Mobile Suit Gundam - The Second Century (Part 1: Prelude 0099)

[sheraldine]

The Cour De Leon explodes into fiery wreckage.

“ATHENA!!!!” Jolie screams in horror.

Episode 10 to be concluded!!!

i can scream out an answer, but i dont want to be the spoiler...

[Ken Cheng]

i can scream out an answer, but i dont want to be the spoiler...

Well, we all know that Athena is going to survive, because she has to appear in Part 2 and Part 3.

But the question now is: how?

[Ken Cheng]

Episode 10: The Conclusion!!!

The light of the explosion clears.

Jolie looks at Oskar’s black Sazabi MK-II, an armored Grim Reaper, through tears that all but blind her vision. Her teeth clench in rage, and her hands tremble angrily on the control levers of the Centurion Gundam.

“YOU MONSTER!!! YOU KILLED ATHENA!!! YOU KILLED MY SISTER!!!” Jolie rages.

With an anguished scream, Jolie assaults the Sazabi like a bolt of unleashed lightning. Jolie’s shots disable the Sazabi’s arms and legs before even Oskar can react.

True to Athena’s prediction, Jolie’s mind is now centered and focused: she has but one goal now – destroy Braniff Oskar.

“I’m gonna send you straight to hell!” Jolie vows, her heart aching, her eyes flashing with the flame of her unleashed Newtype powers.

Braniff Oskar is amazed as he sees the image of a fiery white phoenix appear in space behind the Centurion Gundam for the briefest of moments. What kind of a being is this Gundam pilot?

His mobile suit disabled, Braniff Oskar opens the cockpit hatch and floats out of the mecha. His mecha may be crippled, but he hasn’t lost the battle yet.

Oskar throws an object towards the Centurion Gundam’s head/camera unit. The object, a bomb, magnetizes itself to the Gundam’s armored head.

The bomb explodes, blowing the Federation mobile suit’s head unit off.

In the Centurion Gundam’s cockpit, all of Jolie’s viewscreens and monitors go dark. The Centurion Gundam is “blind” and “deaf.”

Not that the sensors and cameras would have availed Jolie much. With his mobile suit disabled, Oskar intends to settle this fight bodily, without mobile suits. Jolie decides it’s just as well. She wants to see Oskar’s face when she kills him.

Jolie unfastens the safety restraints of her cockpit seat, opens the cockpit hatch, and floats into space, looking for her quarry.

Jolie activates the mini rocket pack built into her normalsuit. She searches for her enemy.

The human eye is limited in what it can detect in the endless cosmos, but the scope of the human mind is much greater, if it is used to its fullest potential. Zeon Daikun once said that the human mind could touch Eternity itself if unrestricted by gravity.

Jolie’s mind searches for the singularity of her enemy. She finds a void…an emptiness save for the presence of one.

But there is a second presence, one that seems familiar...

Jolie sees him at last. The glint of his weapon in the distance.

Jolie reaches to her belt for her sidearm, but her weapon is not there.

Damn! Jolie realizes. She had left her sidearm with Athena after their last fight, and Jolie never had the chance to retrieve her weapon before joining the battle against Oskar.

Jolie is alone in space facing off against the One Strike Killer, and she is unarmed.

Jolie engages her rocket pack at maximum speed to put some distance between herself and Oskar, but Oskar follows suit.

Can’t outrun him, Jolie realizes, Maybe I should try to close in on him and fight him hand-to-hand. I’d have the advantage there.

True, and indeed Jolie would, but there is simply too great a distance between herself and Oskar to make that idea feasible. His lethal shot would strike her dead before she could get even close to striking distance with her fists or her feet.

Oskar takes aim at Jolie, directly at the visor of her helmet, This is the end of you, child.

Jolie knows that she is doomed. What would lie in the world beyond? Would she see her parents, her brother, and Athena again?

“Jolie!” Athena’s voice comes through Jolie's helmet radio receiver.

Jolie has no time to even be surprised. She sees Athena, normalsuited and apparently unharmed, floating just a few meters away. Athena hurls a tiny metallic object in Jolie’s direction.

Jolie catches the object. It is her sidearm, the Walter hand pistol that Athena had given her for Christmas.

With no time to think, Jolie acts instinctively, firing her pistol not at Braniff Oskar, but at the Centurion Gundam’s nearby armored bulk.

