WHAT IF ELEGANT ERKANG WERE PAIRED UP WITH PERKY XYZ?

[grace]

WHAT IF ELEGANT ERKANG WERE PAIRED UP WITH PERKY XYZ?

Disclaimer: This parody is written in jest and for fun only. It is not to be taken seriously.

Fast rewind Hz2 to when the group of friends were attacked by the Wang Hou’s assassins. EK was injured, but it was his left leg that was wounded. Somehow, he and XYZ managed to escape together and hide out in a remote village. As for the others, they are not important in this parody.

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ERKANG and XYZ’s NIGHTMARE


Chapter 1 A Bad Situation

Er Kang’s fever induced by his leg’s wound finally broke. XYZ was changing his soiled bandages but her non-too gentle action caused Er Kang to yelp out in pain. Er Kang gave her his infamous withering stare, (yeah, just like the one he gave XYZ when she lost Zi Wei in Hz2) and said impatiently, ‘qing dian, qing dian.’(gently) But this XYZ was not that piteous XYZ burdened with a guilty conscience. This XYZ was already fed up with a delirious Er Kang who had moaned Zi Wei’s name day and night, while slipping in and out of consciousness. His fitful sleep had interrupted XYZ’s own sleep, and her dreams of Yong Qi. Not only did she have to nurse Er Kang back to health, she had to cook, too. Added to that, she had to mope up Er Kang’s vomit because her cooking was BAD! No wonder she was a foul mood. Now, to make a bad situation worse, they were running out of money fast.


Chapter 2 A Hen, a Duck and a Rooster in a Pressure Cooker

Now that Er Kang had regained consciousness, and was able to hobble around, he was getting on XYZ’s already frayed nerves. Besides pining over Zi Wei, Er Kang had taken up writing rambling poetry and, worse, reciting them aloud, between sighs. (How Musha could stand the defiant Er Kang moping over Zi Wei for 7 long months is beyond my comprehension. Is it because of the power it gives her in ‘breaking’ a ‘wild heaven horse’ (Tian Ma), or is it truly (sigh) true love? Nah!) To earn some money, XYZ decided to ‘mai yi’ (street show) but she wasn’t very successful. After another evening of exasperating dialogues with Er Kang, (XYZ could not understand Er Kang’s chengyu – something like a hen talking to a duck), she went for a walk in the town square. A commotion caught her attention, goody, it was a cockfight. (The same cockfight that had happened in Hz2, except this time, Yong Qi wasn’t in it) Anyway, when the fight ended, XYZ was the proud owner of a big ferocious dyed-black rooster. With a big grin pasted on her face, and her bottle-cap eyes bright with glee, she skipped home with her precious prize.

Er Kang was horrified when XYZ told him that the rooster would sleep with her, for Er Kang was a man who valued cleanliness as well as ‘goodliness’. Due to pecuniary reason, they had been sharing a room. Mustering all his dignity, Er Kang said with authority, ‘I forbid you to bring that....that thing in here.’ XYZ shrugged and with a smirk said, ’Make me.’ No contest - the rooster stayed. It earned its keep by being a prize cock fighter. Talk about three’s a crowd; that room was a pressure cooker about to explode.


Chapter 3 Er Kang’s Stress Releaser

Previously, strips of Er Kang’s hair had turned grey (like Yang Guo in ‘the Return of the Condor Heroes) from missing his Zi Wei. Now, after living a few days with an unhygienic, noisy rooster, his hair began to drop from stress. He could not sleep or eat, and he was going stir-crazy. Crazy from missing his Zi Wei, crazy from listening to XYZ incessant, gibberish babbles to the rooster, and the rooster’s indiscriminate crowing day and night, crazy from eating bad food, crazy from cabin fever and, most of all, crazy at the thought of losing his hair. My poor, poor Er Kang. Well, Er Kang is not my perfect Er Kang for nothing. To stave off his encroaching craziness, he drew strength from deep within his soul. He did what any sane contemporary MAN would do; he pounded his head against the wall to de-stress himself. Now that his head was cleared, he knew what he had to do next –get a job and get away from XYZ and that rooster. After all, his motto was, “people’s will could overcome fate”. (人定勝天) He hobbled to the town square, and being a resourceful man, quickly set up a literary service stand to earn his livelihood. He helped customers to compose letters, ‘dui lian’, poetry and anything that’s literary. He was not too successful initially, because his writings and words were too flowery for the locals to understand and appreciate. Although it hurt him to write crudely, he had to go with the market demand.


Chapter 4 An Uneasy Truce

XYZ and Er Kang called it truce when XYZ finally agreed to cage the rooster whenever it was left alone in the room. To demarcate each other’s territory, a curtain was hung across the room. However, one day, Er Kang came home to find the curtain blanketing the floor. With eyes bulging, he saw that all the poetry, letters, painting etc that he had so meticulously written were stained with a disgusting pukey mess. In fact, there’s mess everywhere and the room stunk to high heaven. The rooster had escaped from its cage! There it was, fixing its beady eyes at Er Kang. Eyeing Er Kang with its beady eyes, it crowed triumphantly. That was the last straw; EK tore at his grey hair. That’s how elegant semi-bald Er Kang became stress-out bald Er Kang. He was so distraught that he ran out to pound on and kick at a big tree outside.

