Die Another Day

"But Miss MoneyPenny? Nooooooooo...all she wants is sex. Nothing but sex. Where's the concern for James?"

Should Have Been Known As
Please Let Me Die Today So I Don't Have To Watch This Farce Of A Movie

or

In Cinema : Died Today

or

007 And His Missing Laser Beam Watch

Cast-Character
So few people, like James Bond (Pierce Brosnan), Miranda Frost (Miranda Pike), Jinx (Halle Berry), (M) Dame Judi Dench, Q (John Cleese) and one American-Korean dude and horror, horror! Kenneth Tsang Kong playing a Korean General whose name I really don't bother to remember. And whole lot of other walk on roles.

Plot
Like James Bond was captured by the North Koreans after some major hiccup in the top secret mission and James vowing to find the traitor. Before he could do just that, he was tortured daily (and horribly) by the North Koreans and became the object of hatred of the General's loony son who has a problem with anger management though he has an almost sympathetic General as an ally but almost is never enough. A year or so later, he was freed in exchange for another Korean POW and M never quite forgave James for not killing himself (because he threw away his cyanide pill). Everybody thought James betrayed the organisation and so James escaped to Iceland and many more exotic places to find who betrayed him. Along the way he met one frosty woman by the name of Miranda Frost who was working for a man named Gustav but actually, she is a double agent who turns out to be a triple agent, if you can figure out what I mean. Then there's Jinx, an African American secret agent also on the trail of the wanted Korean terrorist. The final showdown will be in Iceland inside the ice castle and guess who betrayed James? Guess how James saves the day and live to bed another woman? Guess how they all tried to die another day?

Ok, a cheap shot at being funny but at least I tried.

Comments
I was belittling Jason Bourne all the way, saying things like how I look forward to James, and the whole British secret agent. "They know how to be effective spies, Americans! What do they know!!".

Yeah, right. After watching this movie, it would be an understatement if I said I wanted to hack into SPCNET and delete that whole statement in my Bourne Identity review. I feel so ashamed for slamming the Matt Damon movie. Not that it was any better than this movie, but frankly Die Another Day makes me want to Die Today after watching it in a packed cinema. Mind you, PACKED CINEMA! What a let down! Why? YOU DARE TO ASK WHY? WHY?!?!? Well... just so many factors. Maybe I have such super duper high expectations but then, why? Perhaps let me count the way...

That's Not James Bond!!
Whilst I like the torture element, showing just how human James is, but well he is certainly well fed, considering one year later and dear James still look magnificent, albeit with all the unshaven face and that long messy hair. Not so sexy then but not too bad looking. But what gets to me is the producers want to make a new age James Bond. Making him more vulnerable, more human. No way! I want a remorseless James Bond. I want one who uses women to block off bullets when one minute ago he was kissing her passionately. I WANT A SUPER HUMAN JAMES BOND. That being said, I also do not want

A Superman Of A James Bond
There is a difference between Super Human and Super Man, like Super Hero type. Super Human means he can do things within the limitations of a human being, like Jackie Chan. Super Hero type is doing things beyond the scope of being human, like Chow Yun Fat's role in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Of course we don't have flying James Bond in this movie, but quite close.

In one ridiculously over the top scene that defies logic and insults viewers' intelligence, James Bond was trapped, between the enemy and the big bad sea. No choice, so James figured out an ingenious idea and that was when James lost his credibility. More to come, don't worry.

He surfs on the huge waves, both hands maneuvering the direction of the surf board with some parachute kind of thing with both his hands, pouting and looking very serious, moving his shoulders left to right, right to left and safely reaches a safe place, overcoming the huge menacing waves.

I don't think even Spiderman can do that! I can do a very good impression of that pout thing, and believe me, that scene could have been the worst if not for the following scenes....

This Is Not M and That Is Not MI6 !!
Yep, where's the intelligent hard core trustworthy and yet deadly M that I knew from the previous films? In here MI6 had to work with the American Secret Service (some branch I never heard of) and they were standing on top of a tower, facing the border between North and South Korea with some exploding mines coming their way, all they did was stand there and looked scared. Of course, perfectly logical to be scared. What I didn't like is the Americans giving orders to M, scolding her for the problems with James Bond and worst of all, Miranda Frost (which I don't mind revealing here since you would have known after 10 minutes into the movie), turned out to be an agent of MI6 and yet is also a double crosser, and so the Americans blamed M, why didn't she check her background that she went to school with Gustav the bad guy? The Americans would have done just that.

For God's sake, the Americans get their intelligence news from CNN! I was so offended for the British, taking orders from a country that doesn't understand guerilla warfare. I feel offended for M because M would have certainly checked Frost's background. No one is THAT CARELESS!!

James, You Have Been Kidnapped? Poor Thing! Ok, Now Rip Off Your Clothes ...
This was exactly the reaction of Miss MoneyPenny. I would have loved it if they had shown Miss MoneyPenny showing some concern for James. After all, she loved him, he was kidnapped, they were separated for a year or so. Even Q should have shown some concern. M shouldn't of course, because she had to remain impartial and she did distrust James. But Miss MoneyPenny? Nooooooooo...all she wants is sex. Nothing but sex. Where's the concern for James?

And James certainly recovered fast enough to start seducing women. No nightmares, no fear. In fact he is fearless. Of course that's a good thing but come on! You want a new age James Bond, a more human James Bond and yet those that reacts to his kidnapping (or lack of it) and James himself seems very inhuman. Very cold.

