Coyote,
Any new chapters this year?
Chapter five so far reads and sounds contemporary. "Man, It's cold, how are you holding up?" However, your descriptions of the character and place still paints a picture in the reader's mind.
How would you think of saving the dialogues for when its something of importance? Other times, as an omnipotent (all knowing) writer, we can describe how the characters are thinking, like "buying their girlfriend the earrings she likes". Still "buying my girlfriend the earring she likes" sounds very contemporary. If it weren't for the chinese names and the events, I 'd think it was a modern story.
Sorry. I really think your story has potential. I suppose it always helps to watch chinese dramas that are set in the ancient times, after some time you'd talk like them too. Hahah. Actually TVB has a series called "King of Yesterday and Today" where two characters from the Ching dynasty got magically transported 200 years to the future and they both spoke with such formallity and well its just different from the way we talk now. So it was really funny to see them interact in the modern day. Anyway, Coyote, don't lose hope! Eventually people will notice your story. Introduce some more action, fighting, dare I say romance? or parental love/family love? tragedies, death of a family?
Looking forward to reading more of your writing!