Feeling old?

[Trien Chieu]

Trinie and Kay, if you two like to argue, that is none of my business but please stop using my name in such a negative way.

[Yeung Gor]

Trinie and Kay, if you two like to argue, that is none of my business but please stop using my name in such a negative way.

If I were you I would take it as a good thing. When girls insults me, it is rather comical, makes me laugh. haha I haven't had any insults thrown at me in a while, starting to miss it.

[Trinie]

Trinie and Kay, if you two like to argue, that is none of my business but please stop using my name in such a negative way.

Sorry about that, but if you can say more things that actually make sense then maybe people won't have to use your name in such a negative way.....

[kay &!*]

Sorry did not mean to compare you to TC since he really makes no sense. My situation is more complicated than you think. Well, I can't say parents anymore since my dad passed away over 5 years ago when I was attending grad school the first time around. It really hit me hard and I didn't want anything anymore at that time...

Yea, my family contradicts themselves a lot, especially my mom... She claims to want me to have a job and all, but at the same time does not really want me to go abroad. She is afraid that I will get raped and make her lose face... She is so selfish sometimes.. BUt then at the same time, she is nagging at me to get a job.I question my family as well. They claim to love me and want the best for me, but at the same time, it seems like they refuse to let me go.... I am lucky to have my 4th brother(the one that went to Australia to study just like what you are doing) to support me and I think he will help me convince my family to finally let me go and pursue my dreams.

I actually went straight through school with only a one year gap after my undergrad, then a year gap after my first run of grad school and then a half a year gap before my second round of grad school. I had to take a year off after undergrad because I had a take care of my dad who was severely sick. He then passed away while I attended my first round of grad school.

But right now my family maybe moving and they are being wishy washy about it which really makes me mad.... It is holding me back because when we move, I have to do most of the work or else my mom has to do it and she is old and has bad health. I don't have the heart to leave her behind to do all of that work...

Well, I don't think there is anything that is a dream job... I have looked for jobs, but I don't qualify for any of them. I have done tutoring and don't want to do it forever since everyone takes advantage of me.. I don't like it at all...

Sorry if I offended you,but I have just been really depressed lately and no one understands at all....

oh i'm extremely sorry to hear that your dad had passed away
now i understand why it's been hard for you and why you were delayed from graduating/finding a job. you've had it hard
and you mentioned you have 7 brothers.. none of them can help your mom make the move??

Trinie and Kay, if you two like to argue, that is none of my business but please stop using my name in such a negative way.

HAHA. sorry TC.
but really, i find it a bit comical myself

[Trinie]

oh i'm extremely sorry to hear that your dad had passed away
now i understand why it's been hard for you and why you were delayed from graduating/finding a job. you've had it hard
and you mentioned you have 7 brothers.. none of them can help your mom make the move??


HAHA. sorry TC.
but really, i find it a bit comical myself

THanks for your sympathy. I really appreciate it. Losing my dad was the most painful moment in my life... I still feel the pain to this day.No one can imagine the pain unless they go through it themselves.

It's true that I do have 7 brothers, but some of them are married, live away from home, are lazy,etc... The most they would do is lift the heavy stuff, but that's it. All of the packing, unpacking, organizing(which takes forever) is usually what I would do and sometimes my mom would do it if she feels ok. However, I usually do it since I don't want my mom to do it...She is old and her health is bad..

[remember_Cedric]

Certainly, so little time to achieve what I want to do. I'm almost 30 in less than 3 years.

How I wish, sometimes, that I could do something to compensate the time that I've wasted.

[Ken Cheng]

How I wish, sometimes, that I could do something to compensate the time that I've wasted.

I think that we're sometimes misled into thinking that any time NOT spent scurrying around in the rat race is somehow time that's *wasted*.

That's b.s. to me: ANY time you spend that gives you any kind of pleasure, fulfillment, or new knowledge that serves you in some way is time well-used.

[Trien Chieu]

Sorry did not mean to compare you to TC since he really makes no sense. My situation is more complicated than you think. Well, I can't say parents anymore since my dad passed away over 5 years ago when I was attending grad school the first time around. It really hit me hard and I didn't want anything anymore at that time...

