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Thread: In the Midst of Retribution *Ancient FanFic*

  1. #1
    Senior Member aznangl426's Avatar
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    Jul 2005

    Default In the Midst of Retribution *Ancient FanFic*

    Hi everyone! This is lik my 2nd fanfic, so tak it easy on me. Give me some advice on wat needs to change and wat's good and all. Just leave a comment. I just looove reading comments. Good and bad ones.
    Su You Peng (Alec)
    Jia Jing Wen (Alyssa)
    Tsai Lin (Chae Rim)
    Lin Xin Ru (Ruby)
    Guo Yuan Yuan
    Jia Qing Tian*
    Liu Jie Chang*
    (Aunt) Tsai Fong Yi*
    (* = made up pplz.)

    This story revolves around a case. Hope that helps. <-Visit US!

  2. #2
    Senior Member aznangl426's Avatar
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    Jul 2005

    Default Prologue

    .............From what he could see, it was still night. The moon was swathed in thick dark clouds. Violent wind sent leaves and twigs clattering against the window pane. The noise was probably what had caused him to awake. He shrugged and was about to pull the sheets over his shoulders again, but he stopped as he heard something, and it was not twigs or leaves. He turned to a corner of the room that was hidden in shadows. He narrowed his eyes. There was something in the shadows, or rather, someone.
    .............".............Liu Jie bastard! Had you not said we were friends?" a voice drifted from the shadows, gaining volume as it continued on, "Why?!?!" A slightly transcluent figure seemingly 'drifted' it's way towards him. The figure was drapped in a tattered white garment, stained with dried blood.
    .............His face went pale. A terrified look was on his face. 'It can't be.' He shook his head. "You can't be here! You're dead! You're suppose to be dead..." He swallowed as he saw another figure emerge from the shadows, and then another, and then another. "Jiu Miiiiiiiiiiiing! (Save Me)" He screamed as he scampered to the edge of his bed pulling the bedsheets with him. "Jiu Miiiiing!!!!"
    ............."Lao Yeh! Lao Yeh! (Master)" Several maids crowded it's way around his bedside as they tried to calm down their terrified master.
    .............Cold sweat drenched his forehead as he tried to steady himself. His heart was beating out of control and his breathing was uneasy. "Zhao Wang Fong is dead already. He can't come back. They're all dead." He reassured himself. "They're all dead, they can't come back."
    ............."If they're dead, then they can still come back as spirits. Can't they?" One of the maids unintentionally thought out loud. There was a long silence that followed after.
    ............."Bun dan. (Stupid)" One of the older maids remarked.
    ............."Ni jiao wo sha ma? (What did you call me?)" Yuan Yuan glared. <-Visit US!

  3. #3
    Senior Member aznangl426's Avatar
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    Jul 2005

    Default Chapter 1

    ...........A man, a little past middle-aged, sat impatiently in an elegantly carved rosewood chair. He brought a porcelain teacup up to his lips, took a sip, and set it back down onto the small table besides him. A few minutes passed by. He tapped his fingers on the armrest, letting out a puff of breath.
    ...........He looked up immediately at the sound of approaching footsteps. Two men, one about his age and the other, a young man he had not seen before. They appeared to be engaged in conversation as they made their way towards him. He quickly stood up. “Da Ge! (Elder Brother)” He greeted enthusiastically.
    ...........“So I suppose it is set then.” the older man continued on, ignoring him.
    ...........“Jia Da Ren (Official Jia), it seems that you have a guest awaiting.” The young man directed the older man’s attention to the guest. “I better be on my way now.” He excused him self.
    ...........“You Peng, no need to be in such a hurry. Let me introduce you to a dear friend of mine.” Jia Qing Tian signaled for the Jie Chang to come. “This is my brother in law, Liu Jie Chang.”
    ...........“It is a pleasure to meet Liu Yeh (Master Liu).” You Peng nodded in acceptance. “Zhai Xia, Su You Peng,. (I am Su You Peng.)”
    ...........“Su You Peng? As in Su Da Ren?” His eyes widen in disbelief. “If I had not met you in person I would have thought you were at least my age. Never would I have believed that a young man such as yourself could obtain such a high rank in the imperial court.” He shook his head. “Impressive. Indeed impressive.”
    ...........“Liu Yeh, qwua jiang la. (Master Liu is exaggerating.)” You Peng chuckled in embarrassment. “Jia Da Ren and Liu Yeh, I must really be on my way now.”
    ...........Qing Tian quickly turned around to address one of his doormen. “Tai Jian! Escort Su Da Ren to his qiu (carriage).”
    ...........“What is it this time?” His earlier display of politeness immediately disappeared. “To borrow money? What is it? I don‘t have much time today. I have somewhere to go.”
    ...........“Da Ge (Elder Brother) you need to help me…” Jie Chang pleaded as he clung onto his sleeve.
    ...........“Help you with what!” He flung Jie Chang’s hand off of his arm and straightened out the wrinkles on his sleeve.
    ...........“It’s Zhao Wang Fong! He’s come to get me; him and his family.” He cried as he once again tried to cling onto his brother in law’s arm only to be shoved away.
    ...........“How many TIMES do I need to TELL you? THEY’RE DEAD! DEAD! Buried beneath the earth!” Qing Tian took a deep breath. “Jie Chang, how can they come and get you?”
    ...........“As spirits…” He shivered as he recalled what one of his maids had said.
    ...........Qing Tian shook his head in disbelief. That question was not intended to be answered.
    ...........“Da Ge! I have not had that dream for nearly 20 years now. They’ve come back! They’re WARNING us. Me AND you….” <-Visit US!