Just then, XYZ happened to come home tugging onto a bleating nanny goat. In between the crowing of the haughty rooster and Er Kang’s explosive expletives, XYZ quickly surmised the situation. To calm frenzy Er Kang down, XYZ clumsily but quickly squirted some warm milky liquid from the goat’s underbelly into a bowl, and gingerly offered it to him. Being a protein girl, it’s the best that she could think of to show her contrition. But unbeknownst to her, Er Kang was allergic to milk protein, and immediately broke into hives, and itchy bumps erupted on his skin when he drained the bowl of milk. Sad to say, because of this unfortunate event, their initial plan of moving on in a few days to search for the others had to be postponed.



Chapter 5 Blame it on Idleness

That night, Er Kang moved to another room. It was that or the duo would have a roasted rooster and a barbecued goat for dinner. Moreover, Er Kang needed to get away from that ‘energizer that goes on and on’ XYZ. Meanwhile, XYZ had put on weight because of lack of exercises, (no daily ‘sword-fighting’ practices with Yong Qi) and over-eating due to boredom. Er Kang detested her cooking, so she got to eat his share of the food, too. One day, after an especially exciting cockfight, (in which her rooster won), XYZ was chased by the sore loser and his friend. She ran and ran but, unluckily, she ran into a dead alley. But, wait, the wall shouldn’t stop her, after all, she knew ‘qing gong’. (leaping kung fu) But to her chagrin, she found that she was now too heavy to even lift her feet off the ground, let alone flew over the wall. Well, being a brave young lady, she did the only thing that she could do; she CHARGED at the two scrawny bullies and, of course, knocked them down like ninepins. There’s something to be said about being rotund. The incident woke XYZ up. She vowed to get on a crash diet immediately.


Chapter 6 Reconciliation

Now that the couple had their own space, and XYZ’s cooking had gotten better, Er Kang and XYZ became less irritable with each other. Hey, Er Kang even enjoyed eating his share of his meal, and when in good mood, would teach XYZ sword fighting. To pass the time, he even told XYZ a story called ‘Shi Shui Chuan’, which so enthralled XYZ that she took to reading the book herself. When she had insomnia, Er Kang would go over and recite one of his hypnotic poetry, which would instantly send XYZ to snoozeland. As for Er Kang, he appreciated XYZ’s optimism and bubbly personality. When he was melancholic, XYZ would cheer him up with her silly antics. (Just like she did with Huang Ah Ma). Er Kang had to admit that XYZ was never boring, just tiring. But oh, how he missed his exquisite Zi Wei, his protein girl.



Chapter 7 The Joyful Reunion

Life went on for the two, until Zi Wei, Yong Qi and the others finally found them; the flow of tears, the sounds of laughter, and the emotions of joy were abundant and unrestrained. No words could illustrate that indescribable moment, so this writer will not attempt to. Luckily by now, XYZ was down to her normal weight, and, black stubbles could be seen sprouting on Er Kang’s baldpate. Ah! All’s well that end’s well.

THE END

[invisible_dolphinbay]

this is such an interesting and original story. and i especially liked it because er kang was the victim in this story it was a thrill to read . you know how much my cousins and i enjoyed watching er kang getting off of drugs. in the beginning, when it showed zi wei playing the qing for him and him holding the tea, you know how in the beginning his hand was shaking, and then his hand shook less and zi wei stopped playing. well, we thought that qiong yao wanted to use that to symbolize that er kang was better and we were so disappointed. haha. we were so happy when er kang asked how much time passed and zi we answered "san ge shi chen" hahahahhah (okay, i sound evil)

back to your story. i also really really liked your story becuase its real (in the HZGG real sense) i could almost imagine it. if qiong yao put that selection in, the story wouldn't have seemed wrong. also, its short, brief, but very "filled" this also kind of answeres my "imaginative" coupling question. Ek and XYZ would be a disaster, though i was touched when i read your last part about how EK would recite hypnotic poetry to XYZ, almost like an older brother.

[ghostdarTeal'c]

a truly funny story, grace....xyz being the same old same old xyz and of course, er kang being helpless and bullied by the bird, nothing can top that....

[tweety365]

Grace - you had me falling off my seat laughing! My goodness... too funny . How did you come up with such thoughts. Bravo ! I love how the details are concise and to the point. Your descriptions match EK and XYZ so well. I can just imagine them acting like that. Do you have any more parody? I would love to read them. I'm going to have to save this and re-read later on when I'm feeling bored.

[big master]

that was really hilarious! it was like it was really a part of theseries...i wish it really happened coz while reading it, it was as if i am watching it! how worst could it get...and imagine the part in hzgg2 wherein there was a mistake of couples at the wedding...EK and XYZ together! bwahahaha hope to read more of your parodies very entertaining tnx