Ting Yuan Sheng Sheng
(A Trip Back to the Old Courtyard)

PART II: Chapter 8

Original novel written by Qiong Yao

Fan translation by TKL (Send an email)

It was late at night but Pai Wen's car was heading fast toward the countryside. The chill wind of midnight slashed against his cold soul. Occasionally, a car passed his. Since leaving Han Yan's house, he kept on driving his car but did not know where he was heading to. He drove around the city then headed toward the countryside. He had not eaten anything but felt full with sadness. His mind was in chaos. He felt as though the sadness had spread to every muscle, every cell in his body. He let his hands take the control of the wheel and did not care where he was going.

As his car passed a bridge, Pai Wen stopped and looked at the fields in the darkness. The wind rustled in the rice fields, creating a sad melody. Pai Wen looked at the gloomy sky, the hidden moon behind those floating dark clouds. He leaned back against the seat and lighted cigarette after cigarette. Han Yan's face appeared in front of his eyes, as if she was reproaching him. He had tried so hard to control his feeling after she told him the truth.

Since he turned 20, Pai Wen had met and gone out with many girls. Most of them were beautiful and rich but he had never developed any feeling for them as he now felt for Han Yan. After his father passed away, his mother pushed him to get married. In old age, people always wants to have grandchildren. Pai Wen was also the only child. His mother kept saying to him, "You are still single. In your opinion, who would be perfect to be your wife?"

Pai Wen often smiled and answered, "I want a fairy."

The truth was that Pai Wen was too idealistic. He still could not meet anyone he loved when he reached 30. His mother held many parties so Pai Wen could meet daughters of her friends. Yet Pai Wen did not like girls who covered themselves in perfume and make up. He only wanted a pure soul. He confessed to his mother, "I will probably end up dying a single man. People are so into appearance that they forget their inner soul. I don't really care for the outward beauty."

His mother shook her head, "What do you mean by inner beauty?"

Pai Wen did not reply and she continued, "You are still picky even though you are getting older."

Pai Wen was sure that the girl he was looking for did not exist in this world until he met Han Yan. He often dreamed of her, seeing her beautiful smile, her shyness. She was innocently beautiful, both in her appearance and in her soul. The fire in his soul was ignited after so many years of loneliness.

"Han Yan…Han Yan…"

He kept whispering her name. She was so perfect in his eyes. Until now, he realized that the pearl he had been searching for had flaws. Could that flaw really be erased? Pai Wen sighed, looking at the sky and thinking to himself, "Han Yan…Why did you tell me the truth? Do you know how much it hurts me?"

It was getting later. The cold wind blew stronger. Pai Wen was still sitting there, forgetting everything around him. He was only aware of the pain in his heart. Flicking the last cigarette away, Pai Wen felt really exhausted. He knew that his mother was probably up waiting for him at home. As he started the car, he whispered to himself, "It was all like a bad dream. She has her own future, I have my own future. My perfect other half has not turned up but I must wait for her."

He was worried of what his mother would think if she knew of this. Let's just forget everything. Let's everything be finished at this moment. Yet he knew that he could not forget Han Yan that easily. He knew that the pain in his heart would still be there…

After crossing the bridge, he would reach his house. This new house built in the middle of a garden was designed by his friend. He wanted to name the mansion but had not found any suitable name. Stopping in front of the gate, he did not want to press the horn in case he would wake his mother up. He stepped down and opened the gate himself. The light in the living room was still lit which surprised Pai Wen. He thought that Kao Li De was probably still up.

As he pushed the door opened, he saw his mother sitting on the sofa. Pai Wen asked, "Mother, you are still up?"

She looked up. "Why are you home so late?"

He could not answer her and went to the fridge to get a drink. She asked, "Is there something wrong?"

He replied, "Nothing except business."

She smiled. "What business? I know you so well. You have been in this dazed state for the last couple of days. Don't hide it from me. Are you in love with someone?"