  4. #4
    Senior Member aznangl426's Avatar
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    Default Chapter 2

    …………The sun was nowhere to be found, hidden behind the dark and angry clouds. Rain threatened to fall at any given moment, but now was not the time.
    …………A man in a tattered white garment was led out into the cleared space before the judge. His hands were chained behind him. Strands of his hair were unbounded.
    …………“Wang Fong!” A woman screamed from the crowd, desperately trying to push past the guards. “He’s innocent….” She pleaded helplessly. Besides her stood her maid, carrying a child in her arms. People whispered and murmured to each other through the crowd.
    …………A man uniformed in a silky red robe took his place behind a large rosewood de
    …………“Zhao Wang Fong, how dare you not kneel before a judge! You are now a criminal brought in front of justice, how dare you not kneel! Now KNEEL!” A man that stood besides the judge ordered. “Jia Da Ren it’s about time.” He whispered into the judge’s ear.
    …………Everyone silenced.
    …………“Justice? You call this justice?” The man scoffed. “I have committed no crime. I should not have even been brought here! What JUSTICE is this?” He spat on the ground. “I’m an INNOCENT! I‘ve been framed!” He stated. “Jia Tian Qing you framed me!”
    …………The two men that led him out approached him once again, shoving him to his knees, regardless of his struggling and screaming.
    …………“We already have evidence and….a witness. What more do you need?” Jia Tian Qing reached for a slender piece of wood from a container that sat on the edge of the tabletop. He closed his eyes and hesitated for a moment before tossing it into the air. His eyes had not once met with those of Zhao Wang Fong, his sworn brother whom he, himself, had sentenced to death. Quickly, he left his seat. He knew that what he had done today would haunt him for the rest of his days or at least his guilt would. But, for one his purpose had been fulfilled.
    …………The flat piece of wood fell to the dirt. A stout man carrying an over polished sword walked up to Wang Fong wearing a fiendish grin.
    …………“WANG FONG!!!” The woman screamed as the sword came down on her husband.
    …………As his blood splattered to the ground it was immediately washed away by the long expected rain that had just begun to fall. Even the heaven sympathized him and began to pour.
    …………The storm had not yet ceased. Heavy raindrops can still be heard hammering against the window.
    …………On the dinner table not one dish was touched. It had already been this way since Wang Fong had been taken away.
    …………“Xiao Jie (Lady)…you must eat something. Gu Yeh (Lady‘s Husband) won‘t be coming back we must start without him.” Qing Er knew what was in her lady’s mind, but she had to live on with or with out Gu Yeh. It was becoming heartbreaking to see her like this.
    …………“Qing Er! We never start dinner without Gu Yeh. How many times do I need to tell you this? Do I need to punish you in order for you to understand?” She sighed.
    …………“Xiao Jie, you can beat me, punish me, or even leave me in the rain tonight as long as I have your words that you will carry on. If you keep this up, I’m afraid you might not be able to…Gu Yeh won’t be coming back anymore. Xiao Jie…” Her words were drowned out by tears.
    …………“Bring Xiao Peng here. Please Qing Er, bring him to me.” Yue Mei said softly.
    …………Her maid quickly smeared her tears away with the back of her hand. “Does this mean you won’t starve yourself tonight?” Her eyes reflected her relief. “I’ll go right away!” Qing Er hurried out of her seat and out of the dining room.
    …………Qing Er returned with a child asleep in her arms but just when she entered the room, she heard a cry. Her eyes widened, it had belonged to her Xiao Jie. She rushed into the dining room in time to see flames quickly spreading onto the wooden furniture. The drapes had already caught on fire. “Xiao Jie!!” Qing Er held Xiao Peng close to her, trying to calm him down. The smoke was already unbearable. It was also becoming hard to see through the smog. Qing Er covered her covered her mouth with the palm of her hand. “Xiao Jie! Ni Zai Nar? (Where are you?)”
    …………A large piece of wood dislodged itself from somewhere above. Qing Er saw something lying beneath it. Her eyes widen as she identified it to be…“XIAO JIE!” She hurried towards her but, just then, a flaming torch was thrown in through the window. It landed in front of her, blocking her way. “XIAO JIE!” Qing Er cried as she saw the beam land on Yue Mei.
    …………She gasped in pain. Blood escaped between her lips. “Qing Er, take Xiao Peng and…” She whispered, “GO…!” Yue Mei managed to say with her last breath.
    **********END OF FLASHBACK********** <-Visit US!