A bullet leaves the muzzle of Oskar’s handgun.

Another bullet, the one fired by Jolie, ricochets off the armor of the Centurion Gundam.

Jolie’s bullet arcs towards Oskar’s approaching bullet.

The two bullets collide. Jolie’s bullet disappears into the cosmos.

Oskar’s bullet is deflected in a trajectory that sends it through the center of Oskar’s helmet, finally lodging itself in Oskar’s cerebrum.

Oskar has time for one final word before he slips into Eternity, the only word his lips have uttered in over twenty years, “Unbelievable.”

The One Strike Killer…strike that, the One Miss Killer, is dead.

To the end, he had only missed once.

Braniff Oskar, brutally efficient to the end, has claimed his last victim: himself.


Athena and Jolie float into the cockpit of the Centurion Gundam together. They seal the cockpit hatch, and pure oxygen and atmospheric pressure suitable for human survival soon flood the tiny space

Athena and Jolie doff their helmets. Jolie buries her head in Athena’s chest and begins sobbing, “’THENA! Oh, Athena…I thought Oskar had killed you!”

Athena, also sobbing, embraces Jolie tightly, “I’m all right, Jolie. Thanks to you, I’m all right.”

The two young women hold each other tightly for several long minutes, letting their relief and the bitterness that defined the past few days between them wash out in sobs. After they have composed themselves somewhat, Jolie asks, ‘How were you able to…?”

Athena wipes away her tears and says with a smile, “I bailed out just seconds before Oskar fired the shot. I had a feeling you would need this.”

Athena indicates the silver Walther hand pistol now in Jolie’s belt holster.

“Oh, Athena,” Jolie says with a grin, “You’re always so smart. I would have been dead if you hadn’t…”

Athena says, “We’re a team. Together, we can beat any enemy…any odds. But…I don’t know if you want to continue being with me as a team.”

“Of course I do!” Jolie declares passionately, “I came back because…because I couldn’t lose you, ‘Thena. I couldn’t lose my best friend…my sister.”

Athena, moved to tears, holds Jolie closer, “I know. We’ll always be best friends…sisters-at-arms, no matter what.”

The Centurion Team shows up, having escorted the shuttle bearing the ISR leaders to safety.

Sgt. Karim Abdul Al-Said’s voice comes through the Centurion Gundam’s radio, “This is Centurion Three. Jolie? Are you all right? Where’s Athena?”

“I’m all right,” Jolie answers her teammate happily, “So’s Athena. We’re both OK and ready to go home.”

Jolie and Athena can hear the smile in Karim’s voice, “Roger that, ma’ams. Ready to escort the both of you back to base.”

“Let’s go home, Big Sis,” Jolie smiles at Athena.

Athena nods, “Lead on, Little Sis.”

The Centurion Team, intact but for one lost mobile suit, returns to Side 3.


December 31, U.C. 0098, 23:45.

Another year is about to end. It has been a long year for the members of the Centurion Team of the Earth Federation Special Forces.

Jolie finds Athena standing alone on an observational balcony on the roof of the Zeon Royal Palace, from which Athena’s ancestors once addressed the people of the empire they ruled.

The two young Special Forces officers are back in uniform. Athena notes that with satisfaction.

“So you’re certain you want to continue serving with me on the team?” Athena asks.

Jolie smiles, “Where else would I go? Like I said the other day: we’re sisters, and I have to be around to watch your back.”

Athena adds, “So you don’t mind having a Zabi for a so-called ‘sister,’ eh?”

Jolie shakes her head, “Minerva Zabi isn’t my ‘sister,’ but Athena Ibaz is. Minerva Zabi is dead. Athena Ibaz isn’t.”

Athena smiles, “Now you understand what I had to go through when I had to separate Mafty from Hathaway.”

Jolie nods, fully realizing now the dilemma that Athena must have faced back in Shanghai after she realized that she had fallen in love with one of the enemy.

Jolie notices that Athena is wearing the gold pocketwatch she had given to Athena for Christmas, “That gold pocketwatch looks really nice on you with the uniform.”

Athena grins, “Thank you. It does look very nice. You have good taste, Jolie.”

Jolie returns the grin, “I guess I do. I chose you to be my best friend, after all.”