Yea, my family contradicts themselves a lot, especially my mom... She claims to want me to have a job and all, but at the same time does not really want me to go abroad. She is afraid that I will get raped and make her lose face... She is so selfish sometimes.. BUt then at the same time, she is nagging at me to get a job.I question my family as well. They claim to love me and want the best for me, but at the same time, it seems like they refuse to let me go.... I am lucky to have my 4th brother(the one that went to Australia to study just like what you are doing) to support me and I think he will help me convince my family to finally let me go and pursue my dreams.

I actually went straight through school with only a one year gap after my undergrad, then a year gap after my first run of grad school and then a half a year gap before my second round of grad school. I had to take a year off after undergrad because I had a take care of my dad who was severely sick. He then passed away while I attended my first round of grad school.

But right now my family maybe moving and they are being wishy washy about it which really makes me mad.... It is holding me back because when we move, I have to do most of the work or else my mom has to do it and she is old and has bad health. I don't have the heart to leave her behind to do all of that work...

Well, I don't think there is anything that is a dream job... I have looked for jobs, but I don't qualify for any of them. I have done tutoring and don't want to do it forever since everyone takes advantage of me.. I don't like it at all...

Sorry if I offended you,but I have just been really depressed lately and no one understands at all....

When I see or heard of people passing away, I feel depressed because my dad is 80 years old now. He is still relatively healthy for a 80 years old man but I know he won't have another 20 or 30 years to live. I don't know what to do, I feel helpless... Life is really depressed sometimes and you can't do anything about it.

[remember_Cedric]

I think that we're sometimes misled into thinking that any time NOT spent scurrying around in the rat race is somehow time that's *wasted*.

That's b.s. to me: ANY time you spend that gives you any kind of pleasure, fulfillment, or new knowledge that serves you in some way is time well-used.

Thank you, Batman Kenny, I'll bare that in mind.

[Ghaleon]

block style? what are you referring to, the ***? if that's the case, it's always been around..just limited
btw, thank you for your message. some reason, i can't write on your visitor message wall.

No, i was referring to the long a$$ posts haha. but keep up your ****. The style suits you.

hey are you Ganryu?? Yea, the block style is back...

Yeah i got a name-change. Glad to see the block-style is back and kicking

[Happy Kadaw]

I didn't read all the posts but if it makes y'all feel better, my third sister is 37 years old and had just delivered her baby 3 months ago and met her first bf just 3 years ago and I had thought she would die alone.

As for us guys, we don't really associate much with the whole old-age issue. Mid 40s is when I think I'll start to feel old.

[darkcser]

I think that we're sometimes misled into thinking that any time NOT spent scurrying around in the rat race is somehow time that's *wasted*.

That's b.s. to me: ANY time you spend that gives you any kind of pleasure, fulfillment, or new knowledge that serves you in some way is time well-used.

Hear, hear!

Now if I can just convince my wife of that then I'd be all set.

I'm 32 now, been married for 4+ years, and have a 14 month old son.

Just two days ago I had a huge argument with my wife. Well, not really an argument since it was mostly one sided with her telling me how immature, irresponsible, lazy, passive and generally worthless of a husband I was. It is evidently our lot in life at this particular age to endure and suffer without any expectation of fun and relaxation until we die or retire. To do otherwise would be like crawling into a gutter to wait for decrepitude and death given the state of the economy, cost of living, decline of the US, etc.

Now to be fair, my wife who is two years younger works as a research assistant, and had been a foreign MD in the past. For the past year or so she's been preparing for the USMLE, and if everything goes according to plan could be making some 150K a year in 3-5 years. Fast forward a couple of more years she may end up earning much more than that depending on her specialty.

She's been forced onto this harsh and bitter road because I'm incompetent and weak (and deluded since I don't seem to realize or accept this). As she puts it I'm in a declining industry beset with younger foreign employees who will work for pennies on the dollar (I paraphrase). For those of you who haven't gleaned it already I work on the software development side of an asset management company -although as a low-level manager (I have 4-5 direct reports) I feel more like a peacekeeper than anything else.