  5. #5
    Senior Member aznangl426's Avatar
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    ...........The scarlet sunset shown faintly between the leaves. Dull patches of light were scattered here and there. Leaves and twigs crunched as they were stepped on. A bird squawked in alarm somewhere to his left, flying off. He had come later then he had intended today, being delayed. The sun was merely a whisper now.
    ...........Ahead, he saw a small treeless enclosure. Shadows hid almost half of the area from view. Slowly, he approached it. A leaf fell from a nearby tree, landing on his shoulder and then drifting to the ground. Before him were two upright stones; gravestones. He sighed, dropping to his knees. “Dieh, Niang…Wo huei lai la. (Father, Mother…I‘ve returned.)” You Peng dusted off the shriveled leaves that had fallen onto the stones.
    ================================================== ======
    ...........A qiu came to an abrupt stop in front of a rather large mansion.
    ...........A man walked over to the side of the qiu where the window was. “Su Da Ren, wo men dao la. (Official Su, We‘re there.)”
    ...........It was already nightfall. He had to admit, he had taken an awfully long time. He saw someone strolling back and forth in front of the front entrance. A smile appeared on his face as he recognized the person. You Peng slowly came up behind her.
    ...........Tsai Lin grip tightened on her sword as she felt someone’s presence behind her. She closed her eyes for a second before slowly drawing her sword from her sheath. Within a second’s time, she had the edge of her sword against the throat of the person behind her. Tsai Lin’s eyes widen. Quickly she removed the sword from his neck and shoved it back into it’s sheath. “You Peng.” She greeted as if nothing had ever happened and walked into the mansion.
    ...........You Peng lightly touched his neck with his finger. He glanced at his fingers, fresh blood was smeared on it. “If this happens every time I come home, I’ll lose my head sooner or later.”
    ...........Tsai Lin bit down on her lip as she turned around at his remark. “Alright, I’m sorry. It can’t hurt that much. You’re fine now aren’t you?”
    ...........“Besides, why were you outside anyway?” You Peng asked.
    ...........Her face flushed under his stare. “I…”
    ...........“If you were waiting for me, you could’ve waited inside. I don’t want you catching a cold because of me.” <-Visit US!

  6. #6
    Senior Member aznangl426's Avatar
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    Default Author's Note

    I suck don't I? <-Visit US!

  7. #7
    Senior Member HookOnRice's Avatar
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    Sep 2002


    I don't think it suck!
    Good plot so far. Keep up the good work!

  8. #8
    Member jin_yong_fan's Avatar
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    Jul 2005
    in a place where the latitude and longitude intersect


    actually i don think u suck......the more u rite the better u get.....i think ur pretty good......and u do hav a nice plot.......plz continue!!!!!!!!!!
    The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

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