The two friends embrace warmly. Now that they have overcome their bitter conflicts of the past few months and no longer withhold any secrets from each other, their friendship has grown stronger and more unbreakable than ever. Whatever crises the future may hold, Athena and Jolie know they can face them together.

On that subject, Jolie ventures, “What about the future, Athena? What’s going to happen next?”

“It’s funny that you mention it,” Athena replies, “because one of the things that I called you up here to tell you is that we’ve been reassigned.”

“Reassigned?” Jolie says, “Where? To do what?”

Athena says gravely, “General Noah has returned from the Asteroid Belt. The Neo Zeon are about to engage in full-scale civil war. Officially, that’s none of the Federation’s business, and we can’t and shouldn’t intervene, but the Security Council has unanimously decided that it would be a good idea for the Special Forces to go out there and monitor the situation…to prevent the conflict from spreading into Federation space if it comes to that. I’m inclined to agree.”

Jolie nods in understanding, “That means we might get a chance to face… Alexander Miguel.”

Athena replies, “Yes, the opportunity you’ve been waiting for might finally be coming, Jolie. When the time comes, you’ll have my full support.

Jolie glasps Athena’s hands in friendship, “Thanks, ‘Thena. I know I can always count on you.”

Athena rubs the back of Jolie’s head fondly, “And I, you, First Lieutenant Minh.”

Jolie replies, “Yeah, of course, and I…wait. Did you say ’First’ Lieutenant?”

Athena smiles, “That’s the other thing I needed to tell you. General Noah has been monitoring our work here at Side 3, and he’s been quite pleased with the results. You and I have been promoted one grade, Jolie. From now on, you’re going to need to address me as ‘Major.’”

Major Athena Ibaz.

“Wow, cool!” Jolie enthuses, then salutes, “Major Ibaz, ma’am! 1Lt. Jolie Minh reporting, ma’am!”

“At ease, Lieutenant,” Athena returns the salute, proud of the excellent soldier Jolie has become.

Jolie asks, “So when are we leaving Side 3?”

Athena replies, “Tomorrow. We’ll be stopping at Side 7 for a month to prepare for our mission in the Asteroid Belt, which will likely take us away from Cislunar Space for at least six months, if indeed not longer. We’re being assigned to the new space battleship Amuro Ray, commanded by Captain Beecher Olech. We’re also adding five additional new members to the Centurion Team.”

“Five new members?” Jolie says, “Whoa…that doubles our team’s membership.”

Athena nods, “Yes. I’ve heard that one of the new pilots is a Newtype like you and me, Jolie. He’ll be assigned to our team with a second Centurion Gundam that Anaheim Electronics has just rolled out. He’ll be under your direct command.”

“He?” Jolie asks, curious, “Under my direct command? You mean I’m getting my own junior executive officer?”

“Be nice to him,” Athena smiles, “Don’t scare him away.”

“I hope he’s cute,” Jolie says wistfully.


A few minutes later, Athena and Jolie are in downtown Zum City, ringing in the New Year with the friends they made among the citizens of the city. The people of Zum City have learned that the Centurions and the other Special Forces units have been reassigned, and they will miss their friends and benefactors.

“We’re going to miss you so much, Major Ibaz and Lieutenant Minh,” Mrs. Nakamura says, “Ever since you and your team arrived, life has become much better for us. We’re very grateful.”

Athena smiles at the old woman, “We’ll miss all of you too. You don’t have to worry about the future, though. General Noah has assigned another Special Forces unit to help you in the restoration of Side 3. They’ll follow the same guidelines we did and provide you as much assistance as possible.”

Kevin Nakamura sheepishly approaches Athena, ”Major Ibaz…I’m so sorry about the other day. My friends and I were just mad at the Federation and we lashed out at the nearest target in a Federal Forces uniform. We all know you aren’t like those thugs.”

“Don’t worry about it, Kevin,” Athena says, “The Federal Forces do have many problems, and I promise you I’ll do my best to change things.”

Fireworks, of a peaceful variety, ring in the New Year at Side 3. Although another long, bitter year has passed, the dream of peace in the future lives.


EPILOGUE:

A handsome young man, scarcely seventeen years old, arrives at Garrison Noah. He is dressed in an Earth Federation Forces cadet’s uniform and carries with him a tiny valise.

