The Torque of Matsushima (I want my amplifier)

[PJ]

Hi, this will be my attempt at writing a series of free-flowing laughter-inducing comedies, sort of like scripts for stand up comedies (without having to stand up). Enjoy, and hope it makes you laugh (it's good for your soul).

[PJ]

Parte Uno

They say the best things in life aren't free, and that grass is always greener on the other side.

Why, then, is grass free?

I've seen the grass on many sides. Sometimes it really is greener on one side than another.

Like the other day, I dyed my lawn yellow. After that, the grass across the street is definitely greener!

Dying is fun. People die all the time.

Sitting is also fun. I like sitting.

... ... ...

Why don't people love each other more? No one wants to love any more nowadays. Everyone says they've been burned.

Well, I don't know what made them think they've been burned, but if I set your behind on a flaming hot oven, and I ask would you rather stay like this or love, you're gonna be begging me to let you love like you've never loved before.

Toilette humor.

Cats.

Computed Tomography.

What do they have in common?

click to show/hide spoilers

Nothing.

They have absolutely nothing in common.

Did you think otherwise? Stupid.

... ... ...

Have you heard that song by T.I. -- "Whatever You Like" or whatever.

There's part of the lyrics that goes: I know that you ain't never had a man like that to give you everything your heart desires like that.

Dude, if you can give her anything as her heart desires, you'd be "Zhang Real Man" Zhang Sanfeng. Apparently he can accomplish anything as his heart desires. Who wouldn't want a man like that?

(Good thing I said this to a wuxia-friendly community. Can you imagine how many f*ckers would be otherwise scratching their heads by now? "oh yeah, T.I., I know who dat is.... huh, WTF is Ding Ding Dong or whatever you just said?")

Pero que pasó?

Es una cosa que se usa para la noche.

... ... ...

A couple weeks ago, a Chinese guy murdered a Chinese girl.

That's gotta suck. I mean, being murdered and all.

You know, there's been quite a few cases of university Chinese students murdering other Chinese people.

Are they racist or something? I mean, why keep murdering Chinese people? Why don't they murder some white people or black people?

Now, I know what you must be thinking: how can Chinese people be racist against their own race? But the statistics speak for themselves: Chinese students ARE murdering their own race more than others! So the only possible conclusion is: Chinese students are racists against their own kind!

Glad I graduated already and have moved on from the 3 friends I killed... I mean, I had a great time in college!

[remember_Cedric]

I love comedies that contains cynicalism. I've printed this writing out for reading, indicating "Funnies" for the header so that while reading and laughing away in anywhere, the stranger standing next to me won't freaked out on me.

May I contribute mine sometime?

[remember_Cedric]

I'm done with reading

it gives people this "raise an eyebrow but laugh anyway" effect love it!

I actually read it while standing up.....because I was waiting for my transport.

Keep them coming, Sensei XLN!

P/s: BTW, hablõ espanol? >>ref: But what happened? It's one thing that is used for the night.

[PJ]

May I contribute mine sometime?

Of course. The student should try to outperform the teacher

[remember_Cedric]

Sit back, relax, with pop-corn and coke

End-reader one who peeps at the end of a novel to see if she got him.

Ghost-word a word that has originnated in the blunder of a scribe or printer - common in dictionaries -.

Hag-weed the common broom- plant - a broomstick being a witch's usual aircraft.

Land 0' the Leal the home of the blessed after death - heaven, not Scotland.

Lunch a restaurateur's name for an ordinary man's dinner.

Ozone an imagined constituent in the air of any place that one wishes to commend.


Extracted from Book on profound nonsense of Sir Charlie Chaplin

When I returned to Hollywood [from England], I dropped by to see Mother... "Well, what do you think of your son and all this nonsense?" I said whimsically.


"It's wonderful, but wouldn't you rather by yourself than live in this theatrical world of unreality?"

"You should talk," I laughed. "You're responsible for this unreality."

She paused. "If only you had put your talent in the service of the Lord--think of the thousands of souls you could have saved."
I smiled. "I might have saved souls but not money."


P/s: I will try my best to outperform my maestro,Papa Jones. Meanwhile, this is an appetitizer for the folks.

[PJ]

She paused. "If only you had put your talent in the service of the Lord--think of the thousands of souls you could have saved."
I smiled. "I might have saved souls but not money."

Ah, this recalls another GQ (Great Quote):

"I want to be a doctor and all but.... I just don't enjoy helping people."

[PJ]

Sick with a stuffed nose, here is a follow up to numero uno.

Parte Dos

Everybody's talking about the crash these days.

You know, the stock market crash, the housing market crash, and the economic crisis.

Every newspaper is intensifying it like the end of the world is coming.

Well, I for one don't think it's that bad.

Sure, it can be worse than the annoyance from enduring the less-than-elegant crash of your favorite Microsoft program, but I seriously doubt you'd rather have this kind of crash:

click to show/hide spoilers

$this->handle_bbcode_img_match('http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e1/Car_crash_1.jpg/800px-Car_crash_1.jpg')

But if you do have that kind of crash and you survive, then more power to ya.

You know what they say: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

That doesn't mean you'll be physically stronger. You'll probably lose a limb or two, be paralyzed for the rest of your life, and need help getting on the toilet seat from now on.

No, I'm not talking about physical strength; what I'm talking about is mental strength, and that my friend is what keeps you going.

It should be obvious: let's say you're just a gorgeous healthy young pup. Well, you can end it very quickly by putting a few bullets through your head.

That's what can happen when you're not fit mentally. Physical strength means zilch without mental fitness.

Yes, the will to live is what will get you through those cold and lonely nights where you feel like you want to give up.

Now, don't misunderstand me: I'm not advocating anyone to smash their car into a tree. I hereby give that disclaimer, which shall be legally binding.

All I'm saying is: if it happens to you, try to make the best of it.

Have a nice day

[remember_Cedric]

This is Just for laughs kinda of humour, it's cool!
__________________________________________________ __________

Dah Home!

Locked in a quiet room, I sat alone silently and pray.

"Dear Father-in-heaven,

Forgive me the unforgiven,
For I've made ungodly decisions.
It's been tough, because I need to deal with countless sons of the guns.

They have been testing my patience,
and pushing me to my limits.

I hereby confess to you.
My pride too pricey,
my mind too stubborn.
Here I ask for forgiveness,
for you're full of holiness.
Please render me your assistance.
I pray wholeheartedly and hope you'll answer my prayers.

Thank you, Jesus."

Suddenly, a voice calls out to me.

Voice: "It's ready, child, come out now."

Me: "*gasped*.....father-in-heaven (or currently on earth)?"

Voice: "Do you hear me??"

Me: "yes, loud and clear, Father. And, I'm definitely certain the voice doesn't come from my head."

Voice: "Why aren't you responding to me??"

Me: "But....but....I am!? wait a minute! sounds familiar. that's not Father art in heaven!! But a female?"

Me: "bleh!, it's my mother calling me to lunch. Not father-in-heaven but mother-on-earth." >_<