau (teacher's wife) know that we are old and won't be alive any longer. When you read this letter, we might have already dissappear from this world.

    You have always wonder about your identity and your parent. It is time we inform you about it.

    Your real name is Ha (Ho) Ngoc Bich. You have an older twin, her name is Ha (Ho) Ngoc Thanh.

    Your parent was very rich and very generous. Their names was spread across the whole country for their generosity.

    One day, they were traveling with you and your twin when they got attacked by the evil Dragon Ice Sect.

    General Ly (Lee), your parent's best friend came too late.

    We rescued you just in time. Your twin was nowhere to be found.

    Later, we received news that General Ly (Lee) had took her in and raised her.

    Before we could find them, General Ly (Lee) died of a very misterious death.

    The other part to the letter was rip off.

    Bich was extremely happy, she still have a twin.

    These past three years have been hard for Bich.

    With her two teachers' dissappearance and death, she was left all alone.

    " Well, those days are over.", Bich thought to herself, " I will find Ngoc Thanh ty ty (older sister) and we will live happily together."

  17. #17
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    Hey Jeh! <IMG SRC="smilies/wave.gif" border="0">

    LOL!

    Hannah is around. Just been slightly busy. <IMG SRC="smilies/sigh.gif" border="0">

    Wow! Looks like I have alot to catch up reading. <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0">

    Anywayz, keep up the great work and the next time I'm back I will make a big comment about the story. <IMG SRC="smilies/smile.gif" border="0">

    TC!!!

  18. #18
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Hannah, you're back <IMG SRC="smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0"> So you been busy huh? Well, hope to hear from you soon. Please update Nascent of Pain and Tale of Love and Feud In Shanghai. Anyway, here's the next chapter.

    <font size="1">[ February 05, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

  19. #19
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Chapter 5: Reencounter

    Ngoc Bich was walking along a river when...

    " Co nuong (miss), give us back the bag!", the guy in black has come back with a couple of companions.

    " It's not yours, why should I give it back to you?", Ngoc Bich retorted

    " If you don't give it back to us, we will just have to take it by force!"

    " Five guys against one girl. That's fair."

    Ngoc Bich unleash her sword and charge toward the men. The men also unleash their sword.

    Ngoc Bich have to jump this way and that to block the five swords.

    Her sifu (teacher) have told her that she shouldn't show her martial arts skills in front of people unless she is desperate. Now, all Ngoc Bich could do is block the swords.

    She turn around and clash her sword with one of the men while kicking another behind her.

    Out of nowhere, a star-shape object flew toward Ngoc Bich and slash her shoulder.

    The man in black kick Ngoc Bich and pull off her white veil.

    Ngoc Bich fell on the ground and spit out blood. She use her hand to cover her wound and look at the men with anger.

    The man stop in his track and stare at Ngoc Bich.

    In front of him is a beautiful maiden dressed entirely in white. She look just like a goddess.

    " What a bunch of losers. Ganging up on a girl. How about you pick on somebody your own size?", a strong muscular voice from out of nowhere yell.

    " Who dare to call me a loser? Show yourself!", the man in black in black yell back and look around him.

    Thank you for reading. <IMG SRC="smilies/bow.gif" border="0"> Please leave comments.

    &lt;font size="1"&gt;[ February 03, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]&lt;/font&gt;

    <font size="1">[ February 05, 2003: Message edited by: jeh ]</font>

  20. #20
    Senior Member jeh's Avatar
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    Hi, I want to make a cast list for this fanfic but I don't know who to choose. I have decide to choose Kristy Yang as the main female lead and Louis Koo as the main male lead. What do you guys think about that? Please help me make this cast list.

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