The young man, dark-haired, dark-eyed, and gentle-natured, politely asks a Federal Forces MP, “Um, excuse me. I’m new here. Could you please tell me the way to the Centurion Team’s headquarters?”

“Who are you?” the MP demands.

“I’m Chief Warrant Officer Jonah Michaels, sir,” the handsome young man replies.

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End of Episode 10

This concludes PRELUDE 0099, Part I of MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM: THE SECOND CENTURY. My thanks to all of you who have read and enjoyed the story thus far, especially ghostdarTeal'c and sheraldine, whose support and interest have been of great value to me. Thank you, guys!

The adventures of Maj. Athena Ibaz, 1Lt. Jolie Minh, and Chief Warrant Officer Jonah Michaels (Miguel) will continue in Part II, MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM: THE SECOND CENTURY.

Coming soon to the SPCNET Fan Fiction Forum.

The best is yet to come!


Ken Cheng

[Ken Cheng]

Hey, guys: just because the story is over doesn't mean the comments should stop. Sheraldine: what did you think of the ending?

And ghost...you've got some catching up to do.

[Ken Cheng]

There's been a slight adjustment to this section of the story, with a more vivid description of...er, a certain scene. Those of you with good memories and sharp eyes should spot the differences.

[ghostdarTeal'c]

****!!!

just finished ch7 and i cant believe of what you did to Athena!!!

*strangles Ken* im so into killing you right now, ken you made her into the usual beautiful women who'd use sex for almost everything!! *guns down ken*

[Ken Cheng]

****!!!

just finished ch7 and i cant believe of what you did to Athena!!!

*strangles Ken* im so into killing you right now, ken you made her into the usual beautiful women who'd use sex for almost everything!! *guns down ken*

At least you're reading.

It's not quite so simple with Athena, however. She *tells* Jolie that her reason for being intimate with Hathaway Noah is strictly for espionage purposes, and that's what she tells herself as well. She's a bit confused because she's begun to develop genuine feelings for this young man, but doesn't want to acknowledge it.

NOTE: if it had been anybody else other than Hathaway Noah, Athena would not have done this.

Read on: it gets better.

[ghostdarTeal'c]

even Athena with a lovelife is just too hard for me to consume...she's a badass, she doesnt need a man in her life!

yeah yeah it's human to live and love...wait...she's not even human, is she?

[ghostdarTeal'c]

anyway it's real late now. it's festive season and i have a loooooong day tomorrow, after the loooooong day today...... GNight!

[Ken Cheng]

even Athena with a lovelife is just too hard for me to consume...she's a badass, she doesnt need a man in her life!

Even badasses fall in love, and for them, it's even harder than it is for average people because they have a hard time acknowledging it. Athena has been so tough and independent for so long that she's completely at a loss as to how to handle such feelings. Despite all her abilities and skills, Athena is completely stymied here. It's the one battle she doesn't know how to win.

yeah yeah it's human to live and love...wait...she's not even human, is she?

As human as a manga character can be.

Athena is an epic heroine. Her goals, her adventures, and her abilities are larger than life. The things she will do in her life will change the fate of the entire world. In the midst of all that, however, she still needs to be a woman...she can feel joy (although it's hard to come by, considering all that she has to shoulder), she can feel hurt (although her threshold for pain borders on masochistic), she can feel anger and frustration (lots of that coming her way). In short, she's a three-dimensional character.

And contrary to Jolie's assessment (and your immediate reaction to Athena's intimate night with Hathaway), Athena is *not* a "cheap s*ut"...not at all. Athena's relationship with Hathaway is very complex and does not resolve itself until much, much later (problem being that they're on opposite sides), but there's no doubt that these two were meant to be a pair.

[ghostdarTeal'c]

Remember: if you repeat it enough times, it becomes true!

Ken!! dont you go ruin my day again!!!

heh if repeating can make things come true, boy there lots of things id be chanting right now hmmm...one of which would be "Athena kicks Jolie's *** in everything"

[Ken Cheng]

Ken!! dont you go ruin my day again!!!

heh if repeating can make things come true, boy there lots of things id be chanting right now hmmm...one of which would be "Athena kicks Jolie's *** in everything"

In fairness to the participants of this thread, I'll move this over to the Fanfic Forum.