Jinx Sexy? Halle Berry Sizzles? Where?? When??
That supposed tribute of a scene, where Jinx rose from the waters and swaying sexily towards where James was standing...what's so sexy? I thought dear Jinx overdid the swaying action, and that eye contact was so forced, the sex scenes so bland and the entire Bond-Jinx thing was so over-hyped. Not to mention that so called Oscar winning actress wasn't giving a winning performance.

Frost Betrayed James, Right, How Convenient
Yeah, how convenient. We knew Frost betrayed James. Was she in some top secret section of MI6 as well? And why would she betray the MI6? To thank Gustav for killing her fencing competitor (she competed in the Plympics, the gold went to another champion who coincidentally died from mysterious causes, and so Frost got the gold by default)? Very grateful woman. I just find the whole betrayal thing so not the plot. I mean where is the plot??

Gustav Who?
I tell you, the recent Bond movies lacked a bona fide villain except for one which I shall elaborate later. Gustav is more maniac than evil. No credibility whatsoever and certainly gives a bad name to villains of the world!

Gadgets, Cool But No Use At All!
Yep, got gadgets, got a cool invicible car with the very welcomed presence of Aston Martin but other than that, no one particular gadget stood out. Not one.

In Times Of Emergency, Use Pliers
Imagine this; you're James Bond, your watch is a laser beam, your car could be invincible, your pen contains lethal poison, your ring could be a tiny camera. The bad guys are running away and boarding a plane. You have only seconds to spare but the wired fences is the only barrier between yourself and that darn plane. You got to get pass the wired fences before they're gone, foreverrrrr. What would you do? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

a. Use your laser beam Omega watch.
b. Use your mini torpedo to blast a hole through the wired fences;

OR

c. Use pliers, cut through the wires one by one until it leaves a gap big enough for you to pass through.

Guess what? In a joke of a scene, James used C. I guess Q should have kicked James in his arse eh?

The Performances Evaluated
Pierce Brosnan is too old to play James Bond. He has passed the sexy stage and has now reach the egomaniac stage. I look at him and I see one arrogant old aged man in need of a kick just to test if he is alive and well. He was never an excellent actor but somehow fame has given him this smug look. I hate this James Bond.

Halle Berry may have won an Oscar for her role in Monster's Ball, but I still feel she is one overrated actress, like Gwyneth Paltrow. She tries so hard to be sexy in here, I just don't feel it. It's not because of her skin colour mind you, it's just her. Her Jinx is so darn boring, nothing much to show off and very little acting chop is required. And yet she can't give a decent performance. If anyone finds her entrance scene as sexy, special and drool-licious, I guess we are all very easily satisfied.

Kenneth Tsang is perhaps one of the few Asian actors who found work in big film with small but significant roles. And guess what? His performance is a pain to watch. I do not know when this started, but some years ago he already developed that smug look. And look at him now, so grown up in the smug department. I just despise his "I know it all" look or that "I am a big star" look. His acting is such a bad, bad start of introduction of many more talented Asian actors trying to find a voice in the western cinema. Even Jet Li can act better than this man.

One delightful performance with a really sorry state of a role is Rosamund Pike. She was beautiful in the cold sort of way, in fact the name Miranda Frost suits her perfectly. She could act, she is very young (younger than me!) and she has potential. But her role should not be the judge of her talent.

John Cleese who has more role in here than in Harry Potter certainly make the whole movie watchable but ahhhh....too short an appearance. Nevertheless a good one.

Don't blame Judi Dench for her less intelligent M. She still gives M the integrity we are all familiar with but she could have been so much more better. This role of M in this movie does not do any justice to the great Judi Dench.

Everybody else, including Madonna, gave mediocre performance. Nothing much to say.

Verdict
I have always felt Sophie Marceau's Bond Villain was the best of my generation. A woman and yet truly evil. Robert Carlyle gave credibility to that same movie entitled The World Is Not Enough. In fact it was a magnificent performance by all concerned and the plot was unexpected, very exciting.

But this latest Bond film is nothing more than a farce, and insult to Ian Fleming's cool creation and the former Bonds. All of them. The stunts are over the top. Don't they realise that it's not just the stunts that maketh James Bond but the exotic location? Well none in here. When in the past James Bond movie was designed for the normal individuals to escape into the dangerous and yet exotic world of James Bond, with cool gadgets, never been seen before locations and some evil plot by some evil men plus plenty of beautiful women...it's all about sin without much lewd details. That is why men wants to be Bond and women wants to be next to Bond.

But guess what? This movie has none of that, unless you count the first sex scene ever shown in a Bond film. What's the big deal? Sex or no sex, this movie is a bummer.

Take my advice; avoid it.

You know what? Watch it! Watch the pliers and the wired fence scene and then you'll know why I would say avoid it. You be the judge.

Interesting Fact
The guy who plays that useless villain, Gustav is actually the son of Dame Maggie Smith! Shocking, because I can't see the resemblance. At least mommy has a better movie in the box office.

Interesting Speculation
If Pierce Brosnan were to retire (which I hope he would real soon) who should be James Bond? Though they had a disastrous Australian as Bond years ago, I am sure being of English parentage would spell only success. Yes I want Hugh Jackman to be James Bond before he becomes too wrinkly. A poll voted for George Clooney but frankly, he can take over Ethan Hunt. I want an English - Scottish - Irish - Welsh-Australian to be Bond. Anybody who could be believable as suave and all. With an accent. Of course Clooney has American accent but he twitches too much. Too old. Give me HUGH JACKMAN!!