He stood still, looking at her. She smiled, "Tell me."

Pai Wen knew that he could not hide anything from his mother. She was a mother who understood her son very well. She was a daughter of a very wealthy family. Half of his father's fortune was from her inheritance. Yet she always respected her husband. He also listened to her suggestions as they were often right.

Pai Wen shook his head. "I won't call it love. I just have some feelings for her. It's really nothing."

"How is she like?"

Pai Wen sighed. "Mother, it's finished."

He bent his head down, staring at the glass of water and feeling his soul torn into pieces.

She looked at him, somehow feeling that she understood his inner feeling. "What happened? Did she reject you?"

Pai Wen shook his head quickly. "No."

"Or you did not think she deserved you?"

Pai Wen disagreed, "I don't take notice of material thing. As for personality, she is perfect."

"Which party did you meet her at?"

"No."

"Her parents are in business?"

"No, they're not." Pai Wen put down the glass of water. "Mother, everything is finished. I'm feeling very tired now."

He stood up, walking to his room. He asked, "Aren't you tired yet? You should also go to sleep. It's really late."

"You go to sleep first."

She looked at her son walking toward his room. His steps were heavy, tired. Once he got inside his room, she reached the window and gazed out at the garden. She whispered to herself, "It's finished…it's finished…" Yet she thought again, "Everything does not seem to finish like he thought."

She knew very well that Pai Wen had really fallen in love. She knew that everything had not finished like he thought.

Next day, Pai Wen's mind was still filled with Han Yan's story. If he met her, what should he say so she wouldn't be upset? She probably would not work for him. He would give her money and introduce another job for her. Yet she did not do anything wrong. She should be pitied than blamed. He could not stand her being sad. If he could not marry her, he could still help her. On the way to the company, he thought about what he should say to Han Yan and it cleared his mind. However, as he got to the company, he felt nervous. He did not know what to say to Han Yan yet he longed to meet her, to see her face. He let out a heavy sigh. He hesitated for a moment before walking quicklyto his office. Han Yan should be in the office by now. Yet he was surprised when he did not see her there. "Han Yan did not go to work?", "Why?" His mind was filled with questions. He stood still, gazing at the desk that she often sat behind. He sunk down in the sofa, feeling the sadness inside. Someone knocked on the door. He looked up, happiness overwhelmed him. She had come? He opened the door but was disappointed to see one of the supervisors of the company. He tried to hide the annoyance in his voice, "Yes?"

"Han Yan asked her friend to give a letter to you."

Pai Wen was curious, holding the letter in his hand. The supervisor went out. Pai Wen tore open the letter, reading the familiar writing of Han Yan.

"Mr. Bo," His brows furrowed as he read the polite address. Biting his lips, he read on.

I'm sorry that I have bothered you. You have helped me in the past few months. I think that due to the present circumstance, I am unable to continue working at you company. Please accept my resignation.

Han Yan

Pai Wen dropped the letter down, bitterness and sadness rising inside. Han Yan did not want to receive anymore help from him. She had solved the problem for Pai Wen yet her decision pained him. He picked up the letter and read it again. He felt that he could not just let her go. He paced back and forth in his office for a while before sitting down at the desk and writing a letter to Han Yan.

Miss Zheng,

Pai Wen.

Pai Wen placed the money and the letter inside an envelop then asked a worker to bring it to Han Yan. Two hours later, the worker came back and gave the envelop to Pai Wen.

"Mr. Bo…"

Pai Wen frowned, "She didn't take it?"

"Yes…"

"What did she say?"

"She only told me to return this envelop to you."

"Did she write a letter for me?"

"No, she didn't."

The worker was about to say something else but he stopped. Pai Wen asked, "Is there something else?"

The worker stuttered, "Yes,…Mr. Bo, did you ask Ms. Zheng to quit her job?"

Pai Wen was quiet for a moment before shaking his head, "No. She wanted to quit."

The worker was surprised, "Mr. Bo,…Yet Miss Zheng cried when she received your letter."