Now here's the clincher, she says that if I wasn't so incompetent that I should study to become a doctor so she wouldn't have to face this hardship, and it's only because of my general lack of ability or drive that has forced this hardship upon her... and that I've only been able to scrape by thus far in life mostly because of luck (the fortuitous coincidence of getting a BA and a MS in Computer Science when the field was still hot).

My point beside general venting? A couple actually...

Marriage really ages you both physically and mentally. I've never been stricken with a general sense of panic feeling like all possibilities in life have withered away until I got married.

Relying on others for self-image can be painful.

Don't sweat being single. People can seem deceptively normal until married or worse yet they feel like it's different now because you're married now, and the definition of a marriage is that you should be at their beck and call.

[Trinie]

Hear, hear!

Now if I can just convince my wife of that then I'd be all set.

I'm 32 now, been married for 4+ years, and have a 14 month old son.

Just two days ago I had a huge argument with my wife. Well, not really an argument since it was mostly one sided with her telling me how immature, irresponsible, lazy, passive and generally worthless of a husband I was. It is evidently our lot in life at this particular age to endure and suffer without any expectation of fun and relaxation until we die or retire. To do otherwise would be like crawling into a gutter to wait for decrepitude and death given the state of the economy, cost of living, decline of the US, etc.

Now to be fair, my wife who is two years younger works as a research assistant, and had been a foreign MD in the past. For the past year or so she's been preparing for the USMLE, and if everything goes according to plan could be making some 150K a year in 3-5 years. Fast forward a couple of more years she may end up earning much more than that depending on her specialty.

She's been forced onto this harsh and bitter road because I'm incompetent and weak (and deluded since I don't seem to realize or accept this). As she puts it I'm in a declining industry beset with younger foreign employees who will work for pennies on the dollar (I paraphrase). For those of you who haven't gleaned it already I work on the software development side of an asset management company -although as a low-level manager (I have 4-5 direct reports) I feel more like a peacekeeper than anything else.

Now here's the clincher, she says that if I wasn't so incompetent that I should study to become a doctor so she wouldn't have to face this hardship, and it's only because of my general lack of ability or drive that has forced this hardship upon her... and that I've only been able to scrape by thus far in life mostly because of luck (the fortuitous coincidence of getting a BA and a MS in Computer Science when the field was still hot).

My point beside general venting? A couple actually...

Marriage really ages you both physically and mentally. I've never been stricken with a general sense of panic feeling like all possibilities in life have withered away until I got married.

Relying on others for self-image can be painful.

Don't sweat being single. People can seem deceptively normal until married or worse yet they feel like it's different now because you're married now, and the definition of a marriage is that you should be at their beck and call.

Hey Darkcser,
VERY sorry to hear about your situation.. I think that your wife is being really unreasonable(no offense to her), but I think she needs to learn how to respect you more. Your wife seems like the traditional type that thinks that the husband always has to carry the burden of supporting the family and making all of the money. THat is how a lot of my dependent friends are... I can share some examples with you.
One is my friend who is happily married, but of course that does NOT mean that she never argues with her husband or has problems with him. She is the typical stay at home wife since her husband makes a decent amount of money that he does not require her to work. She just sits at home and takes care of her son. She actually does not even cook much because they eat out a lot. She has it really good and told me that she is partialy with him because he is well off... I personally think that is tradional thinking... I don't see anything wrong with the women being the breadwinner. Why do they always have to put the burden on the guy? IF he can't handle it, they always look down on him. That is just not fair nor is it right.
I have another friend that has absolutely nothing and married this one FOB guy who makes a decent salary(not high or low) but she brags about him in front of my relatives and my mom. SO stupid... I was imaging what if he was the one that had nothing? Would she have married him?? Maybe not, but she is the one that has nothing in this case...But for this friend, she is a traditional FOB so I guess that is how her thinking always was and will be. She expects her husband to carry all of the burden since she is too dependent on him. She married him through an arranged marriage too so she barely even knew the dude before marrying him...
The thing is, I think if the guy works hard to support the family, I don't see anything wrong with the wife doing it too. I don't understand why women always want to throw the burden onto the guy?? Marriage is a both a blessing and a curse in my opinion since it takes a lot of work and you sort of lose some of the freedom that you had when you were single. I am enjoying my single life for now, but I realize that one day I may have to get married too( I am 30 already).Marriage is like another chapter in your life that can be good or bad or a mixture of both....sigh...
It also depends on who you marry as well.. People can change for the good and bad as your marriage progresses. Sadly, lots of time, people actualy grow apart and then comes divorce...