[Ken Cheng]

heh if repeating can make things come true, boy there lots of things id be chanting right now hmmm...one of which would be "Athena kicks Jolie's *** in everything"

Finally, a chance to reply to this (thanks, CrazyT!)

Athena and Jolie do have a competitive aspect to their friendship (hope you've noticed). Because both of them are so capable, each has a huge ego. They constantly try to one-up the other in one way or the other. Athena's the better stategist; Jolie is the better fighter. But they compete at many different levels, including how much they appeal to the opposite sex (it's a wash there, but they seem to attract different kinds of men).

It's what sisters do, I suppose.

[PJ]

This is good stuff!

I actually really enjoy the camera movement descriptions at the beginning. Even when I read a regular piece of writing, I try to visualize what film techniques could be used to capture this moment on the big screen. You can easily see how the script-like descriptions would help enrich my text-to-visual experience.

I saw a question from Ken waaaaay back. I would like to put in a few words.

I've noticed a great many fanfics on this forum getting remarks without solicitation, but mine isn't. I've been all but BEGGING people to remark on my fanfic, and only ghost and sheraldine have responded.

What's wrong?

1. Is it too boring?


2. Is it badly written?


3. Do the characters and their story fail to engage you?


4. Is my writing style too difficult to follow?

None of these, of course. It is well written. Reading it (more like glancing for now) brings back sweet nostalgic memories.

I believe the next choice is the big reason:

5. Are you just not interested in GUNDAM or sci-fi?

This site has a predominantly wuxia and TV drama fan base. It doesn't seem like it would be a good venue to draw a Gundam audience.

I haven't read the latest posts, but have you considered posting this on a Gundam fan site? Where it will deservedly get more appreciation.

[Ken Cheng]

I had to do a double take and rub my eyes, because I couldn't believe that I was actually getting a response to this...and from someone other than sheraldine or ghostdarTeal'C.

And it's the mighty PJ himself!

This is good stuff!

Thank you, thank you. I'm flattered that you think so.

Um, this isn't some kind of softening up process in anticipation of some MAJOR SWORD GOD Zhuo Bufan discussion at the Wuxia Forum, is it?

I actually really enjoy the camera movement descriptions at the beginning. Even when I read a regular piece of writing, I try to visualize the imagery in film context anyway. You can easily see how the script-like writing would help enrich my text-to-visual experience.

Our generation (i.e. born 1970s and later) was raised in a world where movies/TV has been ubiquitous, so I think it's kind of natural that we think of narrative in cinematic terms. In my case, since I originally conceived of this as an anime screenplay, I had "camera instructions" written throughout it. I've actually had to cut those out in favor of more conventional (i.e. novel-style) presentation for posting to this and other forums (I've just begun posting this story at Fan Fiction.net as well).

None of these, of course. It is well written. Reading it (more like glancing for now) brings back sweet nostalgic memories.

Thank you. Were you a GUNDAM fan back in the day?

This site has a predominantly wuxia and TV drama fan base. It doesn't seem like it would be a good venue to draw a Gundam audience.

Hence, I've begun to also post this at Fan Fiction.net, which has a GUNDAM section (it has a section for just about any pop culture franchise you can imagine, at least as far as the English language pertains). Surprisingly, there's no wuxia section there.

I haven't read the latest posts, but have you considered posting this on a Gundam fan site? Where it will deservedly get more appreciation.

I'm going to post it here and at Fan Fiction.net first and see what kind of response I get. The thing about many GUNDAM fans is that they're, well, GUNDAM nerds very often. They're *very* anal about little details of science and space physics, etc. (stuff that I only have passing knowledge of), the same way that many hardcore wuxia fans are uptight about intricacies of Chinese martial arts, philosophy, culture, history, etc. I'm mainly interested in telling a story about people (I feel that the characters are the strongest point of my story), and I'd really not have to deal with an audience that would rather nitpick how many shots a single E-clip can supply for a beam rifle than try to appreciate the unfolding story of the characters.

[PJ]

Thank you, thank you. I'm flattered that you think so.

And I am amazed that you pulled this off. The quantity of your writing is extremely impressive. You deserve a big applause for your perseverance.

Um, this isn't some kind of softening up process in anticipation of some MAJOR SWORD GOD Zhuo Bufan discussion at the Wuxia Forum, is it?