Pai Wen was stunned. "She cried?"

The worker replied, bending his head, "Yes, she cried."

Pai Wen sighed, "Thank you. You can go back to work."

"Yes."

The worker glanced at Pai Wen then stepped out of the room, gently closing the door behind him. Pai Wen sunk down in the sofa, staring quietly at the letter on the desk. He really wanted to drive to Han Yan's house right away but tried not to. He muttered, "No, it's not possible…I must stop here…"

His hands covered his head, not knowing what to do. He was the only son and could not taint his whole family's name. He sighed again.

For three days, Pai Wen's only hope was to go straight to Han Yan's house but he kept himself from doing so. On the third day, he became irritated and annoyed at everything. He could not concentrate on his work. He was grumpy with all the workers. On the fourth day, he came to work early, sitting at the desk by himself. For the whole day, he did not say anything, did not do anything, even going to lunch. When it was evening, Pai Wen stood up, happiness dawned on his face as if he had solved a difficult problem. He told himself, "Why did I have to place so much importance on virginity? It's such an ancient view. It was not Han Yan's fault. It is her beautiful and pure soul that is more important. It was not her fault. She was just a pitiful victim."

Pai Wen suddenly felt that he was too narrow-minded. She was being honest with him yet he was too stubbornly conservative. He drove quickly to her house. He really wanted to see her. The car stopped in haste in front of the lane leading to Han Yan's house. He ran inside, hoping that she was at home. There were so many things he wanted to say to her. He thought to himself, "If she is not at home, I will wait until she comes home."

He stopped dead in his path as he saw the board on the door of her house, "For rent."

She has moved? He stood still for a long moment before knocking on the door, hoping that she was packing up and not yet leaving. An old woman opened the door for him, "Do you want to rent the place?"

Then she saw Pai Wen's well-cut suit, she was surprised of his appearance in a place like this. Pai Wen asked, "Can I ask whether Miss Zheng is still here?"

She shook her head, "She has moved out."

Pai Wen sighed, "When did she move out?"

"Yesterday's afternoon." The old woman looked at Pai Wen for a moment before saying, "If there's nothing else, I'll go to sleep."

Pai Wen asked quickly, "Do you know where she has moved to?"

"No."

Pai Wen took out a note and pressed into her hand, "Please let me take a look at the place." He hoped that Han Yan left something behind so he could find her. The old woman stared at the note in her hand and was stunned at the amount of money. Pai Wen asked, "Can I?"

She stepped back to let Pai Wen in. "Please come in."

Pai Wen walked in. The room was still the same yet Han Yan's belongings were gone. He felt as though her scent was still elusive in the air, as if she was still sitting there on the bed. He turned around, trying to get the image out of his head. He searched through the closets but could not find anything. Then he saw a crumpled piece of paper in the paper bin. He picked it up. Her writing was small.

"Pai Wen, why are you so cruel? Why are you so heartlessly narrow-minded? I could not believe that you sent, or more correctly, threw for me $10 000 so I won't bother you anymore. No, I don't need it. I won't bother you again.

Anyway, I will go back to my life as before you appeared. I will probably find another job, anything that I could earn money, or I could become the wife for someone whom I don't love. Pai Wen, can you see it? I am once again at the mercy of other people. Why is it like this? I did not do anything wrong."

Pai Wen was silent, holding the letter in his trembling hands. Only now he realized that his money had really hurt her as she thought that he despised her. She told him everything because she loved and trusted him yet he rejected her. Pai Wen sat down on the chair, hands supporting his head. He remembered her eyes, every moment he spent with her and felt like crying. She probably had decided to take a new road now. It was probably a dark road. Or she could do something disastrous in one desperate moment. Pai Wen scolded himself, "Pai Wen, why could you have been so cruel and selfish? Why didn't you come three days earlier? How will you find her now?"

Shaking his head, he decided, "No,…I must find Han Yan, no matter what…"

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