[darkcser]

Thanks Trinie.

It just goes to show that cultural values can still vary greatly in this day and age, and maybe will always vary greatly.

In my formative years I went to a high school where traditional gender roles were regarded as outdated, and were almost considered an affront to a progressive society (akin to the reaction you may receive if you said "Women shouldn't vote because they're not logical people."). Our identity and world view is supposedly determined during this time, and my perspective was shaped in that kind of environment.

Now I don't know what the conventional thinking is in Beijing these days but evidently it's quite different than what I had assumed (no donkey jokes please). Maybe it's some socio-economic thing, and I just lack the proper refinement...

Now that this particular storm has blown over, I find myself easily entertained given an indoor heated pool so maybe I should just enjoy whatever little things in life that I can...

[Trinie]

Thanks Trinie.

It just goes to show that cultural values can still vary greatly in this day and age, and maybe will always vary greatly.

In my formative years I went to a high school where traditional gender roles were regarded as outdated, and were almost considered an affront to a progressive society (akin to the reaction you may receive if you said "Women shouldn't vote because they're not logical people."). Our identity and world view is supposedly determined during this time, and my perspective was shaped in that kind of environment.

Now I don't know what the conventional thinking is in Beijing these days but evidently it's quite different than what I had assumed (no donkey jokes please). Maybe it's some socio-economic thing, and I just lack the proper refinement...

Now that this particular storm has blown over, I find myself easily entertained given an indoor heated pool so maybe I should just enjoy whatever little things in life that I can...

You are welcome and I feel really bad for you that your wife thinks that way. That is sadly how a lot of really traditional women think too. I am traditional in some ways, but not in that sense. I mean, IF I married a guy, it does NOT mean that he will take care of me and I just sit there and throw everything on him. I believe that it is like a partnership where we must both take care of each other. If he is out of work, I have the responsibility to take care of him, not poke fun at and yell at him just because he is at a hard point in his life and can't take care of me. I feel women like that are kind of useless. Women that are like that are overly dependent which to me is not a good thing since I have an independent personality. One of my other friends is really dependent so I can imagine her dreaming of marrying a rich guy so that she can sit on her butt and do nothing. Sorry, but I don't want to be like that...I believe it is important for a woman to independent and able to take care of her husband and family.

I actually learned through life about the role of people in general without really focusing on whether they are male or female. I personally hated high school and did NOT let anyone in high school influence me in a bad way. I think we learn through life, not just during a specific period of time only. Also, my parents are overly sexist and traditional that it really scares me....Therefore, I have promised myself not to be like that.. Plus, I am American born as well so my values and all are different in some ways than a lot of the FOBs like one of my friends for example. However, I am a mixture of being traditional and Americanized...

[darkcser]

I actually learned through life about the role of people in general without really focusing on whether they are male or female. I personally hated high school and did NOT let anyone in high school influence me in a bad way. I think we learn through life, not just during a specific period of time only. Also, my parents are overly sexist and traditional that it really scares me....Therefore, I have promised myself not to be like that.. Plus, I am American born as well so my values and all are different in some ways than a lot of the FOBs like one of my friends for example. However, I am a mixture of being traditional and Americanized...

Don't get me wrong, high school was torture -college was cake compared to high school. At times I still have nightmares about high school (especially one involving not being able to remember what my next class was or where it was located). It just feels like at that age what you're exposed to shapes you for life. It may sound kind of silly but I made some decisions in high school that I still cling to today.

I came to the U.S. in 1985 with my parents from Beijing. Actually my mom had been here for a couple of years at that point pursuing a Ph.D. in physics. Both of them came from good universities (QingHua and BeiDa) but my dad ended up working as mechanic on a farm. He's a very hardworking and diligent kind of guy but just prefers the simpler life. Given this kind of upbringing I'm not too surprised I ended up the way I am today... not sure what kind of impression I want to give my son...