You betta believe it!

(j/k)

Thank you. Were you a GUNDAM fan back in the day?

Perhaps, but I honestly don't remember. I watched a couple of robot animations, but I was too young to remember their names. I'm pretty sure I watched Transformers though

Hence, I've begun to also post this at Fan Fiction.net, which has a GUNDAM section (it has a section for just about any pop culture franchise you can imagine, at least as far as the English language pertains). Surprisingly, there's no wuxia section there.

Good call. And good luck on there!

The thing about many GUNDAM fans is that they're, well, GUNDAM nerds very often. They're *very* anal about little details of science and space physics, etc.

Heh, I call them SMS: Subject Matter Snobs.

I'm sure there is a Gundam audience who appreciates character development. The trick is how to reach the right audience.

By the way, don't be discouraged by the lack of response here. It is a Chinese forum after all. If I posted a wuxia fanfic on a Gundam site, I doubt anyone there would read it Once you reach the right audience, your work will be more than appreciated.

[Ken Cheng]

And I am amazed that you pulled this off. The quantity of your writing is extremely impressive. You deserve a big applause for your perseverance.

There's so much because I spent quite a few years writing it. The original manuscript was developed gradually between 1991 and 1996. I had the entire basic idea and the four main characters conceived on the first day, however. It's funny thinking back on how this got started, because I came up with it while riding on a bus in New York City back in the summer of '91 (the only time I've visited New York; maybe it was something in the air, eh?).

Perhaps, but I honestly don't remember. I watched a couple of robot animations, but I was too young to remember their names. I'm pretty sure I watched Transformers though

In Japan, GUNDAM is bigger than STAR WARS and STAR TREK put together. The Japanese are so obssessed with GUNDAM, it's scary. Think of any Western pop culture franchise: STAR WARS, HARRY POTTER, HALO...none of them even begin to match the grip GUNDAM has had on Japanese popular culture during the past 29 years (yes, it's been almost thirty years since GUNDAM got started in Japan). Not even ULTRAMAN and GODZILLA have had as much of an impact as GUNDAM in Japan.

Good call. And good luck on there!

I've gotten one positive response already, and it's only been about four days.

Heh, I call them SMS: Subject Matter Snobs.

Yeah. About twelve years ago, when I first found the Web, I tried posting this story to some BBS board dedicated to GUNDAM fan fictions. The guy who reviewed it spent several pages haranguing me for giving one of the characters a mobile suit (i.e. robot) that he thought was too new and advanced, saying that only an old, broken down mobile suit would have been available to the character because he was a rebel, not a soldier. He didn't talk about anything else. He then went on for page after page ripping me for misusing one technology after another, and made dire predictions that the rest of the forum would do the same.

Talk about missing the point.

It was enough, however, for me to shelve the project for eleven years until I began posting here at SPCNET about a year ago.

I'm sure there is a Gundam audience who appreciates character development. The trick is how to reach the right audience.

Yep. Just wonder how to find them.

I keep telling myself: during their first few years, the Beatles were "that crap band from Liverpool that was never going to make it."

By the way, don't be discouraged by the lack of response here. It is a Chinese forum after all. If I posted a wuxia fanfic on a Gundam site, I doubt anyone there would read it Once you reach the right audience, your work will be more than appreciated.

There seem to be anime fans here, and even GUNDAM fans, but not many of them venture over to the Fan Fiction Forum.

[Ken Cheng]

Heh. Just for kicks, here's a picture of "Athena" in her "mobile suit."

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Actually, it's Tea Leoni in high-tech body armor, but it's so apropos for my story.

[Suet Seung]

Okay one last time. I wrote about a paragraph and accidentally click on the wrong button and lost everything.

Feedback on Chapter 1 (Episode 1)

The beginning paragraphs sounds like a movie/film script and communicates more like a film script rather than narrative prose. Who is the "we" in "We are treated to the sight"? Who exactly is narrating here? The Camera? I find these camera movements distracting and breaks the illusion of what most traditional literature has--with narrators or POV.

For this part: (Miguel is unhurt) )<--Please show and not tell. Show how Miguel is not hurt. Use some descriptive words because I don't buy it. I know it maybe a minor detail but at least use 1-2 sentences to elaborate on that minor detail or make us readers feel it.