[mces0421]

I have few friends when I was in high school. It's was a boring part of my life. Unlike when I was in college more friends and more adventures.

[Trinie]

Don't get me wrong, high school was torture -college was cake compared to high school. At times I still have nightmares about high school (especially one involving not being able to remember what my next class was or where it was located). It just feels like at that age what you're exposed to shapes you for life. It may sound kind of silly but I made some decisions in high school that I still cling to today.

I came to the U.S. in 1985 with my parents from Beijing. Actually my mom had been here for a couple of years at that point pursuing a Ph.D. in physics. Both of them came from good universities (QingHua and BeiDa) but my dad ended up working as mechanic on a farm. He's a very hardworking and diligent kind of guy but just prefers the simpler life. Given this kind of upbringing I'm not too surprised I ended up the way I am today... not sure what kind of impression I want to give my son...

Same with me.. I HATED high school and university was one of the best times in my life. I still have a lot of nightmares about school in general even though I have graduated. I remember that I did not go to a single dance in high school, including the senior ball. My cousins all told me that I would regret it, but I can say that I don't regret it all until this very day...

May I ask how old you were?? My family was never really rich at all but I think the upbringing is just part of it. Some people just want a more glamourous and rich life even though they grew up in a poor family. I always lived a simple life and was bought up that way too. Even though I grew up in America, I was always very humble and did not ask for much like most of the FOBs that I know. ONce they came to America, they thought that life was so easy so they live a very wasteful life which I think is really sad.

I think you will give your son a good impression, but I hope that your wife will too..

[darkcser]

Same with me.. I HATED high school and university was one of the best times in my life. I still have a lot of nightmares about school in general even though I have graduated. I remember that I did not go to a single dance in high school, including the senior ball. My cousins all told me that I would regret it, but I can say that I don't regret it all until this very day...

May I ask how old you were?? My family was never really rich at all but I think the upbringing is just part of it. Some people just want a more glamourous and rich life even though they grew up in a poor family. I always lived a simple life and was bought up that way too. Even though I grew up in America, I was always very humble and did not ask for much like most of the FOBs that I know. ONce they came to America, they thought that life was so easy so they live a very wasteful life which I think is really sad.

I think you will give your son a good impression, but I hope that your wife will too..

Heh, I was rather anti-social in high school as well. I am assume you mean TO this very day as opposed to UNTIL? Never went to a dance in high school either, inability to follow a beat seems to be terminal. High school was very much a popularity contest for some people.

I was eight when I came here. IIRC I was just starting second grade in Beijing. After a couple of months here, my parents put me into a regular English speaking public school. I can't really remember how I got by in the first year or two but I made it to an exam public school a couple of years later so everything worked out OK.

Currently we're looking at daycare options for our son... guess we still have a couple of years to go before we have to worry about the SSAT.

[Trinie]

Heh, I was rather anti-social in high school as well. I am assume you mean TO this very day as opposed to UNTIL? Never went to a dance in high school either, inability to follow a beat seems to be terminal. High school was very much a popularity contest for some people.

I was eight when I came here. IIRC I was just starting second grade in Beijing. After a couple of months here, my parents put me into a regular English speaking public school. I can't really remember how I got by in the first year or two but I made it to an exam public school a couple of years later so everything worked out OK.

Currently we're looking at daycare options for our son... guess we still have a couple of years to go before we have to worry about the SSAT.

Oh yea, I did mean to this very day not until. Gosh, I am an English major but made such a stupid mistake. There are times that I see it but get lazy to edit it. I never went either.. No one asked me either so I thought it was really embarrassing to go by myself with no date. High school was just a popularity contest and I hated it because I just wanted to focus on my studies...I mean, it is school so that is our main purpose for being there...

You were pretty young then so of course things should work out... How old is your son?? Isn't he too young? My brothers gave my nephews to the grandparents to take care of until they were old enough for daycare. Daycare is REALLY expensive though...

What is the SSAT? Is that a board exam? My sister in law is studying for hers right now..She has one more chance to pass it or else she will need to take more classes and then retake it again...Those board exams are a pain.