"2Lt. Athena Ibaz (formerly Princess Minerva Zabi), aged 18 (U.C. 0097)" I think this detail about Athena's true identity needs to be described rather then inserted like that. Like make an allusion using descriptions of her appearance bearing a resemblance to the former Princess Minerva Zabi. Or at least include something that signifies her or some sort of connection that readers can recognize and understand with a subtle clue that they're one and the same person. I hope that make sense.

I didn't have much time as I thought I would, so I'm going to stop here and continue with Jolie's episode later. However, from what I read so far, it has been quite eventful and fast paced. Lots of interesting characters and issues presented.
I feel most of the time you tell your readers lots of things, but sometimes it's better to show and give some subtlety. You know let the readers read between the lines. At times, a character or a description will say a couple of phrases or lines, but the meaning of it carries more weight, and in some cases allude to more issues than it actually means on the surface. So far what you have here is good and it has been an interesting read. I will certainly read more later on.

[Ken Cheng]

Thank you, Suet Seung, for this very incisive and in-depth review.

Okay one last time. I wrote about a paragraph and accidentally click on the wrong button and lost everything.

HATE it when that happens.

Feedback on Chapter 1 (Episode 1)

The beginning paragraphs sounds like a movie/film script and communicates more like a film script rather than narrative prose. Who is the "we" in "We are treated to the sight"? Who exactly is narrating here? The Camera? I find these camera movements distracting and breaks the illusion of what most traditional literature has--with narrators or POV.

This is an artifact of the original, 1991-1996 attempt to write this story. At the time, I envisioned it as a screenplay for an animated TV series or an OAV (Original Animation Video), and wrote it partially as a script...complete with "stage directions" for how I imagined/would want the scenes to look. Originally, these fanfics were meant to be screenplays rather than novels.

Come 2007 when I first decided to resurrect this project, I initially planned to just straight type the original into the SPCNET Fanfic Forum with very little editing. As the project went on further, however, I decided that it would be more appropriate to rewrite the project in novel format rather than screenplay format. This becomes more apparent as the chapters roll on. The early chapters retain most of the original character of the project before I decided to re-edit it last year.

For this part: (Miguel is unhurt) )<--Please show and not tell. Show how Miguel is not hurt. Use some descriptive words because I don't buy it. I know it maybe a minor detail but at least use 1-2 sentences to elaborate on that minor detail or make us readers feel it.

This goes with what I mentioned earlier about the screenplay format versus the novel format. More vivid descriptions will become evident in later chapters, and the "screenplay" feel will soon disappear.

"2Lt. Athena Ibaz (formerly Princess Minerva Zabi), aged 18 (U.C. 0097)" I think this detail about Athena's true identity needs to be described rather then inserted like that. Like make an allusion using descriptions of her appearance bearing a resemblance to the former Princess Minerva Zabi. Or at least include something that signifies her or some sort of connection that readers can recognize and understand with a subtle clue that they're one and the same person. I hope that make sense.

I was aiming to make this one of those, "Wait a minute. This Athena...she's...!" moments. Don't know how effective it was, though. Again, thinking in terms of screenplay, you'd see Princess Minerva as a ten-year old girl in the previous scene, then after the screen indicating the passage of eight years, you see her again as an eighteen-year old young woman...recognizable as the former princess, but also notably changed (grown up, on the other side, as a young military officer rather than as royalty).

I didn't have much time as I thought I would, so I'm going to stop here and continue with Jolie's episode later. However, from what I read so far, it has been quite eventful and fast paced. Lots of interesting characters and issues presented.

More to come. The first few chapters are dedicated to establishing the characters and the setting.

I feel most of the time you tell your readers lots of things, but sometimes it's better to show and give some subtlety. You know let the readers read between the lines. At times, a character or a description will say a couple of phrases or lines, but the meaning of it carries more weight, and in some cases allude to more issues than it actually means on the surface.

That's a good thought, and one I'v tried to adhere to, but sometimes the temptation to over-explain becomes too great. I think that might be a Jin Yong influence, or even a Yoshiyuki Tomino (creator of GUNDAM) influence.

So far what you have here is good and it has been an interesting read. I will certainly read more later on.

Thank you. I very greatly appreciate the interest and feedback.